Usually I'm a very decisive person. When I have a decision to make, I look at the choices, weigh each option, and then make a decision, done. I've always been that way. I may agonize a bit over the choices, like last summer. The decision that I arrive at might not make me totally happy, however if I feel that to be the best thing to do, that is what I do, end of story. While my decision to never transition hasn't wavered, it's a continuing source of sadness for me. Something that I don't see changing, but really I dont see myself happy with either choice that is available to me.
What is driving me nuts is my lack of being able to make a decision and stick to it on what to wear to the wedding.
A decision is made, a choice is thoroughly thought out and I'm ok with it. But within days, or at times even hours later the desire to attend in that fades completely away.
Truthfully it's all I can think of. Day and night, the question floats around in my head. Options, choices float by, each having a great reason for being there, until I grab one, and then it flares into smoke in my hand, and I'm left with nothing.
Here's my choices as I see them.
1. I wear a dress and make everyone else happy, but not me.
2. I wear a dressy trouser outfit, this choice would make me happier, but not 3rd son.
3. I come as I wish, something rather funky, rather unusual, look like me, but really really stick out like a sore thumb. And feel awkward all night.
After writing this all out? I can see what my major malfunction is. It's who to please, them or me. I'm tired of submersing my needs and desires for others. I fear upsetting the family, as I've been tossed away by my birth family, and am really on thin ice as it is with eldest. I'm tired being discarded by people who claim to love me.
How weary I am though of never being able please me. Always having to please others first, or only. I've been called a "doormat" before by a friend on blogger. While some of my actions could be seen that way, what I think it all boils down to is the fear of being tossed away. TH has always been there for me, never wavered in his devotion to me, and before this winter, I thought that my relationship with my sons was secure as well. If we could pop their females out of the equation then I know where I stand with the boys. Add them in, and the whole game becomes a wild card, a crap shoot, a step into the unknown, and that's where my fear lies.
I never in my wildest dreams thought any thing in the world would come between myself and eldest. We were so damned tight. We were simpatico. On the same page. And possibly that could have been Dil's issue with me, she felt threatened by my presence in Eldest's life and I had to be eliminated.