Sunday, July 28, 2013

Snap-a-holic post

TH and I went for a walk at the bird sanctuary yesterday.  Its a nice pleasant walk, its usually not crowded, there are many dogs to pat and visit with, and for me a transplanted mid-westerner, it reminds me of the farmland that used to surround me.  No farm animals though..sigh.  But there are fields and wide open spaces, a feeling of being able to breathe and freedom.


 The Republican idea of what retirement housing should be?  Nah, just a lean to, they have classes for children on how to survive in the woods, this was built a few days before.
 Then off to a riverside park we enjoy.  The primary user is for a boat launch, so for most of the day its a serene environment to sit and enjoy the day.  If it's not a breezy day, then one is kept mega busy slapping at mosquitoes.  But yesterday was a beautiful day, with just the perfect amount of breeze and sun.




Then up the road away to hike around a recent burn.  This kept us chewing our air for about a week, with the air quality listed as unhealthy for several of those days.  Everyone was wheezing and having issues grabbing enough air





 What we think happened here was that the trees were pulling the last bit of food energy from their leaves before shedding them.  The ground in many areas were covered with these sorts of bi-colored leaves.  This one is singed around the edges.




This forest fire occurred about a month ago, spewing particulate filled air into our town making our air quality "unhealthy".  The trail we were following was used by the fire fighters to get better access to the "back country", where there isnt any roads or trails, so they were bulldozing trails to get the equipment to the fire.  This is one of the many trees that were cut down, and as you can see, the roots of the tree survived the scorching and is quickly working at making a new tree.

Some sort of mushroom pushing its way through the forest floor.  If the weather cooperates next spring, this should be a great area to pick morel mushrooms.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Two for the price of one!

Why am I allowing a social enigma, the collective "them" to define what/who I am?  Why do we give power over us to anyone other than ourselves to decide who we are?  What a silly way to live our lives, and from here on out, I am going to attempt to break those bonds of the collective and attempt to live under my own definitions. 

I think that I've had the wrong end of the stick with the whole gender/sex construct.  Yes, I do have a female body, one that doesn't fit my male brain and heart.  But why doesnt it fit correctly?  Because my brain expects to see a man when peering into a looking glass.  Parts are missing, others are present, hairless mostly, etc the usual dichotomy of the transgender human. One who refuses to give up husband and children to grab the golden ring of transition.  That is my cage and their has to be a mindset that would allow me to meld all that makes me who I am, into a whole being that I'd be happy living within for the rest of my life.

So the female meat suit stays, that isnt under consideration.  What is left for me to manipulate to increase my happiness level, my comfort living within a female? 

Experimentation is called for, to see what lessens the GID (gender identity disorder) and allows me the maximum mental happiness.  I think one positive change would be to label myself as genderqueer or androgynous.  Why?  Because I am two genders within one body.  I live within one gender, and exist emotionally as another.  Rather than trying to choose a single gender, neither of which fits wholly, thinking of myself in the plural acknowledges both, and doesn't dismiss either valid gender.  For I am a blend of genders, a marvelous swirl of male and female, both of which need to be recognized by me to be one complete person.  Trying to shunt away the feminine hasn't been good for my mental state, how can I ignore my very being and still be happy?  The answer is I can't, it just doesn't work for me,  and led me down the path of depression with occasional flirtations with suicide.  I need to embrace both parts of my being, the male and the female equally.

And just like that...............a knot loosened in my chest.  A wad of of tightness that I wasn't even aware that existed, was only noticed by its leaving. 






Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Finding Balance



Taking the allergens from my diet has helped even out my moods and lessened the grip of extreme depression that used to be my constant companion.  But now without depression coloring my landscape, I find my focus skittering around the edges of who I actually am.  Unable to grab hold of the topic with truth, has more or less frozen me into place.

I've been asked why I don't dress more male by the people I've come out to.  Because I'm afraid.  Afraid that first it will be masculine shirts, then hair style, then binding the hated breasts, and then.............hormones.  I sound like a right winger who preaches of the "slippery slope" of doom, but that is how my thinking is currently arranged.

It seems that my gender name is Henry.  Yeah, who knew?  While logging in to play a new game a while ago, I thought, "NO!  I'm not going to be Gillie, or Gill, in this game I'll be actual me."  And in a flash, I realized that when I gave myself a "you can do it" speech, I was always Henry.  

Some where along the way these last few years, I've lost the little body connection I had.  Frozen inside of me, bound up tight I've moved emotionally into a distant place, even from TH.  Hugs are allowed, as are kisses, but being touched sexually?  Yeah, I've lost the capacity for that.  Most of my sex drive has disappeared.  My thinking is that when I came out to TH if we hadn't gone into such a long period of being without sex, that maybe I wouldn't be quite so disconnected from my body.  I've always been very aggressive sexually, and while I dated in high school, teenaged guys were never my prime focus, men were.  Older men at least in their mid 20's and older, their experience in the rack really was what I was looking for.  



Always, for always I've been a blend of male and female.  In some cases my actions were more on the female balance, but mostly I look at the world thru a male lens.  But in the wake of the trans juggernaut, I've lost my natural inter-twining of male and female, for a stunted being, but I don't know how to find my way back to me. 


