My inner and my outer don't match, and while I am cool with that, as that has been my reality for my entire life, it's just now I have words to define who/what I am. I took to the word androgyne quite easily. Transgender, was a whole different can of worms. It actually took me a few days to even be able to say the word out loud.
And then the questions starting to perk, thoughts that were relatively new to me. Questioning what was me, the real true stripped to my core me, and how much of me was social construct? Is there any way to rub off what society has painted on me? Do I even want to do that?
Mainly I'm trying to tease apart how much of a "boy" I am. What part of me is actually "girl"? The feminine things I do, is that an expression of me, or my conforming to society ideals of femininity, as of this moment I have no clear idea. I love to knit, and when I was a child, men just didn't knit, but all the women in my circle did needle crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery. It took them a long while to corral me into sitting down long enough to even learn how. I was happiest outside running, climbing trees, getting muddy, and riding my bike as hard as possible without any fear of falling or getting hurt. I was given to my Grandmother for awhile when I was around 7, for her to tame me. I had been asleep, but woke up to use the bathroom when I heard my name mentioned. Sitting there on the floor of the hallway, listening to my female parent and my part time step dad talking with an aunt and my grandmother about how I was turning into a tom boy, and was to wild for my own good. For the rest of Grandmothers life, she worked at taming me. Teaching me how to can veggies and fruits, knitting, and cooking. She was a sweet and very kind lady, never lifting her voice, getting her way by subterfuge, never confrontation. I was allowed to climb trees, but only as a place to sit outside and read.
I think my family saw more of the true me and worked at changing me into something more "acceptable". One of the questions I have is that what caused my female parent beat me so severely? Did she hate what she saw? A girl in body but not in spirit? And her always shaky hold on reality, she was never able to handle any new situations, was stressed by my difference? Am I excusing her abuse? NEVER! It's just that she is mentally ill, borderline schizophrenic, and these are questions that fly around in my head.
My entire life I have swung between acting and dressing masculine and feminine. It's almost like dress up for me when I dress feminine, but in real life. It's a rare occasion when I make it out of the bathroom with lipstick on, for whatever reason that is something that really upsets me. And in a few of the more feminine periods of my life, when my self respect was rather fragile, a weird look from my husband about my makeup or hair would send me into self doubt, almost a self hate. I had no idea who I was, and it was eroding me. Luckily in my area you can dress down as a woman and aren't really thought poorly of for doing so.
Trying to decipher myself I keep coming to the same cliff face, and I keep peeking over it. Transexual, am I actually transexual, or am I transgender? And therein lies the reason behind my wondering how much of me is "boy". If all of my "girl" is social construct then what am I left with? I'm left with being all "boy" inside. And what do I want to do with this understanding of me? Will I be content to live as I have all of these years, or do I want more? I have absolutely no idea what so ever. I keep coming back to the mirror. There are things about me that I'm not happy with. And I'm not talking the usual things, a bit of extra weight, being short, no my actual package of my being female. When I started puberty I freaked. I hated the breasts sprouting on my chest. Luckily they never got very large, but still I have them…… And now? I keep finding myself googling pictures of top surgery. Googling articles about testosterone treatment. The hormone treatments would still let me live in the realm of transgender, but the surgery? Oh hello and welcome to the world of transexual.
If I jump over the cliff to fly into the world of transexual, my entire life would change, and not for the better. It would mean coming out to everyone, some thing that quells my heart to a stand still. The thought of telling the boys? Tears are now rolling down my face at the very thought. But the biggie is T.H. Me transitioning into a boy is a deal breaker. My starting male hormones is also a deal breaker. I feel like I'm caught in a net, the more I struggle the more entangled I become. I see no way out thru the coils of my mind. Boy? Girl? Trans gender? Transexual? Androgyne?
