Party, Party, and Party Again!

Hi Y'all!

Well, since the last update I've clicked a new number on my personal calendar.  Yup!  Your's truly has reached a new milepost, age wise.  And I'm way time challenged, I thought I was a year older than I am!  LOL  yup yup, I'm really that clueless.  For some reason, I've never really cared how old I am, like never.

On the actual b'day I had dinner out with my sis in law.  Yesterday, b'day part II occurred with dinner out with my friend from the video store.  Tonight is b'day supper with TH.  Even tho I'm a total nerd, I'd LOVE it if the apple Apple pie was my b'day cake, for two reasons.  One, I despise cake, no really I do!  And two, tis an apple APPLE pie.  Apple pie is my fav, and then add on the fact its an APPLE pie...sigh perfect, just totally perfect...

If I can get my buddy to go with, this is what I've asked for gift wise.  I sure hope he'll go!!! 

                     hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Each year on my b'day I take stock of the year past, to see if it was a year of treading water, or more successful, this is personal wise.  The take on this past year?  I think it will go into the successful column.  The family front is still fractured due to eldest, who by the by DIDNT call me on my b'day, but I still firmly have a good relationship with the two youngest.  3rd son, has moved outside for work, and his wife moved out to get her PH.D.  

Personally though, I feel ever so much stronger.  I no longer have suicidal thoughts, which can only be considered a good thing indeed.  I'm beginning to find how to blend the inner male me with the outer girl me.  My blend seems to be rather androgynous, bits and pieces of both.  So, I'll wear my leather beaded bracelets with my guy shirts and my skull tennis shoes.  Some from column a, some from column b, which adds up to me.  I weathered the girl clothing just fine for the wedding, with only a bit of personal fraying.  But when I would feel my true self start to fade, I would walk to somewhere.  Why?  Because I no longer walk feminine, I use wider larger strides, bolder as TH says, and after a few steps whew!, I was firmly back, back, back.

I've become more relaxed with my status of a guy.  No longer do I cringe with fear that someone will find out.  Nor do I want to tell one and all who I am.  When I have someone important to me that I want to KNOW the real true me, then I tell them.  Do I still have a hateful relationship with the body?  yeah...a bit....yeah.  The thing that bothers me the most is my breasts, which seems to be an issue for most of us f2m's.  Because really thats the first thing that one thinks of when one hears the word "female".  How often do you check out the chest on a person you're not totally clear on if they are male or female.  Yeah...  Do I still crave, desire a male body, oh hellz shit yeah.  But, I'm beginning to learn how to be me within this body, and of late doing pretty good i think!

I wanna do a shout out a HUGE mega thank you to Jay for my b'day card!  Hugs and kissies to you my friend!

 

Bad Dog No Biscuits!

 "Mom?  Would you mind watching Kobe while we are in Hawaii on our honeymoon?"

"I'd love to watch him!  He's such a little sweetie pie!"


Ahh, the "joy" of living with a 100lbs, 9 months old, untrained puppy.  Sigh....yeah.... lack of sleep for me,  the mass destruction of our stuff, and the sweetest dog when he wants to be.

 This is Kobe, also known as, "NO! DAMNED DOG, DROP IT!"  Doesn't he have the sweetest face?

While out one day, I bought a game for hubby and I to play, Labyrinth the Duel I unpacked the pieces left the box lid on the back of the sofa for just a second while I ran to the bathroom.  And this is what I came back to.  Yeah, I mended it with tape, but really I couldnt have been gone more than 2 minutes.

Yesterday I was doing dishes, and realized that someone wasnt laying on the floor in the kitchen.  Oh..no.....and there he laid on the floor pleased as punch with himself chewing up TH's favorite hat.  While there is only a small hole in the front, the closure in the back is gone, gone, gone.

Remember the high school graduation we attended in May?  Well, that little sweetie made me a pillow one year for Christmas.  Yup, you guessed it he snagged it off the sofa while I was cooking supper, and was happily chewing his way thru it.  It and the other throw pillows, my emergency sweatshirt, are now under lock and key in the downstairs bath.

