We need a new bracelet

We have all seen those bracelets with the letters WWJD (what would Jesus do) upon them.  I think its time for a new bracelet.  From what I can see, what Jesus would do is to deny a place at his table for a sizable portion of humanity.  Religion seems to be more exclusionary than inclusiveness, pushing many people out of the reach of God and churches.  Why else would pastors, ministers, and priests rail against so many humans from their sermons each week?  Gays are evil!  Trans people are an abomination!  They are ensnared by the devil's net, and do the devils work, bringing our country to its knees by their evil deeds.

A country who used to pride themselves on a firm and clear division between religion and government has inexplicably become the religious rights submissive slave, being increasingly shackled by the "word of God".  Which version of God are we supposed to believe in, there are many to choose from.  I feel that we are on a balance point, and life could go either way.  The scales could tip and slide us into a fundamentalist  country on par with many of the middle eastern countries, or it could slide us into a more secular form of society.

The last 50 years has seen a slow erosion away from many Americans belonging to, and regularly attending churches.  And I think that's whats behind much of the noise and fury of many religious leaders.  They know their realm of influence is waning, and they are making us believe their are devils behind every door, under every bed, and evil agendas from the downtrodden portion of society.  Fifty years ago, all of this hatred was heaped upon black americans, arguing that if they could vote, attend the same school, drink from the same water fountain, or marry someone out of their race our country would suffer the wrath of God.  After a few federal rulings, blacks were finally granted their long over due civil rights.  And then the hunt was on to find the new evil, and for a while it was women, but its hard to hate women.  Everyone loves a woman at some point in their lives, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, sisters, cousins, girl friends, and as friends.  So, cue the next boogie man, and he is LGBT.

Now I'm a huge history nerd, and have been reading a book about Abraham Lincoln and the possibility that he might have been gay.  I'm almost finished with the book, and yeah I'm convinced he was.  But thats not why I'm bringing him up.  He was a brilliant man thrust into a horrid period of our history, but he was without doubt the right man for that job, anyone else would have messed it up.

I can't help but to make comparisons between Lincoln believing that all Americans should be free and able to enjoy the same civil rights, and his efforts to free the slaves, and our current struggle for civil rights across the whole of LGBT.  At a time when most of our countrymen were of a more religious bent, Lincoln was not.  If you read his speeches he never once invokes Jesus, or rarely God, but talks about man as something stronger, and greater than we know.

While Lincoln was president, many religious leaders would come to him, "that Lincoln might improve himself and  / or his administration in the eyes of God by citing this or that expression of the divine will."  And he stood firm against them by saying, "I hope it will not be irreverent for me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others, on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me."




So, I'm proposing a new bracelet, one that reads WWLD (what would Lincoln do).  We know that Lincoln forced Northern generals to fight against the southern armies, and those that wouldnt fight, were removed from their positions.  Many historians believe that the reason Lincoln was shot was his desire to see blacks have the ability to vote, as he wanted complete and total freedom for all americans.

What we need is our own Lincoln. One who doesnt kowtow to the religious leaders, one who isnt afraid to stand up and point out the travesty of a country who prides itself on freedom for all, creating a second class of citizens through laws and statues.  If you read my post on my second blog, you know the plight of transgender americans.  By not allowing gays and lesbians and some transpeople to marry, what you are doing is codifying bigotry and violence, which kills our most vulnerable members, teens and transwomen of color.  Each suicide, each gay/lesbian/trans bashing that leads to a death can be directly correlated to the laws restricting our freedoms and impeding us from our civil rights.  And since most of these laws flow from religious groups, each death needs to be placed on their bloody bloody door step.

It's time to stop sitting in the back of the bus.  It's way past time for us to stop squabbling with each other and start to fight with one voice, one purpose freedom for all LGBT and hopefully a kinder more gentler nation.

5 on the Fifth

The suggested theme this month was Reflections from Stephens blog.  

The turbulent sky reflected in a small lake near Anchorage.

The sky, yet again reflected in a fountain in Scottsdale.

 The late evening sun bouncing off the trees in our back yard.

A reflection of my greed.  I. So. Want. This. Car!

A reflection of our past.  Mud bogging has to be the best thing ever!  The smell of mud on a hot exaust manifold is.........ahhh.....perfect.  I love the sound of the clumps of mud hitting the windshield, how the truck bucks and jerks, and of the crazy conversations we had.  Man do I miss this truck and the times we had in it.

The long and winding road

Thursday night TH (the husband), and if you are wondering, I do call him that in real life, something that New Leaf got a huge kick out of, asked what we had planned for Friday.  Planned?  Me?  I rarely, if ever intentionally plan anything, as I enjoy just taking each day as it comes.  But I married a type A, Class 1, Gold Star plated planner.  At times, I actually think he would be happiest if everyday for the rest of his hopefully long long life was planned out, and marked down in some giant tome.

It turned out that TH had the itch to go....someplace.  He wanted to go to Tok, its a nice long drive, read about 5 hours or more one way.  Never having been to Tok before, I wanted to wait until summer, more daylight ya know?  After kicking places around for a while, we decided to head up the Steese, to at the very least Central.   Friday we were up and out of the house before daylight, now before any of you get all excited that vampire me, was up at a ridiculous time, we left the house at 9 am.  The sun came up, well UP is a relative term in the winter, as the sun has a low horizon in the winter.  So, as we wove between mountains we were alternately bathed in sunlight, and then around the next corner doused in twilight.

I had packed sandwiches and drinks into our cooler, added a roll of t.p. and headed out.  We ended up at Circle City.

And while I know its hard to believe, while in the one store in Circle, asking to use their restroom, found out that the owners and TH had friends in common!  Yeah, thats what's it like traveling around with TH.  The kids and I all swear that if he has enough time when he meets a fellow Alaskan, he will somehow have some connection with them, especially with long time Alaskans, sourdoughs if you will.  The bathroom turned out to be in the "washateria" across the street, which is very common in small Alaskan communities.  It had 3 washers, 4 driers, and two bathrooms complete with showers with coin operated hot water.  Many Alaskans live without running water, and depend upon washateria's for clean water both for bathing and for hauling home for cooking and drinking.

For whatever reason, I love caribou, and yeah they are mightily fine eating as well.  My eyes were peeled hoping to see some along the way, and luck was with us, as we most likely saw close to 100!  

It was nice chatting along, enjoying the rare sunlight, the companionship, and doing some decision making about what we have planned for the coming year, I told you he loves to have life planned out!

