i feel that somewhere in this crash and burn that has become my life, a vital piece of me is lost. even on my best of times now i feel.........muted.
where did i lose me? i mean really, i'm the same person that i've always been, just awake now. yeah, no more submarining for me, no more running from who i am.........who knew that waking up would cause so much angst?
stupid silly optimistic me thought this would all be an easy journey. what a fucking fool i can be at times.
in all of this.......wasteland my inner life has become there are a few brightly lit areas. i love, love, love spending time with my wee little baby girl. she is just so sweet, and perfect. funnily enough, from what my son says, she smiles bigger and more for me than anyone besides him and his lovely wife. which is mega cool.
my hubby has a friend that he has had since 5th grade, and he has became my friend as well. a few days ago i came out to him. scared doesn't describe how i felt when i was telling him. he told me at the end that he still loves me. and to him, i'm still the most awesome person he has ever met.......
i'm poised on the edge of the cliff looking down, wanting to soar away into life. but i seem to have lost how to navigate the winds.
for some reason this person seems to really need the window dressing of a male mannequin in the shop window to be open for business. do i hate my current mannequin, no. just a huge lack of attachment to it.
adrift without a course to direct me to any shore. i cant live as a male. living as a female never was any kind of a fit. so where does that leave me to live?
life as androgyne, is the closest i can come to something that sorta kinda almost fits. to pull that off though i need some sort of chart, cause i have no clue how to blend the inner and outer of me into something i can feel comfortable with.
one of my comments a while back suggested that i take vacations to somewhere occasionally to live as a man. i'm afraid if i let me out of the box totally there would be no way to hold back the surgery.....and that isn't a viable option for me now. losing my hubby is something that i cant bear to think of.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Yeah, I'm an optimist who sees a better future for lgbt
While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system. It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten. Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live. If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be necessary....as you can tell I'm idealistic. This is my rambling thoughts on things...
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and to be the best person you can be holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. After the big issues religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. Food rules is a big one, not eating something or other, or only in certain combinations, i.e. no meat and milk products at the same meal. Not having physical contact with someone of the opposite sex, Orthodox Jews and Muslims are two that come to mind where even shaking hands or being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex is considered 'wrong'. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go, but at least you are one step up from an animal!
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings, and counter to that we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead. Why? Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that we all suffer to some degree from self doubt, and many of us lack the ability to walk counter to the current flow of the current culture comfortably and happily.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. This seems to be the age when we are just finding out who we are, how we are different from our parents, and if we are alike, similar or vastly counter to our age mates. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life and afterlife. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world around them. A change that is often not dealt with well, a change that can't be absorbed easily or for many rationally, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for them, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
Many people require a larger than usual 'alike' group to surround them, and they will blindly follow their piper into acts of atrocity, and acts that counter their religion. In this group are: the people who believed Hitler's poisonous views, Stalin's backers, and how many Americans treated our native peoples, and others to numerous to list. Sadly, I have to include many large religious groups, primally the Mormons and the Southern Baptists as groups who would do anything to cleanse society of unworthies. Those that are in charge of these religions force their lgbt members to either flee from their religion and families, or to live their entire life as a lie, conforming to keep their families, and their religion. Or even sadder are the people who believe the horrible lies they hear week after week in their churches and homes about how it's counter to G-d's wishes to be lbgt, and in grief and despair take their own lives to make the pain go away.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using massive amounts of air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitude is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of the "change is bad viewpoint".
But like I said I'm an optimist who does believe/feel that civil rights and equality are very close to being within our grasp.
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and to be the best person you can be holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. After the big issues religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. Food rules is a big one, not eating something or other, or only in certain combinations, i.e. no meat and milk products at the same meal. Not having physical contact with someone of the opposite sex, Orthodox Jews and Muslims are two that come to mind where even shaking hands or being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex is considered 'wrong'. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go, but at least you are one step up from an animal!
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings, and counter to that we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead. Why? Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that we all suffer to some degree from self doubt, and many of us lack the ability to walk counter to the current flow of the current culture comfortably and happily.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. This seems to be the age when we are just finding out who we are, how we are different from our parents, and if we are alike, similar or vastly counter to our age mates. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life and afterlife. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world around them. A change that is often not dealt with well, a change that can't be absorbed easily or for many rationally, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for them, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
Many people require a larger than usual 'alike' group to surround them, and they will blindly follow their piper into acts of atrocity, and acts that counter their religion. In this group are: the people who believed Hitler's poisonous views, Stalin's backers, and how many Americans treated our native peoples, and others to numerous to list. Sadly, I have to include many large religious groups, primally the Mormons and the Southern Baptists as groups who would do anything to cleanse society of unworthies. Those that are in charge of these religions force their lgbt members to either flee from their religion and families, or to live their entire life as a lie, conforming to keep their families, and their religion. Or even sadder are the people who believe the horrible lies they hear week after week in their churches and homes about how it's counter to G-d's wishes to be lbgt, and in grief and despair take their own lives to make the pain go away.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using massive amounts of air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitude is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of the "change is bad viewpoint".
But like I said I'm an optimist who does believe/feel that civil rights and equality are very close to being within our grasp.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
despair
i've never felt this way before
empty
all i do is cry
or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake
i know that our bodies are only window dressing
but to never been seen for who i truly am
to never been seen as a man
ever
is painful
i'm at war with myself
life without my husband and children is unimaginable
that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief
i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me
in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal
bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing
but grief
my jail is my body
the key is in my hand
but to use it
would kill my heart
empty
all i do is cry
or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake
i know that our bodies are only window dressing
but to never been seen for who i truly am
to never been seen as a man
ever
is painful
i'm at war with myself
life without my husband and children is unimaginable
that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief
i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me
in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal
bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing
but grief
my jail is my body
the key is in my hand
but to use it
would kill my heart
Sunday, July 4, 2010
5 on the 5th
Well once again I'm doing the 5 on the fifth from Stephen Chapman's blog. This month the theme is "This Past Weekend" And for once I was busy on the weekend, AND had my camera, and actually took some pictures! Yeah I know shocking.
I pulled out of my closet all of the fem clothes that i didn't enjoy wearing that that weren't me. The sad thing is that three of the items pictured were never worn! Including the shoes. The other things were either worn once, or only a few times. But now they are gone! And I feel so happy to have them out of my closet, now if i could only come out as well....
My hubby's niece was getting married, so off we went to Anchorage to attend the gala event. This was a field of flowers at a lodge we stopped and had lunch at. Very scenic place, but honestly there is very little of Alaska that isn't scenic!
We ate at our favorite place for breakfast Snow City Cafe. There is always a line a mile long, and a wait for at the very least 25 minutes, and this is for breakfast! Weekend or week days, it doesn't seem to matter. They have started handing out the little buzzy blinky things that busy restaurants have, but for breakfast? Yeah, yeah I know, but the food is wonderful! They make the strawberry jam, have actual maple syrup, and enough choices to make any one happy!
And like everyone I know, while visiting Anchorage, one shops! We are in needing some new furniture, so we stopped several places to get an idea about what we wanted. I didn't get anything this time as we were traveling in my little Aveo, and yes my car is orange! Hubby was also in the need for some new clothing, so I drug him into a store and forced him to try on stuff, that shock of the world he both liked and took home!
The niece was lucky with the weather, it was extremely cloudy, but no rain! Whew! Cause let me tell you, the entire wedding party was sweating the weather. Hubby's brother was a bundle of nerves before the wedding, as he was giving his daughter away. And he was so sure he would do something wrong, or trip or he just didn't know what, but it got to be kinda funny actually. After the ceremony he calmed right down and enjoyed the party. Three of our sons and their wive/fiancee/girlfriend's came, along with the baby. We all sat at the same table and had a nice long visit. We also got to visit with family that we usually don't see very much, because they live so far from us. One way is around 8 hours, so yeah we only see them sporadically. It takes 5 hours to get to Anchorage, and yeah our state is freaking huge!
All in all it was a wonderful weekend. I'm glad we took the time to attend her wedding. Next summer we will be throwing a wedding for our 3rd son. So, these people we dont see to often will show up, and we shall have a chance to visit with them again.
Friday, June 25, 2010
R.I.P.
With the help of my therapist on Wednesday I came to the realization that the only way for me to honestly be happy was to transition. I went in and woke up TH (the husband) to tell him. I was crying and sobbing and had never been more afraid of any decision in my life. I knew it had to be done, and I was ready. Our third son is getting married next summer, and I had decided to wait until after his wedding to begin the process. But, even though I was scared of what life would be like for me, this was a step that I was ready to take.
As I laid in bed with TH, he began to fall apart, and started to cry. Since 2:30 pm Wednesday, he really hasn't stopped crying. He doesn't want to lose me, he can't live without me, his life has turned to black. No matter what I kept telling him, how I kept reassuring him, that I didn't want to leave him, that I still loved him greatly, that I would stay with him the rest of his life. And then went on to say, it was him that didn't want me in male form, and I totally and completely understood.
I started crying only a few minutes into my session with the therapist, and cried along with TH. I was grieving for my past life, worried about my future life, petrified about losing my children.....and so I cried, and kept crying, was unable to not cry. My head was going to explode, so I retreated to our darkened bedroom, and TH trailed along behind me, crying the entire way. After a few minutes, I held the sheet up to him, and told him to just strip down and get in bed with me. Scooting up so it was a full body spoon, he held me and let go with gale force tears, weeping as though his heart and been ripped out and stomped on.