Yup, thats the guts of the above pillow, and the wee black bits?  Thats the closure of TH's hat.  Yes, before I could even get the pieces of the hat cleaned up, he had destroyed the pillow.

The new home of the garbage can.  Thats the only place out of his reach.  We had the trash in the bathroom for a while, but talk about a pain to keep having to walk to the bath to toss the trash.

The bride and groom come home tonight, and Kobe will be going to the airport with me, and then home with them, and boy howdy will I miss him.  I mean really what a sweet boy he is!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
If you are wondering where I got the title from, tis a song from the "Cowboy Bebop" anime.  Written by the wondrously talented Yoko Kanno.  Here is the song...enjoy!

Whew! What a whirl

Hi y'all!

Sorry I've been gone so long, but things have kinda piled up on me.  I was running on around 2-4 hours a sleep each night during the build up to the three big nights and I think it just caught up to me.  Been under the weather, we are puppy sitting, whom I'm allergic to, and now! have a tooth abscess, sigh....

So, will attempt to do some sort of run down on the week. 

 The cooking was exhausting, but everything came out wonderful!  I ended up only making 2 types of cookies, and we bought a cake, that hadnt been cut by the end of the evening.  On the journey of preparing all of that food, I learned several things:
1. to Never trust food allotments one finds on the web.  I had acres to much food!  An impressively large amount of leftovers actually.  TH took them to work for his co-workers to enjoy.
2.  when making potato salad, never boil the potatoes, but STEAM them!  Not only do the potatoes come out tasting much better, but is ever so much easier.  No large vats of water to lug around, no pouring of boiling water, just fill up the bamboo steamer stick it on the pan of water and steam away, and in a short 14 minutes, your potatoes are perfectly done. They seem to cool quicker and to my mind at least, absorb the flavors better.
3. a food processor makes short work of the slicing and shredding and I was a FOOL for not having one before this.  a total and complete id1ot!

I didnt get a very good picture to share with y'all, sorry about that.  The rest of 'em all have people in them.  But those are SOME of the containers of food.  I had another one of slaw and one more of broccoli salad.

So, the morning of the bridal shower I wake up to realize that I have mucked about so long trying to decide what to wear, that I have nothing to wear!  eep!  I have already decided not to wear a dress.  My sister in law and I were the only two who didnt wear a dress, but it wasn't commented on, at least to our faces.  I rush into the sewing room, and pull out my meager stash of fabric.  Last summer I bought some printed knit material, its soft and lightweight, it would look nice with a pair of white pants.  I look thru all of my patterns...holy ants and cats!  Those would all take forever to make!  Ok, time for a Project Runway Moment, I re-purposed a chinese coat pattern front, and bam!, I had the top done in a little over 2 hours.  The top is very comfortable to wear, cool on our "hot" days.  I've already worn it three times!

I dithered around so long, I never could decide on what top to make so I ended up wearing the skirt I made, a white sweater, and a teal top. I looked ok, not great, way out of the league of most of the people who attended. However, my clothing was so simple and for the most part, comfortable enough for me to ignore it most of the time. Here's a picture of the skirt, which wasnt hemmed when I took the picture.

Without a doubt, this was the best wedding I've ever attended.  Why?  Because the bride and groom GLOWED with happiness throughout the entire ceremony, and into the reception.  The best man, youngest did a great job with his speech.  He brought tears to everyone's eyes with his story.  Bride looked beautiful in her dress, dancing with her dad.  I didnt recognize the song they danced to, it was a country song.  For the song 3rd son and I danced to, was one we fell in love with on a family vacation to Hawaii.

What a week this will be!

Howdy all!

So this is the run up week to 3rd son's wedding, and what a week this should prove to be.  Yesterday in a moment of mental clarity I decided what i needed was a to-do list broken up into days.  After working on my schedule, and my list of things to buy, my mountain of responsibilities seems even larger.  Silly me, I thought the writing of the list, would reduce my trepidation about the coming week, but nope!  I had to keep coming back to add stuff to my list, sigh....

