5 on the fifth

Yup folks its that time of the month again, yippee!!  So after getting a gander of my pictures wander on over to Stephen's blog and say "hi!" and look at all the other eye candy.  And without further ado...here we go! 

The theme by the by is "pleasure", and my first thought was not "G" rated, but after a bit of thought came up with these pictures.

 Seeing an Apollo capsule, in real life, whoa that gave the geek boy in me a huge jolt of pleasure.  I wanted to touch it so very badly, but was good and didn't. sigh

 Din-o-saurs!!!  Need I say more!

Bristle Combs!  Went to an aquarium in Chattanooga while down in the Atlanta area, and saw all manner of creatures.  These however are a special favorite of mine.  At one time I thought about becoming a marine biologist, but wee babies kept me in dry dock.

 The Black Keys in concert!  Let me tell you they ripped it up! As you can see, I wasn't all bowed up near the stage.  It was hot and muggy and this Alaskan isn't used to the heat nor the crowds, so no go.  If you are wondering why there is a fence between us?  Its cause TH bought VIP tickets, so there were seats, and air conditioned bathrooms, and really yummy free food!  The fence is to keep the rabble out ya know! LOL

Is there any better pleasure than spending time with really wonderful friends?  If there is, I sure don't know what it would be.  This is my friend's back garden at night, what a perfect evening it was.  A warm beautiful night, the air was scented with the perfume of the garden, and peaceful, happy companionship.

And there you have a mini snapshot of my trip to Atlanta.

Hazy Shade of Winter

It's that time of year again, the leaves have defected from their tree homes.

The dragons are hatching out, they are rather cute when they are tiny, yeah?

End of growing season is a sad time of the year for me, I'm a farmer at heart I suppose.

After picking all of those tomatoes, something had to be done with them!  So, I made relish.  It's a rummage sort of thing, as it contains loads of things; green and red tomatoes, sweet peppers, onion, cabbage and celery.  Full of summer sunshine, warm breezes and bright blue skies.

I leave Alaska in a little over 1.5 hours!  Couldn't be more excited if I tried.  Ever seen a 6 year old full of sugar?  Yeah, that's where I'm at!  Full of excitement!  One of the bands playing at the music fest in Atlanta is 'The Constellations'.  Their music reminds me of hot summer nights, flying down the highway, good friends filling the seats, the windows are all down, trailing the music behind us as we head into tomorrow and a breakfast at a local diner.

 

I.P.V.

Intimate Partner Violence

Partner abuse comes slipping into the relationship quietly.  The abuse slowly ebbs and flows over a period of time, until one day you realize you are neck deep in an abusive situation.  A sharp word here, a put down there, a slow eroding of you, that begins without notice but carries on until you doubt your own worth, or that you do deserve to be treated with kindness and consideration.

Partner abuse is something as common in gay, bi, and lesbian relationships as it is in the straight world, but it's largely ignored in the glbt communities.  We need to start talking about it, need to fill the gaps our knowledge that, yes, this occurs, and, hopefully, as marriage equality spreads through our country, the police and court systems will finally catch up.  It's taken them quite a bit to catch up to men being abused by their wives, but better late than never, yeah?

An abuser is an abuser, no matter what the relationship looks like: m/f, f/f, m/m, or trans/partner.  It seems that partner abuse has very few differences from the straight world to the glbt world.  The only big difference is the potential threat of being outed, should the partner being abused seek help.  Often that is one of the threats the abuser will use against you.  "I'll tell your (parents, work, etc)".  And so you stay, for more eroding of your self confidence, more bruises, and a continuing downward spiral of isolation from family and friends.

Emotional abuse means that your needs are never an important consideration, ever.  He always comes first: his wants, his desires, him, him, him.  He's always too busy, too tired, too broke, needs money for something he needs right this minute, etc.; you will just have to wait for him to be not be busy, tired, broke etc, etc, in other words, you will be in waiting in line, for it to be your turn for the rest of your life.

He tells you how lucky you are that he stays with you.  You're unworthy of love and affection; he is doing you a favor by staying.  After a while, you begin to believe him; you are so lucky he stays with worthless you.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you? You need to lose weight, get something done with what passes for hair, get some sun, shave/grow appropriate body hair, etc, etc."

It's a constant run down on your looks and what you wear.  Of course, some of your "flaws" are things that aren't fixable, like the fact your hair is defecting from the kingdom of your head.  So, you go on a diet, pour lotions and potions on your head, tan, gain weight, etc.; anything to please him and hope for some kind words.

