Hello! My name is Jim

Last week I ran into one of those "friends" who are always saying, "Oh!  We should get together for lunch soon!"  So, I pushed the issue, and suggested meeting for lunch next week.  Shocked me to pieces when she "Great!"

Ever since then, the idea to come out to Ginny has been perking around in my brain.  And after a few days thought, decided that I would.  If she didn't accept me or believe me, it's really no big deal.  We only see each other occasionally.

I drove to her office, and she drove to lunch, the food sucked by the way.  I'm not a huge fan of this particular Thai restaurant.  But anyway.  We had been chatting about one thing and another on the ride over, and I'd decided that I would tell her at lunch.

After the flurry of water, menus, talking about what to order, separate plates or shared, we went separate plates.  The orders were taken, and then we were alone at the table again.

I took a big breath, held out my hand for her to shake.  She took it with a rather quizzical look on her face.  And I said, "Hello!  My name is Jim*, I'm a guy who lives inside a girl."

She had a load of questions, understandable.  But the good thing was she was totally cool with it, and seemed to totally believe me, which is always a worry for trans people.  Ginny and TH and I have been friends for quite a long while now, and of course some of her questions centered on how TH felt about my being a guy, and a gay one at that.

The funny thing was that I was totally calm about it all.  I wasn't worried nor nervous.  Still not completely sure why, only that as time as gone by, I've grown more and more comfortable with being trans.  I still have periods of sadness and grief about never being seen as who I am; I really don't foresee that going away either.  When I told her about loosing me or loosing TH, she got a sad look on her face,  I knew then that she GOT it.

*  Jim isn't my real name, yeah?

Music, music and heart strings

As a one of those rabid Apple fans, I have itunes installed and haven't bought an actual cd for years.  Now my only complaint with itunes is that their jrock music is really thin on the ground.  They also don't have a large catalog of anime music either. Y'all know I'm a huge fan of jrock (japanese rock), so when I saw that itunes was selling the newest Miyavi cd it was a very very good day indeed!  I quickly hit the buy button, and for the most part love love love the album.  There are a few of extremely slow songs that I haven't managed to make it all the way through yet.  What surprised me is how many of his songs have English words in them.  And my favorite song is only in English.  I know he loves touring in the States, so he might be trying to get a larger fan base here.  I'm hoping the next time he comes here that I can see him.
So, here is my favorite song.  I picked the video so you can make out what he's saying.  But I don't know why the poster didn't pick a more recent pic of him....shrugs shoulders.



If you are looking for something different to listen to, are past tired of the same cycle of songs that the radio plays in tight rotation, pop on over and visit my good blogger friend Lightning Baltimore. He plays stuff that never ever came close to Billboard must less the top 40. Come with an open mind, and to make things easier for you, check out his tags at the bottom of each post. He is the KING of tagging. But hey! be brave and listen to stuff outside of your comfort zone. He does love comments, even the snarky ones.  Because half of my comments are way snarky.

LIGHTNING JUKEBOX

 This Sunday, TH and I went to a graduation of a very dear girl.  We are her honorary Uncle and Auntie.  She's gone fishing with us, loves riding on the ATV with TH, went to the movies, watched loads of cartoons, shared books, baked loads of cookies, and just generally have a wonderful time when ever we are together.  When it was her turn for the Rose Ceremony, she surprised us by giving TH and I a rose.  We were so moved that she would honor us with a rose.  However smarty pants TH, figured that we would be getting a rose from her, but it took me totally by surprise. 

If you are unfamiliar with the rose ceremony, its a way for the seniors to show their appreciation to the people that have helped shape their lives.  That helped them in some way ease their way through school.  That they love.  And TH and I kinda fill all of those blanks for her. 

Let's all play nice

Sunday afternoon, Th (the husband) and I were sitting around chatting with Youngest Son, when the doorbell chimed.  TH jumped up to answer the door, it was Eldest Son, DiL (daughter in law) and the grand baby.  To say that we were stunned or shocked, would be to mild.  How about flabbergasted?

They came in, sat down and pretended that all was rainbows and sunshine.  The last time we had seen DiL was Christmas day, what a horror show that day was.  Eldest"invited" us over when DiL was gone, for a grand total of 3 times.

