Sunday dawned bright and beautiful, the sun reflecting off the snow was almost painful it was so bright. T.H. suggested that we go for a drive and enjoy the sun. As I jumped up into the truck, and shut the door, he asked me what had been bothering me lately. Said he noticed how unhappy I had been of late and wanted to know what was going on. I told him he didn't want to know what I was upset about, he told me to try him. Gender issues, I told him.
As we drove finally, in fits and starts all the stuff I had been holding in came tumbling out. Things were going along well and I felt like we were finally connecting again, when the question I had been dreading popped up. Do you want a sex change? I explained that yes, part of me really wants a sex change, and no I didn't want a sex change. He wanted to know why yes, and why no. I explained to the best of my abilities that while I do feel like a girl only rarely, I'm not sure that getting totally rid of my girl body would be something that I would want. And to be brutally honest, you can't build working boy parts out of girl parts. What I have, while it doesn't completely fit me, at least works as it was designed, which is important if you ask me.
T.H. told me that if I wanted a sex change, it was a deal breaker. And ya know what? I'm totally cool with that, and understand him completely. He didn't marry a boy, he married a girl, expecting the status quo to be maintained. After listening to my reasons for not to have a sex change, he agreed with all of my reasonings and then said, "So, you will be unhappy in your own skin the rest of your life?" What a perfectly wonderful thing to say! He finally is starting to get it, and is understanding of my dilemma. I go thru periods of wanting a boy body, and not liking my girl body, and I DO go thru periods of liking my girl body......yes, yes I know, what a mess.
We are talking again, and life is good. He keeps asking me if I want him to treat me differently, and I keep telling him to just love me like he always has. Because I am not a new person, only a person with new knowledge of who and what I am. Same same me, no change there, only a new understanding of me. So, we are both going to have to feel our way thru this whole new understanding of me, and I think we will encounter road bumps as we go along. And yes, I did tell him that I refuse to go back to a more fem hair style, this is here to stay. My clothing is going to change also, and he was cool with that too. He said if I do go to far for him to be comfortable with it, he mention it. Honestly though, I think he will just pull back away again, if we hit a large bump and it will take work to get things worked out.
But, for the first time in a really long time, I have hope for our future. I believe that we have a tomorrow together, and not apart. The specter of life without my heart, my lover was something I didn't even want to contemplate, and thankfully now I don't have to.