He cuts you down in front of his friends, his family, your family, anyone, and everyone.  He tells you, and anyone that will listen, how stupid you are. He blows normal mistakes into huge stories that make you appear a complete buffoon. Until you get to the point where you are afraid to open your mouth, voice an opinion, or want to visit with your family and any friends you still have left.  At that moment in time, he has won, he now has a slave that will never tell him no.  Emotional abuse is hardest to get past.  The self doubt that was planted into you, will never fully be weeded from you.  It takes constant weed whacking to believe that you do deserve better, you are worthy of a loving relationship, your needs do matter, they don't need to come last, you may take a turn at being first in line!

Sexual abuse is never about sex, but about power, the taking of it.  Forcing you to engage in sexual acts you aren't comfortable doing, forcing you to have sex period, is abusive. With holding sex can also be a part of the abuse cycle, but that is usually hand cuffed to physical put downs as to why he wont have sex with you.  It doesn't matter one nano gram at all if you begin the sexual encounter being a willing partner, only to later changing your mind.  You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to say NO! at any point during sex.  If he tells you "I was to worked up to quit!"  Well then, he is no better than an animal, yeah?  Sex is about giving and sharing, not taking and forcing.  For the vast majority of us, sex isn't about causing pain in our partners, isn't forcing them to do something they don't want to do.  However, having said that, we need to contrast abusive sex with BDSM, which are two completely different animals. Because at the bottom of a BDSM relationship is trust, safe words and most importantly, this is something that both partners want, they know each others limits, and just how far they want and can be pushed; which is not what sexual abuse is like at all.

Physical abuse starts with a slap, and apology and then a "honeymoon" period.  As time flows by however the physical abuse ramps up, the honeymoon periods shorten, and it takes less and less for him to strike you, and the physical abuse gets more and more intense, doing ever greater damage.  You can't muck about with this, you need to get out and now.

Leaving is often when it becomes very dangerous to your life.  No matter how badly you have been beaten before, after you leave is when his rage becomes unhinged.  Before you leave, you need to do some ground work first, you need an exit plan, and it has to be fool proof.  If you can't get any relief from the police/courts, then its going to be all up to you as to how to get out safely and stay alive.  It might take you a few weeks, a month or so to get your ducks lined up, but take the time to do so.  The only way to flee without a safety net, is if you fear for your life Now!  Then by all means RUN RUN RUN!  Don't wait to pack anything, just flee for your life.  Everything is replaceable except you.  There are shelters out there for men, and many will take in GLBT.  If you live in a very small community where there are no shelters for anyone except women, then you are going to need to get creative at a point in your life when your creative jug is empty.  If nothing else, drive as far as you are able to, and stay in a hotel, do not stay local, get as much distance between you and him. 

Your family members.  Speaking as a mother, no matter how long its been since you've been able to be with them, they will most likely take you in.  Don't call ahead, just show up.  If they are the closed minded sort who when you came out to them they threw you away, give them a second chance.  They might hate the fact that they lost you, but didn't want to lose "face" by trying to contact you again.  And lets be honest, if you're not out to them and you are over the age of 30, and have had male "room mates" since you left home/college, believe me they know.  Take a chance and go to them, give them a chance to be a wonderful parent.  If that door is firmly closed?  Then try your friends, yes the ones who no longer call you, because he pushed them out of your life.  We are talking life or death here, only the most callus of people would turn you away in your time of need.

Resources:  If you know of others in your area, please add them to the comment section.

For USA             http://gmdvp.org/

       and              http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm

New York City   http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/issues/lesbian.shtml

Massachusetts     http://www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_srv_services_vrp_Resources

Los Angles         http://www.lagaycenter.org/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_DV_Family_Violence_Partner_Abuse
              
North Carolina      http://www.projectrainbownet.org/resources.html

For Canadians      http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/

For Australians     http://www.anothercloset.com.au

International resource list   http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=3

If you are a woman, and are facing domestic violence, please understand I don't think lightly of your plight, only that there are very few resources for battered men and even less available for gay men.  People "get" that women are all to often victims of IPV, but less likely to think men can be and are victims of people they love.

five on the fifth

Hello all!  Its that special time of the month again!  Yup yup!  Stephen's 5 on the 5th!  This month's theme is MESS.  Some of these are a stretch to fit the theme, but hey!  Tis me, and if anything, I'm known as a rule stretcher.  So, without further ado....

 A "mess" of tomatoes that I picked off of one of our tomato plants yesterday.  To tell ya all the truth, shocked is the best word to describe my feelings of growing such a bumper crop of tomatoes here, in Alaska without a green house! 