Have I mentioned that after months of stiff silence from Eldest, I finally found out what my crime was?  Why they turned on me so viciously?  Supposedly I was having an affair with Newleaf.  Yeah.... like that would happen.  Straight people just don't seem to get that opposite sexed people can be friends and nothing more.  What I think happened, is that DiL got suspicious, and planted the seed of doubt into my son's head.  Who proceeded to call at least 2 of his brothers, spreading the lies further into the family. 

TH dug the truth out of Youngest Son, and proceeded to set the record straight.  Youngest had questions, and TH answered all of them, as truthfully as possible.  And since then Youngest and I have been on good terms.  And I'm sure that Youngest had a hand in Eldest and family coming over Sunday.  What I think happened is that because TH told Youngest and his GF, it was ever so more believable than it would have been if it had been me that had told them.  I'm sure Youngest told Eldest the truth.

Since Sunday afternoon, I've been very unsettled, and depressed.  Yesterday it took all of my will power not to get fall down stinking drunk.  I stood in the kitchen forever with the opener in one hand and a beer in the other.

I'm floored that we are all supposed to play pretty now and bury all of the hurtful words and actions.  Like throwing away our Christmas gifts to the baby.

I'm hurt beyond belief that I'll never hear the words "I'm sorry Mom".  I need to hear those words, petty as it may seem.  I need to know that they understand how deeply they hurt me.  And the damage they inflicted on our family.

There is a part of me that doesn't want Eldest back in my life. Why? Because my time as a closeted person is drawing to a end.  I promised TH that I wouldn't physically change anything until after Third Son's wedding, nor would I come out to them.  The wedding is in July.  The girl suit stays, at least for now, but the closet is going.  I don't imagine that Eldest will deal well with me being a guy, getting him back fully into my life only to lose him again later will just be to damned hard.  I think Youngest will be ok, and will understand.  Third son will have to be told by TH.  Second son?  While living in Japan, he knew several transsexuals, M2F's and was cool with them, so I'm hoping it will be cool cool with him.  And for most of my life he has called me "dude", weird yeah?
 












 
 

Berries and Needles

My mind runs seriously at 100 mph all day long.  While tis very hard for me to get bored, its soo not a good thing for me to be bored.  I get reckless or fall into depression.  So busy is always the word of the day.  Now your definition of the word busy and mine are most likely miles apart.  As long as my brain has enough input flowing in to keep it happy, to me that is being busy.  My body can be busy, but if my brain finds the activity boring, good things never happen.

As ya all know I'm not a huge tv watcher.  However there are shows I adore.  River Monsters, and yeah I have a wee "thing" for Jeremy Wade.  Not sure what's that all about, but something about him lights me up.  Besides the whole "damn I could tap that" with Jeremy going on, the show interests me.  I love to fish, and would happily travel the world until the day I crumble into dust.  Bizarre Foods is also a fav of mine.  And except for the bugs, I would like to think I would try most of what he eats.  Most other shows I sit and watch with TH (the husband) kinda bore me, but he wants me to sit and be with him.  We really dont get to spend a great deal of time together. 

To keep me from driving TH nuts while he watches tv "with" me, I knit.  Now most shows I can knit and watch and totally keep up with both.  The knitting bleeds off the boredom and keeps TH from throttling me.  Since I'm no longer knitting for the grandbaby, I needed to find something else to knit.  While I'm happiest dressing in black, I do enjoy brightly colored socks.  I found a cool pattern that knits the socks from the toe to the cuff!  Oh, I had to give those a try.  I had a bit of an issue with the use of two pairs of circular needles at first, but then changed those stupid things out for my trusty double pointed needles and life was good again.

This first picture is the start of the heel.  If ya count closely?  I have 5, yeah count 'em 5 needles in this one wee sock!  However, one of the needles is lazy and is only holding stitches until I need 'em later.  The lazy needle is the metal cord you can see peeking out on the top right of the pic.

The finished socks.  Not perfect by any means, but for a first pair, I'm happy.

