Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Heart and Soul

Sunday dawned bright and beautiful, the sun reflecting off the snow was almost painful it was so bright.  T.H. suggested that we go for a drive and enjoy the sun.  As I jumped up into the truck, and shut the door, he asked me what had been bothering me lately.  Said he noticed how unhappy I had been of late and wanted to know what was going on.  I told him he didn't want to know what I was upset about, he told me to try him.  Gender issues, I told him.

As we drove finally, in fits and starts all the stuff I had been holding in came tumbling out.  Things were going along well and I felt like we were finally connecting again, when the question I had been dreading popped up.  Do you want a sex change?  I explained that yes, part of me really wants a sex change, and no I didn't want a sex change.  He wanted to know why yes, and why no.  I explained to the best of my abilities that while I do feel like a girl only rarely, I'm not sure that getting totally rid of my girl body would be something that I would want.  And to be brutally honest, you can't build working boy parts out of girl parts.  What I have, while it doesn't completely fit me, at least works as it was designed, which is important if you ask me.

T.H. told me that if I wanted a sex change, it was a deal breaker.  And ya know what?  I'm totally cool with that, and understand him completely.  He didn't marry a boy, he married a girl, expecting the status quo to be maintained.  After listening to my reasons for not to have a sex change, he agreed with all of my reasonings and then said, "So, you will be unhappy in your own skin the rest of your life?" What a perfectly wonderful thing to say!  He finally is starting to get it, and is understanding of my dilemma.  I go thru periods of wanting a boy body, and not liking my girl body, and I DO go thru periods of liking my girl body......yes, yes I know, what a mess.

We are talking again, and life is good.  He keeps asking me if I want him to treat me differently, and I keep telling him to just love me like he always has.  Because I am not a new person, only a person with new knowledge of who and what I am.  Same same me, no change there, only a new understanding of me.  So, we are both going to have to feel our way thru this whole new understanding of me, and I think we will encounter road bumps as we go along.  And yes, I did tell him that I refuse to go back to a more fem hair style, this is here to stay.  My clothing is going to change also, and he was cool with that too.  He said if I do go to far for him to be comfortable with it, he mention it.  Honestly though, I think he will just pull back away again, if we hit a large bump and it will take work to get things worked out.

But, for the first time in a really long time, I have hope for our future.  I believe that we have a tomorrow together, and not apart.  The specter of life without my heart, my lover was something I didn't even want to contemplate, and thankfully now I don't have to.


  1. Wonderful news!

  2. Thta's nice to hear.
    As I've said, you are both going through some difficult changes and it may take awhile before he's ready to verbalize how he feels.
    But I'm glad he did, and that you did, too.