Thursday, April 8, 2010

Twisted Transistor

Hey you, hey you
Devil's little sister
Listening to your
Twisted transistor

Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough

A lonely life
Where no one understands you
But don't give up
Because the music do

Music do, music do
Music do, music do
Music do, music do

Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you
Forever preaching

"Fuck you too!"
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted transistor

Hey you, hey you
Finally you get it
The world ain't fair
Eat you if you let it

And as you're tears fall on
Your breasts, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess

Hey you, hey you
This won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt

Says who, says who
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize

Just let me be
Between you and me, don't fit
Lyrics by Korn

Yeah, and that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.  

Things are better with T.H. (the husband) however it's because I'm self editing in a large way.  I'm having a hard time dealing with me, and at the same time trying to placate him.  And my usual way of making things calm, is to back down and as I have been told, act as a door mat to everyone else.  Why do i act this way?  FFS I have no idea, only that I hate living with strife.  So, my inability to deal with upsetting others, has me stifling myself.  I only have my own self to blame for not getting what i want.

Have you even noticed that if you repeat any word quickly enough times it loses it meaning, and shortly doesn't even sound like an actual word?  Yeah, that's kinda how I feel.  I have dug around in me so much, I'm no longer sure who in the hell, what in the hell I am, or even worse what I want.  I seemed to have lost my meaning.....

I was gushing over a pair of really cute  plaid trainers, and later that day in a rather smug voice T.H. said, "You certainly sounded like a girl earlier when you were drooling over those trainers."  Sigh, yeah I do sound like a girl at times, I'm not completely a boy after all, hence the whole androgyne that I've told him I am.  So, anytime I do anything remotely feminine, it is held up and shook at me.  

To keep the peace I'm wearing clothes I dont like wearing, and had hoped not to have to wear again.  So, I'm wearing the feminine tops that I have and have never liked or felt comfortable wearing.  I've never enjoyed carrying a handbag, but now I feel like I have to. 

I feel that to get what I want, a less feminine life,  I'll lose what I have, a husband who loves me.  I hate this see saw life!  There are times I wished that I had never figured me out, never understood who/what I was.  I'm happier inside of me, but my life is so much more complicated, and full of angst and at times despair that my life will ever get any happier.

1 comment:

  1. No matter what your closet, being gay, being androgyne, or having any secret, it's always a struggle to decide whether to break out completely, or partially.
    I went trough a similar feeling when I was coming out. Some friends that I knew would understand and accept, I told instantly; others that I wasn't so sure about, I didn't tell at all. So, there was the battle between my gay self and my closeted self. It was a struggle, but in the end, for me, it was worth it to be my true being to all.
    But it's a struggle and a conclusion each person must make on their own, and no one can tell you how to do it, what to do, when....any of that.
    All we can do is share our collective experiences and then be there when you need comfort or inspiration or a sounding board.