 I used to love jam, but since the world has gone to adding other sugars than just plain granulated sugar to jam, it's all to sweet and sticky for me.  While ya can buy the made with sugar jam, the price is thru the roof.  The idea of paying $8.00 or more for a wee jar of jam is just out and out painful to me.  The last time I buzzed the grocery, I picked up the supplies to make the stuff myself.  I used to can a great deal.  I used to go and help my Grandma "put up" as she termed it, jams, ketchup, tomato sauce and applesauce.  We also blanched and froze a ton of veggies each summer.  After marrying TH, I started my own garden and began to "put up" stuff for the long cold winters. 

Just a bit more than an hour and my strawberry jam was finished and sitting on my cutting board.

If your wondering how much each jar cost?  I figured around $4.50 a jar.  These jars hold 16 oz.  While there is cheaper jam out there, it tastes cheap and to me is unappetizing.  I'm thinking about making apple jelly next.  I love that on biscuits.  If I can find a good apple juice it's a go!  

A Mammoth Weekend

TH (the husband) works a schedule which gives him 4 days off one week, and 3 off the next.  And every stupid weekend its usually the same same thing, we do nothing at all.  To be honest, there is little of interest to do in our town, that we haven't already done.  There is still to much snow on the ground to go for nature walks, and to chilly really to go on long ATV rides, and there you have it.  Sigh.  So, we sit and read, rent movies and really do nothing on his weekends.  Our nerves must have been on edge cause we got into a stupid little tiff, that left both of us shouting at each other!  In the middle of the shouting TH said, "Let's go to Anchorage to the mammoth exhibit!"  While packing we still found the time to snipe at each other, talk about your multitaskers!  Within 15 minutes we were packed and out the door and on our way.  The sniping slowly died away, followed by a period of quiet, not the uncomfortable quiet that grates on ones nerves, but a happy comfortable quiet.  We chatted about one thing and another on the way to Anchorage, a 6 hour trip. 

Snowy weather on the way.

A nice meal in Anchorage.

 The Anchorage museum, this building shines and glows on a sunny day, but on this rather gloomy day, it looks gloomy as well.

A mammoth skull.  This exhibit was developed by the Chicago Field Museum, and will be touring for the next four years.  There was interactive displays and videos, along with the fossils and life size models.  What we found interesting though was how many of the fossils in the exhibit were from the University of Alaska Fairbanks, like this one.

These mammoths were huge, giant and unbelievably ginormous.  They were 14 feet at the shoulder. The pictures are grainy due to the low light levels.

After enjoying the mammoths, we visited the Alaska Native floor.  I would have gotten a better picture, but it wasnt allowed, and the entire time we were there an employee was wandering around.

All in all?  It was a great trip.  We were gone for 2.5 days, had some great laughs, great meals, and had an all around good time.  Our next four day weekend is looming up on us, I'd better start planning yeah?

Strawberry Skies

Getting out the ingredients for the marinade for char siu for steamed buns, I'm digging around in the fridge looking for the hoisin sauce.  Rats and Cats!  None to be found.  Oh well, that is one of the perks of living in town, a grocery store only 6 minutes away.  Before when we lived in "hell town" the nearest grocery was 90 minutes one way, quite a trek when you're missing one lone ingredient.  Backing out of the car, I noticed that the sun was setting, it was sinking below the low hills, lighting up the sky with the prettiest colors.

Once in the store, I take the short cut through the produce department, when my nose was seduced with the ripe and luscious smell of ripe strawberries.  Taking a detour in dairy, I snag a carton of whipping cream, strawberry shortcake I do so love thee!  At the last moment, remembering why I was in the store, one jar of hoisin joined the party.  Looking at the odd collection of items, wondering if there was any way to marry these three items, I'm a huge fan of the tv show Chopped, and now look at ingredients in an entirely new light as to what I think could/should/would meld well together.

Still wrapped up in the world of food, I'm totally stunned into stillness by the sky.  I've never seen a sky quite like this one.

The sponge cake with strawberries and cream came out wonderfully tasty!  Usually, I'm not a fan of cake, but this cake was blow my doors off good.  After finishing a bowl of it, I transcribed this recipe into my cookbook!  Yeah, it was that good.

TH (the husband) and I went out to the Sportsman Show yesterday.  We had a lot of fun, looked at stuff, bought some raffle tickets for guns, and fishing trips, saw some friends we hadnt seen in a long time, and I found my birthday gift!  A white water raft trip, which includes class V rapids!  Oh Hellz Yeah!