A "mess" of leeks.  I thought it was odd how they all lined up on the knife that way.  I'd never seen them do that, and since my phone is always in my pocket, it was quick work to snap a pic.  Of course what you're not seeing is all the pictures that have made a permanent home in the digital trash can.

A "mess" of pine cone litter on the forest floor.  I've never seen such a deep carpet of pine cone litter under a tree before this.  There must be a entire village of squirrels that live in this area. And yeah, those little tree rats are cute....when they aren't ripping the insulation outta my roof!

 I climbed over a barrier and slid down some slippery rocks to snap this pic....sigh only to find out after we were miles away that I had shook my hipstamatic and didnt notice.  Now depending on how you look at it the app has a feature that's either cool, or pain in the ass, when the iphone is shook, it changes the "lens" and the "film".  Which is all cool cool cool, unless you dont freaking notice!  So, I'm looking at my pictures, and get to this group that I worked so hard to get to, and sigh....they are all black and white!  Insert many filthy words!  Since I was unhappy with it, I decided to run them thru yet a diff app called Tiltshiftgen.  And this is what I got out of a "mess" of a picture, kinda a cool mess.

A "mess" of sap.  What caused this leakage of sap, was a grizzly biting the tree.  Ya know how a dog will pee on something to mark his territory?  Well grizzly's do it by biting a tree, as high up as they can reach.  Hey!  Would you like to see the bite?  Ok, well its not one of the 5, but a necessary extra, yeah?

This bite mark is about 8-ish feet off the ground.  That gives you some idea of just how big this bear is.  If ya look closely you'll see the tooth gouges on the trunk.  I don't know about y'all, but a bear this size sure isn't something I'm looking forward to running across out and about in the woods!

Ok, had fun?  Coolness!  Now head on over to Stephen's blog say hi, and lookie loo at all of the other nice bloggers pictures.



 

 

Gandhi Thoughs

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win."
                            Mahatma Gandhi

If Mahatma is correct, and this is indeed the path one has to travel to win against an oppressor, lgb are almost at the finish line.  By my best guess we are in the "they fight you" turn.  I think we have turned the corner from the ridicule portion of the program.  Why?  Well, really when was the last time you heard anything different from the right?  Yeah, me either.  The last few years, its all been recycled stuff.  Oh, look at how good earth stewards the right are, they are recycling even their shit.

Walking Gandhi's path of non-violence has been a hallmark of glbt.  Every violent encounter has been met with passive resistance.  It's been the glbt that has been on the end of bats, fists and death, not the straights. Even though we were denied access to the hall of civil rights, we never thought of burning it down.

I dont know if you noticed the absence of the "t" at the end of glbt in the first paragraph.  Yeah, while there is light at the end of the tunnel for gays, lesbians and bi's, trans folk are still stumbling along in the dark.  While there is an "ick" factor for many straight's when they think of same sex people enjoying sex, it doesnt even come close to how many people feel about trans folk.

I've given the "ick" factor about trans people a great deal of thought.  I think what bothers most people is the mutilation of the body that many trans folk under go to allign their inner selves with their outer shell.  The idea of cutting off penises, testicles, or breasts is a vision for cis people that is akin to a horror movie. But to trans these body parts mean nothing, only a hindrance to be able to be seen as who we truly are.

Lately the label of trans is pinching me.  Why?  Because if you want to talk to a group of people who are totally wedded to gender norms, haul up a chair at any gathering of trans.  The transwomen really are cruel to the T-ladies who no matter what, will never ever pass.  They give each other shit for leaving the house without make-up on, or not dressed up, their hair not styled, their nails not done.  And before you sit and shake your head thinking, "Well of course they are like that, they are women after all", there is more to it than that.  Transmen are just as bad at judging each other.  The worst thing in the transman world is to be femme.  T-men have to be uber macho, have large muscles, have some righteous ink, and never flip a wrist, or forget and cross their legs.  To be a femme T-man is to be ridiculed, and to be honest after all these years living as a woman, there is no way I could ever be a totally masculine guy if I transistioned.  I could pass as male, but never as anything but a femme gay guy.  And while I'm ok with that, it leaves me out of the loop in the T-man world.

While attending the conference this last January was liberating on many fronts, it also illuminated that this was yet another area where I didnt fit in totally.  I was met with odd expressions, and was asked several times, "What or who I thought I was"  Now this really took me aback.  I was being asked what I was at a trans conference?  One of the T-men I met told me later that he uses me as an example of "there is more than one way to be trans."  Isn't that the saddest thing ever?  To have to hold up someone else as an example to defend who you are, not to the straights, but to other transmen, is beyond ridiculous.

