Adrift

I'm in a real quandry about what to wear for Third Son's wedding in July.  This has been bothering me for a quite while now.  Why?  Well, I dont want to cause any hurt feelings by not dressing appropriately.  I dont want attention drawn to myself by my clothing, as the attention should be fully on the bride and groom, not some weirdly dressed mom of the groom.

I've looked at pant suits for women, and ok they are very "stuffy" and would look out of place in our fairly casual Alaskan world.  I've looked at ethnic clothing, thinking a long tunic and pants would fit the bill.  However, it all depends upon the fabric/color choice on if its seen as an outfit or as a costume.  Outfit ok, costume, so not ok.

I wore a dress to Eldest Son's wedding, in fact it was the only dress in my closet when I ditched all my girl clothing.  Third Son is very easily hurt, he really is a marshmallow of a boy.  And part of  me worries that if I dont come in a dress, his feelings might be hurt.  With all of the upheaval in our family of late, we don't need any more drama period.

And if you are wondering, no things are no better with Eldest Son and his family.  We have seen him and the Grand just once since Christmas, at his house, wife gone, but constantly texting him to see if we were gone yet.  The visit was by invitation, and both TH and I were on edge the entire time. 

Looking in my closet its bare of anything that even comes close to dressy attire.  All I own is long sleeved, primarily black long sleeved thermal shirts, and two hoodies.  The newest one  is mega funny to me, as I drink very little, usually never more than a beer with supper.

I've been going to websites featuring woman's clothing, looking for articles of clothing that straddles the crack between what I would feel comfortable wearing and what is appropriate for a beloved son's wedding.  Clicking on the pages featuring dresses, skirts and feminine tops, causes my stomach to curl up, my chest to constrict.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't see me in any of these dresses.  In my mind I'm ok with the "idea" of wearing a dress, but faced with choosing one, feels me full of dread and grief.  The idea of seeing me dressed as a female is very upsetting to me.  It's hard enough living within a feminine body, without wearing full force fem clothing.

Attempting to look androgynous, has helped me deal somewhat with finishing out my life as a woman.  But the veneer is oh so very thin, and easily cracked and broken by the most innocuous occurrences.  Pulling me under, bashing me along the rocks of what I want, and what I need, and what I'm not willing to give up, let go of.