Walking through my daily life, I know that no matter where I go, what I wear no one will ever mistake me for a guy. I'm not androgynous enough looking to spark confusion, or even the hateful adjective "it" that is used when some ones sex is completely ambiguous.
The last few weeks has seen me in an emotional tailspin, depression shadowing my every breath. Holding back the despair, only works for brief moments at a stretch. Clicking away with my Hipstamatic app, playing my ds game Phoenix Wright Attorney at Law, and my mind is miles away from my corporal self. And I enter that blissful state of not having a sex or gender, and am able to enjoy life. The bliss is short lived and all to shortly I'm slammed back into this confused whirlpool mind.
I can't go back and live wholly as a female, that door is firmly shut. However, life as male isn't an option either. I stand in the hallway of gender, unable to open the door to either gender.
The only way to describe myself is as two puzzles that have been mingled together, some of the pieces of each lost, and now the only way forward is to somehow make those two disparate pictures combine into one. But the trick is, how? How to keep my inner guy happy, living within a female body? How to live always being perceived as female, seeing the feminine form in the mirror?
I've become overwhelmed with can't.
There has to be a different way forward, a way to create a wholly new person from these pieces and parts that don't play well together.
Being overwhelmed with can't, I've decided to work with what I am. My list starts at the very bedrock, hopefully as I finish the foundation of me, I'll begin to find ways to erect the framework of who I can be, rather than who I can't be.
Who I Am.
a good person
kind
a worthwhile person
loving
generous
unique, and that's not always a bad thing
gentle
funny
Turning down the noise of can't, squelching the all pervading strictures of society, ripping off the layers of past, I know my answer is there, within me. I just need to listen harder.
Buddha, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
The last few weeks has seen me in an emotional tailspin, depression shadowing my every breath. Holding back the despair, only works for brief moments at a stretch. Clicking away with my Hipstamatic app, playing my ds game Phoenix Wright Attorney at Law, and my mind is miles away from my corporal self. And I enter that blissful state of not having a sex or gender, and am able to enjoy life. The bliss is short lived and all to shortly I'm slammed back into this confused whirlpool mind.
I can't go back and live wholly as a female, that door is firmly shut. However, life as male isn't an option either. I stand in the hallway of gender, unable to open the door to either gender.
The only way to describe myself is as two puzzles that have been mingled together, some of the pieces of each lost, and now the only way forward is to somehow make those two disparate pictures combine into one. But the trick is, how? How to keep my inner guy happy, living within a female body? How to live always being perceived as female, seeing the feminine form in the mirror?
I've become overwhelmed with can't.
There has to be a different way forward, a way to create a wholly new person from these pieces and parts that don't play well together.
Being overwhelmed with can't, I've decided to work with what I am. My list starts at the very bedrock, hopefully as I finish the foundation of me, I'll begin to find ways to erect the framework of who I can be, rather than who I can't be.
Who I Am.
a good person
kind
a worthwhile person
loving
generous
unique, and that's not always a bad thing
gentle
funny
Turning down the noise of can't, squelching the all pervading strictures of society, ripping off the layers of past, I know my answer is there, within me. I just need to listen harder.
Buddha, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
Hang in there, Biki. Bob at I Should Be Laughing said I should visit here. I've got a similar problem but it's reversed. I took a COGIATI test online and it pretty much confirmed what I knew already -- I'm female trapped in a male body.
ReplyDeleteMost days I can cope but there are times when I wish I could transition without fear. Maybe I will someday. Maybe I'll stay tortured. I really don't know but I'm going to see a counselor next year when I can afford it.
Leave it to Buddha to put it so succinctly.
ReplyDeleteYou need to sit in the silence of the peace within and hear what that voice says.
That's the voice that knows, no matter how much you may not like the answer.
@Bob: Absolutely, thanks, that applies to so much for so many of us.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
A good quote for you:
ReplyDelete"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer
When you were with and then so recently back from mingling with people who were sharing your journey you were as though 'reborn' and there were lots of positive vibes around
ReplyDeleteIt can't always be like that but if you have a scrapbook of memories or even a diary or pictures . . . perhaps you have email addresses or phone numbers.
You should seek the support of knowing now that you are far from alone and that RJ may be a kindred voice for you in what is otherwise a blogging community which tries to be supportive but ultimately mostly ploughs a different furrow.
I just think that you didn't go to the conference for nothing.
Biki when we try to control things that are not always within our grasp to do so, we can drive ourselves further from our solution. Try letting go of the definition you wish to mold and be who you are. No one said you had to be absolutely anything. Just be you and who you think you are. :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope that makes sense to you.