We talked about his fears about me attending the conference in Boston, he was sure I would come home ready to begin the transition process as soon as Son  #3's wedding is over.  My ability to keep my girl suit, he has grave doubts and doesn't trust me to keep my promise, his lack of confidence in me has thrown me into a spiral of depression again.  Leaving me once again to find my way back out of this dark place.  But, I've done it before, and I'll do it again.  When I asked a good friend a while back, how he manages to stay mortal, he answered, "Sheer bloody mindedness".  I liked his answer and have stolen that idea from him, it's just one more twisting turn on my long and winding road.  

Snapshots on the last day

A common theme throughout the workshops was to find your own narrative. Finding yourself in the louder noise of society. It doesn't matter what others see, only who we know ourselves to be. By not allowing others to label us, often with hurtful language, empowers us. I think this is true for everyone.

As I calmed down, and left the fearful, and shy zone, I noticed that almost everyone attending had the saddest eyes. Years of not being able to be "seen" for who they are, being afraid of others reactions, has left it's mark. Even though I was still hampered by bouts of shyness, I made sure to look my fellow trans in the eyes, and smile, to validate their existence and worth as humans. I began to get loads of smiles back.

Everyone there is worried about "passing". And yes, some do it much more successfully than others. But even the most successful of these worried nonstop about not looking right, not sounding right, moving in a way that doesn't break the illusion they are weaving. The transwomen worry about not being feminine enough, and the transmen worry about not being stereotypically masculine.

Among both groups there seems to be a hierarchy, yes even among us trans, there seems to be a need to pick on each other, sad isn't it? The transmen seem to garner disapproval by other transmen by not being hyper masculine by coming across as a "femme" gay guy. I talked with one guy about it. He said he didn't care if he got hate by other transmen, he wasn't going to change how he acted to please others. I really enjoyed talking with him, we really hit it off.

While the vast majority of transwomen were in their 40's, most of the transmen were young! The youngest that I met was 16. The under 18 crowd had to be chaperoned. Needless to say these young teens were overwhelmed and out of their element. So, why are there young transmen, but not transwomen? I don't know, this has really made me curious.

I got a few dismissive looks from some of the late 20's transmen, which were extremely hurtful. It's funny, I felt completely comfortable with the transwomen, but my own gender made me feel uncertain and tongue tied. Made me feel unworthy and as if I shouldn't even have been there.

After each nights dinner banquet there was dancing in the lounge. I was standing watching people dance when a woman came up and started flirting with me!!! Last night one woman wouldn't take no for an answer! She kept touching me, stroking my arm, leaning on me, sigh. As I made my escape from her, I was asked if I was dancing. I didn't understand at first, but finally realized she was asking me TO dance. Yes, yes I know, a total face palm moment for me. We did finally dance, and spent hours talking, she is a very cool person.

This morning I had the pleasure of having Jamison Green sitting down next to me at brunch. He is handsome, sexy, and one of the smartest person I've met in a long time. If you ever get a chance to hear him speak, go you won't be disappointed.

Ok, so now the hard question, did this change my mind about transitioning? No, and yes. No, because the reason can't, or more correctly won't transition hasn't changed. Yes, because I saw ftm's that while short, could totally pass and they looked good! I was rather jealous seeing the teen trans guys. If I was a teen now, that could be me getting ready to starting testosterone, and being able to live as a visible male.

Sent from my iPad

Second day

What to say about yesterday? The entire day was filled with running from workshop to workshop, and I missed one I was looking forward to. I met a therapist who was talking to me about if I should come out to the children or not, due to my desire to live a life in the middle, androgyny "r" I.

What I learned from from her is that transgender people are helped by therapists who specialize in PTSD. Which I found rather odd, until she explained it. Growing up never able to trust your instincts, always feeling off kilter from others, causes built up stress, starting from the time we are very young.

I found that the age I began to know me as a boy, around 5, is the most common age of awakening.

WHOOT!

FTW!

For the first time in my life I've done something in the normal column of life. Let me tell you, that felt mega cool to be one of the herd.

Everyone running the conference, the workshops, and the people I have met and chatted with have without fail been wonderful.

And yesterday at a workshop I was lucky enough to meet Jamison Green! His book literally changed my life. I told him so, and thanked him. So that was a totally a Wayne's World moment for me.

Today all the F2M workshops are being held. With a luncheon by none other than Jamison Green. So this should be an interesting day to say the least.

Unless something occurs between this year and next, I will be back!

The first day

Wow! What a day! Last night when I arrived in Boston, I was trashed, tired, and only wanted 3 things.
1. A shower
2. Dinner
3. SLEEP

And that's just what I did. This morning I headed to the restaurant, ate a nice breakfast, drew in a big breath, and went in search of the conference.

Today was a slow day, but it was a good way for me to ease onto this. Today was mostly vendors setting up, a movie marathon, that I wasn't to interested in, and the Decades Dance and dinner.

I'll tell you the truth, I was mega freaked about attending the dinner and dance. I jumped onto chat, and Jay was on. We chatted while I was getting ready. He gave me the confidence to head on down. I bought black nail polish, it's very odd to wear polish again. I was supposed to wear guy liner, but the pencil had dried up and it didn't work, sigh. What I found cool, was that many people thought my tat sleeves were real! If only!!!

These two sweet and wonderful women took pity on me when they found out I was new and nervous, and sat with me. One of their friends "Jane" sat down with us as well.

They started the dance and "Jane" asked me if I knew how to jitterbug. Nope, I sure didn't. But was open to giving it a try. Turns out it was a money dance! And we won! Then we danced again....and won again! A different couple won the third dance, they were good! "Jane" and I were the grand prize winners! Together total we split $125.00!

The food was great, the music fun, and the company was even better.

Tomorrow the workshops begin, and I can't wait. I'm so very happy I took the chance and came.

Best. Decision. Ever!

On my way!

Today the fact that I'm actually going to this conference, alone, finally sunk into my thick brain. Which sparked a mercifully short panic attack. Why did I panic at this late stage? This is kinda a big deal for me, adding in the fact that TH (the husband) won't be with me.

So, I decided to just man up and deal.

I have freak fever, is it the end of the world?

Chris Crocker - Freak of Nature OFFICIAL (uncensored) MUSIC VIDEO!! from chris crocker on Vimeo.

Ok, I'll admit it, this is the ONLY dance music that I have ever bought. And is it just me, or is Chris hot as both genders? Wow....If I'm listening to dance music, whats next? Country? Shudder, I don't even want to think about that.

I do have one other dance song on my itunes, yes I have only two. The other one is by a Korean guy, G Dragon. Wanna see?



Ok, let the teasing begin!

Decision Made!

Ok, so the whole what I should wear to the dance was wearing me out!  Finally, I just decided to have fun with it all, and dress how I want to.  So, even though the decades for the dance officially end at '80s, always being someone who enjoys pushing things a bit, am going as a heavy metal rocker.  And my look is rather more '90s than 80's but hey what are they going to do, toss me out?