So what label am I looking at now?  Well, I could fall back onto my original label of androgynous.  Or, I'm toying with genderqueer.  They seem to be a more fluid group.  I belong to a yahoo group for genderqueer, and many of these people are living my life, having the same problems finding a way to express their true selves without being pigeonholed as one sex or another, which is something that is becoming more and more important to me.  There is no way to keep my current life with TH and my boys if I trade out my girl shell for a boy one.  And I'm ok with that.  Just not comfortable being squashed and twisted so as I can fit into the box labeled female.  I'm sick and tired of living my life in a labeled box.  What I want to be is.........ME.  Damn the labels.  So the Gandhi quote at the start of this applies to this gender and label journey I've been on.  I've won against my own self war,  I'm fuck all tired of walking that path, and am going to strike out on my own, forging my own path.  If ya wanna, you are most welcome to come with.*

*if you're from the midwest, that last sentence is a complete sentence, yeah it really is.

OMG NO!

It can't be the beginning of fall! It just can't be. Sigh, winter's cold blue breath will be knocking blowing down my neck before I know it.

Yes, yes I know. Winter follows summer. What? I forgot fall in there? Well, the deal is that our bridging seasons, spring and fall, are usually micro mini short. I've seen 14 inches of snow in the middle of September, and no it didn't melt off.

Our summers are so short we don't even have a chance to get bored. Or too hot. It's been in the low 60's for almost 2 weeks. The nights in the high 40's.

There is one bright spot though! I got my b'day wish! I'm a going to Atlanta to the musicfest. Whoo-hoo!! Can't. Wait. For. September.

Our Anniversary

Our anniversary...hmm well it depends on who you ask, as to what answer you'll get.  If you ask TH, then you'll hear the date of the day we married.  Ask me, and you'll get the day we met.  Yeah, time challanged me, remembers THAT date.  Saint Paddy's day.  When we locked eyes with each other, it was as if the world stopped spinning, time itself held her breath.  For someone who didnt even believe in love, lust hellz yeah, love pfff no!  Falling into love between one breath and the next, blew my windows out.  Slowly, step by step I learned what it felt like to be cherished, to be wanted, and that love, real love isnt laced with fists, cutting words, or the hot end of an iron.  Yeah, life wasnt pleasant growing up with my female parent.


 We have been married now for 33 years.  Whoa, what a huge ass number of years!  And while it hasn't all been perfect, it's been an unbelievable ride of companionship, affection, love, lust, and support.  I mean really, how many "women" could tell their husbands they are guys inside, and still have them around a year later?  Most of TH's friends all told him to leave me.  Or at the very least get drunk, and screw every female around.  We both have a different view of monogamy, we have both offered each other the ability to go and have sex with others, something that so far hasnt been followed up on.  However, it's always on the table.  We came to this after I stepped out on TH in a very dark era of our marriage.  Me having sex with someone else, woke him up as to how unhappy I was with him.  Before that?  Yeah, he totally didnt get what his attitude during that time period, was doing to me, to us.   The "infidelity" wasn't even an issue, it was what brought me to that point.  So in a weird ass way, me having sex with someone else, saved our marriage.

This weekend was spent opening our hearts to each other, something that we had stopped doing for fear of hurting each other, fear of breaking our bond for good and all.  This past year hasnt been kind to our marriage at all.  This past year was a mine field of hurt feelings, mixed signals, and not knowing how to help each other over the mud puddles.  The hard questions were asked, and openly answered, no hedging, no softening the answers, but the boldly lit truth.  We talked about sex, and the lack of it in this past year, and I think we are to the point again where the energy should start flowing again.  Fantasy's were discussed, and when TH asked me mine, I told him he already knows my fantasy.  When he realized what my fantasy is, to be a flesh and blood guy, he looked sad, but agreed with me that transitioning would be hard on my relationship with our sons.  Losing TH is still beyond my ability to grasp what shape my life would take without him in it.  He isnt able at this point in time to be with a guy, sexually or emotionally, and I totally get that. 

So our marriage has again weathered a storm, battered but very intact.  TH and I are in this for the long haul it seems.  How we managed to find each other in a sea of others is beyond me.  We fill each others needs, we are more together than we are separate.

Summer!

I was a wee bit surprised by the comments on my last post about how green it is here.  Summer is fleetingly short, but its a very intense summer.  No, not temp wise, at least compared to most places.  However the interior does record the highest temps each summer, ....and sigh the coldest winter temps.

I love to grow food.  Not really all about growing flowers, I love to look at 'em, but meh about growing them.  I suppose at heart, I'm a farmer.  This spring we built two earthtainers, I haven't grown anything in a few years, and was really feeling the lack.  We bought 2 tomato plants and 2 cucumber plants.  As of today, this is what they look like.