My heart broke apart seeing what I had done to my very beloved TH. The only person I had ever fallen in love with. And most likely the only person I would ever love in that bone deep way. The last sounds I heart that night before falling asleep was TH crying, and shortly after he woke up, he began to cry again. We both cried almost all of yesterday, off and on.
I couldn't do this to him! For me to have hurt him so deeply is more than I can deal with. Life without my beloved TH, is not life at all! He brings joy to my heart, flavor to my day, life to my soul. And I know that even though he said I could stay, we could live together, just not as a sexual couple. In the darkest, deepest recesses of my soul, I knew he could never deal with having a male 'wife'. He is not built that way, he worries endlessly about being talked about, being pointed out, a victim of gossip. Me? I'm used to being on the outside of society, of not fitting in, of being pointed at, gossiped about, my heart and soul, had a nice hard callus to protect it from these sorts of arrows and bullets. I am the stronger of us. I am the one who trudges along through the harrowing times, supporting him, carrying him until the footing becomes firmer, and he is able to walk on his own, holding my hand for comfort. I knew that. I have always known without a single solitary doubt that I am the one who holds us together. I am his glue, his protecter, his knight in shining armor.
And so, there is only one thing to do that makes any sense at all to me. I have to man up to the situation. Put my needs behind me, stand firm and hold him up, until he can stand tall again.
Rest in peace dude, I'll miss you.
As I laid in bed with TH, he began to fall apart, and started to cry. Since 2:30 pm Wednesday, he really hasn't stopped crying. He doesn't want to lose me, he can't live without me, his life has turned to black. No matter what I kept telling him, how I kept reassuring him, that I didn't want to leave him, that I still loved him greatly, that I would stay with him the rest of his life. And then went on to say, it was him that didn't want me in male form, and I totally and completely understood.
And so, there is only one thing to do that makes any sense at all to me. I have to man up to the situation. Put my needs behind me, stand firm and hold him up, until he can stand tall again.
Leaving me feeling as though I have killed, me. How do I feel about this? Numb. In shock. Grieving for the man I almost got to be. No beard, no hairy male chest, no penis................. He will have to live in my dreams, as he has my entire life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
tick........tick......tick...tick..tick.tick
I'm beginning to wonder if my time in this female body is ticking down. I've been experiencing "The Dream" in which I'm male, more often than before. They are also more vivid, to the point of leaving me ever further adrift from my physical self. This is my most recent one.
In my dream, I'm sleeping and an itch bothers me to the point of waking me up. I run my hand under the tee shirt, and start to scratch my chest which is where the itch is so very intense. What my hand encounters is a male chest, covered in hair, and quite muscular. The feel of the chest hair, the firmness of the pectoral muscles, must have intruded into my dream to the point it woke me up.
I opened my eyes on the very room I was dreaming in, with my lightly snoring TH beside me. Confused, shocked, panicked and elated, I ran my hand underneath my tee shirt, the same one in my dream as well, only to find my usual female self. But all day, the feeling of that chest hair lingered on my fingertips. The different contours of male and female chests also kept pinging away at the back of my mind. The only way I could fall asleep was with my hand inside of my tee shirt, against the skin of my chest.
January 4th marked my awaking day. I awoke to my true self. No more hiding, no more running, coming face to face with who I honestly am. At first my feeling was on of pure joy! I felt free, easy within my physical self that had only occurred a very few times in my life. That joy quickly began to leak, and drain away, as it became clearer and clearer to me, that one never receives any gift that doesn't come with a price. My price for understanding who and what I truly am? The slow melting away of my marriage.
Trying to figure out how to cram two genders into one body, happily is something that I'm currently working on, and so far miserably failing at. Yes, it's early roads yet, and don't really expect to be able to pull off this transformation overnight. I do believe that the eldest son and the second son are worried about me. To the point where son #2, is texting more of late than he had in over 6 months previously. He's inviting me out to lunch, and taking me along on his hunt for a new car. Tonight son # 2 and wife caught me crying, I told a lie about the tears being due to a massive headache, left over from the shellfish reaction. Did they buy it? I'm not sure. Son #1 and wife are bringing the baby over more often for me to hold and play with her.
TH has pulled so very far away from me, that when I take his hand when we are out together, he hesitates for a brief moment before he wraps his hand around mine. And now if I want to hold hands I have to initiate it. The same with hugs. Kisses? Wow, it's been so long since we last kissed, I'm not sure clearly when that was.......
Do I find a way to stuff away my inner self, kill "him" as it were, and try to find my old footing? Go it alone into a scary world of transitioning, and possibly losing my children in the process? Because for sure TH will be out of my life, he refuses to live with me if my female body is shed. Now that I'm awake, can I go back to sleep again? Now that "he" has stretched and been allowed out of his cocoon, is there any going back? Could there be a way of convincing TH to stay, if I start hormones and have top surgery? If my genitals don't change, could he learn to love me with a hairy male chest, and a face that has to be shaved? These questions keep swirling around inside my head on a non-stop loop, that is invading my sleep, and keeping me poised on the edge of depression. I quiet the questions, the fears, the desires for only days at a time, before they come rushing back to overwhelm me again.
What is it that we really fall in love with anyway, their soul, heart and mind, or only their fleshy outer coat? If love is only skin deep, is it love, or something much shallower? Thinking over it, what would happen if the roles were reversed? That TH came home wanting to transition into a female, could I adapt to that? Honestly I have no hard and pure answers to that question. I would hope that I would try to adapt, but unless I'm put in this position, knowing the truth of my response is impossible.
So, I wait, and hope. For what? I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for any longer, but at least my hope is still flickering inside. And surely that's a good thing, yeah?
In my dream, I'm sleeping and an itch bothers me to the point of waking me up. I run my hand under the tee shirt, and start to scratch my chest which is where the itch is so very intense. What my hand encounters is a male chest, covered in hair, and quite muscular. The feel of the chest hair, the firmness of the pectoral muscles, must have intruded into my dream to the point it woke me up.
I opened my eyes on the very room I was dreaming in, with my lightly snoring TH beside me. Confused, shocked, panicked and elated, I ran my hand underneath my tee shirt, the same one in my dream as well, only to find my usual female self. But all day, the feeling of that chest hair lingered on my fingertips. The different contours of male and female chests also kept pinging away at the back of my mind. The only way I could fall asleep was with my hand inside of my tee shirt, against the skin of my chest.
January 4th marked my awaking day. I awoke to my true self. No more hiding, no more running, coming face to face with who I honestly am. At first my feeling was on of pure joy! I felt free, easy within my physical self that had only occurred a very few times in my life. That joy quickly began to leak, and drain away, as it became clearer and clearer to me, that one never receives any gift that doesn't come with a price. My price for understanding who and what I truly am? The slow melting away of my marriage.
Trying to figure out how to cram two genders into one body, happily is something that I'm currently working on, and so far miserably failing at. Yes, it's early roads yet, and don't really expect to be able to pull off this transformation overnight. I do believe that the eldest son and the second son are worried about me. To the point where son #2, is texting more of late than he had in over 6 months previously. He's inviting me out to lunch, and taking me along on his hunt for a new car. Tonight son # 2 and wife caught me crying, I told a lie about the tears being due to a massive headache, left over from the shellfish reaction. Did they buy it? I'm not sure. Son #1 and wife are bringing the baby over more often for me to hold and play with her.
TH has pulled so very far away from me, that when I take his hand when we are out together, he hesitates for a brief moment before he wraps his hand around mine. And now if I want to hold hands I have to initiate it. The same with hugs. Kisses? Wow, it's been so long since we last kissed, I'm not sure clearly when that was.......
Do I find a way to stuff away my inner self, kill "him" as it were, and try to find my old footing? Go it alone into a scary world of transitioning, and possibly losing my children in the process? Because for sure TH will be out of my life, he refuses to live with me if my female body is shed. Now that I'm awake, can I go back to sleep again? Now that "he" has stretched and been allowed out of his cocoon, is there any going back? Could there be a way of convincing TH to stay, if I start hormones and have top surgery? If my genitals don't change, could he learn to love me with a hairy male chest, and a face that has to be shaved? These questions keep swirling around inside my head on a non-stop loop, that is invading my sleep, and keeping me poised on the edge of depression. I quiet the questions, the fears, the desires for only days at a time, before they come rushing back to overwhelm me again.
What is it that we really fall in love with anyway, their soul, heart and mind, or only their fleshy outer coat? If love is only skin deep, is it love, or something much shallower? Thinking over it, what would happen if the roles were reversed? That TH came home wanting to transition into a female, could I adapt to that? Honestly I have no hard and pure answers to that question. I would hope that I would try to adapt, but unless I'm put in this position, knowing the truth of my response is impossible.
So, I wait, and hope. For what? I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for any longer, but at least my hope is still flickering inside. And surely that's a good thing, yeah?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
bleech!
Tuesday I made scallops and clams, and had a hellz of a huge allergic reaction to them, including for the first time in my life, a case of hives.....yeah so not pleasant. I thought if only i could scratch my skin off things would be ever so much betters. The only thing i did enjoy about the whole over blown reaction was this wonderful floaty feeling of drunkness, now that was nice! However the stuff they gave me, Benadryl makes me feel like something the cat drug in and the dog took back out and buried.....sigh. Still on the mend i guess. Hope this cruddy feeling passes soon, cause I'm way trashed and flat from all of the benadryls.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
just so very awesome
I want to thank all of your for your very awesome support. How I would have managed without your words of wisdom, hugs and long chats, I shudder to think about how much worse it would have been.