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My favorite Holiday of the Year, St. Patrick's
Yes, St. Paddy's day is my favorite holiday of the year! You are sitting there right now wondering what is wrong with me. Well besides the usual? Today is my anniversary. And per usual for me, not of our wedding, but to me of a far more important date, the day T.H. and I met. If you don't know me well, there is a little quirk in my make up, ok ok more than one I will admit to, but for our visit today, only one is important. I almost never know what number a day is, and often forget what day it is, and almost every holiday, birthday (including my own) surprise me when they arrive. I was always the kid that wasn't wearing green and so got pinched a lot, because I never remembered that it was St. Paddy's. So, as you can see, me remembering what day we met is a huge thing. March is a busy month for us, two of the boys celebrate their birthdays, and one of my daughters in law is a happy March baby too. Since holidays make most of us nostalgic, let me tell you how we met.
Date: St. Patrick's Day, 1978
Place: My college dorm
Time: pfft! not a clue! LOL
I'm in bed, dead asleep when someone starts shaking me. Blearily prying my eyes open, I roll over trying to focus on why I'm being ripped from the sweet arms of sleep. Standing over me is a friend and she looks rather wound up. Thinking I'm late for a class I start to sit up, then I remember that today is Saturday! WTF! And why is she waking me up? I roll back over, almost asleep again, when she pulls the covers down, and then just as quickly pulling them back up. She has a thing against being naked. Knowing she won't leave me to sleep in peace until I talk to her, I lean over the side of the bed, and root around looking for something to put on. Ah! A tee-shirt, I duck down under the covers, pull it on, and sit up. Needless to say, I'm not a happy camper, I'm not happy at all. It's sometime on a Saturday, the sun is still up, and why am I awake? She cocks me a look, which leads me back to the side of the bed where I again root around looking for something to wear. Even though I am covered up, me being naked bothers her. I feel a band of elastic, great a pair undies! And pull out a pair of men's undies...... hum, ok that won't work. And yes the look on her face wasn't very pleased. Giving up trying to please her very Puritan ethics, I asked her why on earth was she bothering me? She was almost bursting with excitement, get up, get up, get up, she keep saying, almost without a space to breath. Knowing that she would just have to run down before I could get anything out of her, I laid down again. Only to have her pull me up! Ok, and now my rather long fuse to mad is about encounter the black powder.
"You have to get up now! You don't want to miss him!" Miss who? I'm not following at all, and have less than no idea what she is talking about. I'm within seconds of loosing my temper and doing something unforgivable, namely getting out of bed naked, which will set her against me for a while. Finally she catches on that I don't have a damned clue to what she is babbling on about. "My brother, he is coming today! You promised that you would be there to meet him. You Promised! He called he will be here in an hour or so. Get up!" Finally I remembered her extracting a promise to meet her brother, and waved my hand at the door making shooing gestures, and thankfully she left me in peace. I heard thru the door, "I'll be back for you! Get ready!"
Now this girl was a pale friend, we had almost no places where our lives or interests crossed. The only reason I knew her, is that her my best friend and her best friend shared a dorm room next door. Sister is very religious, and me? Pfft, no I lost my ability to believe years ago. They live in the middle of Alaska, is some town that has fewer people than our dorm does! I don't care how cute he is! He isn't my type at all. But a promise is a promise, so I get up. I'll go but I'm so not making any effort here. Picking up my favorite jeans from the floor, I looked down at the tee-shirt I had on. It was my worn out junior high gym shirt, ehh it would do, I'll just wear my dorm hoodie over it. Dragging a comb thru my hair, it looked like I had just rolled out of bed, ok hat it is. I pulled a ball cap on, and peered into the mirror. I stuck my feet in a pair of high top converse, that all the girls on the floor made fun of. Why can't I focus today? Oh yeah right, I need to put my contacts in. Got them in, washed the face, brushed the teeth, and that was as good as it was going to get.