While out and about yesterday, I started Operation Dress by walking through the women's department, something I hadn't done since August of last year.  I started at the easy end, jeans, and ended up at the dresses and very feminine tops.  I stood there, just looking, heart beating fast,  before turning away and quickly walking away.  This may be harder for me to accomplish than I thought.  If I already had a dress, had I kept any of my girl clothing, then maybe come wedding day I could just toss the dress on, and leave the house without looking in the mirror.  But finding a dress as well as wearing it?  Wow... so my current strategy is to attempt to pretend that I'm on stage as an understudy for a woman, as in "the role of mom of the groom, will now be played by Sam".

Alien Supper

 

Life has been rather interesting here of late.  Loads of drama, and intensively busy moments, interspersed with acres of hanging time.  Let's see where to start.......

Ok, first up third son's fiancee's (aka "wife to be") mom was flown to Anchorage from her little village, and placed straight into ICU.  Her family was told, get everyone up here quickly we really don't think she will survive this. Third son drove to Anchorage, fiancee flew, and we were left babysitting their 5 month old puppy.  I had forgotten how much work was involved with a puppy around.  Between keeping him out of things, taking stuff outta his mouth, playing with him, and all the inning and outting a puppy has to do, there was little free time, or so it seemed at the time.  Also compounding this was our sleep schedules were wildly different.  Puppy goes to bed early, around 9-10 pm, and my sleepy time is around 2-3 am.  He is ready to meet the day around 7 am!  OMG!  After only a few hours of sleep, there is no way I'm ready to play, especially at 7 am!  Yikes!  Thankfully, her mom is healing and the outlook is good for her making an almost total recovery. 

Fiancee sweetly asked me this last Sunday if I had picked out my dress for the wedding yet.  So, it looks as though I'm wearing a dress after all.  Am I happy about it?  No.  Will I do it to make her and third son's day happy and stress free?  Yes!  I've become much more comfortable in my own skin lately, and am finding the triggers that upset me and cause me to lose my edges.  I'm afraid that seeing myself in a dress, the most feminine article of clothing, will knock me off balance, and erase months of hard work.

After the puppy left, I realized just how bored I've been.  So after casting around, have decided to attend our local uni starting this fall.  Not really looking for a degree, and all of my past credits have expired.  No, what I'm looking forward to is learning for the sake of learning.  I'm a human sponge when it comes to knowledge, and am actually excited about being in a classroom again.  What classes will I take?  History, art, and possibly a language.  Which one, I havent decided.  TH (the husband) and I want to visit Europe and speaking at least one of the languages before going over would sure help.  I took German in high school, and some of it is still in there rattling around, so might take that one.  French drives me nuts to listen to, so wont be taking that.  Italian is a pretty language, so thats a possibility.  

Second son received a job offer to good to turn down, and so he left the state a few days ago for the twin cities.  His wife leaves in August to begin her PH.D in linguistics in Wisconsin.  The family had a going away dinner, and Dil (daughter in law, married to eldest son) was there.  No, I wasnt allowed to play with the baby.  It could have been worse I suppose, but the fact was we just ignored each other.  Sat on opposite ends of the table, and I pretended she wasnt there.  What I did find interesting, was that third son and fiancee were also ignored by Dil, and they ignored her as well.  Youngest son told TH a few weeks ago that, "We had the best family around, until Dil came into our lives, and she broke our family."

Spring is finally here, we have water puddles everywhere.  Rotten snow banks, and the first goose was sited a few days ago.  It cant come soon enough for me.  Am now awaiting the first buds on the trees, the smell of spring in the air, and the sight once again of the ground.  Green up cant come soon enough for me.

Oh?  You're wondering about the title and the header picture?  Umm, I thought it looked like an alien being, and it was on the cutting board.  So, alien supper! 

5 on the Fifth

Hello All!  It's that time again for photo fun.  This months theme is BLUR.  I'm not a very seasoned photographer, and was having trouble getting pictures that were blurry in an artistic way.  So, decided to twist the theme into things that blur time, blur boredom, blur pain, and something that causes my happiness to blur into sad.