And no, things are no better, as a matter of fact in several areas they are much much worse........
So, yeah nothing new here, just a thanks.
And no, things are no better, as a matter of fact in several areas they are much much worse........
So, yeah nothing new here, just a thanks.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
5 on the fifth
I've been trying to write a post for a few days now, and i just sit and look at the little blinking curser. Still depressed, but doing better. Had my first session with a therapist on Wednesday, so we shall see if this helps. I sure hope so, cause the boys are noticing, and my depression is so bad it's showing up in photos.....
So, am going to post this instead....
So, am going to post this instead....
This month is about journeys.....
The just finished journey from winter into spring. This was 3 days ago.
Have shoes will travel.
A mind journey.
A journey of self discovery.
A journey into life, my grand daughter!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
empty
i'm tired of feeling guilty, it's not my fault this has surfaced.
but all i hear is "you're not the same"
"things are different between us, and I hate it"
"why are you sad all the time?"
fuck
but all i hear is "you're not the same"
"things are different between us, and I hate it"
"why are you sad all the time?"
fuck
Monday, May 24, 2010
My trans life
I must have been around 5-ish or so when I first had "The Dream", at least that I remember, and yes that's how I have always thought of it. My dreams have always been very vivid, but soon after awaking they fade away, but many of The Dream's have remained in my mind, clear and bright even years later.
In this first dream I remember playing and riding my bike, a skill newly learned that summer, and somewhere along the dream I realize that while it's me, I'm in fact a boy. My dream self is running and jumping into puddles happy as can be. I awoke with an urgent need to pee, and ran to the bathroom as fast as possible. Slamming the bathroom door shut, pulling down my pj's bottoms, I stood in front of the toilet and was confused thinking, "Where is my penis?" But the need to pee over rode much thought, and quickly turned around and sat down to pee. All day long I felt off kilter, and was confused every time I went to the bathroom. I have had these dreams ever since, when I was younger they were much more frequent, and as I have aged my dream boy self has aged along with me.
I have always been told to stand like a girl, sit like a girl, act like a girl, talk like a girl, which always confused me to the point of not knowing how to act in any given situation.
While I was taught to do all the normal girl stuff, cooking and sewing and the like, every minute possible was spent outside running around, normally with my trusty iron steed, my bike. I was forever falling off stuff, over stuff, out of things, up things, and more normally down stuff. I loved burning ants with a magnifying glass, catching bees in a jar and shaking it to see them get all angry. Yeah, I never claimed to be very smart….., and yeah I did let them out on occasion getting stung every single time, again me being a kid. We lived in apartment complexes and while there were girls around, to be honest I only really ever played with the boys. Football was my favorite sport. It combined several of my most loved activities, running, knocking people down, and mud, mud, mud! If I could still see the color of what I had on, it wasn't a good game for me. I never wanted to control the ball, nah that was boring. I was fearless and no matter the size of the boy I would run at them full tilt, rarely failing to ground them.
Now I had a cousin that I was very close too, he was 15 months younger than me, but he was always bigger and taller than me. Time has passed and I'm around 12 now, and my crazy mom has dumped me off on my aunt and uncle for the summer, which was fine by me! And one fine day, the cousin and I were out with a gang of boys, and Cuz said something that angered me, quicker than quick he was on the ground with me sitting on his chest slapping his face. Well, needless to say that caused him to lose face among the neighborhood boys, he was so furious with me that we didn't speak for a few days. Each day I'm getting madder and madder at him, because the local boys are siding with my Cuz and I'm left alone with nothing to do. One afternoon I over hear them planning a cow pie fight, which was one of my favorite things ever! So, I decide to swallow my pride and apologize, grovel if need be, anything that will allow me to be included in the fun.
I know if the apology is in front of everyone it will been seen as having learned my lesson, so I swallow that humble pie and out I go to grovel and be allowed back in their good graces. I go out. I laid it on thick, and deep. Made him the good guy. I was the villain. He just looked at me and said, "You just don't get it. You are a girl. Go do girl stuff, I'm tired of you hanging around." After sputtering around for a bit, he repeated himself to me in no uncertain terms, "You. Are. A. Girl. Go away."
I was hurt and devastated to say the least. Things did improve between us before the summer was over, but I had to be invited along, no longer was it just accepted that I could tag along. And I was often left at home.
School would be starting soon, and so it was back home to live again. One day I woke up and felt rather odd and icky, but went to school anyway. As the day progressed I couldn't figure out why I felt so weird, but shrugged it off and continued on. By the time school ended I had an upset stomach and felt just icky. I go to the bathroom and there is blood… at first I thought I was dying. And then I remembered the school nurse taking the girls aside and telling them the facts of life. While she was explaining things to them I wondered why I was in there with them. This had nothing to do with me, so why was I included?
And then it dawned on me, my Cuz was right, I am a girl, and my life tilted completely out of balance. Massive amounts of tears, and large scale grief, and dark black days of depression. I had no frame of reference, nothing to hang on to. I was a girl, a girl? How on earth did that happen, and when? I pulled away from the kids at school and started skipping a lot of days, my life was adrift on a sea of uncertainty. It seemed that month by month my body was changing, and there was no way to stop it, and I hated every single change. Boys wouldn't let me play with them any longer, and I had nothing in common with the girls, they lived in a alternate world without a guide book.
I'm now 15 and my home life has completely spun out of control. My mother is going through a very long, unbroken spell of crazy. She is beating me a great deal and the mental abuse is crushing. I have somehow become the parent/adult in the house. Its my job to take the $8.00 and go and by food for the week. My job to cook, clean, wash and iron, check the mail, and remind her to pay the bills. And at night many times after her losing complete control of her anger and beating me, she pleads from her bedroom for me to come in a tuck her in….and don't forget to turn on the nightlight…
This is also the year that I realize that I have something that boys want, my body. Still not reconciled to being a girl, it's a rather nice feeling to have someone want that part of me. I work on the weekends as a busboy, my mom was a waitress at the private club. Now one of the cooks sees how my mom treats me in front of everyone, and he is very sweet to me, and I'm desperate for a kind word, a nice gesture. One thing leads to another, and the innocent that I was, he got my clothes off me, praised my beauty and starting having sex with me. I panicked and tried to get him to quit. Stop! So, my first time was forced, what a lovely way to lose ones virginity, huh? He came back several times, and I was conflicted about it. I loved being held, and being told I was pretty, and being touched that didn't involve pain. But the sex I really didn't want, and didn't like, and I always tried to make him stop, and he never would.
The sex, the abuse from my mom, the girl body became more than I could bear, and it opened up a dark well inside of me. I started drinking, and hanging around older guys, and if they would get me drunk or high I would have sex with them. It wasn't me they were having sex with, it was my body, which wasn't me at all. I stopped eating and at one point weighted around 86 pounds. I truly didn't care if I lived or died. I had nothing to live for. And then one day I woke up in the next town, with people I didn't know, naked. I called my Angel Uncle and he came and got me, no questions asked. From that day on, I started cleaning up my life. I had decided that living for me, was enough to live for.
And I started trying to be more girlish, and started wearing much more feminine clothing and trying out makeup. I have made it out of the house only a few times in my entire life with lipstick on. I apply it, and then at the last moment run and wipe it off, for whatever reason that is just one thing I can't manage to reconcile myself to wearing.
The only time I have really enjoyed and loved my girl body is when I was building babies. But those years were very short lived, and it was back to hating my body. To explain the extreme disconnect between me and my body, I looked in the mirror as little as possible. I was often surprised when reflections from oddly placed mirrors in stores and businesses turned out to be me. It always took me a few minutes to recognize that reflection as myself, well it still does. I've stopped avoiding mirrors lately, but am still surprised by what I see, but at least I understand why I have these feelings.
Since my coming out birthday in January, I have done a great deal of soul searching, and have made a few discoveries. If I could, I would transition, no doubt about it. Hormones, top surgery, and metoidioplasty. However, I can see no way at all of doing so without losing what I have worked so hard at building, a family. They might accept my status as transgendered, but I sincerely know they would never accept me in a male form. And my husband has made it very clear, that changing the girl package is not something he would accept. So, keep the girl body, keep my husband and my adult sons, and lose myself. Or gain myself by transitioning, and lose husband and sons….
So the disconnect between what I am and what I see will continue forever, or until I just can't stand it any longer. Right now I'm really having issues with the realization that there is no way for me to transition. And every single time I'm perceived as female, it hurts. I'm ok with having to live this way one moment and then crashingly despondent with the knowledge this is who I will be forever. I will never have a chance to be the real and true me. My image will never reflect who I really am, and that is hard for me to cope with.
Here I stand, on a fence, the grass is greener on both sides, and sides are filled with grief. No matter what I chose, I lose.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metoidioplasty
In this first dream I remember playing and riding my bike, a skill newly learned that summer, and somewhere along the dream I realize that while it's me, I'm in fact a boy. My dream self is running and jumping into puddles happy as can be. I awoke with an urgent need to pee, and ran to the bathroom as fast as possible. Slamming the bathroom door shut, pulling down my pj's bottoms, I stood in front of the toilet and was confused thinking, "Where is my penis?" But the need to pee over rode much thought, and quickly turned around and sat down to pee. All day long I felt off kilter, and was confused every time I went to the bathroom. I have had these dreams ever since, when I was younger they were much more frequent, and as I have aged my dream boy self has aged along with me.
I have always been told to stand like a girl, sit like a girl, act like a girl, talk like a girl, which always confused me to the point of not knowing how to act in any given situation.
