Biki 2.1

Biki 2.1

I've been doing a great deal of life searching since arriving in Phoenix. Deconstructing my past, sifting through my present, and laying the foundation of what I'd like my future to contain.

I used to be fearless, and didnt just leap without looking, I cannonballed. But through the years as being a mom of little people my life became more and more about being an extension of the need to keep them alive, which tends to make most of us more cautious, as it did me. Also being a mom one tends to lose any privacy, and alone time is almost an undiscovered country. Alone time? I had little people and a puppy sitting in the hall way awaiting my return from the bathroom. Little starfish hands, furry paws poking under the door, wee voices asking me when I'm coming out. Yes, my life was soo not mine. After years and years and years of never being alone, when the last one moved away, it was an odd feeling to not be needed on a daily, hourly, and minutely basis. Compound that with living 90 miles one way from the nearest town. Anything and everything we needed had to be fetched from this town. A date night with TH in town included a 3 hour drive round trip! Tack on dinner, and a movie and our turn around time is now somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 hours..... Needless to say, date nights in town were a rare thing indeed.

Its only been in the last 3 years, since our move into town that I've grocery shopped alone since we married. Due to this anomaly I'm slowly learning to do stuff alone. Grocery shopping is a no worry item. Clothes shopping, is a task I'd rather do alone, it allows me to flow between the guys and girls clothing without any input from TH. I've gotten quite good at managing the usual day to day stuff that absorbs our lives errand wise alone. There were still a few places that I feared, and decided that had to stop and stop now!

Eating out alone. Yeah, thats a toughie, as to me food is a companionship thing, its hard enough to eat in the apartment alone. But trying out new recipes does help that as I love to experiment in the kitchen. So, the other day after coming back from Tempe to get my hair cut and colored, I decided that dinner would be out. I started at a chinese restaurant, and then changed to pizza. It was odd at first to be quite honest with ya, but I did calm down, and ate my usual two slices. And......it was nice to be flirted with by the manager....yay!

So, my wee orange car has a severe drawback, it lacks air conditioning. Yeah. We have decided that when I come back in the fall, we will buy me a new car for here, and leave my orange car at home. That way no matter where I'm at, I have transport. Last week, I drove up to the Toyota dealer and for the first time ever, test drove cars alone. It was rather offputting at first, but I quickly found my footing and started controlling the meeting, and have planned more car tryouts in the near future.

This past week, I really really REALLY wanted to see "John Carter" at the movies. I decided to go last week, only to chicken out......sigh.... Then 4 nights ago, I was determined to GO! I got to the door and was so filled with fear about going out at night, I had to sit down for awhile, missing the start time of the movie. After I got my emotions in hand, I forced the issue and went to the movies. I watched "Thin Ice". Two nights ago I finally watched "John Carter". The first time was horrid filled with fear on the drive to the theater, the last time was a walk in the park!

It feels great to recover my independence, to find that I can do things alone, and do a bang up job at it.

Count down until 3rd son and wife arrive, 4 days.

Count until I leave paradise, 26 days.....

Sent from my iPad

A Response to a Comment

My last post, Leaves of Green, sparked a comment that I want to address.

"I know that that's not what your post was about, but I was wondering if you could explain why the lgbt label is as it is...surely sexual preference is a separate thing from gender identity?? i dunno...really not being rude, just a little confused xx "

Sexual identity is a separate issue from gender identity, no question about it. However, how do you classify the sexual identity of a transgender/transsexual person? Does one address the sexual identity of the outer "visual" person? Or the gender they actually are?

If a transwoman (male to female) is sexually attracted to men, does that make her straight or gay if she hasnt transitioned yet? The world sees her as male, yet inside shes most absolutely female.

When people ask me if I'm gay or straight, I answer, "yes". Which provokes a confused expression, and more questions, which I'm happy to answer. If you go by body, well then I'm straight. If you address my sexuality on my gender, then without a doubt I'm gay. As a no-op transman, everyone sees a female, so to them, yeah I'm without a doubt straight.

However, this dancing around about what sexual orientation trans folk are, isnt really the reason we are included in the rainbow world of GLBT folk. One of the most prevalent ideas the straight world has of us is that all gay men are feminine and are untrustworthy under pressure, (like most men think of women), and all lesbians are butchy and dress in doc martins, sports short short hair, are inked up, and drive large trucks. And yeah, of course this is true of some of our rainbow world, it doesnt speak the truth about most of us.

To the outside world all of us are seen as crossing or at the least blurring gender roles and lines. A gay guy can be the most masculine man in the world, and is seen that way.....until people find out he's gay, and then to a vast majority of the straight world, he has lost his "man" card. All gay and lesbian families get asked the same question over and over and over, their eyes will shift from one to the other and then finally ask, "so....which one of you is the girl?" They cant perceive how two guys can be together without one them adopting the "feminine" role in both the bedroom and in the home. Lesbians have it easier, as most people are used to seeing women hug and kiss and living together, and of course it does seem to be every straight man's sexual fantasy to watch two ladies having sex.

