Hidden in plain sight

I've been to Arizona Pride twice, and both times have felt oddly uncomfortable, and have been squirreling about to figure out why ever since.  The first time was with a local blogger and we kept being mistaken for a straight couple.  This time I went with a good friend of mine who is lesbian, and again the uncomfortable feelings were present.  So, it wasnt the company I was with, its something within me, keeping me from fully enjoying it.

There are times when the meetup group has a number of new people, who see a female shape, and assume I'm a lesbian.  Several of the people that I've informed that I'm a gay third gender guy ( or trans-man) very often say, "Hey, I'm not into labels!"  Which to me is a backhanded slap.  How would they feel if I disrespected their sexual orientation in the same manner?

Many people scoff at bisexual invisibility, but I totally get it as I to feel invisible quite often when in LGBTQ spaces.  Stepping outside the trans-man accepted role of how to look and act makes me even more invisible and unbelieved. 

Humans have a built in template of male and female coded into each society as to acceptable behavior and looks.  Step to far out of that box and it makes others very uncomfortable, as several recent studies have shown.  Which could explain some of the hate the extremely femme gay guys receive, they look male, but act feminine, a dichotomy that is often to much for those who are fairly inflexible in their thinking.  The violence against certain members of our LBGTQ family is incited by the herd mentality of different is dangerous.  And while LGBTQ on LGBTQ is fairly rare, we do trend to fall into groups by skin color and orientation.

There is no way for me to project a trans-man exterior.  Dressing butchy makes me look like a butchy lesbian.  Dressing as I usually do, lesbian or straight depending upon the company I'm with.  Short of wearing a shirt proclaiming who I am, I see no way of projecting my inner self. 

Why is this so important to me to be seen for who I actually am?  Not a clue, all I know it wears on me to be invisible in GLBTQ spaces.

Been thinking about returning to the transgender conference, and not being ashamed of not conforming to the accepted way trans-men are supposed to dress or act.  Wearing a third gender shirt and not trying to act any differently than usual.  For once in my life walk proud, not slinking around corners, not being ashamed of who I am and projecting an apologetic air for not fitting into gender norms.  Part of the issue with this conference is the average age of the people who attend, 40+ so they are still operating with the olde manual where the holy grail is to "pass".  Not to live for personal happiness, but to adhere to others ideals of what it means to be trans on either side of the gender divide.

 Found this article today, and from the looks of it, the younger set has a better grasp of how to live happily as trans, third gender, etc, etc, etc. 

After reading this, article I'm giving more thought to why the fuck should it matter as to who others think/believe me to be? 

A little kitchen chemistry

I've tried nearly every vegan "cheese" available, and they are all horrible.  I did find a shredded rice cheeze that tasted really good!  Yum!  And then the grinding unhappiness from the internal combustion chamber, turns out, it had milk casein in it.  Why anyone would go to the effort to make nearly vegan cheeze but yet add a milk product to it totally escapes me.  There is one that is super tasty and totally safe and in some miraculous fashion tastes nearly the same as Parmesan even though its made with cashews, yeah I dont understand that either, screwy yeah?

Now my desire for edible pizza has been growing the longer I've been marooned on the gluten free, milk free, etc diet.  Most of the gluten free crusts, are just sad.  For the most part they are hard and tasteless.  If a restaurant offers vegan cheeze its always Daiya brand, and while it is the best thats out there I have several issues with it.  One, it has a weird nasty after flavor.  And two I have this issue with eating food with little to no nutrient content, only calories, and somehow this cheeze has little to offer in food value.

While wandering around Amazon a while ago, I came across several books on making vegan cheeze, and bought the one that had the best ratings and hoped for the best.  The first recipe out of the book was a total snooze fest, cheeze sauce.  While I hate to toot my own horn, the one I invented was light years better than the one in the book.  However, I decided to press on and try a cheeze from the book, and the simplest one was mozzarella.  I gathered up the required ingredients, one of which had to be ordered, kappa carrageenan.  "A natural hydrocolloid, carrageenan is a natural extract from specific red seaweed species that are farmed and processed. It is used as a suspending and emulsifying stablizer, thickener, binder and gelling agent."   And was ready to give this a whirl.