A close up of some of the tomatoes.

Some of them that were picked today.  Not all of them in the above picture were ready yet, some were hidden under the dense foliage.

A view up into the air.  I love, love, love trees.  The sound of the wind ruffling their leaves.  The dappled shadows they draw upon our mundane earth bound life.

And Daniel and Newleaf are right, most of Alaska is riddled with mosquitoes.  Any shady place, any damp area are filled with the wee little blood suckers, unless there is a nice breeze blowing, you are either spraying the bug dope, or waving your arms like a fool. This pic was snapped on the RUN! due to the kamikaze brigades of voracious mosquitoes.  Which for some unknown reason is our state insect.  Could it be one needs a highly developed sense of sarcasm to live happily in our state?

TH went fishing for king salmon down on the Kenai River.  These last few pictures are courteous of him.  This is really the color of the water, no optic tricks here.  Its glacier fed, and is beyond beautiful in real life.

A nice little moose family by the river.

Hope you enjoyed seeing a bit of our fabulous summer!  Now, I'm off to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes, yummi!  Then for afters local made ice cream from Hot Licks.  To top the day off, we are going to the late show for Cowboys and Aliens.  I've heard uneven things about this movie.  But I mean come on!  Aliens??? WITH  cowboys?  Hot cute guys on horses, what's not to like? 

See ya all laters!

5 on the Fifth

The theme this month is My Town.  After looking around our town, I decided to go in a slightly different direction, and just post pictures from two places in town.  One is a a refuge for migratory waterfowl, and the other an outdoor museum park.

Clickity to embiggen.

A bit of info about the "line" as it was locally known.

Party, Party, and Party Again!

Hi Y'all!

Well, since the last update I've clicked a new number on my personal calendar.  Yup!  Your's truly has reached a new milepost, age wise.  And I'm way time challenged, I thought I was a year older than I am!  LOL  yup yup, I'm really that clueless.  For some reason, I've never really cared how old I am, like never.

On the actual b'day I had dinner out with my sis in law.  Yesterday, b'day part II occurred with dinner out with my friend from the video store.  Tonight is b'day supper with TH.  Even tho I'm a total nerd, I'd LOVE it if the apple Apple pie was my b'day cake, for two reasons.  One, I despise cake, no really I do!  And two, tis an apple APPLE pie.  Apple pie is my fav, and then add on the fact its an APPLE pie...sigh perfect, just totally perfect...

If I can get my buddy to go with, this is what I've asked for gift wise.  I sure hope he'll go!!! 

                     hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Each year on my b'day I take stock of the year past, to see if it was a year of treading water, or more successful, this is personal wise.  The take on this past year?  I think it will go into the successful column.  The family front is still fractured due to eldest, who by the by DIDNT call me on my b'day, but I still firmly have a good relationship with the two youngest.  3rd son, has moved outside for work, and his wife moved out to get her PH.D.  

Personally though, I feel ever so much stronger.  I no longer have suicidal thoughts, which can only be considered a good thing indeed.  I'm beginning to find how to blend the inner male me with the outer girl me.  My blend seems to be rather androgynous, bits and pieces of both.  So, I'll wear my leather beaded bracelets with my guy shirts and my skull tennis shoes.  Some from column a, some from column b, which adds up to me.  I weathered the girl clothing just fine for the wedding, with only a bit of personal fraying.  But when I would feel my true self start to fade, I would walk to somewhere.  Why?  Because I no longer walk feminine, I use wider larger strides, bolder as TH says, and after a few steps whew!, I was firmly back, back, back.

I've become more relaxed with my status of a guy.  No longer do I cringe with fear that someone will find out.  Nor do I want to tell one and all who I am.  When I have someone important to me that I want to KNOW the real true me, then I tell them.  Do I still have a hateful relationship with the body?  yeah...a bit....yeah.  The thing that bothers me the most is my breasts, which seems to be an issue for most of us f2m's.  Because really thats the first thing that one thinks of when one hears the word "female".  How often do you check out the chest on a person you're not totally clear on if they are male or female.  Yeah...  Do I still crave, desire a male body, oh hellz shit yeah.  But, I'm beginning to learn how to be me within this body, and of late doing pretty good i think!

I wanna do a shout out a HUGE mega thank you to Jay for my b'day card!  Hugs and kissies to you my friend!

 

Bad Dog No Biscuits!

 "Mom?  Would you mind watching Kobe while we are in Hawaii on our honeymoon?"

"I'd love to watch him!  He's such a little sweetie pie!"