 I love to read!  I read when I'm happy, sad, bored, etc.  Basically I read, therefore I am.  And yeah, I do love reading history, but read from almost every genre.

 Tech, tech, TECH!  I love my computer, love my iPad, and my DS!  I also love my iphone but couldnt figure out how to add that in the photo! lol lol  I can go onto the web to look something up, and hours later wonder how on earth I went from that start point to where I'm currently at.  I use my ipad to play games, check my email, surf the web, and oh yeah...... read, shocking, isn't it?

I love to knit.  My favorite time to knit is when I'm watching tv.  Why?  Well, to tell the truth I get bored watching tv, and knitting gives my brain just enough busyness to keep me happy.  Currently working on my first pair of socks, not as tricky as I had feared, at least so far!

 Yeah, I think this one is rather obvious how it blurs me.

Loneliness.  I spend a great portion of each day alone, and for someone whose happiest having people around me, it's tough.  But unfortunately, I'm also very shy, so meeting new people is hard.

Ok, now go and visit Stephan's blog and see all the wonderful pictures!

Falling Rose Petals

I used my iphone 3, with hipstamtic app.  Dried rose petals from the Valentine's Day bouquet from TH, and window insulating film.

Our economy is really this bad?

Well, in my mistaken opinion, I had thought our economy was slowly improving.  After seeing this sign in my local Megamart, it seems that I was overly optimistic.  So, if any of y'all are looking for cute houseboys, here's your chance!  This could also be your big chance to fulfill your harem fantasy!  I was all set to pick me up a two-for-one, but sigh TH nipped that idea in the bud! 

Biki and the Pflag Meeting

The day peeked around the shades in the darkened bedroom, slowly Biki was beginning to rouse.  After floating for a while in that blissful state between awake and sleep, suddenly was ripped from that nirvana by the remembrance that today was the DAY.  Speaking in front of others day.  Speaking about being an other.  Speaking to others about being a patchwork person.

In an effort to find a way back to connect on any layer with the feminine, small things have been lately tried by Biki.  The one thing that he can get out of the house with is black fingernail polish.  For whatever reason, black is Biki's strength color.  Wearing black makes Biki feel brave, strong, and able to deal with other people without fear.  Slathering a thick coat of black on nails, grabbing the blackest shirt, black earrings, grabbing the catalog from the transgender conference, he was ready to go.

In the car, blasting The Gazette hoping to fill the worried scared crevices with head bang deliciousness, he drove to the wrong street.  Pulling into an empty parking lot, pulling out the trusty iphone, ahh ... okies not 4 Avenue, but 8th!  Still even with the unscheduled scenic route, he wasn't late.  But what's this?  No Pete?  Sigh, he couldn't make the meeting, and it was ran by Beverly.  Okies, he can deal with that.  As the meeting wandered through new business, and the old that needed to be dealt with, Beverly looked up and asked, "Any new business?"  Well crap on a damask tablecloth, Pete had forgotten to put him on the agenda.

"Umm, yeah.... I guess Pete forgot to add me to the agenda."  This was it, the moment that he was dreading.  Telling people, random people what he is, giving them the ability to see Biki for what he is.  The only thing worse than not being seen, is being seen.  Leaping off the cliff, Biki began to speak, and badly at that...sigh.....  Mixing up genders, mixing up the days, the Biki car was completely out of control.  And then to make matters worse, as if that was even possible, he realized just how out of control Biki was, he was doing the feminine.  Fluttering hands, voice climbing ever higher, tears held back only by surface tension, sitting ever smaller.

In the train wreck, the governor came off Biki's tongue and stuff started falling out of his mouth.  Things that Biki didn't intend to share started leaping out of Biki, and into the bright light of the day.  And as he slowly came to a stop, it was to dead silence.  No one knew what to say to him.  Then finally, thankfully someone asked why I didn't want to sponsor anyone younger than 18.  When Biki said, "I don't want to have to monitor them at the dance, to make sure they aren't caging drinks off of someone.  And for sure I'm not going to going to want to keep track of their bed, either if they are in it, or whose in it with them."  That loosened everyone up.  Whew!  Then of course someone HAD to mention the fact that 18 is not old enough to drink, when a voice countered with, "Yeah, of course.  But the deal is Biki wouldn't be legally responsible for any of their actions."