It was a bit tiring stirring for nearly 30 minutes of a mixture that became ever more dense and harder to stir, but at long last, it was done.  The cheeze needs to sit in the fridge around 24 hours after making before tasting, the wait was killer long!

Finally!  It was cheeze tasting time. 

                                        HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE!  

Its mega delicious!  

I tried it out on a friend and after her first tenetive taste, asked for more!  This cheeze is OMG good. Whipping out a gluten free french bread recipe, I conjured up a batch of dough to make pizza.    This would also be my first adventure in GF pizza dough.  It was hard to not keeping cracking open the oven door, I just had to know how things were progressing.  Was the dough looking pizza-ish?  How about the cheeze, was it melting?  Finally after about 9 million hours it was done! 

                                      PIZZA!

Chewy dough, melty globby cheeze, this my friends was a pizza to enjoy.  So much so that two days later I made another one!

I finally hit the pizza wall, and froze the last 4 pieces. 

Last night I melted some of the cheeze into milk with a little vegan butter and some nutritional yeast (to give it a stronger cheese flavor) and made, mac and cheeze!  Yummy!  Soft and gooey, perfect mac and cheese, so good I reheated it and had it for breakfast. 

Next up, I'm going to give the cheddar cheeze recipe a whirl.....  Nachos here I come!

That didn't go as expected...

I came out a guy at work today.  Younger, ever so not religious and his response? 

"Well, what ever floats your boat."

Needless to say I feel hurt and sorta kinda violated, and now don't know how to deal with him.

Really?

Last Friday a friend and her friend and I met for lunch.   Now you have to know that my friend....Polly is a funny lady, one is never bored when she's around, add in the fact that Polly knows zillions of folks, and one of those she knows came along for lunch.  I was remiss and didnt do a preview of their menu online, and went into this place cold, stupid me.  I requested a gluten free menu and began to study the offerings. 

Hmm, chicken, ok no.......  Pasta, umm no tis all dairy based, shoot.  Salad!  Umm, not that either.  I refuse to pay 15$ for a salad that after I get done leaving off all the items I can't eat, is nothing more than a sad pile of lettuce and a few stray veggies.  Ok, they have burgers....and gluten free buns.  Hmm, ok I shall check out to see if egg makes me sick.   Yum!  What a nifty great tasting burger!  Nummy!

Holy Fuck Nuts!  Within about 20 minutes I was itching, itching, itching!!!  Ok, ok calm down, thats the egg, no worries.  Then the world started to go all smeary and drunk.   I took a antihistamine, and thought that would solve things.  Umm, that would be a big negatory.  By then my tummy was protesting, and it was giving warning signs of flipping the switch from input to vomit.  I made it thru doing the pull/holds at "work", but left them the job of running the reports and getting them in their boxes.

I went home, and luckily never did flip the switch to vomit, whew!  By Monday I was beginning to feel mostly human again, but still weak and shaky.  By now all the dishes were dirtied and I didnt feel well enough to hand wash em.  So I jammed the dish washer full, poured in the soap and started her up and went to bed. 

Next morning, feeling better!  w00t!  Ate some breakfast, then some lunch, and life got really bad again in the stomach department.  I thought a bowl of simple broth would help me, and pulled open the dishwasher all the way and laying on top of all the dishes was a layer of dishsoap... sigh.  So, that's what was killing my tummy, the poor thing was soaped! 

Today beginning to feel human again!! 

Just in time for Friday.  What's happening Friday you ask?  Something I've been putting off for over a year, and now due to losing around 30 lbs...I cant avoid it any longer.  The worst thing ever for a third gender guy to buy                                                 a bra