While I was taught to do all the normal girl stuff, cooking and sewing and the like, every minute possible was spent outside running around, normally with my trusty iron steed, my bike. I was forever falling off stuff, over stuff, out of things, up things, and more normally down stuff. I loved burning ants with a magnifying glass, catching bees in a jar and shaking it to see them get all angry. Yeah, I never claimed to be very smart….., and yeah I did let them out on occasion getting stung every single time, again me being a kid. We lived in apartment complexes and while there were girls around, to be honest I only really ever played with the boys. Football was my favorite sport. It combined several of my most loved activities, running, knocking people down, and mud, mud, mud! If I could still see the color of what I had on, it wasn't a good game for me. I never wanted to control the ball, nah that was boring. I was fearless and no matter the size of the boy I would run at them full tilt, rarely failing to ground them.
Now I had a cousin that I was very close too, he was 15 months younger than me, but he was always bigger and taller than me. Time has passed and I'm around 12 now, and my crazy mom has dumped me off on my aunt and uncle for the summer, which was fine by me! And one fine day, the cousin and I were out with a gang of boys, and Cuz said something that angered me, quicker than quick he was on the ground with me sitting on his chest slapping his face. Well, needless to say that caused him to lose face among the neighborhood boys, he was so furious with me that we didn't speak for a few days. Each day I'm getting madder and madder at him, because the local boys are siding with my Cuz and I'm left alone with nothing to do. One afternoon I over hear them planning a cow pie fight, which was one of my favorite things ever! So, I decide to swallow my pride and apologize, grovel if need be, anything that will allow me to be included in the fun.
I know if the apology is in front of everyone it will been seen as having learned my lesson, so I swallow that humble pie and out I go to grovel and be allowed back in their good graces. I go out. I laid it on thick, and deep. Made him the good guy. I was the villain. He just looked at me and said, "You just don't get it. You are a girl. Go do girl stuff, I'm tired of you hanging around." After sputtering around for a bit, he repeated himself to me in no uncertain terms, "You. Are. A. Girl. Go away."
I was hurt and devastated to say the least. Things did improve between us before the summer was over, but I had to be invited along, no longer was it just accepted that I could tag along. And I was often left at home.
School would be starting soon, and so it was back home to live again. One day I woke up and felt rather odd and icky, but went to school anyway. As the day progressed I couldn't figure out why I felt so weird, but shrugged it off and continued on. By the time school ended I had an upset stomach and felt just icky. I go to the bathroom and there is blood… at first I thought I was dying. And then I remembered the school nurse taking the girls aside and telling them the facts of life. While she was explaining things to them I wondered why I was in there with them. This had nothing to do with me, so why was I included?
And then it dawned on me, my Cuz was right, I am a girl, and my life tilted completely out of balance. Massive amounts of tears, and large scale grief, and dark black days of depression. I had no frame of reference, nothing to hang on to. I was a girl, a girl? How on earth did that happen, and when? I pulled away from the kids at school and started skipping a lot of days, my life was adrift on a sea of uncertainty. It seemed that month by month my body was changing, and there was no way to stop it, and I hated every single change. Boys wouldn't let me play with them any longer, and I had nothing in common with the girls, they lived in a alternate world without a guide book.
I'm now 15 and my home life has completely spun out of control. My mother is going through a very long, unbroken spell of crazy. She is beating me a great deal and the mental abuse is crushing. I have somehow become the parent/adult in the house. Its my job to take the $8.00 and go and by food for the week. My job to cook, clean, wash and iron, check the mail, and remind her to pay the bills. And at night many times after her losing complete control of her anger and beating me, she pleads from her bedroom for me to come in a tuck her in….and don't forget to turn on the nightlight…
This is also the year that I realize that I have something that boys want, my body. Still not reconciled to being a girl, it's a rather nice feeling to have someone want that part of me. I work on the weekends as a busboy, my mom was a waitress at the private club. Now one of the cooks sees how my mom treats me in front of everyone, and he is very sweet to me, and I'm desperate for a kind word, a nice gesture. One thing leads to another, and the innocent that I was, he got my clothes off me, praised my beauty and starting having sex with me. I panicked and tried to get him to quit. Stop! So, my first time was forced, what a lovely way to lose ones virginity, huh? He came back several times, and I was conflicted about it. I loved being held, and being told I was pretty, and being touched that didn't involve pain. But the sex I really didn't want, and didn't like, and I always tried to make him stop, and he never would.
The sex, the abuse from my mom, the girl body became more than I could bear, and it opened up a dark well inside of me. I started drinking, and hanging around older guys, and if they would get me drunk or high I would have sex with them. It wasn't me they were having sex with, it was my body, which wasn't me at all. I stopped eating and at one point weighted around 86 pounds. I truly didn't care if I lived or died. I had nothing to live for. And then one day I woke up in the next town, with people I didn't know, naked. I called my Angel Uncle and he came and got me, no questions asked. From that day on, I started cleaning up my life. I had decided that living for me, was enough to live for.
And I started trying to be more girlish, and started wearing much more feminine clothing and trying out makeup. I have made it out of the house only a few times in my entire life with lipstick on. I apply it, and then at the last moment run and wipe it off, for whatever reason that is just one thing I can't manage to reconcile myself to wearing.
The only time I have really enjoyed and loved my girl body is when I was building babies. But those years were very short lived, and it was back to hating my body. To explain the extreme disconnect between me and my body, I looked in the mirror as little as possible. I was often surprised when reflections from oddly placed mirrors in stores and businesses turned out to be me. It always took me a few minutes to recognize that reflection as myself, well it still does. I've stopped avoiding mirrors lately, but am still surprised by what I see, but at least I understand why I have these feelings.
Since my coming out birthday in January, I have done a great deal of soul searching, and have made a few discoveries. If I could, I would transition, no doubt about it. Hormones, top surgery, and metoidioplasty. However, I can see no way at all of doing so without losing what I have worked so hard at building, a family. They might accept my status as transgendered, but I sincerely know they would never accept me in a male form. And my husband has made it very clear, that changing the girl package is not something he would accept. So, keep the girl body, keep my husband and my adult sons, and lose myself. Or gain myself by transitioning, and lose husband and sons….
So the disconnect between what I am and what I see will continue forever, or until I just can't stand it any longer. Right now I'm really having issues with the realization that there is no way for me to transition. And every single time I'm perceived as female, it hurts. I'm ok with having to live this way one moment and then crashingly despondent with the knowledge this is who I will be forever. I will never have a chance to be the real and true me. My image will never reflect who I really am, and that is hard for me to cope with.
Here I stand, on a fence, the grass is greener on both sides, and sides are filled with grief. No matter what I chose, I lose.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metoidioplasty
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
And now for something completely different
Well, quite a lot has happened since I last posted. And it has all been good, well there is a new development that is weird and yet very amusing to me......
A few days after my last post, and yeah that's as close as I can get reckoning time is something that is a total fail for me, I was sitting on the sofa playing pokemon. Yes, I'm still addicted to it..... Anyway, TH was sitting at the table reading a magazine when this conversation took place.
TH: Hey dearest? I wanna talk to you about something. I'm sorry, if it wasn't for me and the boys you could have the surgery and live as a guy. I feel really badly that once again I'm keeping you from what you want.
At this point you could have knocked me over with a breath! To say I was shocked and surprised is way to tame for the way I was thinking.
me: It's not your fault. You married a girl and expected that wouldn't change.
TH: Yeah. But it's still not fair for you.
me: It's ok. I knew that there was no way for me to transition, and still keep my life intact.
TH: So what are you going to do?
me: Umm, I don't know yet.
TH: Well, I do still love you. I'm just not so good at showing it at times.
And since that day, things have been much much easier between us. He hasn't made any wise cracks about what I'm doing or wearing since that day, so maybe we are really over that hump and life can settle down for us both.
I'm so happy that our marriage might come out of this turmoil intact, Y A Y! ! ! ! !
Ok, now on with the weird and funny development.......I keep getting the "look" from women! In fact one lady was flat out flirting with me, and because thats something new for me I didn't notice, TH pointed it out and he found it to be hysterical, and teased me on and off all day about it.
TH: My wife the chick magnet!
Today while on a grocery run, I noticed getting several the "looks" so I guess I now look "butchy" and am attractive to that portion of our society. Hmm, well at least I'm going in the right direction, yeah?
The last few days, for whatever reason, I seem to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I'm still working thru the whole clothing thing, and grooming is a whole different issue. To shave or not? I'm going with yeah because it grosses most people out for women to keep their legs and underarms hairy. But truthfully I would much rather not. But it is shorts season, soo.......
I can't remember being this happy in a really long time. It's nice to finally have some inner peace. I just hope it doesn't evaporate....
A few days after my last post, and yeah that's as close as I can get reckoning time is something that is a total fail for me, I was sitting on the sofa playing pokemon. Yes, I'm still addicted to it..... Anyway, TH was sitting at the table reading a magazine when this conversation took place.
TH: Hey dearest? I wanna talk to you about something. I'm sorry, if it wasn't for me and the boys you could have the surgery and live as a guy. I feel really badly that once again I'm keeping you from what you want.
At this point you could have knocked me over with a breath! To say I was shocked and surprised is way to tame for the way I was thinking.
me: It's not your fault. You married a girl and expected that wouldn't change.
TH: Yeah. But it's still not fair for you.
me: It's ok. I knew that there was no way for me to transition, and still keep my life intact.
TH: So what are you going to do?
me: Umm, I don't know yet.