The meeting limped to an end then, and Biki leaped out the door, as if the hounds of IRS was after him.

Two days later at the video store, while chatting with the clerk, who is a real fun girl, some portion of Biki's brain took over, and told the her, "Hi, I'm Gill, and I'm transgender.  I'm a boy living in a girl."  She took it well, and the conversation continued, it was both a fearful thing, and a heady thing for Biki to say out loud.  Straight up, Biki needs to be more wary of his tongue in the future.

Transgender Despair, by Charles Asher

A Real Boy

Finally!

Finally, a Lady Gaga song I like! Cause really, if one can't headbang to a song, is it really music? Ok, I suppose it is, classical music this is a nod for lovely you. But, life is to short not to headbang at every and any moment, yeah??

From The Inside

Walking through my daily life, I know that no matter where I go, what I wear no one will ever mistake me for a guy.  I'm not androgynous enough looking to spark confusion, or even the hateful adjective "it" that is used when some ones sex is completely ambiguous.  


The last few weeks has seen me in an emotional tailspin, depression shadowing my every breath.  Holding back the despair, only works for brief moments at a stretch.  Clicking away with my Hipstamatic app, playing my ds game Phoenix Wright Attorney at Law, and my mind is miles away from my corporal self.  And I enter that blissful state of not having a sex or gender, and am able to enjoy life.  The bliss is short lived and all to shortly I'm slammed back into this confused whirlpool mind.  

I can't go back and live wholly as a female, that door is firmly shut.  However, life as male isn't an option either.  I stand in the hallway of gender, unable to open the door to either gender.  


The only way to describe myself is as two puzzles that have been mingled together, some of the pieces of each lost, and now the only way forward is to somehow make those two disparate pictures combine into one.  But the trick is, how?  How to keep my inner guy happy, living within a female body?  How to live always being perceived as female, seeing the feminine form in the mirror?


I've become overwhelmed with can't.  


There has to be a different way forward, a way to create a wholly new person from these pieces and parts that don't play well together.  


Being overwhelmed with can't,  I've decided to work with what I am.  My list starts at the very bedrock, hopefully as I finish the foundation of me, I'll begin to find ways to erect the framework of who I can be, rather than who I can't be.  


Who I Am.


a good person
kind
a worthwhile person
loving
generous
unique, and that's not always a bad thing
gentle 
funny




Turning down the noise of can't, squelching the all pervading strictures of society, ripping off the layers of past, I know my answer is there, within me.  I just need to listen harder.



Buddha, "Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without."

5 on the Fifth

Stephen started this wonderful idea, to show our world through the lens of a camera.  This month I used my iphone with an app called Hipstamatic, whose tag line is, "Digital Photography Never Looked So Analog".  This month the theme is lines.

lines in the snow

lines of communication

lines of photosynthesis

lines of power

lines of bamboo, dinner!

 

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

While reading around the web tonight, I came across this story coming to us from Augusta Maine.  And at first was like ho-hum the fear of the transwoman in the bathroom boogy man yet again....and then?  Ok, here is the main thrust of the story.

Fredette, a former member of the Maine Human Rights Commission who was elected for the House of Representatives in November, seeks to overturn a 2010 commission decision regarding transgender students in public schools. In September the commission opted to work with the Department of Education after the gubernatorial election to develop guidelines for how to accommodate transgender students’ use of bathroom and locker room facilities. That process has yet to unfold.

So, once again, people are fighting over letting transpeople use the correct gender bathrooms.  If we have read this once, we have read this what, a million times?  This Mr. Fredette who should know better, gets it ever so wrong.....

 The bill would add a paragraph to the Maine Human Rights Act that would make it legal to designate a bathroom or shower facility “to the use of members of the designated physiological sex, regardless of sexual orientation,” according to a draft provided by Fredette.

Sexual orientation?  Umm, what?  Does this mean that their are lesbians wanting to use the men's rooms?  Or gays who want to use the ladies?  Being transgender is not an orientation!  Sigh....

Reading into this matter futher, following the articles back into the dim reaches of the past, the next one was from eons ago... 16th of February, 2010 and this little tidbit caught my eye.

