Monday, July 26, 2010

learning to fly

i feel that somewhere in this crash and burn that has become my life, a vital piece of me is lost.  even on my best of times now i feel.........muted.

where did i lose me?  i mean really, i'm the same person that i've always been, just awake now.  yeah, no more submarining for me, no more running from who i am.........who knew that waking up would cause so much angst?

stupid silly optimistic me thought this would all be an easy journey.  what a fucking fool i can be at times.

in all of this.......wasteland my inner life has become there are a few brightly lit areas.  i love, love, love spending time with my wee little baby girl.  she is just so sweet, and perfect.  funnily enough, from what my son says, she smiles bigger and more for me than anyone besides him and his lovely wife.  which is mega cool.

my hubby has a friend that he has had since 5th grade, and he has became my friend as well.  a few days ago i came out to him.  scared doesn't describe how i felt when i was telling him.  he told me at the end that he still loves me.  and to him, i'm still the most awesome person he has ever met.......

i'm poised on the edge of the cliff looking down, wanting to soar away into life.  but i seem to have lost how to navigate the winds.

for some reason this person seems to really need the window dressing of a male mannequin in the shop window to be open for business.  do i hate my current mannequin, no. just a huge lack of attachment to it.

adrift without a course to direct me to any shore.  i cant live as a male.  living as a female never was any kind of a fit.  so where does that leave me to live?

life as androgyne, is the closest i can come to something that sorta kinda almost fits.  to pull that off though i need some sort of chart, cause i have no clue how to blend the inner and outer of me into something i can feel comfortable with.

one of my comments a while back suggested that i take vacations to somewhere occasionally to live as a man.  i'm afraid if i let me out of the box totally there would be no way to hold back the surgery.....and that isn't a viable option for me now.  losing my hubby is something that i cant bear to think of.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Yeah, I'm an optimist who sees a better future for lgbt

While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system.  It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten.  Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live.  If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be you can tell I'm idealistic.  This is my rambling thoughts on things...

Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and to be the best person you can be holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'.  After the big issues religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior.  Food rules is a big one, not eating something or other, or only in certain combinations, i.e. no meat and milk products at the same meal.  Not having physical contact with someone of the opposite sex, Orthodox Jews and Muslims are two that come to mind where even shaking hands or being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex is considered 'wrong'.  The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana.  And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go, but at least you are one step up from an animal!

I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion.  Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others.  I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word.  Humans are tricky tricky beings, and counter to that we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead.  Why?  Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that we all suffer to some degree from self doubt, and many of us lack the ability to walk counter to the current flow of the current culture comfortably and happily.

And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us.  Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse.  I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins.  They are weird!  Odd!  Not to be trusted!  Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old.  This seems to be the age when we are just finding out who we are, how we are different from our parents, and if we are alike, similar or vastly counter to our age mates.  We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences.  No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!

As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws.  Why?  I think it all boils down into two parts.  One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior.  Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong?  The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil.  These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life and afterlife.  And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'.  Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world around them.  A change that is often not dealt with well, a change that can't be absorbed easily or for many rationally, and so our scapegoats are born.  We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats.  We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group!  Oh, lucky lucky them!

Two, fear pure and simple.  Why fear?  Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear.  Fear you won't get into heaven.  Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc.  Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.

From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for them, and are accepted and in some cases revered.  It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people.  Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly.  So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard.  Why?  I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.

Many people require a larger than usual 'alike' group to surround them, and they will blindly follow their piper into acts of atrocity, and acts that counter their religion.  In this group are: the people who believed Hitler's poisonous views, Stalin's backers, and how many Americans treated our native peoples, and others to numerous to list.  Sadly, I have to include many large religious groups, primally the Mormons and the Southern Baptists as groups who would do anything to cleanse society of unworthies.  Those that are in charge of these religions force their lgbt members to either flee from their religion and families, or to live their entire life as a lie, conforming to keep their families, and their religion.  Or even sadder are the people who believe the horrible lies they hear week after week in their churches and homes about how it's counter to G-d's wishes to be lbgt, and in grief and despair take their own lives to make the pain go away.

In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens.  Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race.  Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes.  And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it.  How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.

And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using massive amounts of air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it.  From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group.  As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas.  The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day.  Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitude is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of the "change is bad viewpoint".

But like I said I'm an optimist who does believe/feel that civil rights and equality are very close to being within our grasp.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


i've never felt this way before


all i do is cry

or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake

i know that our bodies are only window dressing

but to never been seen for who i truly am

to never been seen as a man


is painful

i'm at war with myself

life without my husband and children is unimaginable

that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief

i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me

in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal

bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing

but grief

my jail is my body

the key is in my hand

but to use it

would kill my heart

Sunday, July 4, 2010

5 on the 5th

Well once again I'm doing the 5 on the fifth from Stephen Chapman's blog.  This month the theme is "This Past Weekend"  And for once I was busy on the weekend, AND had my camera, and actually took some pictures!  Yeah I know shocking. 

I pulled out of my closet all of the fem clothes that i didn't enjoy wearing that that weren't me.  The sad thing is that three of the items pictured were never worn!  Including the shoes.  The other things were either  worn once, or only a few times.  But now they are gone!  And I feel so happy to have them out of my closet, now if i could only come out as well....

My hubby's niece was getting married, so off we went to Anchorage to attend the gala event.  This was a field of flowers at a lodge we stopped and had lunch at.  Very scenic place, but honestly there is very little of Alaska that isn't scenic!

We ate at our favorite place for breakfast Snow City Cafe.  There is always a line a mile long, and a wait for at the very least 25 minutes, and this is for breakfast!  Weekend or week days, it doesn't seem to matter.  They have started handing out the little buzzy blinky things that busy restaurants have, but for breakfast?  Yeah, yeah I know, but the food is wonderful!  They make the strawberry jam, have actual maple syrup, and enough choices to make any one happy!

And like everyone I know, while visiting Anchorage, one shops!  We are in needing some new furniture, so we stopped several places to get an idea about what we wanted.  I didn't get anything this time as we were traveling in my little Aveo, and yes my car is orange!  Hubby was also in the need for some new clothing, so I drug him into a store and forced him to try on stuff, that shock of the world he both liked and took home!

The niece was lucky with the weather, it was extremely cloudy, but no rain!  Whew! Cause let me tell you, the entire wedding party was sweating the weather.  Hubby's brother was a bundle of nerves before the wedding, as he was giving his daughter away.  And he was so sure he would do something wrong, or trip or he just didn't know what, but it got to be kinda funny actually.  After the ceremony he calmed right down and enjoyed the party.  Three of our sons and their wive/fiancee/girlfriend's came, along with the baby.  We all sat at the same table and had a nice long visit.  We also got to visit with family that we usually don't see very much, because they live so far from us. One way is around 8 hours, so yeah we only see them sporadically.   It takes 5 hours to get to Anchorage, and yeah our state is freaking huge!

All in all it was a wonderful weekend.  I'm glad we took the time to attend her wedding.  Next summer we will be throwing a wedding for our 3rd son.  So, these people we dont see to often will show up, and we shall have a chance to visit with them again.