My skirt is finished, except for hemming.  Next up is the top.  And i still need something to wear for the bridal shower.  The invitation stated to come in a summer dress.  So, I guess I'll have to whip one of those up as well.  I have a half done t-shirt that I didnt like how it fit, and some fabric that after I got it home I didnt like.  Surprisingly the two go well together, and it shouldnt take long to morph the items into a quick dress.  Gah!  I cant believe I have to wear two different dresses, within the space of 3 days!!!

I need to finish up the sewing by Monday at the latest.  That way I can be clear for the big push towards the groom's supper.  Now where I grew up, if there were loads of people traveling for a wedding the rehearsal dinner was changed to a groom's supper and the out of town guests were invited.   What with the bridal party and out of town guests we are looking at close to 50 people.  The groom's family are in charge of the rehearsal dinner.  3rd son and wife to be want a barbeque which is fine fine by me.  But lordy lordy that's a load of food to have to prepare!  If you are wondering why I just dont buy the food ready made, its because silly me is allergic to fake food ingredients.  So all of those ingredients that read like a chemistry experiment is what makes me ill.  I would like to be able to eat more than just a burger and chips, ya know?

Here's the menu:
burgers, hot dogs, chicken breast fillets in teriyaki sauce, cole slaw, potato salad, broccoli salad, chips, and cookies for dessert.  I'm making chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies, and washboard cookies.


Last week I purchased my first food processor and took it out for a test spin.  Made cole slaw, and damn if it didnt take me longer to peel the carrots and core the cabbage!  Trying to decide on if i should just buy potato salad, or make it. I decided to experiment with the cooking of the potatoes, because honestly thats the time intensive part.  I filled my bamboo steamer with the cut potatoes and steamed them for 20 minutes.  The texture was perfect, and it was almost effortless.  No mucking about with large vats of water, filling waiting for it to heat, boiling, draining, refilling vat....etc etc etc.  All that will need to be done is to top off the water in the skillet between batches and toss the cooked potatoes out, and toss the raw ones in.

Wednesday is cookie day.  Also up is cooking all the bacon that goes into broccoli salad, which will ease up...
Thursday....ahh sweet sweet Thursday.  Cole slaw, broccoli salad, and potato salad.  And for an extra special kick, the bridal shower.  I'm trying to keep an open mind about the shower.  But I usually dont fit in well at these functions.  Hopefully after a bit I can ignore my dress and relax.  I'd like to enjoy this shower, so am trying to stay positive about it all.
 Friday will be a day of last minute darting about.  The rehearsal is at 4 pm.  Then on to the barbeque.
 Saturday afternoon is the wedding.
Sunday will find us used up, wore out and much much poorer.  The dinner at after the wedding was paid for by us, and for the prices per person I'm not sure why we arent eating larks tongues off of gold plates.  But whatever, its only money.

Ok, until next week
bye!

update:  a loyal reader wanted to know what washboard cookies are.  they are very simple to make, but have a complex flavor thing going on.  how that works im not sure, but they are tasty!

 Washboard Cookies
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg  
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon hot water
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups flour


Milx butter, brown sugar and egg.  Stir together soda and water, add to egg mixture.  Add flour and mix well.  Shape into balls.  Place on greased cookie sheets, flatten with fork both ways (thats how the cookies got their name)  Bake at 325 for 15-20 minutes.

Links of Love by T

Hi y'all.

I dont know if any of you read Links of Love but if you don't, you should.  T is a wonderful person, whose outlook on life is filtered through the lens of love, acceptance and understanding.  After my post yesterday, T wrote a post for me on Links of Love.  T shone a light on my journey and how it is seen by others in a way I've never thought of before.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Life Should Fit to a T

One of the few things in life we all struggle with is finding who we are and then accepting ourselves. Its not always easy or glorious. It is what it is, a journey of many roads and destinations. One surety along the way is our life needs to fit us to a T, as the old saying goes. For those who are Trans, even more so.

I can't say I understand everything that it means to be Trans but I know it has to be a constant struggle. Being stuck in a body that does not match your sexual identity can be depressing and frustrating. Even more so to those around you who care.

As one begins to be more confident in themselves and sure in who they are it can cause those around us to question themselves. This is probably more so true for the Trans community. I can see a parent, a child, a spouse questioning not only their relationship but themselves. Its not an easy thing to deal with for anyone.