I was laying on the bed, almost asleep again when Sister barged back into my room. Pulling me up, I stumbled along behind her to the parking lot. Yes, we were going to the parking lot, no waiting for him to arrive in her dorm room, nooo. I sat down on a curb and leaned against a nearby car my eyes already closing, gods above was I tired. Hearing a feminine squeal from Sister, I knew Brother must have shown up. Great! I could do the meet and greet and then get back to bed. Ah, sweet sweet sleep! Staggering to my feet, I carefully rubbed my eyes and followed the 10 or so girls she had corralled into meeting Brother. Wanting to do this right, so she wouldn't be all angry with me later, I shook my self awake mentally, slapped on a little smile and prepared to do just the bare amount I needed to do to appease her so I could go back to bed. The gaggle of girls parted just as I got caught up, giving me a clear path to see this paragon of a brother.
And. My. Heart. Stopped. Beating.
The world fell silent, the color drained away. There was only two people in the world, and he looked as stunned as I felt.
Date: St. Patrick's Day, 1978
Place: My college dorm
Time: pfft! not a clue! LOL
I'm in bed, dead asleep when someone starts shaking me. Blearily prying my eyes open, I roll over trying to focus on why I'm being ripped from the sweet arms of sleep. Standing over me is a friend and she looks rather wound up. Thinking I'm late for a class I start to sit up, then I remember that today is Saturday! WTF! And why is she waking me up? I roll back over, almost asleep again, when she pulls the covers down, and then just as quickly pulling them back up. She has a thing against being naked. Knowing she won't leave me to sleep in peace until I talk to her, I lean over the side of the bed, and root around looking for something to put on. Ah! A tee-shirt, I duck down under the covers, pull it on, and sit up. Needless to say, I'm not a happy camper, I'm not happy at all. It's sometime on a Saturday, the sun is still up, and why am I awake? She cocks me a look, which leads me back to the side of the bed where I again root around looking for something to wear. Even though I am covered up, me being naked bothers her. I feel a band of elastic, great a pair undies! And pull out a pair of men's undies...... hum, ok that won't work. And yes the look on her face wasn't very pleased. Giving up trying to please her very Puritan ethics, I asked her why on earth was she bothering me? She was almost bursting with excitement, get up, get up, get up, she keep saying, almost without a space to breath. Knowing that she would just have to run down before I could get anything out of her, I laid down again. Only to have her pull me up! Ok, and now my rather long fuse to mad is about encounter the black powder.
"You have to get up now! You don't want to miss him!" Miss who? I'm not following at all, and have less than no idea what she is talking about. I'm within seconds of loosing my temper and doing something unforgivable, namely getting out of bed naked, which will set her against me for a while. Finally she catches on that I don't have a damned clue to what she is babbling on about. "My brother, he is coming today! You promised that you would be there to meet him. You Promised! He called he will be here in an hour or so. Get up!" Finally I remembered her extracting a promise to meet her brother, and waved my hand at the door making shooing gestures, and thankfully she left me in peace. I heard thru the door, "I'll be back for you! Get ready!"
Now this girl was a pale friend, we had almost no places where our lives or interests crossed. The only reason I knew her, is that her my best friend and her best friend shared a dorm room next door. Sister is very religious, and me? Pfft, no I lost my ability to believe years ago. They live in the middle of Alaska, is some town that has fewer people than our dorm does! I don't care how cute he is! He isn't my type at all. But a promise is a promise, so I get up. I'll go but I'm so not making any effort here. Picking up my favorite jeans from the floor, I looked down at the tee-shirt I had on. It was my worn out junior high gym shirt, ehh it would do, I'll just wear my dorm hoodie over it. Dragging a comb thru my hair, it looked like I had just rolled out of bed, ok hat it is. I pulled a ball cap on, and peered into the mirror. I stuck my feet in a pair of high top converse, that all the girls on the floor made fun of. Why can't I focus today? Oh yeah right, I need to put my contacts in. Got them in, washed the face, brushed the teeth, and that was as good as it was going to get.