So, here is bits and pieces of my look for the dance.

My shirt!

My tattoo sleeves.  

My earrings, second, or upper piercing, yes on my ears!

Lower piercing earrings, and yeah still on the ears.

So, add jeans and my trusty skull trainers, my new avatar, and thats my rocker outfit.  

Let's Get This Party Started!

Today is my birthday!  Not the day of my birth, but the day of my awakening.  What a year this has been.  I have been re-reading my blog from the time when I began to wake up, coming out of my personal coma, and into the light.  Needless to say, it hasn't been an easy year, but one that I wouldn't trade away, period.  I have seen the deepest despair, and the giddy heights of pure and unadulterated joy.

Despair, knowing there isn't any way to maintain anything close to my current life if I transition.  Stratosphere heights came from finally at long last knowing who I am, and how with this last piece of the puzzle of me, everything finally fits, makes sense.  Joy and despair all rolled into one convenient package.  Yeah, that about sums it up.

Last year at this time, with the voyage barely began, I was convinced that I was androgynous.  I know now that not to be true.  I'm a transsexual.  And an anomaly according to my ex-therapist.  According to her, she hasn't ever had a person realize they are transsexual, know they would be happier living within a proper gender conforming body, and then choosing not to.

At first my decision not to transition was based solely on keeping TH (the husband).  We have been married since the dawn of time, 32 years.  And like all long married couples we really no longer have a clearly delineated where "I" ends and "you" begins.  As this year flowed by TH's views on my physical body shifted as he began to slowly understand what this was in reality doing to me, and as his comfort level grew with the whole idea that, yes I'm a guy.

One fine day, we were out shopping and he said to me, "You don't move like a girl anymore.  Not that you were ever very girly, but now….you take up more real estate, you walk bigger, sit bigger."

I let this simmer for a bit, then worked up my nerve to ask fearing the worst, "Does it bother  you?"

"Sometimes."

While the statement was painful to my fledging heart and identity, at least he was truthful.

At first when I made the decision not to transition, the grief about killed me, and I began a death spiral down, cumulating into a 24 hour period that almost saw me leaving all of the pain and grief behind me for good.  If it hadn't been for two really good friends talking to me for hours, I honestly doubt there would be this post, yeah it was honestly that hairs breath close.  Why wasn't TH the one to hold me together?  He was out of the state, visiting his best friend.  He realized when he called me how bad I was, but he was out of reach. His first instinct was to call one of our sons, and I'm rather glad he didn't, as I'm sure I would have spilled the truth to them.  Something I'm honestly frozen with fear of them knowing.

Late this summer, TH gathered me into his lap and arms and told me very seriously that he wanted me to transition, I needed to live for me, not him.  While the selflessness of his offer was breathtaking, the reality of it is just to stark.  Living without my best friend, the one person on earth who loves me for me, is an alien planet I don't want to discover.

Last week I was answering an email, giving the person my physical address as I had won a book by him.  I go by a diminutive of my name, ending in an "ie". Now without the later part of my name, tis a guys name. I rattled off my name and addy and then paused……and backed up and changed Bobbie to Bob*.  I sat and rolled Bob around my mind for a while, and then hit send.

Today I was going to celebrate my b-day with going shopping for an outfit for the "Decades Dance" for the trans conference.  I couldn't manage to get myself out of the house.  One problem its very hard in this smallish town we live in to not run into someone we know.  Yes, I'm very deeply in the closet, and fear the daylight.

And so the year ends rather as it had began, with me trying to live an androgynous life.  Trying to walk the line between nothing overtly feminine and not looking "butch".  I'm not really sure why, but the idea of coming across as a butchy lesbian bothers me to no end.  Yeah, yeah I know weird, but whatever.

This is going to sound odd, but I feel as though I'm on the cusp of …….. something.  I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling, but ya know the feeling you get when you first wake up and your dream is so vivid, but as the seconds tick past, it fades quickly, no matter how hard you grasp to keep it?  Yeah, that's how I'm feeling lately.  There is something tickling the back of my brain, but I just yet grasp it.  It will come to me, of that I'm sure.

Ok, and now a question for all of you.  It was brought to my attention that the name I've chosen to write under, Biki and my avatar is a sorta feminine.  What do you think, should I change them?  And if you have been wondering how I pronounce Biki, tis said bee-key.

Love ya all!

*my name is NOT Bobbie

Yippee!!

Ok, life is pretty damned perfect!  TH (the husband) watched "Taboo" on Nat Geo, the topic was "The Third Sex".  The trans people on the show were m2f's, but seeing their faces when they talked about being trapped inside the wrong body, explained more to him in the length of the show than I have managed to explain to him over the course of nearly a year.  When he saw the relief in one woman's face after having completed her surgery, now at long last her body conformed to her gender, he finally understood what its like for me.  I really believe that was the turning point for him, his pivot to really and honestly getting it.

Since that show, our lives have changed dramatically.  He is much more open with me now, and I no longer feel so tongue tied around him.  So, I'm opening up more to him, and he is at long last willing and able to listen to me.  This is such a relief you cant even imagine, part of my depression has been the gulf between us, that I didn't know how to bridge.  While we don't have the same taste in many things, we do mesh well together in life.  Having that large and silent wasteland between us, that I didn't know how to fix or if it could even be fixed, was cutting me off from my best friend, my confidant, my love.

We talked long into the night several days in a row.  But what really meant the most to me, is when he told me he would love me forever, no matter what body I'm in.  And that if I changed my mind, and transitioned, he would move stateside with me.  He didn't promise anything more than trying.  And yeah, I'm ok with him possibly not being able to deal with me in a man's body, I know that there is no way I could deal with him a girls body.

I have the ticket, the room reserved, and have paid for my place at the conference.  So, everything is all set for me to go.  I have looked at the workshop chart and there are a few places where I'm truly divided about what to attend.  If you are curious about the conference here is their link.

So, for all of you bloggers out there I would need to ask you for help.  They are holding a dance, and at first I wasn't going to dress up for it, but have since changed my mind.  So, here's the question.  Its being called a Decade Dance, and I'm supposed to dress up as my favorite decade.  Now, first off the idea that someone could/ would even have a favorite decade rather surprised me to no end.  I mean come on, really?  A favorite decade?  Anyway, I need clothing help.  I have no idea what to wear at all.  Remember that I need male clothing, yeah?  And please, no suggestions of disco clothing.  Cause I really don't like my clothes to shout HERE I AM LOOK AT ME!  Any suggestions?

