Friday, October 23, 2009

Whispering "Who is the strange girl hanging out on the gay/bi blogs?"

Who am I?  Well, that is the classic existential question.  I seem to be a person who does not 'fit' into any box completely, or quietly for that matter.  It seems the most consistent modifier attached to me is unusual.  I have also been called freaky, as in the old meaning and very recently with the newer meaning.  Being called freaky, either old or new meaning has always stung....  Oh, and a word of warning, I suffer from word vomit...

Raised in the midwest, with a large extended family, my personal family was normally of two, with my step dad making repeat engagements for various amounts of time.  My mom is mentally ill, and used me as valium.  Bad day at work?  Caught the eye of a traffic cop, speeding ticket, argued with family, because today has the letter a in the name, who the fuck knows why.. she used me as a stress reliever, and routinely beat the shit out of me.  And often the next day noticing the bruises, would beat me more when I told she caused them.....  My childhood bit, blew, sucked, was a wasteland of abandoned hopes.  Somewhere I gave up hope, and stopped caring, stopped believing in a saviour, and turned to drugs, alcohol and sex, and other really risky behavior.  Believing that any physical contact, that was not pain, was love.  Or at least a pale imitation that was acceptable to me.

The only consistent beacon of hope in my life, the reason I am still here, and did not off myself, and believe me the urge was there almost daily, was my uncle.  My dad was a weak person, and could not deal with the crazy that was my mom.  The day he left and didn't take me, was a mega karma drain for him.  His brother, when  I was in my teens came back into my life, and tried his best to help me.  Angel Uncle did his best to help me.  I spent months at a time living with him.  And just about the time, I was beginning to care about myself again, she would come back and take me home.  At one point, I begged Angel Uncle to keep me, I was in high school and things were becoming totally unmanageable for me.  If you had known me, I seemed happy!  Laughing, full of fun, always joking, but I was nothing but an empty shell.  Sitting on the floor, leaning against his leg, begging him to keep me, he told me there was no way he could.  The courts would never award custody to him.  And then he told me he was gay.  At that point I was confused.  'k, you are gay, you like men, female here, and what interest would you have sexually in me?????  Seemed like that would be the safest place for a female.....

As time went on, Angel Uncle felt comfortable enough, and had his boyfriend move in, while I was living there.  My male cousins were no longer allowed to spend the night.... The boyfriend was very uncomfortable with me for a long time.  I would come into the kitchen or the living room, and he would jump away from my Uncle. One time he fell over the piano bench!  So, finally I would leave the room when BF would come home from work, saying kiss him hello already.  He got used to me, but never comfortable showing my Uncle affection in front of me.  My Uncle pushed me to go to college, and if you read the two previous posts, you will see how I met The Husband, and left my midwest life, for a new life in Alaska.   College straight up saved my life.  I decided to stop trying to kill myself with my lifestyle, I was not going to do her dirty work for her.  If she wanted me dead, she would have to do it herself.  Uncle would never talk about his personal life.  And I always wondered what life was like growing up in a very conservative area, in the 40's.  Before I could convince him to talk to me, he was murdered by an evil twink.  He was stringing my Uncle along, stealing from him.  Twink's true boyfriend shot my Uncle at work, after robbing the place.  They both got life, but it didn't get my Uncle back his life......

While I used sex as a comfort, an illusion of love, at the bottom of it all?  I just plain enjoy sex.  And for some reason, only men are supposed to enjoy it.  I like looking at pics of yummy guys. My favorite site! And many men find it somewhat off putting, females expressing sexual desires.... So, straight guys are supposed to prove they are all that on the sheets.  Straight guys = sex with girls.  Right?  But, girls are not supposed to have sex, well if they don't want to be considered slutty. Is anyone else feeling the dichotomy here?  If they are not having sex with the good girls, the girls who they take to prom, the girls who won't spread for them, who are they having sex with?  Yeah, the girls like me, who are good enough in the dark, but embarrassing in the bright light of day.  Snub me once, never get another chance with me again.  This was my high school self, not now.

My now self?  Somehow I fell in love with a virgin.  Oh yeah, a 20 year old virgin.  With tons of hang ups, miles of embarrassment, always feeling like a pervert, if anything the least bit different was thought about, wanting to watch porn, feeling less than good about himself when he did.... After many years of boring missionary couplings, I couldn't stand it anymore.  And I stepped away from the marriage bed.  Realizing I was going to trade the love of my life for satisfying sex, I told him.  After over 10 years of marriage he finally loosened up a bit....  The thought that he might loose me, finally awakened him to sex is an important part of marriage.  Important part of my life. And then things started falling into place.... I kinda think my husband is bi.  I had a website loaded up, with sexy naked men, and left to go to the bathroom.  I like loud music, played loudly, and The Husband didn't hear me return.  He was looking at the pics, and was hard....  I didn't mention it to him.  After finally getting him to relax with m/f sex I didn't want to ruin it.  Yeah, so I  can be selfish.  I know he will never ever admit it to himself.  And me?  If he finally does admit to himself, and came out to me?  If we lived away from our kids, in a large city, yeah, he could bring someone else into our marriage.  If he is happy, I am happy.  Yeah, I do love him that much.  No, I am not being a door mat here with this.  There can never ever be enough love, and I am not talking sex here.  If it takes being emotionally loved by both a male and a female to make him happy, complete, so be it.  If he does come out to me, and wants to explore that portion of his sexuality?  Go for it, just as long as he plays safe and makes the guy wear a condom.

That is enough for today!  Enjoy today!


  1. I want to welcome you with open arms to the blog world. Your post is very moving. I love the way you write. I wish you a bunch of luck. I can't wait to learn more about you. Not like a stalker just reread that lol . Welcome Just

  2. Wow.

    Very touching post. It makes me want to give you a great big hug. But then - you don't know me and it would probably be all awkward.

    While I didn't have the same experience with my mother (I do have abandonment issues, though) - my (future ex)wife has been through something somewhat similar. Minus the physical abuse. Actually - I guess locking your child in a room for a week and drugging them is probably considered abuse. My mother-in-law is a truly evil person. She's not satisfied unless she's tearing one of her children down. As a result - my wife and her brother both battle mental issues of their own, probably stemming from the abuse.

    I'm so sorry about your uncle. I can't begin to comprehend what that must have been like.

    But - in the end - it sounds as though you're a well adjusted person. I don't think many women would have the ability to allow their husbands to explore their bi/gay side. I think he's very luck to have you.