For some, including the Christian Civic League of Maine, the commission’s guidelines are “the latest outrage by radical homosexual activists” which constitute “an impossible absurdity,” according to a press release.

Cool! There are now radical homosexual activists who want to help transpeople be able to use the correct bathroom! Yippee!  It won't be long now until this entire bathroom waterloo is over!  Oh...wait.... radical homosexual activists are like the easter bunny and santa claus, right?  Well shoot!  Here I was hoping that we had some muscle in the fight, because having a RADICAL activist sounds just so awesome!

Continuing on with that same article, again our jolly little rainbow colored car runs up against the barrier of the same old argument of GLBTA wanting "special rights" that is seemingly always trotted out against any and all requests for civil rights or for protection against discrimination.

 
“That schools should take all reasonable measures against harassment is something the MSMA (Maine School Management Association ) supports and believes in,” he said. “What [the commission has] done is go beyond the issue of ‘you shall not discriminate’ to say [transgender students] will be given certain specific accommodations. Our sense is that this goes well beyond what the statute says. This is a specific policy issue that should go before the Legislature or at least through the administrative rule-making process.”

The last time I looked in a school, there were "specific accommodations" made for children who use wheelchairs, children who require steadying bars in the bathroom stalls, and for children who are special needs.  What about the specific accommodations given to school athletes?  Schools build sports fields, locker rooms, sheds for and filled with equipment, and hire coaches and the very affluent schools even have physical trainers. All of these sports "accommodations" are only used by a small percentage of the student body.  For a group of"specific" students. 

But you ask for a safe and secure place for a transgender child to use the bathroom or locker room, and suddenly all hellz breaks out.  What do they expect these children to do?  Continue using the wrong bathroom?  Oh...wait, yeah I know now, facepalm!  They want to "fix" these confused transgender students, just like they want to fix the gay and lesbian ones.  All they need to is receive Je-bus into their hearts and they will be healed from their confusion placed there by our old friend, Ol' Scratch himself!

Call me naive, but I really don't understand the worry that christians seem to have with transgender humans.  Except for the admonishment about wearing incorrect gendered clothing, I'm not aware of any biblical verse that is against transgender people, and I suspect neither do they.  That's why they fall back upon the worn out "Oh! Won't you please, think of the children!"  Except this time we are thinking about the children, trans children.

*the A at the end of GLBTA is for asexuals, they too deserve a place at our table.

Pork, Eggs, and Milk

I have this idea percolating, and I wonder if it could work.  Here's what I'm a thinking.  Remember when pork, eggs and milk were considered to be non-healthy food choices?  Even after eggs were clearly shown to have no effect on blood stream cholesterol, doctors were still wary about endorsing the eating of eggs.  What to do, what to do?  Brilliant ad-men came up with the idea of blitzing our media sources with campaigns showing us rank and files that eggs, pork and milk were all good for us!  Everyone remembers these tag lines: "The incredible, edible egg",  "Got milk?", and of course, "Pork, the other white meat."  

Now its a true hard case, that isnt moved by the sight of a pretty child.  Most all humans love children, and watching them at play, laughing, sleeping will bring a smile to the face of even the most hardened of hearts.  And I think that's the place that GLBT need to strike, with the face of children.  Read my idea for an ad campaign.  This campaign would run with separate ads for boys and girls.

You were there when he was born.

His first tooth.

That first step.

The tear laden first day of kindergarten. 

You've been there through nightmares and skinned knees,

fights with friends, sleepless "sleep overs"

and countless days of laughter and hugs.

Won't you be there for him now, when he comes to you with the scariest thing in his young life?  

This isn't something he "chose", in fact he would do anything for this not to be happening to him.  He's your son, and he's gay.  Now show him the depth of your love for him, and accept him as he is. Now more than ever, he needs you.   Don't let you son become a statistic.  If you need help in how to talk to him about being a gay teenager, please call xxx-xxx-xxxx or visit our website, www.abcdefg.org

Remnants

I hate to admit it, but TH (the husband) is right.  About what you ask?  I am changing, slowly evolving into  a different person.  I didn't realize it until my cell rang the other day, and when asked who this was, without any thought at all, I responded, Bob*.  No hesitation whatsoever.  It's the first time that I didn't say Bobbie. The first time I didn't waver around on if I wanted to say Bob, or Bobbie.