What ever doesn't kill you

This has been a week of extremes, ya know the sort that leave you stumbling for stable footing, and leaves you feeling rather unraveled.  I didn't know it was possible to feel the emotions of happy, depressed, surprised, heart broken, and faintly optimistic more or less with in the small space of a week.

While on the computer early in the week googling around the web, I happened across a transgender conference that was being held in Boston in the later part of January, and started to read. Usually, most of these are geared more towards the m2f's, and little if any of the workshops are aimed at f2m's.  But oh buddy, not this one!  There is loads of interesting things for the f2ms!  What I really liked about this conference is that they have two full days of "partners in progress" for partners of trans folk, no matter which way your partner is going.  I thought, "excellent!  TH (the husband) could attend with me, and get to at least listen to others who are more or less in the same boat as he is.  Faintly optimistic

I thought about it overnight, and then showed him the website, opened to the part of the brochure that dealt with him, and he read it, got very quiet and then answered, "no, I cant do that.  I cant go to that."  And then in the next breath, he urged me to attend.  We talked about it a bit, and then he left for work.  Two days later, still trying to decide if i should go, I mean for cripes sake its in Boston!  he asked me if I had purchased my ticket yet!!!  After being asked again the next day if I had my ticket yet, I decided that he really was serious about me going, and that he isn't ready yet to attend.  Tonight i bought my ticket, and paid the conference attendance fees.  Tomorrow, the hotel will be reserved.  So, off I go to Boston!  Happy

Last night after we watched the movie "Despicable Me" part of my christmas gifts Th had given me, I went upstairs to read, and TH stayed downstairs watching tv. He had to stay up until 7am before he could go to bed, he works nights.  I was tired out and was hoping to be able to sleep after a very long week of not sleeping well, I'll get to the reason for that later on.  But, alas sleep was elusive, and being thirsty I went down to get a drink. Turns out, that TH had watched a Nat Geo show called Taboo, and this episode was about transgender people.  Now, even though we have been working on this almost a year, I never really knew how much of what I was going thru that he understood.  But, there was a m2f on there, and seeing her talk about it, seeing what she went thru to match her inner gender to her outward sex, and hearing her talk about how free she felt now, and finally at peace with herself, he at long last, finally got it.  He understands so much better than he ever has!   FTW!

If you read my last post, you know that things aren't happy families with eldest son and his wife.  We didn't know if they were even going to come for christmas dinner or not.  The way our holidays work, is that I make the meat, the yeast rolls, and maybe one more thing, and everyone pitches in to fill in the menu.  Being so upset, I forgot to ask for desserts.....so this is the first christmas dinner ever within my memory that we didn't have some sort of sweet to end our meal with.  Auntie came, and she was very sweet to me, and was trying to boost my spirits.  I've had a solid rock in my stomach this past week, with the worry about what was going to happen on Christmas.  Would they even come?  Would they come and a huge assed stink happen?  Or even worse would people be forced to chose sides?!  All of these things have happened before with Dil (daughter in law) at different gatherings, but mostly at Thanksgiving and Christmas....sigh.  depressed

Seven o'clock came and....son #4 and his gf and wee doggie.  Things seemed ok with them, they seemed happy to be here.  A bit after 7, and son #3 and his wife to be, and their new puppy came in.  They were fine as well, whew!  Now wife to be and Dil don't get on,  Dil treats her terribly!  Wont speak to her, ignores her, or says very not nice things to her.  Wife to be's crime? Who knows, its all part of Dil's craziness.  And time passed, and then the doorbell rang....heart in my throat I ran to the door.  I felt if the doorbell was being rang, it wasn't good news, because we never lock our door on holidays, and the boys all know to just come in.  Whew!  It was because Son #2 had his hands to full to open the door!  His wife comes in......followed by eldest son, baby and Dil. faintly optimistic

I tried to smooth things over, I gave Dil a welcoming hug, no dice, she didn't return it, wouldn't look at me, sigh.  We ate, but she didn't even sit down.  She actually left to go and fetch a soda at the local convenience store.  Ok...yeah...  While she was gone eldest son started to interact with us, but as soon as she came back, he shut right down again.  Ok, I asked wife to be to be our christmas elf and hand out gifts.  TH and I didn't get a single acknowledgement for our gift for either her or the grand.  Now, I luckily didn't see it, but Auntie and TH both saw her rip the paper off her gift and throw it at eldest son.  What did we get her?  A gift certificate to her favorite clothing store.....I wonder if she just threw it away when she got home.  depressed

TH's and I worry now that Dil has broken our family.  Son 4 and gf both told me this will blow over, but after seeing her actions we're not giving their views much credence.  We are hoping that this will be patched up, but at this point, we are not holding out much hope.  Son 3 is getting married this summer, and there will be a round of showers and parties and of course the wedding itself, and these gatherings will be ripe to cause more friction and dissension within our family.  Last year, Dil had a baby shower and didn't invite wife to be, and gf, and gf has been with our family now around 6 years.....  They couldn't attend she said, cause they aren't married and don't understand anything about babies.  However Auntie was invited and she is unmarried and childless, its just more of Dil's way of throwing bombs into our garden hoping to blow it to smithereens.  pessimistic 

Bloggers!

So, I was in Arizona for two weeks accompanying eldest son, Dil (daughter in law) and the grand.  We were there for medical treatment for Dil, as our doctors in Alaska for anything out of the slightest realm of normal are nearly worthless.  Now, I've had a rocky relationship with her to be sure, and a great amount of that rockiness is caused by her crazy as fuck family.

I've never come across a family dynamic like Dil has.  She only has sisters, and they fight all the time, and gang up on each other.  Yeah.  And to add a moist turkey to boiling oil, her mother choses sides, pits one daughter against the others, and keeps the battles going as long as possible.  Lovely, huh?

Well, things went bad rather quickly between Dil and myself, and my son was caught in the middle of the whole thing.  He could have made things better, had he tried, but he isn't good with confrontation any more than I am.

But into this maelstrom of unhappiness were two wonderful guys.

New Leaf and I have been email buddies for quite a long while, and when I knew that I was Arizona bound, I wrote and asked if he would like to meet for a drink.  In my world of easily getting lost, that meant that either Eldest son dropped me off or NL (new leaf) came to pick me up, which is what he did.  I suppose it would have been a bit smarter to have sent a pic so we knew what each other looked like, but hey! That would make life to easy and way boring, yeah?  So, there we were wandering around the parking lot of the condo.  Luckily there was only one other person, and he headed for a condo, so that was easy, but being me I had to ask.
"NL?"
"Biki?"
Yeah, we are both that smooth.  Aren't you jealous now?