Ahh, the "joy" of living with a 100lbs, 9 months old, untrained puppy.  Sigh....yeah.... lack of sleep for me,  the mass destruction of our stuff, and the sweetest dog when he wants to be.

 This is Kobe, also known as, "NO! DAMNED DOG, DROP IT!"  Doesn't he have the sweetest face?

While out one day, I bought a game for hubby and I to play, Labyrinth the Duel I unpacked the pieces left the box lid on the back of the sofa for just a second while I ran to the bathroom.  And this is what I came back to.  Yeah, I mended it with tape, but really I couldnt have been gone more than 2 minutes.

Yesterday I was doing dishes, and realized that someone wasnt laying on the floor in the kitchen.  Oh..no.....and there he laid on the floor pleased as punch with himself chewing up TH's favorite hat.  While there is only a small hole in the front, the closure in the back is gone, gone, gone.

Remember the high school graduation we attended in May?  Well, that little sweetie made me a pillow one year for Christmas.  Yup, you guessed it he snagged it off the sofa while I was cooking supper, and was happily chewing his way thru it.  It and the other throw pillows, my emergency sweatshirt, are now under lock and key in the downstairs bath.

Yup, thats the guts of the above pillow, and the wee black bits?  Thats the closure of TH's hat.  Yes, before I could even get the pieces of the hat cleaned up, he had destroyed the pillow.

The new home of the garbage can.  Thats the only place out of his reach.  We had the trash in the bathroom for a while, but talk about a pain to keep having to walk to the bath to toss the trash.

The bride and groom come home tonight, and Kobe will be going to the airport with me, and then home with them, and boy howdy will I miss him.  I mean really what a sweet boy he is!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
If you are wondering where I got the title from, tis a song from the "Cowboy Bebop" anime.  Written by the wondrously talented Yoko Kanno.  Here is the song...enjoy!

Whew! What a whirl

Hi y'all!

Sorry I've been gone so long, but things have kinda piled up on me.  I was running on around 2-4 hours a sleep each night during the build up to the three big nights and I think it just caught up to me.  Been under the weather, we are puppy sitting, whom I'm allergic to, and now! have a tooth abscess, sigh....

So, will attempt to do some sort of run down on the week. 

 The cooking was exhausting, but everything came out wonderful!  I ended up only making 2 types of cookies, and we bought a cake, that hadnt been cut by the end of the evening.  On the journey of preparing all of that food, I learned several things:
1. to Never trust food allotments one finds on the web.  I had acres to much food!  An impressively large amount of leftovers actually.  TH took them to work for his co-workers to enjoy.
2.  when making potato salad, never boil the potatoes, but STEAM them!  Not only do the potatoes come out tasting much better, but is ever so much easier.  No large vats of water to lug around, no pouring of boiling water, just fill up the bamboo steamer stick it on the pan of water and steam away, and in a short 14 minutes, your potatoes are perfectly done. They seem to cool quicker and to my mind at least, absorb the flavors better.
3. a food processor makes short work of the slicing and shredding and I was a FOOL for not having one before this.  a total and complete id1ot!

I didnt get a very good picture to share with y'all, sorry about that.  The rest of 'em all have people in them.  But those are SOME of the containers of food.  I had another one of slaw and one more of broccoli salad.

So, the morning of the bridal shower I wake up to realize that I have mucked about so long trying to decide what to wear, that I have nothing to wear!  eep!  I have already decided not to wear a dress.  My sister in law and I were the only two who didnt wear a dress, but it wasn't commented on, at least to our faces.  I rush into the sewing room, and pull out my meager stash of fabric.  Last summer I bought some printed knit material, its soft and lightweight, it would look nice with a pair of white pants.  I look thru all of my patterns...holy ants and cats!  Those would all take forever to make!  Ok, time for a Project Runway Moment, I re-purposed a chinese coat pattern front, and bam!, I had the top done in a little over 2 hours.  The top is very comfortable to wear, cool on our "hot" days.  I've already worn it three times!

I dithered around so long, I never could decide on what top to make so I ended up wearing the skirt I made, a white sweater, and a teal top. I looked ok, not great, way out of the league of most of the people who attended. However, my clothing was so simple and for the most part, comfortable enough for me to ignore it most of the time. Here's a picture of the skirt, which wasnt hemmed when I took the picture.

Without a doubt, this was the best wedding I've ever attended.  Why?  Because the bride and groom GLOWED with happiness throughout the entire ceremony, and into the reception.  The best man, youngest did a great job with his speech.  He brought tears to everyone's eyes with his story.  Bride looked beautiful in her dress, dancing with her dad.  I didnt recognize the song they danced to, it was a country song.  For the song 3rd son and I danced to, was one we fell in love with on a family vacation to Hawaii.

