Falling Rose Petals

I used my iphone 3, with hipstamtic app.  Dried rose petals from the Valentine's Day bouquet from TH, and window insulating film.

Our economy is really this bad?

Well, in my mistaken opinion, I had thought our economy was slowly improving.  After seeing this sign in my local Megamart, it seems that I was overly optimistic.  So, if any of y'all are looking for cute houseboys, here's your chance!  This could also be your big chance to fulfill your harem fantasy!  I was all set to pick me up a two-for-one, but sigh TH nipped that idea in the bud! 

Biki and the Pflag Meeting

The day peeked around the shades in the darkened bedroom, slowly Biki was beginning to rouse.  After floating for a while in that blissful state between awake and sleep, suddenly was ripped from that nirvana by the remembrance that today was the DAY.  Speaking in front of others day.  Speaking about being an other.  Speaking to others about being a patchwork person.

In an effort to find a way back to connect on any layer with the feminine, small things have been lately tried by Biki.  The one thing that he can get out of the house with is black fingernail polish.  For whatever reason, black is Biki's strength color.  Wearing black makes Biki feel brave, strong, and able to deal with other people without fear.  Slathering a thick coat of black on nails, grabbing the blackest shirt, black earrings, grabbing the catalog from the transgender conference, he was ready to go.

In the car, blasting The Gazette hoping to fill the worried scared crevices with head bang deliciousness, he drove to the wrong street.  Pulling into an empty parking lot, pulling out the trusty iphone, ahh ... okies not 4 Avenue, but 8th!  Still even with the unscheduled scenic route, he wasn't late.  But what's this?  No Pete?  Sigh, he couldn't make the meeting, and it was ran by Beverly.  Okies, he can deal with that.  As the meeting wandered through new business, and the old that needed to be dealt with, Beverly looked up and asked, "Any new business?"  Well crap on a damask tablecloth, Pete had forgotten to put him on the agenda.

"Umm, yeah.... I guess Pete forgot to add me to the agenda."  This was it, the moment that he was dreading.  Telling people, random people what he is, giving them the ability to see Biki for what he is.  The only thing worse than not being seen, is being seen.  Leaping off the cliff, Biki began to speak, and badly at that...sigh.....  Mixing up genders, mixing up the days, the Biki car was completely out of control.  And then to make matters worse, as if that was even possible, he realized just how out of control Biki was, he was doing the feminine.  Fluttering hands, voice climbing ever higher, tears held back only by surface tension, sitting ever smaller.

In the train wreck, the governor came off Biki's tongue and stuff started falling out of his mouth.  Things that Biki didn't intend to share started leaping out of Biki, and into the bright light of the day.  And as he slowly came to a stop, it was to dead silence.  No one knew what to say to him.  Then finally, thankfully someone asked why I didn't want to sponsor anyone younger than 18.  When Biki said, "I don't want to have to monitor them at the dance, to make sure they aren't caging drinks off of someone.  And for sure I'm not going to going to want to keep track of their bed, either if they are in it, or whose in it with them."  That loosened everyone up.  Whew!  Then of course someone HAD to mention the fact that 18 is not old enough to drink, when a voice countered with, "Yeah, of course.  But the deal is Biki wouldn't be legally responsible for any of their actions."

The meeting limped to an end then, and Biki leaped out the door, as if the hounds of IRS was after him.

Two days later at the video store, while chatting with the clerk, who is a real fun girl, some portion of Biki's brain took over, and told the her, "Hi, I'm Gill, and I'm transgender.  I'm a boy living in a girl."  She took it well, and the conversation continued, it was both a fearful thing, and a heady thing for Biki to say out loud.  Straight up, Biki needs to be more wary of his tongue in the future.

Transgender Despair, by Charles Asher

A Real Boy

Finally!

Finally, a Lady Gaga song I like! Cause really, if one can't headbang to a song, is it really music? Ok, I suppose it is, classical music this is a nod for lovely you. But, life is to short not to headbang at every and any moment, yeah??

From The Inside

Walking through my daily life, I know that no matter where I go, what I wear no one will ever mistake me for a guy.  I'm not androgynous enough looking to spark confusion, or even the hateful adjective "it" that is used when some ones sex is completely ambiguous.  


The last few weeks has seen me in an emotional tailspin, depression shadowing my every breath.  Holding back the despair, only works for brief moments at a stretch.  Clicking away with my Hipstamatic app, playing my ds game Phoenix Wright Attorney at Law, and my mind is miles away from my corporal self.  And I enter that blissful state of not having a sex or gender, and am able to enjoy life.  The bliss is short lived and all to shortly I'm slammed back into this confused whirlpool mind.  

I can't go back and live wholly as a female, that door is firmly shut.  However, life as male isn't an option either.  I stand in the hallway of gender, unable to open the door to either gender.  


The only way to describe myself is as two puzzles that have been mingled together, some of the pieces of each lost, and now the only way forward is to somehow make those two disparate pictures combine into one.  But the trick is, how?  How to keep my inner guy happy, living within a female body?  How to live always being perceived as female, seeing the feminine form in the mirror?


I've become overwhelmed with can't.  


There has to be a different way forward, a way to create a wholly new person from these pieces and parts that don't play well together.  


Being overwhelmed with can't,  I've decided to work with what I am.  My list starts at the very bedrock, hopefully as I finish the foundation of me, I'll begin to find ways to erect the framework of who I can be, rather than who I can't be.  


Who I Am.


a good person
kind
a worthwhile person
loving
generous
unique, and that's not always a bad thing
gentle 
funny




Turning down the noise of can't, squelching the all pervading strictures of society, ripping off the layers of past, I know my answer is there, within me.  I just need to listen harder.



Buddha, "Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without."

5 on the Fifth

Stephen started this wonderful idea, to show our world through the lens of a camera.  This month I used my iphone with an app called Hipstamatic, whose tag line is, "Digital Photography Never Looked So Analog".  This month the theme is lines.

lines in the snow

lines of communication

lines of photosynthesis

lines of power

lines of bamboo, dinner!