Have you ever met someone that you had an instant rapport with?  Thats what it was like with NL.  We met for the first time on Saturday, and sat and talked and talked.  We managed to meet up three times while i was there.  And he did really went out of his way to take me to the airport when I left early, due to my being unable to deal with Dil and her craziness any longer.

NL asked me what pronouns I'm happiest with, and that is what he used making me happier than you can believe.  The only funny thing was that even though he did acknowledge my maleness with the proper pronouns, he still kept holding the door of restaurants open for me.  His mom raised a very polite son.

If you ever want to scout around a deserted Walmart at 3am, NL is your guy!  Without a doubt he is fun to hang out with.  The hours would just evaporate in the blink of an eye when we were together talking about absolutely every thing under the sun.  He really is a very wonderful person, someone that I hope to call a friend for many years.

The weekend that fell in the middle of our trip I flew to spend 24 hours with Mr. Hci and his husband.  Now we had shared pictures of each other ages ago, so I knew what he looked like....but not his car!  But some texting and a really fun sign in the front window of his car cleared things right up!

It was super to sit and talk and talk and not be interrupted by silly stuff like internet issues, chat programs being silly, or a huge time zone difference.  It was nice to finally met his husband, who is just as sweet as  Mr. Hci is.

There was one really funny point soon after I arrived, I'm not sure if Mr. Hci forgot to mention to hubby that I'm transgender or if hubby forgot.  But when a male pronoun was used in reference to me, it received a "huh?"  Only to have it repeated to him again a bit more forcefully, and no, not by me but by Mr. Hci.

I ran around out in the yard helping work on the built in sprinkler system the next afternoon, and yeah I throughly enjoyed doing that!  I mean really, whats not to like?  With good friends, outside, beautiful afternoon, and running from sprinkler head to sprinkler head, hollering questions and orders to each other.  Life is good.

Finally meeting two bloggers that I've been either chatting or emailing for over a year now was perfectly wonderful.  Being with two people who knew the real me, that I could just be me with was like a drink to a man dying of thirst.  There isn't anyone in my "real life" that I can be that open with about being transgender.  I'm out to a few people, but one lives in Utah, and the other one lives in Kenai, so its not like I see them that often, and they are rather new at this whole GLBT world.

Life is good on blogger, and I hope this year to visit with a few more blogger friends.

The FAIR Education Act

I received this email from Equality California a few days ago, that I quickly read, and didn't really think to much about it.  But then a few hours later, I found myself reopening my mail and re-reading it again.  This occurred several times over the course of the next few days.  Finally it dawned on me that what kept bringing me back to this mail was that what a good idea this is, and yet a sense of sadness that we have to resort to the making of laws to be treated equally.  But if we have to legislate ourselves into being equal, so be it.


LGBT youth deserve to thrive in school and in life.
But to thrive, they need to feel safe and confident. They need to see and be inspired by LGBT role models who are changing the world for the better. They need to feel like they belong. Too many of our youth are struggling with harassment, feelings of worthlessness and even suicidal thoughts. We have to make our schools safer and more positive environments for LGBT youth.
It’s time for us to come out of the education closet. Ask your legislators to support the FAIR Education Act, SB 48, authored by Senator Mark Leno.
Existing laws require classes in the social sciences -- including history, sociology, anthropology and similar subjects -- to teach students about the contributions of men and women, racial and ethnic minorities and other groups. The FAIR Education Act, sponsored by Equality California and the GSA Network, would require these same classes to teach students about the contributions of LGBT people.
This important Act would also prevent the use of teaching materials that have negative images of people for being LGBT. Current laws already protect other groups in this way.
This bill can give LGBT youth hope, both for their future and for their lives today. All students will learn about how LGBT people have helped shape history, helping them to better understand their LGBT classmates.
Share your own story with your legislators about how this law would have helped create a safer, more welcoming environment when you were in school. They need to hear about the difference it will make.
Equality California will also be sponsoring a major anti-bullying bill -- authored by Assemblymember Tom Ammiano -- that is designed to significantly strengthen and expand California’s existing anti-bullying laws.
Together, we can and will create an environment across California where all youth -- including LGBT youth -- can achieve their best and know that they belong.
In solidarity,

Geoff KorsExecutive Director
Equality California
P.S. If you are already registered for Equality California's Action Center, simply reply to this email and your message will be sent automatically to your legislators.

At this point in time, I'm trying to think who in our Alaska government to contact to see about getting a similar law here.  This is one law that I would like to see copied all across our country.  I'm sick and tired of living in a country that is held hostage by the views of religion.

Butterflies and Beer

All day yesterday I worried and stewed, and was unable to concentrate.  I worked on my parka a bit, and after making three stupid mistakes which involved a turn with the seam ripper, I called it quits and left to go do something else.  I tried reading, and realized that words weren't sinking in any further than my eyes.  Sigh.  Oh!  Its Sunday!  I turned on football, and managed to sit and watch that and did a few rows on my pattern knitting.  Which was just complicated enough to hold my attention, but not to the point where I would screw it up.  But really wasn't enjoying the knitting, and laid that down as well.  In the end I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen, while watching the game, and then packed TH's (the husband) lunch.


Now, I have a tendency to get lost, and TH knows this, so Saturday night we went looking for Pete's house.  The road was easy to find, but the house was a whole different story.  The house number turned out not to be on the house but on the oddly placed mailbox, making it hard to see from the street.  I'm glad TH took me to find the place because as upset as I was, I'm not sure that in the stress of looking for the house, and being stressed about the meeting that I wouldn't have just turned around and headed home.


I get in the car confident on knowing how to get there, but anything but confident that it would all be ok once I was there.  As I drive, my nervousness expands to fill the car, in desperation I turn on some music and crank it up.  That did help to pull my mind off the hamster wheel it had been spinning on all day.  Sigh...thats a bit better.  The one thing that I didn't want to have happen was to show up with tear tracks on my face, and yeah I was in that level of melt down.  One little dust mote landing wrongly would have pushed me over the edge into tear town, something I really really didn't want to do.

Pulling up to the house, I see someone else pull up, and for some reason, I'm scared!  so I keep driving.... I go only a bit further down the road, and turn around.  I turn the car around, park, big breath in...... and get out and lock it.  I walk up to the door, and pause a moment, yet another big breath, and ring the bell.  The person who had walked in right ahead of me, opened the door, and welcomed me.