 I read an article on Bilerco.com awhile ago, and it really struck home.  Most of the trans narrative is white male to female trans ladies who are straight.  Sprinkle in a soupcon of ethnic trans ladies, and a pinch of female to male trans men.  But nearly all of these trans tales are of straight people, rarely any of gay or lesbians trans.  Those that are LGB are frilly ladies and straight acting gay dudes.  An guess what?  That ain't me.  Yeah, for better or worse I am a femme gay guy.  I'll never be "butch" or uber male, while I'm very (or used to be) aggressive between the sheets, that's the only place I've really ever been aggressive.  I'm a soft gentle person, unwilling to cause hurt if at all possible.  After all these years living as a girl, I know the mannerisms adopted will never leave me, and after reading that article, I'm ok looking at myself in that light.  If I were to transition, no one would ever mistake me for a straight guy, ever, and I'm fine fine with that.  Which to my mind would read more authentic than if I were attempting to act a part I'm not.



What I need now is to find my path, back to a whole, balanced me.  I'm not sure if the way through is to be able to talk openly about it with TH, because he is still wibbling between acceptance and denial.  When he looked at the start up screen of my game and he saw Henry under player, he got that look again.  The look that says to me, "oh, I thought since you don't talk about this any longer it's gone away....", accompanied by a flash of anguish.  As to why I don't talk to TH about trans stuff is because I always get that face, and it saddens me/him, hurts his/my feelings....yeah one ugly circle there.  Maybe the path back to a more whole me, is healing our relationship, into one that feeds us both, mentally and sexually.  




 

 


Monday, July 8, 2013

Good God Man! Don't Lick THAT!

Cooking for Th and myself since my return home has been tricky as can be.  He anxiously awaited my return to have me cook his favorite meals.  Ok, no worries dear, let me go and whomp that up for you.  Halfway through making one of his favorites, Mac and cheese, I started to taste the cheese sauce to see if it was seasoned properly and realized tis full of milk and cheese a total no fly zone.  Then I needed to test the pasta to see if it was done, "shit!" I cant do that either!  TH tasted the noodles, but trying to walk him thru if the cheese sauce was right was insane.  He kept answering, "I don't know honey, it's just not right....." taking the trillionth taster and we finally just called it good.  He ate it, seemed happy enough after I got over my grumbles.   He loves the salmon pancakes that I posted a while back, but I've never tasted them, due to egg and flour.  And while the wheat flour is easily exchanged for gluten free "flour", eggs are a tricky bastard to replace.  Mayo won't work in this recipe, and just gave it up and make them for him alone.

Stupid traitor body with the insane food allergies!  Gah!

I made him a sandwich a few days ago, and went to lick the extra mayo off the spoon, stopping myself just right before it entered my mouth.  Over half of what he has been dreaming about eating while I was gone is un-taste-able for me.  I rarely use a recipe, as I cook by taste and smell and look, with taste leading the way by a long stretch.

Being ever the pusher of all things rule related I tried some apples and onions on my favorite pork sandwich (now sans bun, so is it even actually a sandwich?) at one of our fav restaurants.  Turns out that even though beer is fermented, and then cooked for a long time in with the apples and onions, it was enough to cause my system to go into complete disarray for days.

Some things I just make two meals, with only veggies or rice and occasionally potatoes being overlapping portions of our meals.  Which lead to loads of extra work, mega amount of pots and pans to wash, before I wised up and called it quits.


It has taken quite a bit of recipe repair work to make things that we both are happy eating, and doesnt make me sick, and that makes TH smile.  Some have been an easy fix, others have taken quite a bit of imagination to pull off.  Gluten free pasta and crackers and cookies, he loves!  Yippeee!!  Rice milk used in place of milk for cream sauces, not so much.  Vegan butter and mayo, he loves em both!  Vegan cheese?  Oh hellz no!  Soy yogurt, yes please!

I've found some vegan yogurt starter.  Why vegan?  Because all other yogurt starters have been raised on milk, and I'm not exactly sure how little milk it will take to crash and burn my combustion systems, but after the apples and onions incident, I'm not willing to go there any time soon.  Found some plain soy milk and this weekend I'm going to make some soy yogurt.  Our local stores only sell soy yogurt in wee plastic containers all flavored with sugar and fruit.  Nummy deluxe for snacks and whatnot, but not so good for recipes requiring plain yogurt.  Also want to try draining it to make a fake-y sour cream and further draining to get yogurt cheese to use in place of cream cheese.  Then!!  Yes then we can get seriously down on alfredo sauce with fresh caught salmon.

Over these last few months I had forgotten the sad state of produce in Alaska grocery stores.  The lack of variety, herbs being the number one unable to buy consistently.  Outside of parsley and cilantro, which are normally fairly fresh, its practically a herb free zone here.  Now and then they get in a new shipment of basil and I hurry home to use it up in a day or two before it dies.  Mint, shisho, watercress, lemongrass, and shallots aren't to be found.  Even something as common as hot peppers can be a hard to find item.  Oh, they have 'em, but they are dying, shriveled and often times moldy.  And that is impacting my cooking as well.  My new go to cuisine is Vietnamese and their food heavily uses fresh herbs, so much of my favorite meals that I couldn't wait to share with TH will have to wait for him to come and visit me in Arizona. 