I was laying on the bed, almost asleep again when Sister barged back into my room. Pulling me up, I stumbled along behind her to the parking lot. Yes, we were going to the parking lot, no waiting for him to arrive in her dorm room, nooo. I sat down on a curb and leaned against a nearby car my eyes already closing, gods above was I tired. Hearing a feminine squeal from Sister, I knew Brother must have shown up. Great! I could do the meet and greet and then get back to bed. Ah, sweet sweet sleep! Staggering to my feet, I carefully rubbed my eyes and followed the 10 or so girls she had corralled into meeting Brother. Wanting to do this right, so she wouldn't be all angry with me later, I shook my self awake mentally, slapped on a little smile and prepared to do just the bare amount I needed to do to appease her so I could go back to bed. The gaggle of girls parted just as I got caught up, giving me a clear path to see this paragon of a brother.
And. My. Heart. Stopped. Beating.
The world fell silent, the color drained away. There was only two people in the world, and he looked as stunned as I felt.
With a suddenness that felt rather like a bad case of vertigo, the world snapped back, with all the noise and color it usually held. Sister ran around making introductions, in between hugging the life out of him. When it was my turn, I held my hand out, something none of the other girls had done, but I like to shake hands, and to be honest I had to touch him. When our hands touched, I never wanted to let go. All thoughts of sleep were banished from my thoughts. I followed thru one silly thing to the next only to be in the same room, college, city, state, world as him. And he kept moving around trying to place himself next me, or if that wasn't possible stood or sat so that he could see me. I don't think I listened to anything anyone said except for future T.H. I was lost in his hazel eyes, the smooth flow of his voice, the way his muscles moved under his clothes. Was it lust? Ehh, a bit, I won't lie to you. But, this was so much more than that. It was moth me drawn to the candle of him. Dinner time came and Sister and future T.H. left.
I spent every available minute possible with him that week. Four days later he proposed to me. He left for a few weeks, but called every evening when he knew I would be back from classes and work. From St. Paddy's day until college let out in the middle of May, he would come and go, spending weeks with me. He hated going, but had made plans prior to leaving Alaska to visit friends and family, and if T.H. makes a promise almost nothing will shake him from making it good. We parted for a few weeks before he flew me up to Alaska for a visit, and I never left. July came and unable to wait any longer, we married on the 28th. At a friends house, with only his family in attendance. This summer we plan on having a blow out anniversary party, and are toying with renewing our vows. I feel the first time took really well, who wants to jinx it? But we shall see.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Heart and Soul
Sunday dawned bright and beautiful, the sun reflecting off the snow was almost painful it was so bright. T.H. suggested that we go for a drive and enjoy the sun. As I jumped up into the truck, and shut the door, he asked me what had been bothering me lately. Said he noticed how unhappy I had been of late and wanted to know what was going on. I told him he didn't want to know what I was upset about, he told me to try him. Gender issues, I told him.
As we drove finally, in fits and starts all the stuff I had been holding in came tumbling out. Things were going along well and I felt like we were finally connecting again, when the question I had been dreading popped up. Do you want a sex change? I explained that yes, part of me really wants a sex change, and no I didn't want a sex change. He wanted to know why yes, and why no. I explained to the best of my abilities that while I do feel like a girl only rarely, I'm not sure that getting totally rid of my girl body would be something that I would want. And to be brutally honest, you can't build working boy parts out of girl parts. What I have, while it doesn't completely fit me, at least works as it was designed, which is important if you ask me.
T.H. told me that if I wanted a sex change, it was a deal breaker. And ya know what? I'm totally cool with that, and understand him completely. He didn't marry a boy, he married a girl, expecting the status quo to be maintained. After listening to my reasons for not to have a sex change, he agreed with all of my reasonings and then said, "So, you will be unhappy in your own skin the rest of your life?" What a perfectly wonderful thing to say! He finally is starting to get it, and is understanding of my dilemma. I go thru periods of wanting a boy body, and not liking my girl body, and I DO go thru periods of liking my girl body......yes, yes I know, what a mess.
We are talking again, and life is good. He keeps asking me if I want him to treat me differently, and I keep telling him to just love me like he always has. Because I am not a new person, only a person with new knowledge of who and what I am. Same same me, no change there, only a new understanding of me. So, we are both going to have to feel our way thru this whole new understanding of me, and I think we will encounter road bumps as we go along. And yes, I did tell him that I refuse to go back to a more fem hair style, this is here to stay. My clothing is going to change also, and he was cool with that too. He said if I do go to far for him to be comfortable with it, he mention it. Honestly though, I think he will just pull back away again, if we hit a large bump and it will take work to get things worked out.