Her name is Cara, and she was very sweet, and introduced me to BEVERLY!  OMG!  She came, she came, she came, she came!  At that very exact moment, is when I finally began to relax and decide that this will be ok after all.  Pete is very sweet and kind guy, oh and really really tall, his silver hair contrasted with a youngish face, and a gorgeous silver goatee.  Cara is older also and a bit taller than me, with salt and pepper hair and a soft feeling to her personality.  Beverly is also tall and very thin, with the coolest piercings, ears, she has a conk piercing in both ears, in her tongue and around her ear lobes.  Kelly came in right after me, and she is young and very cute, and very friendly.  Nicole came in rather late and really wasn't very.....friendly,  she only talked to Pete, am reserving final decision about her until the next meeting.

Pete had made supper so we ate and chatted, and I calmed down even more.  There was some general talk about one thing and another, then the meeting bit of the program, which was interesting, then more chatty.  And almost shockingly soon, the meeting began to break up!  Oh!  Cara and Beverly walked up and asked me if I would like to go for a drink.  Yes, yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!  

I got to know Cara a bit better, turns out she's not a football fan, but Beverly is.  We chatted a bit about this and that, and then it was time for Cara to go home.  I'm not sure why her wife didn't or doesn't come to the meeting, but it was nice to get to know Cara.  After she left, Beverly started talking about being trans.

Overly wordy me has absolutely no words to describe how it felt to sit there, in real life, and talk to someone about being trans.  I no longer feel like such a total freak-a-zoid.  Beverly is M2F, and has been living as her true self for 5 years.  We exchanged phone numbers and email addys.  

This is the happiest I've been in.....................................well I can't remember when the last time I was this happy!  The tears are no longer on the surface, threatening to burst out of me.  My shoulders are relaxed, and the nonstop clench in my jaw is gone as well.  I feel totally at peace with myself.  The next meeting is in January, and you can bet I'll be there!

Faltering steps

My social life consists entirely of my family, our sons and their wives, to be wives, and girl friend.  The few friends I did have before moving, have all drifted away, leaving me without a single friend.  TH (the husband) says I'm looking in the wrong place for friends.  He told me to stop looking for women to be my friends, and to be friends with guys.  Ok, that makes sense, as I've always gotten along better with guys.  But if the men are married, their wives don't understand wanting to hang around a female bodied person with out sex occurring.  And two, where would I meet new guys, because if a "woman" is friendly and open with a guy, they assume, wrongly, that I'm looking for sex.

So, as you know, November 20th is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I was curious if our local PFLAG group was holding a memorial.  And I wrote this email to them.

Hello,


I was wondering if there was going to be a local Transgender Day of Remembrance in Fairbanks?  I would like to attend if you are having one, as I'm transgender myself.


thanks
Biki

Receiving this mail in response:

Hi Biki,
At this time, PFLAG Fairbanks has not organized a day of remembrance event. Last year there were a few transgender members who met a few times, but the person heading that up has not been to a PFLAG meeting for a while. 


Pete

Then, drawing my courage around me, I wrote Pete again:
Hello Pete,
  
Do you think that any of the transgender members would be willing to meet again?  I'm newly out, and horribly shy, but could really do with a 'community'.  Maybe not an official sorta of meeting, but a meet someplace and chat sorta thing?  I feel rather alone, and would love to be with people who actually understand me.
Biki

And then this arrived in my inbox:
We can probably make that happen. Let me get in touch with Beverly and see what her schedule is.
-pete

Five days ago this landed in my inbox:
Hi Biki,
Beverly said she would be available to help with establishing a circle or support network. She works morning shifts, which cuts down on her availability. I'm hoping she can make the PFLAG meeting next Sunday at 4pm here at the house. We don't have much business going on, so it will be somewhat informal. 
-pete

It was at this point, I screwed my courage up, and told TH about going to attend a meeting with them this Sunday.  Dead silence.  Finally he asked me, "Do you expect me to attend THAT?"  Letting me know what he thought about it.  Then yesterday he asked me, "What are you hoping to get out of this meeting?  What if they are like everyone else, and they tell you to transition too?"  Ok, so now the truth comes out as to why he's rather against it.  And yes it made sense to me why he would be afraid.  He doesn't want to lose me, and to him my transitioning would be losing me.  I explained to him that I want, no I need friends, and if any of the trans members become friends how wonderful it would be to have someone really and truly understand me.  After he thought about it for awhile, he agreed, that I would be happier if I had a circle of friends.

Now what you might not know about me, is I'm horribly shy, especially when I go someplace alone, that alone will be a huge step for me.  Then if you add the fact that this will be the first time that I'll be "out" to random people, it has just grown even bigger.  

I'm worried that they won't like me.  I'm worried that my shyness will make me look unfriendly.  Also, our city is rather small, and part of me is worried that word will get back to the kids...... I'm just plain worried, about well everything.  But I can't live like this any longer, so Sunday will find me knocking on the door.  Wish me luck!

cornered

In my last post, I spoke about the suicide of Brandon Bitner.  After reading the story at Queerty, I did an internet search on the news, because they can kinda play fast and loose with the facts at times.  However, this time they were completely correct,  FTW!   Any way..... TH (the husband) happened to call right around the time I was crying at the waste of yet one more precious human life.  Needless to say, I was very upset, and didn't really carefully monitor my words.  After hanging up from him, I realized that about half way through the conversation a chill point had occurred.

Last night TH told me what had upset him on the phone.  It was the use of the word "us" in talking about bigots and GLBT haters.  Us?  How is that such a hard word for him to swallow?  He said it puts "space" between us.  Moves me further away from him.  He has also gotten into the habit of using feminine pronouns with me again, especially in front of others.  But to be fair to TH, a few bloggers of late have referred to me as "she".  So, is it just habit with him?  Or is it him wanting me to fit into my old space in our lives?  Back when our lives ran on greased rails, and we were so tight a ray of light couldn't fit between us.  Before TH and I starting drifting apart.  Some of that drift is due to my unending depression.  It's much better than it was this summer, but I'm still not back to anything that could be termed normal behavior for me.

So, I'm out and about doing errands and whatnot, or in some sorta social situation, where I'm expected to agree with someone when they refer to me in the feminine.  I do try to avoid it, but for some reason often they back me into the corner, until I have no choice but to agree with them.  Which feels like a knife to the gut.

This summer, I was filling out my fishing license to go silver salmon fishing.  And ya know how it is when you are filling out stuff that really doesn't take any brain power at all do accomplish, your brain idles down, and its just kinda on rote.  Name, address, height, weight, age, sex.  Now I went through the list, chatting with TH about nothing of import, and just barely caught myself at the last moment.  What did I almost do, without thinking about it?  I almost marked the box for male.  My pen came to a wavering halt, and for the longest (at least it seemed that way) time I was confused as to what box to check.  Finally I remembered and X'd the box for female.  