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Two Quick and Easy Summer Recipes

I'll admit it, I'm a veggie-holic always stuffing veggies into any recipe possible.  One of my notable failures was the addition of grated cabbage into spaghetti sauce, the kids hated it.  But this one doubles the usage from a few heads of broccoli.  One head of broccoli, two completely different uses.  Use the florets in your favorite broccoli recipes, just remember that there is only the tender bits left, they will cook much quicker than usual.  Just guess how I know this!  ;-p

Quick Pickled Broccoli Stems
Cut the florets off and set aside, they wont be needed for this recipe.  With a paring knife, trim off any tough skin on the stems, or you can use a peeler.

Slice rather thinly 2 cups of broccoli stems.  Now, I just sliced them on the round, but they can be sliced length wise and then cut into smaller bites.  I like the festive look the irregularly shaped stems have.


This is how I measured them, as you can see there is empty space, thats ok, this is loose recipe, exact doesnt matter here.


Whisk this together into a glass bowl:
3/4 cup rice wine vinegar  (you could also use apple cider vinegar, but I wanted a more neutral         vinegar flavor)
3 tablespoons sugar ( or more to taste, these are very tart, so amp up the sugar if you wish)
1 tablespoon kosher salt ( if you only have table salt, start with 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and add up)
1 large garlic clove, minced or grated
1/8 - 1/4 red pepper flakes (or not, if you dont enjoy spicy foods, leave out)

Stir in the stems, mix well.  Place a sheet of plastic wrap directly onto the surface of the broccoli, making sure all the stems are submerged.  Chill for at least 3 hours, eat within 2-3 days. 



Salmon Pancakes

This tasty dish can also be made with tuna or chicken, just be aware that the can of salmon I used is 7oz.  Carefully drain out all the liquid before dropping into the mixing bowl, if any puddles appear in the bottom of the bowl, blot out with a paper towel.  Flake well with a fork and then mix in:

1/3 minced onion
If the onion has a really aggressive rank odor, place into a small bowl and cover with boiling water, let sit for about 3-4 minutes, drain well.  This should tame it while allowing it to keep its crispiness.
1 large clove minced or grated garlic
2 eggs
2 tablespoons all purpose flour
1-2 teaspoons sesame oil ( this is optional )
salt and pepper to taste

Mix well, until the flour and egg are well mixed in, the batter will be on the loose side.  In a nonstick skillet or griddle, 1-2 tablespoons neutral flavored oil.  Heat over medium high heat.  Place large spoonfuls of batter into skillet.  These can be made fairly small, or larger so that you get between 5-6 pancakes per recipe.  Shape into rounded shapes with spoon.

Cook until they are firm enough to flip, around 3-6 minutes depending on your stove and pan. See how the edges are setting up?  These are nearly ready to flip.  I flipped one early to show that its not quite brown enough yet.



 Flip and cook until browned on both sides. Cool if desired on paper toweling, to prevent sogginess.


Want a good dipping sauce on the fly?  Mix 3 tablespoons maple syrup (NOT pancake syrup) and 1 tablespoon soy sauce.  You may add minced or grated ginger or a dash of ground red pepper, or black pepper, etc.......








Sunday, June 16, 2013

Packing, Driving and Maid Service PLEASE!

 Sorry I've been MIA for a while, been struggling with depression and body issues.  Part of the depression I managed to winkle out the why of, I'm going to miss my volunteer "job" like crazy.  I love working at the library, love being around the people, books and it gives shape to my day.  Here, I have around 2 hours max with TH before he leaves for work at 5 pm.  Then alone again until he gets up the next day.  There will be something to keep me busy however, more about that later.

Monday night I packed the last of the boxes and suitcases for the trip home.  Finished up on the last few cleaning chores, didn't get to the vacuuming however.  Oh, well when I get home it will need a good cleaning, and it had only been a week since the last hoovering.

Tuesday morning I ate breakfast, packed my bento for snacking on for the drive to Henderson, Nevada, washed up the dishes, put the stacks of items into George and headed out.  And promptly made an error on the freeway, didnt get over into a far enough left lane and ended up being forced off that particular interstate.  So, Martha (the GPS wife) attempted to lead me back on the right path, only for me to mistake her interchange instructions and was again off course.  Finally taking pity on me, and as the freeways filled up, she switched to surface streets and driving became less of an act of bravery and faith and more do-able for me.

Five very l-o-n-g hours later I pulled into the hotel parking lot, after a few misses with off ramps and wrong turns...sigh.  Between heavy traffic, an exhausted driver, and unfamiliar streets it was a crap shoot on how long I would make Martha "recalculate" before arriving at the casino/hotel.  They had valet parking which I took full advantage of, pulled out my overnight bag, and checked in.  Within 10 minutes of checking in, I was fast asleep, and was out for around an hour.