TH: Well, I do still love you. I'm just not so good at showing it at times.
And since that day, things have been much much easier between us. He hasn't made any wise cracks about what I'm doing or wearing since that day, so maybe we are really over that hump and life can settle down for us both.
I'm so happy that our marriage might come out of this turmoil intact, Y A Y! ! ! ! !
Ok, now on with the weird and funny development.......I keep getting the "look" from women! In fact one lady was flat out flirting with me, and because thats something new for me I didn't notice, TH pointed it out and he found it to be hysterical, and teased me on and off all day about it.
TH: My wife the chick magnet!
Today while on a grocery run, I noticed getting several the "looks" so I guess I now look "butchy" and am attractive to that portion of our society. Hmm, well at least I'm going in the right direction, yeah?
The last few days, for whatever reason, I seem to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I'm still working thru the whole clothing thing, and grooming is a whole different issue. To shave or not? I'm going with yeah because it grosses most people out for women to keep their legs and underarms hairy. But truthfully I would much rather not. But it is shorts season, soo.......
I can't remember being this happy in a really long time. It's nice to finally have some inner peace. I just hope it doesn't evaporate....
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A quick note from Ethan
Hey Everyone
It's Ethan from Slowly Coming Out so as you have noticed I have shut down my blog. I know you are wondering why and what happened and I understand but I'm not going to say what expect that I'm in trouble and praying things get better. No nothing life threating just some dumb stuff is all.
No drugs either. The reason that I have closed my blog is b/c I will not have my computer for a long time (2-3 weeks) so I decided to have it shut down. I will be back (hopefully) until then I will try to read everyone's blog posts when I can but don't expect it to be anyway soon.
Take care and Much Love,
Ethan
It's Ethan from Slowly Coming Out so as you have noticed I have shut down my blog. I know you are wondering why and what happened and I understand but I'm not going to say what expect that I'm in trouble and praying things get better. No nothing life threating just some dumb stuff is all.
No drugs either. The reason that I have closed my blog is b/c I will not have my computer for a long time (2-3 weeks) so I decided to have it shut down. I will be back (hopefully) until then I will try to read everyone's blog posts when I can but don't expect it to be anyway soon.
Take care and Much Love,
Ethan
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Stepping Stones
TH came home the other day, after a day out on his ATV with the youngest, and it had honestly been one of those days of nothing but tears. As he came in he instantly noticed my somber mood, and we had this conversation:
TH: What's wrong? Are you mad at me? (he thought i was mad at him for being gone all day)
me: No.
TH: I feel bad that I was gone all day. You're not mad about it, are you?
me: No, I'm glad you got to get out and have muddy fun.
TH: Then whats wrong? Has the daughter in law being a pain again today?
me: No, she's still at work.
TH: Well somethings wrong, tell me what it is.
(our son was home, in his room, but still in the house, so I really didn't want to say what I was upset about)
me: Just the usual stuff
TH: What stuff?
me: The same stuff since December.
TH: I must be stupid today, cause I have no idea what your talking about.
me: Trans stuff
TH: You're always so sad anymore. I hate it.
me: I have a lot to work through. You're just going to have to give me the room to be upset while I work through all of this.
TH: I just want you to be happy again, that's all.
me: Then let me be sad, don't make me hide my feelings to make you feel better, ok?
TH: It'll be hard, but I'll try.
So, at least I finally got him to "allow" me the space to work through stuff and to be upset and not have to glue a fake smile on. This is such a relief. Since our little talk he has been much more understanding of me being sad. He's offering his lap for me to sit on and cuddle me again. It's been a while since that was offered. I think it's a two steps forward, one step back thing with TH. As long as he's working on it, that's all that really matters, yeah?
I would love to alter my body to reflect my male and female sides, and to dress accordingly. But, have come to the sad conclusion that the only way that will happen is to lose my family and they are much more important to me that my outer shell.
Now for my next trick is how to find my happiness again. How to live happily in and with a body that doesn't fit well, and that I've never been very happy with. We shall see......
TH: What's wrong? Are you mad at me? (he thought i was mad at him for being gone all day)
me: No.
TH: I feel bad that I was gone all day. You're not mad about it, are you?
me: No, I'm glad you got to get out and have muddy fun.
TH: Then whats wrong? Has the daughter in law being a pain again today?
me: No, she's still at work.
TH: Well somethings wrong, tell me what it is.
(our son was home, in his room, but still in the house, so I really didn't want to say what I was upset about)
me: Just the usual stuff
TH: What stuff?
me: The same stuff since December.
TH: I must be stupid today, cause I have no idea what your talking about.
me: Trans stuff
TH: You're always so sad anymore. I hate it.
me: I have a lot to work through. You're just going to have to give me the room to be upset while I work through all of this.
TH: I just want you to be happy again, that's all.
me: Then let me be sad, don't make me hide my feelings to make you feel better, ok?
TH: It'll be hard, but I'll try.
So, at least I finally got him to "allow" me the space to work through stuff and to be upset and not have to glue a fake smile on. This is such a relief. Since our little talk he has been much more understanding of me being sad. He's offering his lap for me to sit on and cuddle me again. It's been a while since that was offered. I think it's a two steps forward, one step back thing with TH. As long as he's working on it, that's all that really matters, yeah?
I would love to alter my body to reflect my male and female sides, and to dress accordingly. But, have come to the sad conclusion that the only way that will happen is to lose my family and they are much more important to me that my outer shell.
Now for my next trick is how to find my happiness again. How to live happily in and with a body that doesn't fit well, and that I've never been very happy with. We shall see......
Friday, May 7, 2010
Strangled By My Own Rope
Many, many times I find myself wishing that I had never read that post and discovered my transgendered self. To say that I have been unhappy would be the understatement of the year. I no longer know who I am, what I want, or how to go about blending my "old" self with my "new" self.
Life with T.H. is strained to say the least. Any time that I'm not happy and bubbly, which used to be my norm, he complains about how unhappy I've been ever since and he doesn't see how it helped me at all.....this self discovery of mine.
I have periods of being happy, and then it's like a huge crushing weight smashes into me. And all I can do is cry. I can't sleep, my appetite is suppressed, and all I want to do is watch tv, which is a sure sign I'm depressed.
Sure the knowledge makes sense of my past life and actions, a joy in itself. But that leaves me afloat with nothing to hold onto, every thing seems awkward and off kilter. I have no fucking idea how to continue on from here.
The funny thing, now that my mind is aware is how much of me I have repressed over the years. I remember when puberty brought breasts to my chest how devastated I was, and how mad I was that my cousin was right, I was a girl. I don't think I truly ever believed before then. I think it was then that I started to submarine myself, from myself. By the time I got to college I was wearing mostly female clothing, and trying so hard to fit in with the girls in my dorm, a feat I never really ever managed.
Now that I have embraced my true self, one good thing has happened. I no longer avoid mirrors. I can look in the mirror at me. I still don't think I'm very attractive, but w/e, that's not the point. It's the fact that I know now why the mirror has always bothered me, it reflects a girl and not the boy it should be.
Androgyne me, I think is what was caused by socialization. I think that transexual is really a better fit. Because if possible I would jettison this girl shell, it has served its purpose, and gave me four of the most wonderful sons ever.
And I think that is the root of my trouble, I want to change, but see no way of doing so. T.H. has told me any surgery is a deal breaker, the end of our marriage. No, I'm not mad at him for feeling that way, but it does hurt. I'm sitting looking at the scary thought of wondering if I'm no longer in love with T.H. He's really not on board with all of this, and it has caused a gulf between us. He agrees that yes, it does make sense, it explains why I'm so different from the usual female. A fence, a wall, a moat divides that point of his understanding from the whole rest of me. He's not prepared to travel any further, and has dug in his heels. Willfully? idk tbh
Strangled by my own rope of understanding me, and the more I wiggle and squirm the more it strangles me.
Life with T.H. is strained to say the least. Any time that I'm not happy and bubbly, which used to be my norm, he complains about how unhappy I've been ever since and he doesn't see how it helped me at all.....this self discovery of mine.
I have periods of being happy, and then it's like a huge crushing weight smashes into me. And all I can do is cry. I can't sleep, my appetite is suppressed, and all I want to do is watch tv, which is a sure sign I'm depressed.
Sure the knowledge makes sense of my past life and actions, a joy in itself. But that leaves me afloat with nothing to hold onto, every thing seems awkward and off kilter. I have no fucking idea how to continue on from here.
The funny thing, now that my mind is aware is how much of me I have repressed over the years. I remember when puberty brought breasts to my chest how devastated I was, and how mad I was that my cousin was right, I was a girl. I don't think I truly ever believed before then. I think it was then that I started to submarine myself, from myself. By the time I got to college I was wearing mostly female clothing, and trying so hard to fit in with the girls in my dorm, a feat I never really ever managed.
Now that I have embraced my true self, one good thing has happened. I no longer avoid mirrors. I can look in the mirror at me. I still don't think I'm very attractive, but w/e, that's not the point. It's the fact that I know now why the mirror has always bothered me, it reflects a girl and not the boy it should be.
Androgyne me, I think is what was caused by socialization. I think that transexual is really a better fit. Because if possible I would jettison this girl shell, it has served its purpose, and gave me four of the most wonderful sons ever.