I thought i was doing ok, but TH told me last night, that I'm not doing very well.  I feel as though I'm stuck.  I think I might be ok with this girl body, if I could express my maleness with the proper  pronouns.  But to be honest, I'm not really sure about that either.  So, I'm just plain stuck, like a fly in tree sap.  There is no going forward, no going back.  Not sure how much of TH's vision is correct, as he can be a negative nelly most of the time.  I really honestly don't know what to do.  Is it that I'm denying who I am, to please others?  Is that why I don't transition?  Is this yet again a manifestation of my abusive childhood?  Where I was taught so very well, that I had no worth, no voice, and was unwanted by everyone?   Fuck, I wish I knew the answers to all of my questions. 

Sticks, stones, words and yet another teen suicide

Brandon Bitner dead at the age of 14.  Trying to find release from the constant bullying at school, committed suicide by throwing himself in front of a tractor trailer.  He walked 13 miles to end his pain.  I can't imagine his last walk, and the thoughts that were swirling through his head knowing what he was planning to do.

The school had an anti-bullying assembly that week, how nice of them.  The school ass-hats claimed after Brandon's death that the school didn't have any history of bullying issues.  Oh, really?  Gee-whiz school officials, that's not what your current students and your past students say.   Click here for the full story.

The asshats that "run" the school, kids that attend, quality or lack thereof of parenting, I'm sure with little effort, a giant list of reasons why kids bully could be compiled.  But, in the face of it, reasons why kids are bullied isn't really germane to the conversation.  What is germane is why we are so blase about bullying, we say kid's will be kids, etc.  Well until a child commits suicide or is bullied to death, then suddenly we CARE.

Our eldest son, for reasons we never did quite figure out, was bullied, would you like to know who first started in on him?  I'll give you one guess........his teacher.  Yes, he was a scapegoat no matter what he did, and the kids all picked it up, and of course ran like deer with it.  And because the teacher had started it, of course she didn't attempt to stop the students from picking on our son.  It got to the point where he was afraid to ask to use the restroom.  Why?  The teacher would make fun of him, in front of the class for needing to use the restroom.   Yes, we did go to the principle and complained about the teacher.  We went to the school board to complain about the principle.  And the only thing that came of our complaining was that the teacher ramped up the bullying, with the students following tightly in lock step.  At one point we were told it was good for him, would toughen him up.....

I was chatting with Malcolm today about how little children are valued in our society.  Something that hasn't changed since, well forever.  Why children aren't seen as the treasure they are, has pestered me for years.  One reason I think boils down as to how we view children as a whole.  We see them as "owned" by their parents, rather than people in their own right.  They have no rights, at all.  In fact most of our civil rights come to a halt at the school doors for children, lovely huh?  If GLBT are second class citizens, what does that make our children, classless?

The only way I can see to end this morass of administrations turning a blind eye to bullying, is to hit them where it counts.  No, not there, but hey as a parting gift, I'm game!  In the wallet.  If a student loses the will to live, due to bullying, and takes their own life, I say fire the entire administration of the school. All of them.  From the secretary, through the councilors, and only stopping after the principles are gone as well.  As for the teachers?  If they saw it, started it, let it go, then we no longer need them in the halls and rooms of our schools.  As a nation we need to make this a priority when we are electing school board members and hiring school employees.  Often we blow off the local elections and only really pay attention to the state and federal elections.  This is the reason we have people on the school boards for 20 years.  Yes, I'm sure that there are a few long term members out there who do a great job.  But, how many are on these boards to grind an ax, push through an agenda, and care really very little about the students as people and not as mere numbers, or see them as wee little $ signs?

We need to get mad, we need to stay mad, and we need to slap down groups like Focus on the Family.  Who are currently fighting, yes I said fighting against the "Safe Schools Act"  watch  and read.  It's time to take our schools away from the incompetent, the lazy and the bigoted.

Words

How many times are we asked to describe ourselves, on job applications, college forms, etc?  And why is it always so hard to do? Why do we struggle so to put words to something as highly personal as our very own self?  Ok, how about we try it now, yeah?

Ready?!  Alright, let's go!

Use only one word to describe you.

 Let me guess, you picked some version of male. Isn't that interesting that we are so tied to our sex?  Something that for the vast majority of us is easily distinguished by looking at us.   But why is it that we all feel that our sex is THE most important thing about us?  Why do we identify so strongly as either female or male?  I don't have a clue, do you?

Moving on, let's add one more word to our description. If you're an adult i would guess that your job is what you have chosen to add.  If your still in school then the range becomes wider but still describes what we are doing, rather than WHO we are. Is what we do, who we are?  Is being a student, a programmer, etc that tied to who we are inside, or are we describing ourselves for others and not us?

How far down the list if we keep at this is our age, weight, or other physical characteristics?  Still for the most part we are using external cues to describe ourselves.

What does this say about our society and it's views on summing us up for public consumption?  Is that why it's so vitally important for others when they discover our sexual orientation?  Could it be because supposedly we are out of where "normal" lies, and some of the interest in us is nothing more than the juvenile need to group everyone into "alike" groups, and when we are no longer in the "correct" group it throws off their world view?  Considering how adaptable and intelligent humans are, why is different such a fear ladened word?  Which makes me wonder if this fear of  the different, the unusual, hardwired in?  If that is true then at some distant point in our past fearing the different instead of being drawn to it must have served some kind of self preservation function. However, we can be taught to accept, embrace and perhaps even love the different among us, and that to me is the true definition of evolve.

So if we can't use external words, how do we describe ourselves if only to our selves?  I know that I all to often fall into using only the negative adjectives, rather than positives. Let's give using positive adjectives a go, shall we?  Words that paint us with a brush full of good will towards ourselves, rather than a boot full of gloom.

If you ask a child to describe themselves, they will usually only use positive words. They see only the good in themselves and others. When do we lose that ability, and why?  Is the loss of being able to paint ones self with positive imagines the beginning of when being different becomes bad?

When we can't see the good in our own person, how can we see the good in others?  To protect us from others we begin the hideous slide into picking on others hoping no one will look at us twice.  Unless of course you're already a victim of bullies, then it steadily becomes harder to describe yourself with any positive words at all.

Would we learn how to describe ourselves more clearly, using positive words rather than negative, if we at least attempt to see the good in others?  Accept the differences, embrace where we do meet up well and let the rest go?  If in looking for the good in others, would we find the good in ourselves?  Learn to love our quirks, accept ourselves as we are, and not as we want to be.  And in doing so, allow us to really love life, eager to greet each day so we can wring every drop from it. Propel our selves with purpose, listening to our true desires and interests, rather than just listening to the popular culture noise.

Ok, so let me take a crack at describing myself, using only positive words.  I'm loving, talkative (yes I do think that is a positive trait), funny, optimistic, curious and full of life.