But, for the first time in a really long time, I have hope for our future. I believe that we have a tomorrow together, and not apart. The specter of life without my heart, my lover was something I didn't even want to contemplate, and thankfully now I don't have to.
As we drove finally, in fits and starts all the stuff I had been holding in came tumbling out. Things were going along well and I felt like we were finally connecting again, when the question I had been dreading popped up. Do you want a sex change? I explained that yes, part of me really wants a sex change, and no I didn't want a sex change. He wanted to know why yes, and why no. I explained to the best of my abilities that while I do feel like a girl only rarely, I'm not sure that getting totally rid of my girl body would be something that I would want. And to be brutally honest, you can't build working boy parts out of girl parts. What I have, while it doesn't completely fit me, at least works as it was designed, which is important if you ask me.
T.H. told me that if I wanted a sex change, it was a deal breaker. And ya know what? I'm totally cool with that, and understand him completely. He didn't marry a boy, he married a girl, expecting the status quo to be maintained. After listening to my reasons for not to have a sex change, he agreed with all of my reasonings and then said, "So, you will be unhappy in your own skin the rest of your life?" What a perfectly wonderful thing to say! He finally is starting to get it, and is understanding of my dilemma. I go thru periods of wanting a boy body, and not liking my girl body, and I DO go thru periods of liking my girl body......yes, yes I know, what a mess.
We are talking again, and life is good. He keeps asking me if I want him to treat me differently, and I keep telling him to just love me like he always has. Because I am not a new person, only a person with new knowledge of who and what I am. Same same me, no change there, only a new understanding of me. So, we are both going to have to feel our way thru this whole new understanding of me, and I think we will encounter road bumps as we go along. And yes, I did tell him that I refuse to go back to a more fem hair style, this is here to stay. My clothing is going to change also, and he was cool with that too. He said if I do go to far for him to be comfortable with it, he mention it. Honestly though, I think he will just pull back away again, if we hit a large bump and it will take work to get things worked out.
But, for the first time in a really long time, I have hope for our future. I believe that we have a tomorrow together, and not apart. The specter of life without my heart, my lover was something I didn't even want to contemplate, and thankfully now I don't have to.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Life in Plastic
I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
I'm both male and female. In Taoist belief I am the perfect empty circle. The balance of yin (feminine) and yang (male) has reached a quiescent with me. Not wrong, not right, but just who I am. At once both, but not fully either.
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
After struggling around within myself now for weeks, feeling like a fish on a sharp barbed hook, I finally just stopped running away from me. Me, what I am, what in a perfect world I would be, male.
I have a female side, but how much of that is actually me, and how much is social construction, or protective camaflague? There is no way of being able to know positively, without any doubts. How does one even go about dissecting an inner life between what I naturally am, and how I have been molded by society.
Am I a man tangled within the confines of a womans body? Yes, I believe so. Would I trade my present form for that of a male? Yes....if there were no complications, no repercussions with the life I now live. If it were possible to build an actual working boy body out of girl parts....but as we all know that's impossible.
I'm both male and female. In Taoist belief I am the perfect empty circle. The balance of yin (feminine) and yang (male) has reached a quiescent with me. Not wrong, not right, but just who I am. At once both, but not fully either.
So what does this mean for my present life? Do I have changes planned? A few, only a very few. As money allows, I'll be changing my clothing to items that feel more like me, that make me happy, like my hair does. Clothing that doesn't feel like a costume, or even worse make me want to hide. A more gender netural wardrobe, glasses and hopefully I will begin to feel more whole. Less fractured into my many parts.