And I think that is the root of my trouble, I want to change, but see no way of doing so. T.H. has told me any surgery is a deal breaker, the end of our marriage. No, I'm not mad at him for feeling that way, but it does hurt. I'm sitting looking at the scary thought of wondering if I'm no longer in love with T.H. He's really not on board with all of this, and it has caused a gulf between us. He agrees that yes, it does make sense, it explains why I'm so different from the usual female. A fence, a wall, a moat divides that point of his understanding from the whole rest of me. He's not prepared to travel any further, and has dug in his heels. Willfully? idk tbh
Strangled by my own rope of understanding me, and the more I wiggle and squirm the more it strangles me.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Knife fights and Pokemon Dreams
I was late getting home from the hair salon, where I had my hair trimmed up a bit, and colored again. This time along with the dark auburn base, I had added bright red highlights along with a bit of gold as well. So, I'm flying around the kitchen at double speed, I had dinner done and on the table, and was on the last stages of getting his lunch together, I hate having to hurry like that, but didn't have much choice. So today I wanted to pack a fruit salad to go in his lunch box for midnight. I had the flat bread all wrapped up, the sausage was draining and cooling, the sauce was in its packets, and a pasta salad waiting to be dished up in the fridge. I chopped up the banana, the peach, poured some frozen blueberries in the container, and began to chop up an apple (who for the rest of this story will be called E.A. for evil apple) I had E.A. almost cut up when, still moving at lightening speed, E.A. rolled, my finger slipped and the knife went to where it was supposed to go. Only E.A. was no were to be seen in the vicinity of the knife, only my finger. It wasn't a happy occasion for my finger, I haven't asked the knife yet....
So, after a time at the sink running cold water over my finger T.H. (the husband) decided I needed to have it looked at. E.A.'s evil plan for making T.H. late to work is a success! Bwaaa Haaaa! On the way to the emergency clinic, a thought wiggled it's way into my head. Son #4 is off today! Maybe he could come and wait with me and you could go home and get ready and still make it to work in time? A call was made, he could come, and just like that, E.A.'s reign of terror is at an end!
As it turned out, I didn't need stitches, as I filleted my self, and there is nothing to stitch or glue. I just have this lovely piece of skin that will have to die and peel off. I'm hoping I don't loose my fingernail, as I cut it fairly deep and hard as well.
I am totally and completely addicted to Pokemon.
Hello! My name is Biki, and I'm a Pokemon addict! Hello Biki!
Would you like to know how bad I am? I'm playing while I chat.... I took it when we were out and about running errands, just in "case" I might have a few minutes... I carried it into the kitchen with me and would work on it while making supper.... Played while I ate!
I have been super busy the last 24 hours and haven't managed to play at all. I had a backlog of things I needed to get done, so I have decided to gut out today, and get those items done and crossed off my to do list. I did get half of the garage cleaned before E.A.'s entry into my life, but that was only two hours away from it. T.H. says until my finger is healed, no getting it dirty, so that means I have to wait to clean the rest of it out, which means??? Yes! You in the back! Correct! More Pokemon playing time!
I managed to get a ton of stuff crossed off my list today so that means tomorrow I'm going to be in Pokemonville! See ya there!
So, after a time at the sink running cold water over my finger T.H. (the husband) decided I needed to have it looked at. E.A.'s evil plan for making T.H. late to work is a success! Bwaaa Haaaa! On the way to the emergency clinic, a thought wiggled it's way into my head. Son #4 is off today! Maybe he could come and wait with me and you could go home and get ready and still make it to work in time? A call was made, he could come, and just like that, E.A.'s reign of terror is at an end!
As it turned out, I didn't need stitches, as I filleted my self, and there is nothing to stitch or glue. I just have this lovely piece of skin that will have to die and peel off. I'm hoping I don't loose my fingernail, as I cut it fairly deep and hard as well.
I am totally and completely addicted to Pokemon.
Hello! My name is Biki, and I'm a Pokemon addict! Hello Biki!
Would you like to know how bad I am? I'm playing while I chat.... I took it when we were out and about running errands, just in "case" I might have a few minutes... I carried it into the kitchen with me and would work on it while making supper.... Played while I ate!
I have been super busy the last 24 hours and haven't managed to play at all. I had a backlog of things I needed to get done, so I have decided to gut out today, and get those items done and crossed off my to do list. I did get half of the garage cleaned before E.A.'s entry into my life, but that was only two hours away from it. T.H. says until my finger is healed, no getting it dirty, so that means I have to wait to clean the rest of it out, which means??? Yes! You in the back! Correct! More Pokemon playing time!
I managed to get a ton of stuff crossed off my list today so that means tomorrow I'm going to be in Pokemonville! See ya there!
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) needs YOU!
Hello All, Ok, it looks like ENDA is finally going to be up for a vote, soon-ish, and it needs you! The steps are super simple to follow and will take very little of your time. This is your chance to stand up and tell congress that you deserve to have your civil rights honored. No more complaining, no more whining, just drag that cell phone out of your pocket and make a few calls.
This is the body of the email that I received today from National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund.
The Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) is moving in Congress again — and in a few short weeks we’re going to need your help to ensure that, this time, there are no more delays.
Elected officials focused on health care reform for months. Now that it’s passed, we have to act to make sure millions of LGBT people aren’t left out in the cold when it comes to equality in the workplace. ENDA has been delayed time and time again, but now it looks like it will be up for a vote very soon. Now is the time to act — our elected officials need to hear that further postponement just isn’t an option.
Right now people can be fired in 29 states for being lesbian, gay or bisexual and in 38 states for being transgender. It’s wrong — dead wrong. There’s no excuse for this kind of backwards discrimination in this day and age. ENDA can’t wait.
Help ensure that we pass ENDA once and for all. Please make a short phone call now to your legislators to keep the pressure on. They need to hear loud and clear from people who support equality. Even if you’ve called before, and even if you think your representative is supportive of ENDA, it’s critical that they hear from you again today.
Just follow these three steps:
1) Call the Capitol Switchboard at 202.224.3121 and ask to speak to your representative. (If you’re not sure who your representative is, simply give the operator your zip code and they will connect you.)
2) Follow this script: My name is _____ and I live at (say your street address) in (say your city and state). I am calling to ask that you please pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act now! Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people can't wait any longer for protection from job discrimination. So, please — no more delays. Pass ENDA right away. Thank you for your time.
3) Go back to step 1 and call at least one of your senators — we need to make our voice for equality as loud as possible.
It’s a quick, easy way to make a real difference in the fight for equality today. And in a few weeks, when ENDA finally goes to a vote, we’ll be calling on you to take action again. We’ll need to mobilize every last supporter we can to make more calls, send e-mails, and get friends and family to do the same. This legislation is being fought tooth and nail by the right wing, so no supporter of equality can afford to be silent.
Thank you for acting with the Task Force today.
Sincerely, Rea Carey, Executive Director National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund © 2010 National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund Contact us at ActionFund@theTaskForceActionFund.org or call 202.639.6312.
This is the body of the email that I received today from National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund.
The Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) is moving in Congress again — and in a few short weeks we’re going to need your help to ensure that, this time, there are no more delays.
Elected officials focused on health care reform for months. Now that it’s passed, we have to act to make sure millions of LGBT people aren’t left out in the cold when it comes to equality in the workplace. ENDA has been delayed time and time again, but now it looks like it will be up for a vote very soon. Now is the time to act — our elected officials need to hear that further postponement just isn’t an option.
Right now people can be fired in 29 states for being lesbian, gay or bisexual and in 38 states for being transgender. It’s wrong — dead wrong. There’s no excuse for this kind of backwards discrimination in this day and age. ENDA can’t wait.
Help ensure that we pass ENDA once and for all. Please make a short phone call now to your legislators to keep the pressure on. They need to hear loud and clear from people who support equality. Even if you’ve called before, and even if you think your representative is supportive of ENDA, it’s critical that they hear from you again today.
Just follow these three steps:
1) Call the Capitol Switchboard at 202.224.3121 and ask to speak to your representative. (If you’re not sure who your representative is, simply give the operator your zip code and they will connect you.)
2) Follow this script: My name is _____ and I live at (say your street address) in (say your city and state). I am calling to ask that you please pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act now! Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people can't wait any longer for protection from job discrimination. So, please — no more delays. Pass ENDA right away. Thank you for your time.
3) Go back to step 1 and call at least one of your senators — we need to make our voice for equality as loud as possible.
It’s a quick, easy way to make a real difference in the fight for equality today. And in a few weeks, when ENDA finally goes to a vote, we’ll be calling on you to take action again. We’ll need to mobilize every last supporter we can to make more calls, send e-mails, and get friends and family to do the same. This legislation is being fought tooth and nail by the right wing, so no supporter of equality can afford to be silent.
Thank you for acting with the Task Force today.
Sincerely, Rea Carey, Executive Director National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund © 2010 National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Action Fund Contact us at ActionFund@theTaskForceActionFund.org or call 202.639.6312.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Twisted Transistor
Hey you, hey you
Devil's little sister
Listening to your
Twisted transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life
Where no one understands you
But don't give up
Because the music do
Music do, music do
Music do, music do
Music do, music do
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you
Forever preaching
"Fuck you too!"
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted transistor
Hey you, hey you
Finally you get it
The world ain't fair
Eat you if you let it
And as you're tears fall on
Your breasts, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
Hey you, hey you
This won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who, says who
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize
Just let me be
Between you and me, don't fit
Lyrics by Korn
Yeah, and that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.
Things are better with T.H. (the husband) however it's because I'm self editing in a large way. I'm having a hard time dealing with me, and at the same time trying to placate him. And my usual way of making things calm, is to back down and as I have been told, act as a door mat to everyone else. Why do i act this way? FFS I have no idea, only that I hate living with strife. So, my inability to deal with upsetting others, has me stifling myself. I only have my own self to blame for not getting what i want.