Your turn!

Leaving the Grey Room

Malcolm  and Micky have opened up a new blog.  It's still in its infancy but I sense good things on this blog in the future.  They are co-writing a blog about abuse, well rather than me tell you, let them tell you.W


"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us.

And if you can, then please help us to all help each other by adding to our Links List of resources for Survivors of Abuse.

t happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us."

Interested?  Then head on over to "Leaving the Grey Room".  Follow them, link them in your blogroll, because the sad thing about being abused as a kid is that we all think we are the only ones.  Being abused is very embarrassing, and most of us will go to any lengths to keep others from finding out, because for some reason we always felt as though it was something wrong with us that made our adults treat us in that manner.  If only we were better, smarter, neater, better behaved, more something they would just stop hurting us.

Give Malcolm and Micky some blog love, yeah?

Some questions answered, yet many remain

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, so hugs and kissies for all of your help.  Am going to respond to your comments here to make sure you see them, cause as you know, I rarely if ever respond to comments.

@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog.  My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name.  The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband).  Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons.  But I can see how that would be a valid worry.  I hate not being honest with them.  There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices.  And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.

@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy.  However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me.  The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again.  One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.

@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him.  He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy.  And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life!  As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.

For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone.  It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal.  So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me.  And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason.  It just might be my stubborn independence streak?

Being TG is very different from being gay.  For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.

@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go.  Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....

@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this.  I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.

@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them.  But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....

@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go.  The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt.  And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them.  There will be differing reactions.  I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it.  There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me.  There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while.  One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf.  For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.

@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!

TH told me today that he is worried about me.  He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy.  When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better......  It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before.  So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone.  Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound?  Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?

Opinions and suggestions please

I finally seem to have myself back to what passes for normal.  Now that I know that this will be the carapace that will be my home for the rest of my life, and there is no possible way of becoming a man with a male body, I feel much less trapped and unhappy.  My joy is slowly returning, and my smiles now are in my eyes, so life is getting good again.  I still have sad times, and down moments, and clothes are still my major malfunction, but am working on that as well.

I want to come out to my sons.  They are all adults, and we are a very close family.  They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it,  so they know something is up.  Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues.  They thought we were working towards a divorce.

My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition.  Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months.  TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer.  But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self.  I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them.  TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me.  I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.

What do you think?  Should I come out to them?  Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me?  And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well?  Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?

I want to take the next step, what do you think?

I'll take "Androgyne" for $500 please.

Starting out on this odyssey of self discovery I began at the point of being an androgyne.  Life was good, the label/box fit me well.  Then as time went on, I realized just that there was more male inside me than female, and my label shifted yet again, and I thought of myself as transgender.  A transgender person who wanted the SRS.

I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began.  Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.

This is how I see it.  Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all.  However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm.  Wait!  I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to.  Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.

Am I a coward?  Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning?  To be honest, I don't think so.  Yes, I did say think, not know.  But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom.  I just cant live that way any longer.  So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.

A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am.  After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him.  Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him.  His advice?  "Cut the shit Biki".  Thats what lead me to where I am now.

I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were.  I woke up today feeling much more positive.  More so than I've felt in a long while.  I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!

So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?

Randomized Particles

Well since we last visited not a whole lot of anything of large import has occurred.  Just the usual current of life.  But little pieces of things have accumulated on the desktop of my mind, which is cluttered as usual, with odds and ends.

It's full on fall now.  The leaves are all turning gold, and starting to litter the ground.  It doesn't quite yet smell like moose season, but its getting close.  What does moose season smell like?  Hmmm, I guess the best way to explain it is the smell of fall in the woods.  Kinda spicy, kinda musky, with a tang of chill in the mix.  While I'm not a lover of the coldness of winter, the energy that comes with autumn is one of my favorites.  We had a little visitor looking for mushrooms in our back garden today, and he was kind enough to let me snap his picture.

An unrealized bonus of watching my wee little grand daughter is that I also get about 15 minutes alone time with my eldest son each morning, which is wonderful.  I'm happy that he's all grown up and flown our nest to build a new one with his wife and baby, but still I do miss getting just one on one time with him.  They both (son and dil {daughter in law}) come home for lunch at the same time, so I sit and visit with them and that is really nice too.  I think, well I hope that finally I'm building a closer relationship with my daughter in law, something that I have sorely wanted.

Wedding plans for son #3 and his wife to be are advancing, they have finally picked a date, July 23.  I would love to come out to the boys, but I'm thinking that maybe I should hold off until after the wedding or I might have to attend the wedding "a la Bette Midler" style in Stella.  Is there a true difference being tossed away by parents and siblings and being tossed away by your children?  

I tried my hand at making sushi with the salmon we caught.  TH (the husband) said it was good.  No, I don't eat it, for some reason it just wont digest in my stomach, and our youngest has the same issue, yes yes I know weird, but hey its me your talking about.  Anyways, the sushi came out ok, just my sizing was off, and my rice didn't quite stick together as tightly as necessary.  The problem I think was that let my rice cool to much before trying to form it.  But since it was a hit, will be trying again.  If it comes out better next time, maybe I'll snap a photo.

My holistic doctor who is helping me deal with my emotions, because our emotions color our health as you well know.  She doesn't let me see what she is testing me for until I have a reaction, and then she tells me, which emotion is pinging on me.  This week it was the emotion of feeling distorted.

As she got ready to help me clear this emotion from my system, she said "Imagine yourself in a fun house mirror."

me, "Why?  All I have to do is to think about what I see when I look in the mirror."

her, "Oh, that must be so hard to deal with!  Ok, think about that."

Does it really help?  I'm not sure to be honest.  What I do know is that it does bring me several things.  One, I do feel more peaceful after my treatments, which is a huge help.  And two, it brings to the forefront some of my emotions that I didn't really know I was experiencing.

I feel rather lost anymore, not sure of who I am.  When it was rather forcefully brought to my attention that I was a girl, it did cause a total change in my personality.  Before that I was rather serious, and prone to settling fights with my fists.  Afterward I was the bubbly "girl", I know you remember one of those.  But as I got into high school, I started dressing rather well....distorted.  An odd mix of boy and girl clothes.  And once on a dare by Porn Boy, dressed as full on girl, without any odd bits thrown in.  Several of my "friends" didn't recognize me, so that tells me they weren't seeing the true me, but the false front me, the cardboard cutout that I used as me.

I would really like to find me somewhere in all this mass of boxes and to be comfortable enough to display the real me to all who look in my shop window.  My bubbly "girl" has gone and I think for good.  She wasn't ever real anyway, so thats good, yeah?  But TH misses her, and wants her back, something that I don't think is possible, nor do I really miss her.......