Just as a Trans person struggles to find their identity the ones around them struggle to find theirs. A mother might question how she raised her child. A child might question their relationship, since they see a new person emerging. A spouse may question their own sexuality or relationship.

The reasons may be countless but the struggle is the same. A great upheaval or change is occurring in peoples lives. When you change yourself in life you change how you deal with those around you. You may not realize it but you do. Others see it even if you don't. Maybe not always consciously but they feel it.

When we make changes in life we have to remember those around us. The bigger the change in us the bigger the change in those around us. It may take time for its ripple to impact but it will hit and it will ripple back. Hopefully those in our lives can absorb change and the ripple is love and accepting.

Regardless of outcome our journey does include those around us. So if one of us falters or questions along the way maybe we should stop and take the time to reassure or help them as best we can. If people matter to us then our struggle is their struggle and that is our relationship.

I don't want to say this is a magic answer for things but it is an important step if we want to try and keep special people in our lives. It may not work and the issues may be ultimately to large or personal for someone to accept. Not everyone is strong enough to accept core change in themselves or those around them. But we should know if we change who we are, we change our relationship with those around us.

We may be the same person to ourselves but simply expressing it more outward. The problem is our view of change and that of those around us is usually far different. What may be simple or logical to one may be unfathomable to another.

I wish I had a magic answer but there isn't one. People are people and they have to adjust. Some will bounce back freely and others will never absorb the hit of change. That is true of any relationship in life. But I do believe if we truly try and extend patience and love to those who matter to us we can at least maintain a level of connection if not make it stronger.

With all that I have said one must be ones self. Our journey in life may need camp sites to allow those around us to rest but it it should not stop the journey. Because life should fit you to a T.



Love is Never Wrong

Posted by T at 7/11/2011 01:07:00 AM

Sunset

I've fallen into discrepancy as to my level of happiness.  Life has become a series of still and empty hours interrupted by activities that must be performed, like dinner and laundry, bills etc.  When people are around, I liven up only to fall silent when they evaporate.

 TH and I have fallen into  platonic roomies, and nothing more, and I miss the tight tight closeness we used to enjoy.  We had each had our own friends and had separate yet co-joined lives.  No matter what was going on, we met back at the end of each day in a joyous meeting of minds and souls.  Sex has been a struggle throughout our marriage, TH just cant get past feeling guilty.  Where as I am a free spirit when it comes to sex.  Sex is like water and air to me, and twice in 6 months is suffocation rations.

TH cant get past the whole "my wife is a guy".  He claims he is/has, but he really hasn't.  I've been advised by friends to give him more time, and I am.  But I'm worried these are our sunset days. 

If these are the last gasping days of our union, I'm afraid to look into the vista of tomorrow. 

In the dark, whispers echo through my mind.  Whispers of body modification, of removing my breasts, going on T. 

TH says I walk different, more confident.  Larger strides, more aggressively.  Not feminine.

Lies, dirty lies I'm telling myself that I can be happy living within a woman's body.  Because since that day I turned my back on living as my true self, depression has been my constant friend.

Nothing has changed at all for me.  Choosing to live as my true self, I lose TH, choosing TH I lose my inner happiness.  But really I feel as though I've lost him, lost us.

fucking no choice at all that works completely

Five on the Fifth

The theme this month is silver, which I'm interpreting into black and white, sorta kinda, you'll see.  And yeah, there are 6 pictures.  But after seeing one of my subjects in very close up-ness I thought maybe you'd like to see the entire thing!

A very weathered log on Fox Island.

 A drain grate at a historical house in downtown Anchorage.  I took many pictures of this, you might be seeing more of this grate in later posts.  I fell in Love with this grate.  Yes, I know, I'm well odd, but hey you already knew that about me.

 The water has a thick and viscous look to it.  Shooting water in black and white really changes how it feels.

A signpost at the pipeline viewing  station outside of Fairbanks.

An extreme close up of a grill.  To let you see what the rest of this gorgeous grill looks like.....

 A custom imperial serie CL convertible sedan built in 1932.  The CL model was built in limited numbers from 1932-1933 and is regarded by many as the greatest of all Chrysler's.  This was snapped at the wonderful auto museum in Fairbanks.  You can see the whole car if you visit the link.

