Friday, September 4, 2015

Circular Thoughts

A "dear" friend of mine sent me an email saying he had killed himself.  Which should be a time for grieving and sadness.

 But his passing is tainted by the reason he killed himself.

Because the FBI showed up on his doorstep and took his computer and bags of evidence for child pornography.

Leaving me with a jumbled mind. 

How can I mourn someone that I actually didn't know?

Should I even mourn someone who obviously was guilty, or he wouldn't have pulled the life plug?

I know quite a few people who were molested as children, and know how hard it was for them to put their life and self back together.  I HATE molesters!!!

but he was a friend, yeah?

and round and round and round my thoughts go, with no way to solve this dilemma between friendship and disgust.   knowing he will never again leave me an email, and feeling grief at losing his friendship.  but hating who he truly was.


  1. This is hard. I don't even know if it's appropriate to say "I'm sorry for your loss". I know I would be grieving the "friend" I thought I'd had, and at the same time I'd hope he is burning in hell for what they did.

  2. "and round and round and round my thoughts go, with no way to solve this dilemma" - yes, this. me too.

  3. I might hazard a guess as to say maybe he wasn't guilty, but knew that if the story was out, his life would be ruined so he ended it.

    But he could have been guilty and chosen this particular route.

    As for mourning, try and remember and mourn the person you knew, and not the secrets of that person that have now come to light, no matter how despicable, he kept. Remember your friend.

  4. Given the wording of his goodbye post, he was not innocent.

  5. Mourn the soul that was lost. If it was true mourn when it was lost, not the death of the body. If it was no true mourn the soul who could not see any other option.

    Life has great pain sometimes. Regardless of the reason something goes wrong some place. You may never know all the steps along the path but you can mourn that which is lost.

    And forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

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  7. People are complicated bundles of hopes, desires, behaviors, ideals, etc. This friend, who I have met, was a complicated man. He wasn't ALL bad or ALL good. I don't really know if he was guilty as charged, but I wouldn't rule it out. As bad as the accusation was, he wasn't ONLY that. It's distasteful, and I mourn for him that he (maybe) struggled with that temptation. He was also capable of being a nice guy and a good friend. And so I mourn, but yeah, it's complicated.