Have you even noticed that if you repeat any word quickly enough times it loses it meaning, and shortly doesn't even sound like an actual word? Yeah, that's kinda how I feel. I have dug around in me so much, I'm no longer sure who in the hell, what in the hell I am, or even worse what I want. I seemed to have lost my meaning.....
I was gushing over a pair of really cute plaid trainers, and later that day in a rather smug voice T.H. said, "You certainly sounded like a girl earlier when you were drooling over those trainers." Sigh, yeah I do sound like a girl at times, I'm not completely a boy after all, hence the whole androgyne that I've told him I am. So, anytime I do anything remotely feminine, it is held up and shook at me.
To keep the peace I'm wearing clothes I dont like wearing, and had hoped not to have to wear again. So, I'm wearing the feminine tops that I have and have never liked or felt comfortable wearing. I've never enjoyed carrying a handbag, but now I feel like I have to.
I feel that to get what I want, a less feminine life, I'll lose what I have, a husband who loves me. I hate this see saw life! There are times I wished that I had never figured me out, never understood who/what I was. I'm happier inside of me, but my life is so much more complicated, and full of angst and at times despair that my life will ever get any happier.
Devil's little sister
Listening to your
Twisted transistor
Hold it between your legs
Turn it up, turn it up
The wind is coming through
Can't get enough
A lonely life
Where no one understands you
But don't give up
Because the music do
Music do, music do
Music do, music do
Music do, music do
Because the music do
And then it's reaching
Inside you
Forever preaching
"Fuck you too!"
Your scream's a whisper
Hang on you
Twisted transistor
Hey you, hey you
Finally you get it
The world ain't fair
Eat you if you let it
And as you're tears fall on
Your breasts, your dress
Vibrations coming through
You're in a mess
Hey you, hey you
This won't hurt a bit
This won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt
Says who, says who
Anesthetize this bitch
Anesthetize this bitch, anesthetize
Just let me be
Between you and me, don't fit
Lyrics by Korn
Yeah, and that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.
Things are better with T.H. (the husband) however it's because I'm self editing in a large way. I'm having a hard time dealing with me, and at the same time trying to placate him. And my usual way of making things calm, is to back down and as I have been told, act as a door mat to everyone else. Why do i act this way? FFS I have no idea, only that I hate living with strife. So, my inability to deal with upsetting others, has me stifling myself. I only have my own self to blame for not getting what i want.
Have you even noticed that if you repeat any word quickly enough times it loses it meaning, and shortly doesn't even sound like an actual word? Yeah, that's kinda how I feel. I have dug around in me so much, I'm no longer sure who in the hell, what in the hell I am, or even worse what I want. I seemed to have lost my meaning.....
I was gushing over a pair of really cute plaid trainers, and later that day in a rather smug voice T.H. said, "You certainly sounded like a girl earlier when you were drooling over those trainers." Sigh, yeah I do sound like a girl at times, I'm not completely a boy after all, hence the whole androgyne that I've told him I am. So, anytime I do anything remotely feminine, it is held up and shook at me.
To keep the peace I'm wearing clothes I dont like wearing, and had hoped not to have to wear again. So, I'm wearing the feminine tops that I have and have never liked or felt comfortable wearing. I've never enjoyed carrying a handbag, but now I feel like I have to.
I feel that to get what I want, a less feminine life, I'll lose what I have, a husband who loves me. I hate this see saw life! There are times I wished that I had never figured me out, never understood who/what I was. I'm happier inside of me, but my life is so much more complicated, and full of angst and at times despair that my life will ever get any happier.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Long Hard Road Out Of Hell
We are again talking, and things have eased up considerably. However there is a rim, an edge, a fence of don't trespass here feeling about most of our time together. And in an award winning show of passive aggressive, T.H. (The Husband) started asking me what was wrong in completely inappropriate times. When? Oh, how about in line at the grocery store, when he can see I'm just barely hanging on to my tears. Or how about 5 minutes from our destination? Or when I'm cooking supper with some of the kids in the garage, who are over working on their sleds (Alaskan wordage for snow machine), and T.H. just came in to retrieve something? Yeah, that is what life was like since the drive talk. As time passed, I once again felt corralled by his silence, knowing he didn't really want to talk about, wasn't ready to talk about it. And to give T.H. his props his entire world view had shape sifted into something he isn't comfortable with.
I'm sitting on the sofa knitting, tears silently running down my face, he's sitting at the table reading one of his magazines. He makes some comment about what he was reading to me, and when I gave him an answer with tears clearly in my voice, he got ruffled up and complained that he was tired me always being sad and how it was impacting his life. I went from sad to instant furious. The starting bell for the bout rang and off I went.
"How dare you! It's not always about you!"
After some sharp back and forth, we both calmed down and started to talk, and this time we really talked openly. He actually listened to what I had to say, and made some very concise comments. By this time I was snuggled on his lap, his arms tenderly around me, my head resting against his neck.
"I've never told you this, but all my friends thought I had an awesome wife. They kept telling me that you were completely different than any woman they ever met, you made sense to them. I guess we know why now, huh?"
He finally admitted how after our last talk he had been thinking and while he kept coming up and looking at, poking it with a stick, the idea of me being a inner guy was the truth. And it scared him. If he asked me once, he asked me countless times the same question that must have been burning him.
"You're not planning on leaving me are you?"
After telling him no, I had to desire to leave him, more times than he asked, things slowed down and suddenly the silence grew heavy like the air will before a thunderstorm.
"I have no right to ask this of you, but will you please not change your body?"
We did finally and without holding anything back both talk and listen to each other. I told him of my desire for top surgery. After talking about it quite a long while, T.H. told me that surgery would be a deal breaker for him. Ya know what? I totally understand his viewpoint on this. And for the time being am willing to honor his wishes. We ended the conversation with agreeing to come back and re-visit this subject about top surgery again at a much later date. This will give us both time to decide what is really important to us both. What we can live with, and what we can live without.
Since then things have rebounded back to before I started this conversation back in December. We are happy again, no shadows, no fenced off topics that are forbidden to speak about. And ya know what? It feels so very good to be free of angst and hurt, and just wallow in our usual relationship. I'm not innocent enough to believe that this is the last time that thunderheads will build up and hasty and hurtful words will be hurled at each other. I know they will be, but now I have hope that since we manage this last and greatest hurdle we should be able to weather any thing.
I got what I wanted, acknowledgement from him that he recognized my inner boy. And he got what he wanted/needed from me, that I did still love him and wasn't planning on leaving. I'm very sure that as time passes things will need to be adjusted and subtlety altered to fit both my stretching out of my shell and his accommodation of my needs. Sensitive will be our new byword. We are going to have to be sensitive of each others needs in our requests in a way that is going to be new for us both.
I want to thank anonymous for your wonderful comments! Thank you very much, your comments meant a great deal to me.
And I got a very nice comment from Micky, that I want to comment on.
If you were a boy you'd need to do pretty well everything as a boy or you'd be back in a quandary.
I don't think so, what I need from my viewpoint, is a way to express my boy.
If you are a girl but can part-time as a boy then you can pick and choose which behaviours (learned or 'natural') you want to follow at any particular time.
This is very true, and is what I'm trying to do now.
There is a big expectation in anyone changing their physiology because they then have to be 'super-male' (in your case). Being 'ordinary' or 'half-hearted' are not good enough. Everyone who has been prepared for the new you will want to see someone different emerge.
See, I'm not to sure about this. What I see looking at the world is that there are women who are rather masculine, and men who are rather feminine, and then the whole beautiful spectrum between. I think that people would take me as I am, but that is me, always with my glass way more than half full...
Are you really so very different from the bi-person you can be now?
No, I'm not. What I'm playing out here in blogger is my adolescence. For better or worse, I'm just like a teen now, trying to figure out who I am, what I am, and who I want to be when I "grow up". And you hit the nail squarely on the head, I am a bi-person who is trying to figure out what I want.
It is, you know, an enormous step.
But all of life is an enormous step and leap into the great wide unknown.
I'm sitting on the sofa knitting, tears silently running down my face, he's sitting at the table reading one of his magazines. He makes some comment about what he was reading to me, and when I gave him an answer with tears clearly in my voice, he got ruffled up and complained that he was tired me always being sad and how it was impacting his life. I went from sad to instant furious. The starting bell for the bout rang and off I went.
"How dare you! It's not always about you!"
After some sharp back and forth, we both calmed down and started to talk, and this time we really talked openly. He actually listened to what I had to say, and made some very concise comments. By this time I was snuggled on his lap, his arms tenderly around me, my head resting against his neck.
"I've never told you this, but all my friends thought I had an awesome wife. They kept telling me that you were completely different than any woman they ever met, you made sense to them. I guess we know why now, huh?"
He finally admitted how after our last talk he had been thinking and while he kept coming up and looking at, poking it with a stick, the idea of me being a inner guy was the truth. And it scared him. If he asked me once, he asked me countless times the same question that must have been burning him.
"You're not planning on leaving me are you?"
After telling him no, I had to desire to leave him, more times than he asked, things slowed down and suddenly the silence grew heavy like the air will before a thunderstorm.
"I have no right to ask this of you, but will you please not change your body?"