Beautiful Seward

Hi all!
 
Went to the dentist today for some gum work, so not very chatty today.  Honestly though, Seward is like this wee little jewel tucked up against mountains and the sea.

This is the view from my hotel room, lovely yeah?

 Hotel lobby.  Love those windows!  Sure wouldnt want to clean 'em.

 Downtown Seward has many "old" buildings.  I say "old" because the town was established in 1903, but for Alaska tis old.  Oh....see the wee little orange car?  Yup!  That's mine.

No, I have no idea what I.O.O.F. stands for, and there wasnt any signage to explain it, sure wish there had of been.....

 I'm not sure if this was a dock that was damaged in the '64 earthquake or not.  I just thought it was picturesque.

 Wee little mussels (?) live between the rails of the dock from above.  Dinner anyone?

 Yeah a hipstamatic pic, couldnt resist.

Kenai Lake on the way out of Seward. 

I promise that I'll get caught up on my comments on everyone's blogs, but am so behind the power curve right now you just wouldn't believe it.  And now, I'm going to go lie down, my mouth is throbbing.  See ya!

The Long and Winding Road

Whew!  I'm back and had a terrific time! Best damned vacation I've had in many a long day.  What made it so good?  Well for starters Newleaf is a great guy, and he has the same talent that I have for making anything, and I do many ANYTHING dirty.  We can double entendre like you wouldnt believe.

Looking over my pictures I took of our trip, I couldnt decide what to post, so many...... Alaska is just to photogenic!  LOL  So, today I'll post pictures of just our trip onboard the Kenai Fjord Tours boat, which left from Seward.  I didnt get pictures of some of the sealife.  Why?  I was to amazed to even remember that I had a camera!  And there were times when it was to far out for my point and shoot to pick up.  I didnt get a picture of the sea otters, porpoises, the humpback whales, or the fin whales.  Yeah, we saw all of those, and more.  And here we go!

 Our ship pulling into the slip.  This ship was very smooth even on choppy water, and amazingly quiet.

 

 Lush islands in Resurrection Bay area. 

Harbor seals at rest. 

Killer whales!!!!  This is the adult male of the pod.  Killer whales stay in the pod they are born into their entire lives.  When different pods meet up the males will go over and mate with a female and then go back to his mother.  This pod was comprised of this whale's mother, his sister, and several of her offspring.  He is the only one that got close to the boat.  His sister had a new baby that was so tiny!  To explain just how big he is, the dorsal fin is 6 feet (1.828 Meters) tall.

Sea Lions.  Yeah, I know they are kinda smallish.  If you click-ity the pic to embiggen it, you can see them better.  Next time I go, I'm going to have a better camera!  But let me tell ya, sea lions STENCH!  Image a combination of wet dog, cat pee and rotted fish.  Whew!  As you see we didnt get all that close either. I cant imagine getting closer to those smelly beasts.  But still it was cool to see them, and hear them vocalize.

As we got closer to Aialik Glacier the more slush was in the ocean.  The temperature dropped several degrees also.

The chunks of ice got bigger as we drew ever nearer Aialik glacier.  Mentions of the Titanic were heard from our fellow passengers.  We could hear them bump against the hull, a few of them caused the boat to slightly shudder. 

 The ice continues to get ever larger! 

 This was a monster iceberg!  We passed several of these, causing the passengers to become eerily silent. 

 Aialik Glacier.  It was huge!  We saw it calve a few times, but alas I didnt have my camera pointed in the right direction.  (wipes tear)  When the ice would hit the water it sounded like gun shots.  None of the pieces that fell were very large, so we didnt get much in the way of ripples.

I moved away from the glacier side of the boat to let more people have picture access.  While standing at the rail, I heard what to me sounded like breakfast time.  Then I realized it was the ice making that sound.  If you look closely you can see the air "boil" out of the ice.  When the snow compresses into ice, the air gets trapped, and when it melts it pops.

If you ever get the chance to visit Alaska, this trip is a must do, no question about it.  The scenery, the sea life, and what made it even better, is the running dialog about what we were looking at from the captain.  They were informative without being the least bit boring.