Funnily enough, I had to walk past masses of slot machines, and other games to get to the restaurant and coffee shop and never felt the least twinge about wanting to give it a go.  Mainly because all of the people playing them didnt look the least bit happy, and if I'm going to toss money out, it's damned well going to give me some enjoyment, like a book or a movie or a new big fish game. 

Had a great dinner of gluten free pasta, a nice salad, a glass of white wine, and after watching a bit of tv was out like a light again.  Morning found me back into George with a new location for Martha to direct me to.  Of course you know I got off on the wrong track, but the good thing was, I had forgotten to fill up the tank so the route Martha took me on was lousy with petrol stations.  With Georges tank filled I finally got my shit together and managed to get out of town an off toward Provo Utah.

TH's best friend since elementary school days wanted to drive to Alaska with his son, and he didnt have anything he felt he could trust. And! It got George to Alaska, because the drive to Provo proved that I am done done done with long distance driving at around hour 4.  I will happily sit for 10 or more hours in the passenger seat, but behind the wheel my attention span is remarkably short.

After a nice visit with the long time friend and his wife, he jumped in George and took off, the wife took me to the Salt Lake airport for the last leg of the trip home.

And I arrived home to be greeted by this.....
The entire house looks like this.  The last time he ran the vacuum was December!  The dishes were cleaned up at least.  I have been cleaning and tossing of junk, trash,  been putting stuff away and after a few days of this, the house still looks like a junk heap.  This mess is going to take me a while to win against.

Maybe I should play this song for him daily after I return to Alaska?





Saturday, June 1, 2013

attic monsters

 A dark side of weight loss has reared its heavy head of late, causing anguish.

I've gone from being shaped like so,   l  l  


to this,     ) (

Being shaped like  a tube is easier to forget the whole girl body.   The whole hour glass-ish shape, not so much...............


Monday, May 27, 2013

Book Plates of Gratitude



The library I volunteer at is very appreciative of their volunteers, making this library a wonderful place to "work".   Whilst I was gone getting the youngest all married up, they had a nice luncheon for all the volunteers.  The luncheon is held before the majority of the snow birds fly off back home,  few of the volunteers live here full time.

One other way they show their appreciation is the book plate program.  A book plate is printed up with our name, recognizing us for our volunteerism.  Nice yeah? 

After some thought which LGBT themed book I wanted to adhere my book plate to, I decided on Richard Plant's "The Pink Triangle: The Nazi War Against Homosexuals".  The only trick is that they dont own the book, so I asked if they ever purchase books for the volunteers.  It turns out they do, if the book is available to purchase new and isn't X-rated.

Off to the coordinator for the volunteers to ask if they would look into purchasing this book for me.  Explaining that I am a huge history buff, and one of my studies of interest is how Nazi Germany wrestled control of the country away from the rank and file German, and the sad outcome.  And that I hate that history has been white washed of the pink of LGBT and that this is an important book.  I received an odd look from her, but let her draw her own conclusions I don't really care if she thinks I'm a lesbian.

Yippee!!  The book came in last week, and is now living on the shelf!  My only issue is that they housed it in the gay section, not the history section which is where I wished for it to live.  They dont house the Jewish holocaust books in the Jewish religion section, nor do they house any other memoirs of the Nazi persecution in a separate section.  So that is a bit of a let down.  But still they bought it, and I'm happy that one more bit of our history is on the shelf for all to read, especially the LGBT teens.


If you know of a great LGBT book put it in the comments.  If the library doesn't own it, I'll suggest the book(s).









Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Heroic Gusty Michael School Students Fight To Save Their School

Being homesick for Alaska, I scour the Alaskan news sites, yesterday this article grabbed my heart strings.  We hear about how selfish kids are today, how they only think of themselves.  These 6 students prove that axiom ever so wrong.

Reprinted from the Alaska Dispatch

Written by Alex DeMarban

Desperate to keep their school, Stony River students raising thousands of dollars



Five schools closed this year in rural Alaska for lack of enrollment, but one on the verge of closure, in the village of Stony River, is surviving on receipts from student-run store, an effort the superintendent calls "heroic."
A student shortage led to the shutdown of four rural Alaska schools this year -- the most in a decade -- but a handful of gutsy kids in a fifth village refused to let their school die. They've agreed to contribute $18,000 to help keep it afloat, using money collected mostly from ice cream sales at the student store.
The six students, ranging from the fifth to 10th grade at the Gusty Michael School in Stony River, are "heroic," said Brad Allen, Kuspuk School District [3] superintendent.
"It's pretty phenomenal to see kids wanting to pay to keep their school open when you have so many places in the U.S. where the kids don't care about the school or are not willing to fight for it. It's definitely a welcome change," Allen said.
The store, operated out of an empty teacher-housing unit because the school building closed last year, is the only place to buy food in the community of 40 that lies west of Anchorage across the Alaska Range. Students, who also attend classes in the housing unit, sell everything from ice cream sandwiches, the most popular treat, to staples like bread and milk.