The GLBT world uses a rainbow as their symbol due to the fact we come in so many shades and nuances. We are masculine, feminine, neither gendered, we are gay, bi, lesbian, and fluid. We are every color that humans come in. Rich, poor, college graduates, high school drop outs. Thin, thick, tall, short, bald, hairy, etc. As a group we are a wide swath of humanity as a whole. The only thing that really holds us together as a group at all is our being on the outside of the fence of what is seen as "normal".

As society catches up to the wonderfulness that the GLBT world offers to them, every year it's more and more "acceptable" to be gay, bi and lesbian. However the world at large is still rather confused about trans folk, and really this makes perfect sense to me. Because you can boil down the GLB part as being only about sex and sexual orientation. Take that part from any equation, and the truth to the old saying, "I'm more than just my orientation" and they are ever so right, they are! However, if you're gender and sex match, most likely you have never given any thought to your gender, you just are. While gay men and lesbian women make people rethink their ideas about whats acceptable in a sexual context, for most people trans folk make others uncomfortable. While most people can imagine what two lgb people do in bed, they cant imagine what it means to not match gender and sex wise. And while there is still a large "ick" factor with two guys having sex, there is an even larger "ick" factor about men cutting off their penis and testicles to become female. I have to admit there is much less "ick" about females becoming male, mostly I think because as a whole us transmen are seen to being going in the "right" direction, because ya know of course men are best. ;-p

Or you could boil it down this way. To be a member of the GLBT world, something about you needs to make the majority of society to recoil and feel uncomfortable. We are the dirty little secret straight society wants to keep locked so as to feel comfortable. And believe me there is nothing more discomforting that a transwoman, in doubt? Look at how often transwomen are murdered by their sexual partners, especially the black, and latino portions of our world.

I hope this answers you in such a way as to understand us trans folk do belong in the rainbow world.

Leaves of Green

So, yeah.....I've been MIA now for a month. What has been going on? Loads of soul searching, and a slow spiral into a mild form of depression. Back in the bad ol' days of childhood, anytime my female parent wanted to show me just how worthless I was, she did it by withholding physical affection. How do I know this? She told me so, over and over. "Who could love YOU?" And 2 months without any physical contact has drawn me into myself. This was one of the reasons I fought against coming to Arizona alone. I knew it wouldn't be good for me, and in many respects it isn't. On the flip side, I havent been this healthy for eons. I can run around all day, and still have left over energy, well unless I've driven the 101 in heavy traffic, which once home always requires a power nap.

TH came for his visit. And it was weird. How? Well, he was rather stand-offish, and seemed really uncomfortable with me for the most part. I fully believe that he came expecting me to tell him that I'm leaving him to transition. Finally, finally with only 2 hours before his plane left, as we were getting him all ready to go, I finally got a true hug out of him. If only he had done that when he arrived! I love TH, but am so tired of being in the dark as to what the fuck he's thinking. Yes, I do ask him, and only rarely does he tell me what he's truly thinking.

My quest continues to find the perfect tamale. I'm beginning to think due to the massive amount of work it takes to make these culinary gems they are falling out of favor in the food industry.

Tomorrow I leave for Lake Havasu to visit a long time friend and her hubby. We bonded back in Hell Town due to the fact we were both outcastes. They came up last summer to attend 3rd son's wedding and go fishing with my father-in-law. Still on the fence about telling her about me. The pro side said it would be nice to be honest with a long time friend. The con said, dont fuck up a long time friendship with unnecessary info.

One thing I've found as a common thread about coming out to the few people I have, is that almost no one understands what it means to be transgender. Once I've come out to them, and they have gotten over the shock, then the questions start to flow. Which is fine really.

A long long time friend of TH's and mine, is very religious, and when I came out to him, he was stunned, which is putting it mildly. We have talked about what it means to be transgender, and then once he asked about my sexual orientation, of course assuming that I am straight, he was thrown for a loop to think that not only is his friend a guy but is also gay. The one really good thing about coming out to him, is that he now looks at lgbt folk with a different viewpoint. Much less judgmental, and much more open to accepting them. If I could figure out how to give him a few books on religion and being gay/lesbian and a few on transgender lives I would. However, his wife is a notorious gossip, and she would work on him to figure out what his sudden interest is in this subject. He is fine keeping secrets from her, as part of his church work, but if he had books, she would start to look at people in their church and wonder who, who, who.........Which could cause someone being outted due to her loose lips.

I'm hard at work on a sweater for 3rd son's wife. He saw a knitting magazine on the sofa before I left Alaska, and fell in love with this one sweater, and asked me to knit it for her as a gift. I made her pick out the yarn color. No way am I doing all that work, only for her to hate the color! I have the back and a sleeve done. So, halfway done! The cool cool cool thing is they are coming for a visit the first bit of April!!! w00t! FTW! I want to have it done and ready to wear when they arrive. No, it will be acres to hot for her to wear it here, but the weather is still firmly sweater weather in Alaska in April.

And now..........for an apology. I'm very sorry, so very sorry that I haven't been keeping up with all of your blogs. I havent been reading anything in blogland. Why? It's like I'm frozen and full. I start to read and then encounter sadness, and need to pull out. I'll try better in the future, yeah?