While chatting with Aek one night he made me realize that I am a doormat to my family. It hurt, as the truth often does, and many tears were spilled. I took that knowledge and used it to examine my life. Was it only the childhood abuse that caused me to act in a very submissive way? Or was it just another symptom of my need to be camaflagued? Who knows, and it's really not that important. I do know that I took this new info and tackled T.H. about money issues. I took him to the mat, and came out victorious! And the very best part of the whole experience? At no time did my voice go shakey, did I come close to tears! I was calm, cool and never raised my voice.
Does this mean I'm going to force T.H. (the husband) to deal with my true gender? No, it does not. This is something that he is going to gradually absorb for him to be ok with it. He is currently enjoying a grace period of no remarks about my gender. How long will his grace period last? Your guess is as good as mine. But after that period of calm has passed, he will be receiving comments, observations and any other tidbit I feel the need to pass on. Is allowing T.H. that grace period more of my doormattiness? No, I don't really believe so. I think if I was to push to strongly, hard and bitter feelings would pile up. Feelings I'm not sure I could over look easily. I'm to new, to raw to withstand harsh words without them leaving a permanent scar, both on my heart and our marriage.
Will I ever come out to the boys? The desire is there to be sure. But will I? To be honest, I have no idea. So, I will continue my plastic life, it's fantastic, not.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Lookin out my Backdoor
If it is March, it is time for the Ice Festival in Fairbanks. So, we loaded up the truck with our winter gear and headed off to Fairbanks to check out what has been carved so far. Only the single blocks have been finished and judged. The multi block sculptures are still being worked on. The single blocks weigh 5 tons and are 3x5x8. The multi blocks are built out of 12 blocks that are 3x3x4 and weight up to 20 tons! Here are a few of my favorites. Pictures courtesy of T.H. (the husband).
This is called Cell-R-Ice
Swimming Free
Junk Shark
Chasing the Wind
This is a sneak peek at one of the multi block sculptures in progress. We had such a good time, even though the weather was cold, it was about 8F or-13C. I did get really cold, even thru all of my gear. When the large ones are finished, I want to go back and see more!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Shadow of the Day
Hey, I want to tell all of you thank you for all of your support lately. It means a lot to me, the difference between keeping it together and loosing it totally. I'm going to use your comments from my last post to answer some of your questions, and fill you in on how I am feeling about things.
Aek said: Because he's known you for so long, don't you think he might see through your "light and fluffy?" If not, then he's also avoiding the subject I think, but idk.
At least the good thing about hair is that it grows out. I hope you'll find a balance between what both of you can tolerate. It's cold enough up there.
My normal conversation is light and fluffy. I flow from topic to topic normally when I chat with T.H. So, would he notice a difference in our conversations? No, most likely not. Is he avoiding the subject? Most definitely yes.
The one thing that will not change, that I refuse to back down on, is my hair. In my entire life I have never enjoyed looking in a mirror, and now to my great surprise and delight, I do. It just looks right, it feels even better, I feel like the me inside, not what I'm supposed to be, but what I feel I am. All the boys love my hair, I even got a big hug and was told, "Cool hair mom!" Which from a son is high praise indeed.
So, how will I deal with T.H. and the issue of me looking like a boy because of my hair style? Pitch dark bedroom comes to mind first. And no I am NOT trying to make light of it. Joshua made me realize just how much this has to be shaking T.H.'s view of his sexuality. Because if I keep telling him about my inner boy? Then just what does that make him, yeah now you see it too. And if he can't see my hair while we are making love, then it should be ok, until he comes to terms with the fact that this doesn't make him anything else than what he has been all these years.
Mr. Hci and Bob both offered this: If things don't improve very soon, I hope you'll consider some kind of couples' counseling, especially if you can find someone with experience dealing with sexuality issues with couples.
This goes back to the whole won't talk about it issue. I think the best thing to do right now, is just to let things sit. Let him calm down and just allow him the time to process things. He doesn't ever jump to make any decision. No, T.H. is more of a studier, a thinker, a mull things over kinda guy. Me? Oh I am one of those snap decisions kinda person.