Enrollment slips under 10-student minimum

Store receipts -- plus donations -- had in recent years helped students travel thousands of miles to southern California and Washington, D.C., to visit places never seen by most of them, including zoos, museums, and urban universities.
The California excursion made minor celebrities out of the kids and their passionate teacher, Debi Rubera, as reporters witnessed them experience everything from kiwi fruit to ocean sunsets with wide-eyed amazement.
But last fall, the school was on the verge of closing [4] because enrollment had slipped below the 10-student minimum required to receive full state operational funding.
The Legislature in 1999 established that threshold [5] to reduce the high costs of education in the frigid Far North, where schools pay ginormous sums to heat and electrify buildings, ship in supplies and import teachers.
Since that law passed, 31 schools have closed as rural communities shrunk and families with kids have left town, often seeking better opportunities elsewhere.
Lacking enough students to stay open this past school year were Danger Bay School [6] in Kodiak, Clarks Point School in the Bristol Bay region, Nelson Lagoon School on the Alaska Peninsula and Pitkas Point School on the lower Yukon River, according to the Department of Education.

Accelerating closures?

The state has seen one or two rural schools close yearly since 1999, but you'd have to go back to 2003, when six schools shut their doors, to find so many closures in a single year.
The Kuspuk School District based in the village of Aniak along the middle Kuskowkim River has seen it’s enrollment shrink dramatically -- dropping by more than a third, from 500 to 320 students, in 14 years, according to Allen.
Families might be leaving because of the high price of heating fuel and gas or too few jobs, Allen said. "People practice subsistence livelihoods, but you still need gas for boats and snowmachines."
Gas in the village runs $7.38 a gallon, more than double the national average of $3.56. And heating fuel can run thousands of dollars a year per household.
Those items are expected to become more expensive in the coming weeks, once the frozen Kuskowkim River melts and the river barge arrives with the year's supply of fuel.
"It's a downward spiral," Allen said. As more students leave, the district loses more state income, and more teachers and support positions must be cut, leading to more families leaving, said Allen. The district plans to eliminate five teaching positions next year, leaving just 30.
Because the Gusty Michael School was below the 10-student minimum last fall, the district lost $30,000 in state operational funds. It expects to lose about $60,000 this coming school year and $90,000 next year. To make up the difference, the district has trimmed expenses at other schools in five other communities, including by implementing a district-wide pay freeze, said Allen.
"We're trying to do what we can to keep things going," he said.
The Kuspuk district hasn't had a school shut down since Red Devil closed in 2010.

Anticipating preschoolers' arrival

The students in Stony River -- Beth Willis and Nels, Eric, Tyrel, Michael and Nacole Gusty -- hope to make sure they're not next, said their teacher, Debi Rubera.
At the school board meeting on Wednesday, the Stony River students pleaded for another year of support from the district. The hope is that if the school can stay alive two more years, a batch of preschoolers will eventually push enrollment to 10 or more. If the school closes, people fear it will be permanent because several families will leave at once.
"I want it to stay open because it's where we learn and where we live," said Michael Gusty, a seventh grader. "It's really important because if we didn't have it people would be leaving (the village)."
At the meeting, the students told the board they would immediately donate $8,000 from the store, money they'd hoped to use for their next excursion Outside, said Rubera. They also committed to providing $1,000 a month next school year.
"They said if we don't have a school, we won't travel anyway," said Rubera.
When rural communities lose their schools, students might attend correspondence schools or travel far from home to attend statewide boarding schools such as Mt. Edgecumbe in Southeast Alaska or the Galena Interior Learning Academy in the Interior. Often, too, families pack up and move, heading to bigger cities such as Bethel, Anchorage or Fairbanks.
Rubera's doing her part to keep the Gusty Michael School open. This year, the longtime teacher has served as everything from janitor to cook to teacher aide. The only thing Rubera doesn't do is maintenance because she doesn't know how. Local handymen volunteer for that, because the person who used to fix electrical and plumbing problems is gone as well.
"It has been a massive community effort to keep this school open," she said.
Motivated by the students’ commitment, the school board agreed to dig into the district's pockets another year. And Rubera, who has a home in Oregon and one year before retirement, has promised to stay in Stony River until the school is back up to 10 students.
"I've never been in a school where kids took the money they earned to travel and handed it over," she said. "It's inspiring to see kids that are working this hard and doing everything they can to keep their school open."
Postscript: It appears at least one more rural school will close in the coming year. APRN reported that the Copper Center School, about 140 miles northeast of Anchorage, will shut down because of low enrollment. 

Links:
[1] http://www.alaskadispatch.com/authors/677769
[2] http://www.alaskadispatch.com/image/stony-river-students
[3] http://www.kuspuk.org/site/default.aspx?PageID=1
[4] http://www.alaskadispatch.com/article/fading-regions-stony-river-among-rural-schools-struggling-survive-0
[5] http://www.alaskadispatch.com/article/rural-alaska-villages-fight-extinction-once-schools-close
[6] http://education.alaska.gov/DOE_Rolodex/SchoolCalendar/Home/SchoolDetails/280150
[7] mailto:alex@alaskadispatch.com

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Adventures in Food Analoging

For the first bit after finding out I was allergic to sooo many foods, grocery shopping was an overwhelming excursion.  Every single stupid label had to be read before being placed in my trolley and even then quite often, just to double triple check, that I hadn't missed some ingredient, the label was re-read.  Quite often finding something I'd missed on the first round or two.  Some missteps were made as I would forget things I couldn't eat, like buckwheat.  Why I'm allergic to buckwheat is anyone's guess, tis a gluten free grain, but nope, I've tried and it makes me feel like crud.