What a week this will be!

Howdy all!

So this is the run up week to 3rd son's wedding, and what a week this should prove to be.  Yesterday in a moment of mental clarity I decided what i needed was a to-do list broken up into days.  After working on my schedule, and my list of things to buy, my mountain of responsibilities seems even larger.  Silly me, I thought the writing of the list, would reduce my trepidation about the coming week, but nope!  I had to keep coming back to add stuff to my list, sigh....

My skirt is finished, except for hemming.  Next up is the top.  And i still need something to wear for the bridal shower.  The invitation stated to come in a summer dress.  So, I guess I'll have to whip one of those up as well.  I have a half done t-shirt that I didnt like how it fit, and some fabric that after I got it home I didnt like.  Surprisingly the two go well together, and it shouldnt take long to morph the items into a quick dress.  Gah!  I cant believe I have to wear two different dresses, within the space of 3 days!!!

I need to finish up the sewing by Monday at the latest.  That way I can be clear for the big push towards the groom's supper.  Now where I grew up, if there were loads of people traveling for a wedding the rehearsal dinner was changed to a groom's supper and the out of town guests were invited.   What with the bridal party and out of town guests we are looking at close to 50 people.  The groom's family are in charge of the rehearsal dinner.  3rd son and wife to be want a barbeque which is fine fine by me.  But lordy lordy that's a load of food to have to prepare!  If you are wondering why I just dont buy the food ready made, its because silly me is allergic to fake food ingredients.  So all of those ingredients that read like a chemistry experiment is what makes me ill.  I would like to be able to eat more than just a burger and chips, ya know?

Here's the menu:
burgers, hot dogs, chicken breast fillets in teriyaki sauce, cole slaw, potato salad, broccoli salad, chips, and cookies for dessert.  I'm making chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies, and washboard cookies.


Last week I purchased my first food processor and took it out for a test spin.  Made cole slaw, and damn if it didnt take me longer to peel the carrots and core the cabbage!  Trying to decide on if i should just buy potato salad, or make it. I decided to experiment with the cooking of the potatoes, because honestly thats the time intensive part.  I filled my bamboo steamer with the cut potatoes and steamed them for 20 minutes.  The texture was perfect, and it was almost effortless.  No mucking about with large vats of water, filling waiting for it to heat, boiling, draining, refilling vat....etc etc etc.  All that will need to be done is to top off the water in the skillet between batches and toss the cooked potatoes out, and toss the raw ones in.

Wednesday is cookie day.  Also up is cooking all the bacon that goes into broccoli salad, which will ease up...
Thursday....ahh sweet sweet Thursday.  Cole slaw, broccoli salad, and potato salad.  And for an extra special kick, the bridal shower.  I'm trying to keep an open mind about the shower.  But I usually dont fit in well at these functions.  Hopefully after a bit I can ignore my dress and relax.  I'd like to enjoy this shower, so am trying to stay positive about it all.
 Friday will be a day of last minute darting about.  The rehearsal is at 4 pm.  Then on to the barbeque.
 Saturday afternoon is the wedding.
Sunday will find us used up, wore out and much much poorer.  The dinner at after the wedding was paid for by us, and for the prices per person I'm not sure why we arent eating larks tongues off of gold plates.  But whatever, its only money.

Ok, until next week
bye!

update:  a loyal reader wanted to know what washboard cookies are.  they are very simple to make, but have a complex flavor thing going on.  how that works im not sure, but they are tasty!

 Washboard Cookies
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg  
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon hot water
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups flour


Milx butter, brown sugar and egg.  Stir together soda and water, add to egg mixture.  Add flour and mix well.  Shape into balls.  Place on greased cookie sheets, flatten with fork both ways (thats how the cookies got their name)  Bake at 325 for 15-20 minutes.

Links of Love by T

Hi y'all.

I dont know if any of you read Links of Love but if you don't, you should.  T is a wonderful person, whose outlook on life is filtered through the lens of love, acceptance and understanding.  After my post yesterday, T wrote a post for me on Links of Love.  T shone a light on my journey and how it is seen by others in a way I've never thought of before.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Life Should Fit to a T

One of the few things in life we all struggle with is finding who we are and then accepting ourselves. Its not always easy or glorious. It is what it is, a journey of many roads and destinations. One surety along the way is our life needs to fit us to a T, as the old saying goes. For those who are Trans, even more so.

