Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Stepping Stones

TH came home the other day, after a day out on his ATV with the youngest, and it had honestly been one of those days of nothing but tears.  As he came in he instantly noticed my somber mood, and we had this conversation:

TH: What's wrong?  Are you mad at me? (he thought i was mad at him for being gone all day)
me:  No.
TH:  I feel bad that I was gone all day.  You're not mad about it, are you?
me:  No, I'm glad you got to get out and have muddy fun.
TH: Then whats wrong?  Has the daughter in law being a pain again today?
me:  No, she's still at work.
TH:  Well somethings wrong, tell me what it is.
(our son was home, in his room, but still in the house, so I really didn't want to say what I was upset about)
me: Just the usual stuff
TH: What stuff?
me:  The same stuff since December.
TH:  I must be stupid today, cause I have no idea what your talking about.
me: Trans stuff
TH:  You're always so sad anymore.  I hate it.
me:  I have a lot to work through.  You're just going to have to give me the room to be upset while I work through all of this.
TH: I just want you to be happy again, that's all.
me: Then let me be sad, don't make me hide my feelings to make you feel better, ok?
TH:  It'll be hard, but I'll try.

So, at least I finally got him to "allow" me the space to work through stuff and to be upset and not have to glue a fake smile on.  This is such a relief.  Since our little talk he has been much more understanding of me being sad.  He's offering his lap for me to sit on and cuddle me again.  It's been a while since that was offered.  I think it's a two steps forward, one step back thing with TH.  As long as he's working on it, that's all that really matters, yeah?

I would love to alter my body to reflect my male and female sides, and to dress accordingly.  But, have come to the sad conclusion that the only way that will happen is to lose my family and they are much more important to me that my outer shell.

Now for my next trick is how to find my happiness again.  How to live happily in and with a body that doesn't fit well, and that I've never been very happy with.  We shall see......


  1. You are amazing how you're facing up to this stuff after so many years of suppressing it. Your husband is amazing in how, however haltingly, he is supporting you through this. It would be so easy for either of you to run away. You are both so lucky. Good luck with that next trick. Some how I reckon you'll make it.

  2. Like Billy said, you're doing pretty well with coming to terms with all this after so many years. And your husband's pretty amazing too, to be even somewhat willing to help you along. It's definitely not easy, but you're (both) certainly making progress. :-)

  3. I am still .. thinking on your last post. But I am glad you still moving forward two steps forward one step back is still going the right way. Hang in there. I really hope you get to talk to that one person you told me about. I wish I could help you more. I haven't text you because don't know when is a good time. I am still in pain so sleep a lot still. Still thinking ... Love ya

  4. Sounds like some progress is being made. I hope you two continue to forge ahead.

    Sending you happy thoughts

  5. Well it sounds like there's been some progress. TH is at least accepting that you have real issues that need working through and that you'll need space to do it at times.

    I'm a lot more confident than I was a few months ago and I hope you are too.

    Lots of love