One day while in the grocery store picking up some orange juice and rice milk, I had an epiphany of sorts, the vast majority of the items in the store I'm allergic to.  Even in the gluten free section, I'm not freed from my label reading tasks, as much of it contains dairy or egg, or tree nuts.  This made me a very sad camper for quite a while. 


After "The Mussel Incident" I realized this isnt temporary, this is a permanent.  This is the way I'll have to eat for the rest of my life.  In that moment, for some unknown reason, my sadness evaporated and I began to deal in a happier more productive way.

Who knows what is rattling around inside of our heads, but lately I've been dying for a taste of my grandmother's "Scotch Eggs".  No, not these


but her version, ran through the lens of Indiana, where food quite often takes an odd shift.  Her Scotch Eggs was an dinner to clean up some of the leftovers.  So, bits of ham, hard boiled eggs.  She would dice the ham, use the whites from the hard boiled eggs ( the yolks were used for a different dish) make a white sauce using up some of the left over spring onions, and this would be poured over toast, or yeast rolls or warmed up leftover mashed potatoes.  Thrifty cook, yeah? 

After trial and error I found a way to make tofu taste like egg whites.  Maybe not for someone that has recently had an egg, but its been 2 years since my last egg.  The trick is to cut it around 1/2 inch thick, wrap in paper towels, and press most of the liquid out.  Then salt, pepper and onion salt both sides and let sit while the Earth Balance vegan butter has a chance to melt and the onion and ham has a chance to "frizzle up" a bit.  Then i carefully added the tofu "egg" and gently cooked it until barely golden brown on most sides.  Stirred in the gluten free flour, added the rice milk, along with more salt, pepper and onion powder, when the sauce became thick and creamy looking, I poured it over some rice and carefully, hopefully took a bite.....TA-DAH!  It was all that I had been hoping for!


A few days later, I made some gluten free biscuits (from a mix) did my egg trick, and whipped up a batch of italian sausage.  Making my own from ground pork doesnt take all that long and I think it does taste better, less sodium and no scary chemical additives.  Built my breakfast sandwich, poured a cup of coffee, and quite fearfully took my first bite.  OH MY SWEET STARS!  My tongue thought it had died and gone to breakfast restaurant heaven.  The biscuits while a bit crumbly, have a good flavor, and the tofu "egg" came thru like a champ again! 


I've been reading all of the vegan cookbooks the library houses. Vegan's have already figured out how to do a work around eggs and dairy, so while should I re-invent the wheel?  I'm excited to try using tofu as a substitute for paneer in Indian cooking.

A friend came over the other day for a quick bite before we headed out, and I had made a pan of gluten free brownies (from a mix) she loved them so much she wanted two servings!  They are good, moist and very tasty, which if you ask me is some sort of miracle seeing how they have no gluten nor egg.  Nestled in my freezer are slices of brownie, and when I want a sweet, it's off to the fridge for a tall cold glass of rice milk and a piece of frozen brownie.  After trying many different plant based milks, my all time favorite is the rice.  Unfortunately, rice milk is falling out of favor and almond and to a lesser extent soy are becoming the top plant based milks.  While I can drink soy, its a total no go zone for the almond, due to my tree nut allergy.   I can make my own rice milk, but have no way to fortify it, and really would much rather buy it ready to drink.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Transformations

Bob from  I Should Be Laughing  commented on my last post, saying
I still remember the days of thinking before I answered a question because I needed to make sure I didn't give anything away.
The other day at work, a co-worker told me that had I not told her I was gay she wouldn't have known, and I said, "I never said I was gay."
"You're not gay?"
No, I am gay, but I never 'said' it."
What I said, when we first met, was something about my partner Carlos; I say things like 'Carlos and I are going to vacation next week' or 'Carlos and i bought a new car.'
I reminded her that she doesn't have to introduce herself as straight and I don't introduce myself as gay. Just talking about our personal lives tells someone what our orientation is.
So, I know how you feel about not being careful what you say and how you say it.
It's a great thing.

Thats just exactly how I feel when questions about my personal life come up.  The biggest query is the lack of the usual female items, makeup, carrying a purse, manicures, the refusal to wear a dress or wear heels.  I hedge around the subject, finally ending up with a limp reply that hopefully foists their attention onto something else.

Having to hedge, prevaricate about, bothers me to no end.  One is because I dont enjoy fibbing, and truthfully am quite bad at doing so.  And two because each time I evade answering their question honestly, it hurts quite sharply.

I do feel that it is easier to work a same sex relationship into the conversation, than working trans-ness into the conversation.  The only things I can come up with is when asked why I dont act like the usual female are:  Well, typically guys dont wear/use ______.  and Except for drag queens, wearing/using _______ isnt something guys do.