I can't say I understand everything that it means to be Trans but I know it has to be a constant struggle. Being stuck in a body that does not match your sexual identity can be depressing and frustrating. Even more so to those around you who care.

As one begins to be more confident in themselves and sure in who they are it can cause those around us to question themselves. This is probably more so true for the Trans community. I can see a parent, a child, a spouse questioning not only their relationship but themselves. Its not an easy thing to deal with for anyone.

Just as a Trans person struggles to find their identity the ones around them struggle to find theirs. A mother might question how she raised her child. A child might question their relationship, since they see a new person emerging. A spouse may question their own sexuality or relationship.

The reasons may be countless but the struggle is the same. A great upheaval or change is occurring in peoples lives. When you change yourself in life you change how you deal with those around you. You may not realize it but you do. Others see it even if you don't. Maybe not always consciously but they feel it.

When we make changes in life we have to remember those around us. The bigger the change in us the bigger the change in those around us. It may take time for its ripple to impact but it will hit and it will ripple back. Hopefully those in our lives can absorb change and the ripple is love and accepting.

Regardless of outcome our journey does include those around us. So if one of us falters or questions along the way maybe we should stop and take the time to reassure or help them as best we can. If people matter to us then our struggle is their struggle and that is our relationship.

I don't want to say this is a magic answer for things but it is an important step if we want to try and keep special people in our lives. It may not work and the issues may be ultimately to large or personal for someone to accept. Not everyone is strong enough to accept core change in themselves or those around them. But we should know if we change who we are, we change our relationship with those around us.

We may be the same person to ourselves but simply expressing it more outward. The problem is our view of change and that of those around us is usually far different. What may be simple or logical to one may be unfathomable to another.

I wish I had a magic answer but there isn't one. People are people and they have to adjust. Some will bounce back freely and others will never absorb the hit of change. That is true of any relationship in life. But I do believe if we truly try and extend patience and love to those who matter to us we can at least maintain a level of connection if not make it stronger.

With all that I have said one must be ones self. Our journey in life may need camp sites to allow those around us to rest but it it should not stop the journey. Because life should fit you to a T.



Love is Never Wrong

Posted by T at 7/11/2011 01:07:00 AM

Sunset

I've fallen into discrepancy as to my level of happiness.  Life has become a series of still and empty hours interrupted by activities that must be performed, like dinner and laundry, bills etc.  When people are around, I liven up only to fall silent when they evaporate.

 TH and I have fallen into  platonic roomies, and nothing more, and I miss the tight tight closeness we used to enjoy.  We had each had our own friends and had separate yet co-joined lives.  No matter what was going on, we met back at the end of each day in a joyous meeting of minds and souls.  Sex has been a struggle throughout our marriage, TH just cant get past feeling guilty.  Where as I am a free spirit when it comes to sex.  Sex is like water and air to me, and twice in 6 months is suffocation rations.

TH cant get past the whole "my wife is a guy".  He claims he is/has, but he really hasn't.  I've been advised by friends to give him more time, and I am.  But I'm worried these are our sunset days. 

If these are the last gasping days of our union, I'm afraid to look into the vista of tomorrow. 

In the dark, whispers echo through my mind.  Whispers of body modification, of removing my breasts, going on T. 

TH says I walk different, more confident.  Larger strides, more aggressively.  Not feminine.

Lies, dirty lies I'm telling myself that I can be happy living within a woman's body.  Because since that day I turned my back on living as my true self, depression has been my constant friend.

Nothing has changed at all for me.  Choosing to live as my true self, I lose TH, choosing TH I lose my inner happiness.  But really I feel as though I've lost him, lost us.

fucking no choice at all that works completely

Five on the Fifth

The theme this month is silver, which I'm interpreting into black and white, sorta kinda, you'll see.  And yeah, there are 6 pictures.  But after seeing one of my subjects in very close up-ness I thought maybe you'd like to see the entire thing!

A very weathered log on Fox Island.

 A drain grate at a historical house in downtown Anchorage.  I took many pictures of this, you might be seeing more of this grate in later posts.  I fell in Love with this grate.  Yes, I know, I'm well odd, but hey you already knew that about me.

 The water has a thick and viscous look to it.  Shooting water in black and white really changes how it feels.

A signpost at the pipeline viewing  station outside of Fairbanks.

An extreme close up of a grill.  To let you see what the rest of this gorgeous grill looks like.....

 A custom imperial serie CL convertible sedan built in 1932.  The CL model was built in limited numbers from 1932-1933 and is regarded by many as the greatest of all Chrysler's.  This was snapped at the wonderful auto museum in Fairbanks.  You can see the whole car if you visit the link.