TH came home the other day, after a day out on his ATV with the youngest, and it had honestly been one of those days of nothing but tears. As he came in he instantly noticed my somber mood, and we had this conversation:
TH: What's wrong? Are you mad at me? (he thought i was mad at him for being gone all day)
TH: I feel bad that I was gone all day. You're not mad about it, are you?
me: No, I'm glad you got to get out and have muddy fun.
TH: Then whats wrong? Has the daughter in law being a pain again today?
me: No, she's still at work.
TH: Well somethings wrong, tell me what it is.
(our son was home, in his room, but still in the house, so I really didn't want to say what I was upset about)
me: Just the usual stuff
TH: What stuff?
me: The same stuff since December.
TH: I must be stupid today, cause I have no idea what your talking about.
me: Trans stuff
TH: You're always so sad anymore. I hate it.
me: I have a lot to work through. You're just going to have to give me the room to be upset while I work through all of this.
TH: I just want you to be happy again, that's all.
me: Then let me be sad, don't make me hide my feelings to make you feel better, ok?
TH: It'll be hard, but I'll try.
So, at least I finally got him to "allow" me the space to work through stuff and to be upset and not have to glue a fake smile on. This is such a relief. Since our little talk he has been much more understanding of me being sad. He's offering his lap for me to sit on and cuddle me again. It's been a while since that was offered. I think it's a two steps forward, one step back thing with TH. As long as he's working on it, that's all that really matters, yeah?
I would love to alter my body to reflect my male and female sides, and to dress accordingly. But, have come to the sad conclusion that the only way that will happen is to lose my family and they are much more important to me that my outer shell.
Now for my next trick is how to find my happiness again. How to live happily in and with a body that doesn't fit well, and that I've never been very happy with. We shall see......