The library world is filled primarily with women.  The few I have told when they work out what I'm telling them, jump right to this thought process. 
1. Gill is a guy
2. Guys like girls
3. Does that mean Gill likes me "that" way?

So, then I get to come out to them again as gay. 

And yes, Gill is my actual and true nickname.  I'm keeping my pen last name, as it fits me well.  Child of books. 

I seem to be busting out all over, yeah?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Cliff notes






Sunday I met up with the LBGTQ group that I've joined for a lunch and a movie.  Out of the 5 people who showed up, I only knew one of them,.....lets call her Annie.  We went around the table giving a thumbnail sketch of ourselves, I was the only trans person present everyone else is lesbian. 

The topic shifted to our pets and other things, when one of the ladies asked me, "How long ago did you transition?"  I then went thru my whole story, and they seemed the same toward me as before, which was nice!  The restaurant we went to had an actual gluten free section of the menu!  I had gluten free pasta and meat sauce, it was nice to be able to order from the menu, only making one change, no cheese.

After a nice lunch and a long chat, we walked to the theater, and after standing about debating the merits of one film over another, Annie suddenly said, "They have Jurassic Park in 3-D!!!"  And that's what we all went to see.  I'd forgotten over the millennium since it first came out how fun of a movie it was.

Monday morning Marlene texted me wanting to know if I was up for lunch and some shopping.  She dropped by to pick me up after her shift at the library ended and off we went to lunch, food wise wasnt nearly as successful as Sunday's was.  Anyway, we were shopping, she needs new clothing for work, when she asked me what I did this weekend.  In a very off hand manner, I mentioned lunch and a movie with a meet up group.  A while later, I could tell she had been thinking on this, she asked me who I went with.  In a very, I hope, casual manner I told her its an LBGTQ group.  Oh, she said.   Later she told me that one of her very best friends for a very long time is a lesbian.

So, Marlene thinks I'm lesbian, I'm ok with that, sorta, its not the truth about me but at least its a place to start.  The next time we are together, if it seems like the right time, I'm coming out to her.  I'm tired of hiding who I am.  The one really wonderful thing about living a zillion miles from home is I can be me, and not have to worry about it getting back to someone I dont want to know, yet.

Yes, I said yet.  I'm at the end of the hiding.  At this point in time the way I feel is if they cant accept me for who I am, fuck em.  Just straight up fuck em.  What brought along this change of heart?  This is going to sound like an odd catalysis but whatever.  The library has decided that a nice way to honor their volunteers hard work is for us to each pick a book that is important to us, and they attach the book plate to it, which has our name and that we are a volunteer.  Later that night, I realized that the only books I was researching was LGBT books.  That's when it hit me, I'm tired of not being me, of waffling around when I'm asked why I dont carry purses, wear makeup, or dresses, heels or why I've never painted my toe nails.  I'm just going to tell them, its because I'm a guy, and guys typically dont do those things. 

The book I finally picked, "The Pink Triangle; The Nazi War Against Homosexuals" by Richard Plant.  It combines my love of history, my trying to unravel the why of the holocaust, and that I too am a gay man.




Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Driving on Antigua

While Antigua is filled with lovely beaches, soft ocean breezes and lovely friendly people, it does have one large, glaring mark in the unpleasant column, the roads.  They are very narrow without benefit of shoulders nor center line markings, add to this for the American of driving not only on the wrong side of the road, but the wrong side of the car!


There was no way at all that I was going to drive, none, nada, zip!  TH got into the car with a bit of worry but confident that he could do this, as he drives on the right at work, abet with the workings on the "correct" side of the truck.  Our delightful taxi driver the previous day gave us a hint about how to navigate the traffic circles, she said, "If you keep the drivers door against the inside of the donut, you'll do fine!"  Later on that hint was helpful as the desire to turn the usual way was quite strong.

Within a few miles we found a giant flaw in our map.  Here look at the map a moment and then I'll continue on.


See all the delightful road names?  Ahh yes, well the funny thing is while they are named on maps, they AREN'T labeled in reality!!  No, really.  For some odd reason, the only roads with street signs were small residential roads, which when trying to get across the island shockingly enough, isn't all that much help!

At one point we decided to turn around and head back to a gas station hoping the other turn would prove more fruitful.  We turned off the "main" road onto a street lined with houses, and turned again onto an even smaller road to find a quiet place to turn about.  When we turned onto this small quiet road, a man was digging about in his fan and he looked up, saw us and his face split with a wide grin.  He came up to the car and said, "Ya lost man?  Where you be headed?"  We told him Jolly Harbor and he laughed like crazy, "You be way off your route!  Here follow me and I'll get you back on the right track!"  He waves his arm, jumps in his van and takes off.  We follow him thru several turnings and then he pulls over, waves us up even with him and tells us to, "Stick tight to this road and you'll be ok!"  We thanked him and after a little bit the road sorta kinda maybe-ish bent into 3.....  We didnt find Jolly Harbor itself, but did find a great place for lunchies!