Clicking the box for female is becoming something I have to stop and think about now.  My first instinct is to mark the male box.

A blogger friend Peter, was trying to help me find something to wear to the wedding, sent me some links of possible looks for me.  Sweet guy that he is.  The first two were of nice outfits featuring trousers and jackets, but in a relaxed style.  However.....the second two were skirt outfits.  Seeing those two pictures of very feminine outfits caused a physical reaction.  I wanted to vomit.  I got shaky, and had to close those two tabs on my browser.  I'm not real sure why the outfits had that effect on me.  But since then, I've on purpose looked at skirts and dresses, with the express desire to see if the same thing would happen.  And if I'm just looking at clothing, im fine.  However, if I ask myself, could you wear this?  I get that dark pit feeling in the bottom of my stomach.  The day of wearing skirts or dresses is over for me.

As I slowly unfurl, I wonder, where this is going to end?  Will I end up under the surgeons knife with a blood stream full of testosterone transforming myself into my inner self?  Or will I be happy living a twilight existence, only being seen by people who actually know me?

I missed the last Pflag meeting, due to still being ill.  I wrote and told Pete, the president of our local Pflag, why I wasn't able to attend, and mentioned going to Boston to the transgender conference.  And some how he took a leap, and decided that I meant I wanted to talk about it to the next meeting.  So..... yeah.  The one meeting I've managed to attend, only Pete knew that I was trans.  The ladies there assumed that I'm lesbian, and keep inviting me to their dances.  So, since I'm being forced out into the open, I'm going to tell the nice ladies who keep inviting me, about my status.  If they still want me to come and help out with the snacks or whatever, I'm cool with that.  But I feel that I really should be truthful to them about why I keep turning them down.

As I expand into my true self, peeling off each layer of not me, I quake with fear.  I fear that my growth will push me from TH's arms and love.

and so it goes........



*of course Bob, Bobbie isn't my real name, but it works as a non de plume

Adrift

I'm in a real quandry about what to wear for Third Son's wedding in July.  This has been bothering me for a quite while now.  Why?  Well, I dont want to cause any hurt feelings by not dressing appropriately.  I dont want attention drawn to myself by my clothing, as the attention should be fully on the bride and groom, not some weirdly dressed mom of the groom.

I've looked at pant suits for women, and ok they are very "stuffy" and would look out of place in our fairly casual Alaskan world.  I've looked at ethnic clothing, thinking a long tunic and pants would fit the bill.  However, it all depends upon the fabric/color choice on if its seen as an outfit or as a costume.  Outfit ok, costume, so not ok.

I wore a dress to Eldest Son's wedding, in fact it was the only dress in my closet when I ditched all my girl clothing.  Third Son is very easily hurt, he really is a marshmallow of a boy.  And part of  me worries that if I dont come in a dress, his feelings might be hurt.  With all of the upheaval in our family of late, we don't need any more drama period.

And if you are wondering, no things are no better with Eldest Son and his family.  We have seen him and the Grand just once since Christmas, at his house, wife gone, but constantly texting him to see if we were gone yet.  The visit was by invitation, and both TH and I were on edge the entire time. 

Looking in my closet its bare of anything that even comes close to dressy attire.  All I own is long sleeved, primarily black long sleeved thermal shirts, and two hoodies.  The newest one  is mega funny to me, as I drink very little, usually never more than a beer with supper.

I've been going to websites featuring woman's clothing, looking for articles of clothing that straddles the crack between what I would feel comfortable wearing and what is appropriate for a beloved son's wedding.  Clicking on the pages featuring dresses, skirts and feminine tops, causes my stomach to curl up, my chest to constrict.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't see me in any of these dresses.  In my mind I'm ok with the "idea" of wearing a dress, but faced with choosing one, feels me full of dread and grief.  The idea of seeing me dressed as a female is very upsetting to me.  It's hard enough living within a feminine body, without wearing full force fem clothing.

Attempting to look androgynous, has helped me deal somewhat with finishing out my life as a woman.  But the veneer is oh so very thin, and easily cracked and broken by the most innocuous occurrences.  Pulling me under, bashing me along the rocks of what I want, and what I need, and what I'm not willing to give up, let go of.