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!

Sunday evening Newleaf will be coming into town, for a fun filled week.  Its been cooler and rainy, thank heavens, calming most of the forest fires, and letting the crews get a handle and getting a few of them out.  While we desperately need rain, I'd like a few days of clear skies so we can see the mountians and whatnot without smoke or clouds getting in our way.

Usually whenever we have guests up, they are squired around by TH due to one reason or another.  This is my first time showing someone our lovely state.  I'm excited and hope I do a good job so that Newleaf has a great time.

So until next Sunday I'll be away, see ya all next week!

Bye!

Cowboy up

I'm just going to man up, and wear a dress for both occassions.  And yeah, this time the decision sticks. A friend of mine told me to "cowboy up", and that's what I'm doing.

Also, I want to tell  ya all mega thanks, for reading my whining about the whole stupid clothing thing.  You've heard the last of the clothing issues from me.

and the fork ran away with the spoon

Usually I'm a very decisive person.  When I have a decision to make,  I look at the choices, weigh each option, and then make a decision, done.  I've always been that way.  I may agonize a bit over the choices, like last summer.  The decision that I arrive at might not make me totally happy, however if I feel that to be the best thing to do, that is what I do, end of story.  While my decision to never transition hasn't wavered, it's a continuing source of sadness for me.  Something that I don't see changing, but really I dont see myself happy with either choice that is available to me.

What is driving me nuts is my lack of being able to make a decision and stick to it on what to wear to the wedding. 

A decision is made, a choice is thoroughly thought out and I'm ok with it.  But within days, or at times even hours later the desire to attend in that fades completely away.

Truthfully it's all I can think of.  Day and night, the question floats around in my head.  Options, choices float by, each having a great reason for being there, until I grab one, and then it flares into smoke in my hand, and I'm left with nothing.

Here's my choices as I see them.
1.  I wear a dress and make everyone else happy, but not me.
2.  I wear a dressy trouser outfit, this choice would make me happier, but not 3rd son.
3.  I come as I wish, something rather funky, rather unusual, look like me, but really really stick out like a sore thumb.  And feel awkward all night.

After writing this all out?  I can see what my major malfunction is.  It's who to please, them or me.  I'm tired of submersing my needs and desires for others.  I fear upsetting the family, as I've been tossed away by my birth family, and am really on thin ice as it is with eldest.  I'm tired being discarded by people who claim to love me. 

How weary I am though of never being able please me.  Always having to please others first, or only.  I've been called a "doormat" before by a friend on blogger.  While some of my actions could be seen that way, what I think it all boils down to is the fear of being tossed away.  TH has always been there for me, never wavered in his devotion to me, and before this winter, I thought that my relationship with my sons was secure as well.  If we could pop their females out of the equation then I know where I stand with the boys.  Add them in, and the whole game becomes a wild card, a crap shoot, a step into the unknown, and that's where my fear lies.

I never in my wildest dreams thought any thing in the world would come between myself and eldest.  We were so damned tight.  We were simpatico.  On the same page.  And possibly that could have been Dil's issue with me, she felt threatened by my presence in Eldest's life and I had to be eliminated.

Which leaves me standing at a fork in the road, whom to please?  Them? or  Me? 

5 on the Fifth

Stephen Chapman of the blog, The State Of The Nation UK runs the 5 on the Fifth bloggerthon each month.  

 

Some how, I managed to fall off of his email list again.  Thanks Daniel, for reminding me today is the 5th!

My new game passion, We Rule.  Tis a bit like Sim City, but better.  Much more free form, something I adore.

A New forest fire! If you are curious about just how much of our state is currently ablaze, clickity .  One of the buttons on the site also shows the smoke.

A New-er more improved night sky, due to the forest fires!  At least they are good for something, yeah?  But I would much rather have dull sunsets, thank you very much!

 New baby cucumbers!  Yay!  I do love growing tasty things to eat!

A fresh New hell.  Not only am I expected to wear a dress to the wedding, but now I have to wear one to the bridal shower.  So, am thinking of funking up the bridal shower dress, ya know?  But we shall see.