The waiter kinda bothered TH, sorta.  S/He was tall and thin, and very very pretty, with large earrings, false eyelashes and drawn on eyebrows, long hair finely braided and done up in a bun sorta affair.  I'm not sure if waiter was trans, gay, dressed for a later gig at a drag show.  Whatever, waiter couldn't have been sweeter and more helpful.  The funny thing about this restaurant is there is one, count em one menu.  Written out on a large blackboard they have to carry around and prop next to the table.  With full tummies, and a revived but misguided sense of optimism we headed back out to the wild roads.

People park just willy nilly along these narrow roads, making them even more tricky to navigate.  In a particularly narrow portion of some road, there were cars and pick up trucks and a large truck parked alongside of both lanes of this road.  Making an already narrow road, nearly impossible.  Now people will stop for you, and when they do, they flash their lights, telling you 'tis ok to go.  We were behind the parked delivery truck and were awaiting our turn to go, and TH saw his moment, and started to creep forward, slowly, slowly, slowly and then he gunned it! 

                                                      CRASH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Our mirror didn't make it around the truck. 

TH was horrified that he had damaged the rental car in only about 20 minutes worth of driving.  We continued on, he was worried that he would get arrested, but was worried about calling the police.  After about fifteen pull off to the side of the road to look at said cartoon map, we finally figured out that all of the important crossings have gas stations on them, and are duly marked upon the map that we finally managed to find our way to Nonsuch Bay Resort.


After my trip to the hospital TH had to return to pay the bill as their system was down and couldnt take any form of payment.  The taxi driver as she pulled passed our car asked if that was our car.  TH sighed and agreed as how it was, causing her to laugh like silly.  Turns out her cousin was sitting on the porch of one of the houses there and saw the whole thing happen.  Small island, yeah?

Armed with a sense of how to read the map, and with firm instructions from the taxi driver who took TH to pay the hospital bill, we found the airport without any wrong turns, raised blood pressure, nor leaving any of the cars bits and bobs along the road.  When we return we are bringing Martha (my GPS wife) with us, hopefully she will work a treat there!

Luckily the price of the mirror wasn't outrageous, only $375.00 USD, or $1,012.50 EC.   The lady at the car rental place acted as if it were no biggie, and we were in and out of there in quick quick time.



                            




Wednesday, April 17, 2013

18° 0' 0" N / 61° 54' 0" W

Location: Antigua

We spent one night at Trade Winds Hotel.  This hotel is laid back and very rustic, it reminded me of the old fashioned road side hotels back in the day of two lane highway travel.  The food was amazing, the employees were warm and helpful and made us feel right at home.

Then we moved about a mile down the road to Grande Antigua Resort.   The beach was fantastic, as you have seen.  Miles of the softest sand I've ever stepped upon.  All of the employees were fantastic, super friendly and welcoming.  Due to all of my food allergies, I was having some issue finding food that was safe for me to eat.  One of the front desk ladies overheard me and made me an appointment with the chief at the OK Corral.  He wrote down everything that I'm allergic to and then made me a special meal!  It was the best meal I've had, maybe ever had!  The next night we ate at Kimono's and they cooked my salmon and beef before the chicken and shrimp!  Talk about service, wow.

However.....it felt as if we were on a cruise ship.  The minute we stepped foot on Sandals it no longer felt like we were on Antigua.  The resort is beautiful, well maintained, the food was good, but it felt removed from reality in some way.

We are currently at Nonsuch Bay Resort.  It's quite remote, after leaving Freetown its about 5 miles down a gravel road.  There is little to do here, so the relaxation factor is extreme.  We had hoped to do zipline (TH only) and then a snorkel/kayak trip, both of which were canceled due to my allergy episode that is still kicking my butt.

We love this island, love it!  Friday is coming way to soon for both of us.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

wherein biki's day takes an unexpected turn

Last night at supper, we decided to split an order of mussels.  When they came, starvation caused me to dig right in, but after eating two of them, the sauce gave me pause for thought.  I thought the sauce had creme in it, turns out it did, so hubby sat there an was powering thru them, when my lips started to tingle, and then my tongue, and suddenly my throat had a huge lump that made swallowing nearly impossible. 

TH ran back to the room for benadryl, and i ordered coffee, but the swelling continued, and soon it was if I were massively drunk.  A very worried TH, went to talk to the lady at the front desk who told them the fastest way to the hospital was in a taxi. A taxi was called for, and after a 40 minute ride, we arrived at the hospital.  By then the benadryl had started to work, and they gave me a giant shot of hydrocortisone, and just like a Christmas miracle, in about 10 minutes I could breath again. 10 minutes after that I could open both my eyes completely.

I'm worn out, and feel as though I were in a fight, but ok.  This totally trashes the two events we had scheduled for today and tomorrow.  Today's because TH wont leave my side, and tomorrow due to the physicalness of the outing looks to be a wash as well.  Oh, well still tis paradise here.





 


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Another day in paradise



 This gazebo was where youngest and his bride were married.  Their wedding was lovely, simple and tearful.  Her sister's husband died last summer in a horrific car crash, and when the officiant said the words, "to death do you part" she lost it.  She stood there bravely, with tears streaming down her face, not a sound left her lips, what a stalwart girl.




don't ya worry, i'll let ya know where i be, but just not yet!

Saturday, April 13, 2013