We did finally and without holding anything back both talk and listen to each other. I told him of my desire for top surgery. After talking about it quite a long while, T.H. told me that surgery would be a deal breaker for him. Ya know what? I totally understand his viewpoint on this. And for the time being am willing to honor his wishes. We ended the conversation with agreeing to come back and re-visit this subject about top surgery again at a much later date. This will give us both time to decide what is really important to us both. What we can live with, and what we can live without.
Since then things have rebounded back to before I started this conversation back in December. We are happy again, no shadows, no fenced off topics that are forbidden to speak about. And ya know what? It feels so very good to be free of angst and hurt, and just wallow in our usual relationship. I'm not innocent enough to believe that this is the last time that thunderheads will build up and hasty and hurtful words will be hurled at each other. I know they will be, but now I have hope that since we manage this last and greatest hurdle we should be able to weather any thing.
I got what I wanted, acknowledgement from him that he recognized my inner boy. And he got what he wanted/needed from me, that I did still love him and wasn't planning on leaving. I'm very sure that as time passes things will need to be adjusted and subtlety altered to fit both my stretching out of my shell and his accommodation of my needs. Sensitive will be our new byword. We are going to have to be sensitive of each others needs in our requests in a way that is going to be new for us both.
I want to thank anonymous for your wonderful comments! Thank you very much, your comments meant a great deal to me.
And I got a very nice comment from Micky, that I want to comment on.
If you were a boy you'd need to do pretty well everything as a boy or you'd be back in a quandary.
I don't think so, what I need from my viewpoint, is a way to express my boy.
If you are a girl but can part-time as a boy then you can pick and choose which behaviours (learned or 'natural') you want to follow at any particular time.
This is very true, and is what I'm trying to do now.
There is a big expectation in anyone changing their physiology because they then have to be 'super-male' (in your case). Being 'ordinary' or 'half-hearted' are not good enough. Everyone who has been prepared for the new you will want to see someone different emerge.
See, I'm not to sure about this. What I see looking at the world is that there are women who are rather masculine, and men who are rather feminine, and then the whole beautiful spectrum between. I think that people would take me as I am, but that is me, always with my glass way more than half full...
Are you really so very different from the bi-person you can be now?
No, I'm not. What I'm playing out here in blogger is my adolescence. For better or worse, I'm just like a teen now, trying to figure out who I am, what I am, and who I want to be when I "grow up". And you hit the nail squarely on the head, I am a bi-person who is trying to figure out what I want.
It is, you know, an enormous step.
But all of life is an enormous step and leap into the great wide unknown.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Flirting with Transexual
My inner and my outer don't match, and while I am cool with that, as that has been my reality for my entire life, it's just now I have words to define who/what I am. I took to the word androgyne quite easily. Transgender, was a whole different can of worms. It actually took me a few days to even be able to say the word out loud.
And then the questions starting to perk, thoughts that were relatively new to me. Questioning what was me, the real true stripped to my core me, and how much of me was social construct? Is there any way to rub off what society has painted on me? Do I even want to do that?
Mainly I'm trying to tease apart how much of a "boy" I am. What part of me is actually "girl"? The feminine things I do, is that an expression of me, or my conforming to society ideals of femininity, as of this moment I have no clear idea. I love to knit, and when I was a child, men just didn't knit, but all the women in my circle did needle crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery. It took them a long while to corral me into sitting down long enough to even learn how. I was happiest outside running, climbing trees, getting muddy, and riding my bike as hard as possible without any fear of falling or getting hurt. I was given to my Grandmother for awhile when I was around 7, for her to tame me. I had been asleep, but woke up to use the bathroom when I heard my name mentioned. Sitting there on the floor of the hallway, listening to my female parent and my part time step dad talking with an aunt and my grandmother about how I was turning into a tom boy, and was to wild for my own good. For the rest of Grandmothers life, she worked at taming me. Teaching me how to can veggies and fruits, knitting, and cooking. She was a sweet and very kind lady, never lifting her voice, getting her way by subterfuge, never confrontation. I was allowed to climb trees, but only as a place to sit outside and read.
I think my family saw more of the true me and worked at changing me into something more "acceptable". One of the questions I have is that what caused my female parent beat me so severely? Did she hate what she saw? A girl in body but not in spirit? And her always shaky hold on reality, she was never able to handle any new situations, was stressed by my difference? Am I excusing her abuse? NEVER! It's just that she is mentally ill, borderline schizophrenic, and these are questions that fly around in my head.
My entire life I have swung between acting and dressing masculine and feminine. It's almost like dress up for me when I dress feminine, but in real life. It's a rare occasion when I make it out of the bathroom with lipstick on, for whatever reason that is something that really upsets me. And in a few of the more feminine periods of my life, when my self respect was rather fragile, a weird look from my husband about my makeup or hair would send me into self doubt, almost a self hate. I had no idea who I was, and it was eroding me. Luckily in my area you can dress down as a woman and aren't really thought poorly of for doing so.
Trying to decipher myself I keep coming to the same cliff face, and I keep peeking over it. Transexual, am I actually transexual, or am I transgender? And therein lies the reason behind my wondering how much of me is "boy". If all of my "girl" is social construct then what am I left with? I'm left with being all "boy" inside. And what do I want to do with this understanding of me? Will I be content to live as I have all of these years, or do I want more? I have absolutely no idea what so ever. I keep coming back to the mirror. There are things about me that I'm not happy with. And I'm not talking the usual things, a bit of extra weight, being short, no my actual package of my being female. When I started puberty I freaked. I hated the breasts sprouting on my chest. Luckily they never got very large, but still I have them…… And now? I keep finding myself googling pictures of top surgery. Googling articles about testosterone treatment. The hormone treatments would still let me live in the realm of transgender, but the surgery? Oh hello and welcome to the world of transexual.
If I jump over the cliff to fly into the world of transexual, my entire life would change, and not for the better. It would mean coming out to everyone, some thing that quells my heart to a stand still. The thought of telling the boys? Tears are now rolling down my face at the very thought. But the biggie is T.H. Me transitioning into a boy is a deal breaker. My starting male hormones is also a deal breaker. I feel like I'm caught in a net, the more I struggle the more entangled I become. I see no way out thru the coils of my mind. Boy? Girl? Trans gender? Transexual? Androgyne?
And then the questions starting to perk, thoughts that were relatively new to me. Questioning what was me, the real true stripped to my core me, and how much of me was social construct? Is there any way to rub off what society has painted on me? Do I even want to do that?
Mainly I'm trying to tease apart how much of a "boy" I am. What part of me is actually "girl"? The feminine things I do, is that an expression of me, or my conforming to society ideals of femininity, as of this moment I have no clear idea. I love to knit, and when I was a child, men just didn't knit, but all the women in my circle did needle crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery. It took them a long while to corral me into sitting down long enough to even learn how. I was happiest outside running, climbing trees, getting muddy, and riding my bike as hard as possible without any fear of falling or getting hurt. I was given to my Grandmother for awhile when I was around 7, for her to tame me. I had been asleep, but woke up to use the bathroom when I heard my name mentioned. Sitting there on the floor of the hallway, listening to my female parent and my part time step dad talking with an aunt and my grandmother about how I was turning into a tom boy, and was to wild for my own good. For the rest of Grandmothers life, she worked at taming me. Teaching me how to can veggies and fruits, knitting, and cooking. She was a sweet and very kind lady, never lifting her voice, getting her way by subterfuge, never confrontation. I was allowed to climb trees, but only as a place to sit outside and read.
I think my family saw more of the true me and worked at changing me into something more "acceptable". One of the questions I have is that what caused my female parent beat me so severely? Did she hate what she saw? A girl in body but not in spirit? And her always shaky hold on reality, she was never able to handle any new situations, was stressed by my difference? Am I excusing her abuse? NEVER! It's just that she is mentally ill, borderline schizophrenic, and these are questions that fly around in my head.
My entire life I have swung between acting and dressing masculine and feminine. It's almost like dress up for me when I dress feminine, but in real life. It's a rare occasion when I make it out of the bathroom with lipstick on, for whatever reason that is something that really upsets me. And in a few of the more feminine periods of my life, when my self respect was rather fragile, a weird look from my husband about my makeup or hair would send me into self doubt, almost a self hate. I had no idea who I was, and it was eroding me. Luckily in my area you can dress down as a woman and aren't really thought poorly of for doing so.
Trying to decipher myself I keep coming to the same cliff face, and I keep peeking over it. Transexual, am I actually transexual, or am I transgender? And therein lies the reason behind my wondering how much of me is "boy". If all of my "girl" is social construct then what am I left with? I'm left with being all "boy" inside. And what do I want to do with this understanding of me? Will I be content to live as I have all of these years, or do I want more? I have absolutely no idea what so ever. I keep coming back to the mirror. There are things about me that I'm not happy with. And I'm not talking the usual things, a bit of extra weight, being short, no my actual package of my being female. When I started puberty I freaked. I hated the breasts sprouting on my chest. Luckily they never got very large, but still I have them…… And now? I keep finding myself googling pictures of top surgery. Googling articles about testosterone treatment. The hormone treatments would still let me live in the realm of transgender, but the surgery? Oh hello and welcome to the world of transexual.
If I jump over the cliff to fly into the world of transexual, my entire life would change, and not for the better. It would mean coming out to everyone, some thing that quells my heart to a stand still. The thought of telling the boys? Tears are now rolling down my face at the very thought. But the biggie is T.H. Me transitioning into a boy is a deal breaker. My starting male hormones is also a deal breaker. I feel like I'm caught in a net, the more I struggle the more entangled I become. I see no way out thru the coils of my mind. Boy? Girl? Trans gender? Transexual? Androgyne?
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