Heart and Soul

Sunday dawned bright and beautiful, the sun reflecting off the snow was almost painful it was so bright.  T.H. suggested that we go for a drive and enjoy the sun.  As I jumped up into the truck, and shut the door, he asked me what had been bothering me lately.  Said he noticed how unhappy I had been of late and wanted to know what was going on.  I told him he didn't want to know what I was upset about, he told me to try him.  Gender issues, I told him.

As we drove finally, in fits and starts all the stuff I had been holding in came tumbling out.  Things were going along well and I felt like we were finally connecting again, when the question I had been dreading popped up.  Do you want a sex change?  I explained that yes, part of me really wants a sex change, and no I didn't want a sex change.  He wanted to know why yes, and why no.  I explained to the best of my abilities that while I do feel like a girl only rarely, I'm not sure that getting totally rid of my girl body would be something that I would want.  And to be brutally honest, you can't build working boy parts out of girl parts.  What I have, while it doesn't completely fit me, at least works as it was designed, which is important if you ask me.

T.H. told me that if I wanted a sex change, it was a deal breaker.  And ya know what?  I'm totally cool with that, and understand him completely.  He didn't marry a boy, he married a girl, expecting the status quo to be maintained.  After listening to my reasons for not to have a sex change, he agreed with all of my reasonings and then said, "So, you will be unhappy in your own skin the rest of your life?" What a perfectly wonderful thing to say!  He finally is starting to get it, and is understanding of my dilemma.  I go thru periods of wanting a boy body, and not liking my girl body, and I DO go thru periods of liking my girl body......yes, yes I know, what a mess.

We are talking again, and life is good.  He keeps asking me if I want him to treat me differently, and I keep telling him to just love me like he always has.  Because I am not a new person, only a person with new knowledge of who and what I am.  Same same me, no change there, only a new understanding of me.  So, we are both going to have to feel our way thru this whole new understanding of me, and I think we will encounter road bumps as we go along.  And yes, I did tell him that I refuse to go back to a more fem hair style, this is here to stay.  My clothing is going to change also, and he was cool with that too.  He said if I do go to far for him to be comfortable with it, he mention it.  Honestly though, I think he will just pull back away again, if we hit a large bump and it will take work to get things worked out.

But, for the first time in a really long time, I have hope for our future.  I believe that we have a tomorrow together, and not apart.  The specter of life without my heart, my lover was something I didn't even want to contemplate, and thankfully now I don't have to.