When I changed my name he acted just like he is doing now. At first very supportive of it, and then as time passed things changed, and he didn't want to hear me talk about it any more. Totally clammed up, sound familiar? Yeah, it does to me too. So, what I expect will happen, is that a funny look, or a short word from him, will cause me to blow open, and everything will come tumbling out of me. Will it be pretty? No. Will it be loud? On my part, hellz yeah! And this is just what happened when I changed my name. Even though he knew how important it was to me to have a name that was clean and free of bad memories, he pulled away from it. Until like now, I was left alone in my decision. Then one day the damned up feelings burst out of me, and I pushed him into a chair and basically screamed at him. Telling him that I gave him a chance to voice his disagreement back at the beginning of that long journey, and that it was high time he lived up to that commitment he made to me then. T.H. had the balls to tell me he wasn't going to ever use my new name! Yeah, that didn't go over well to say the least. I put him on notice that he had until my court date to get used to my name, and after that he had to use my new name. He was stubborn for a while and refused to call me anything at all. He has come to terms with my name, it took him about 6 months or so. And he often pointed out to me, quite gleefully in fact, that he wasn't using my new name and wasn't sure he was going to.
My role in our relationship seems to be to keep him moving. He is a rock, you always know what you are going to get out of him. My more quicksilver person is to keep him rolling into the now and towards the future. He would be stationary I do believe if it wasn't for myself and the boys. He kicked and hollered about getting cellphones, but he is rarely without his now!
I have been thinking about talking to a therapist myself. Never have I had any luck with them before. In the past I saw one hoping to be able to talk out some of the feelings I had pent up inside of me from the years of abuse from my mother. All she was interested in was giving me tips on how to deal with her now. And yes, that was very helpful, but that's not what I needed. So, am rather wary about trying again. I don't trust easily tbh, and the only therapist in town that deals with gender issues, is a woman...... and I don't ever seem to connect well with them. So, idk.
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I can't even imagine my life without T.H.! He is my world. Do I love him? Hellz yea! The even bigger question, am I still in love with him? Yes, yes, yes. When I hear his ring tone, my heart just soars. And when he wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his chest, I am home. From the way he holds me, I know he feels the same for me. These past few weeks have been hell, and if I allow him to continue on as he is doing, I can see us getting a divorce. Because once again he has gotten stuck in the rut of stubbornness…… and it is my job to dynamite him out of it.
For now? I will go it alone, cry on all of your shoulders, and into my pillow when he isn't' home. The introspection into me, and what if any changes, including both superficial and physical that I want to make, will continue. He is living on borrowed time, the countdown has begun. If he fails to come to terms with it? Refuses to open up and talk to me or a therapist about it? Well then, it could be the beginning of the end. Because I refuse to be a doormat and submerge my feelings forever.
Aek said: Because he's known you for so long, don't you think he might see through your "light and fluffy?" If not, then he's also avoiding the subject I think, but idk.
At least the good thing about hair is that it grows out. I hope you'll find a balance between what both of you can tolerate. It's cold enough up there.
My normal conversation is light and fluffy. I flow from topic to topic normally when I chat with T.H. So, would he notice a difference in our conversations? No, most likely not. Is he avoiding the subject? Most definitely yes.
The one thing that will not change, that I refuse to back down on, is my hair. In my entire life I have never enjoyed looking in a mirror, and now to my great surprise and delight, I do. It just looks right, it feels even better, I feel like the me inside, not what I'm supposed to be, but what I feel I am. All the boys love my hair, I even got a big hug and was told, "Cool hair mom!" Which from a son is high praise indeed.
So, how will I deal with T.H. and the issue of me looking like a boy because of my hair style? Pitch dark bedroom comes to mind first. And no I am NOT trying to make light of it. Joshua made me realize just how much this has to be shaking T.H.'s view of his sexuality. Because if I keep telling him about my inner boy? Then just what does that make him, yeah now you see it too. And if he can't see my hair while we are making love, then it should be ok, until he comes to terms with the fact that this doesn't make him anything else than what he has been all these years.
Mr. Hci and Bob both offered this: If things don't improve very soon, I hope you'll consider some kind of couples' counseling, especially if you can find someone with experience dealing with sexuality issues with couples.
This goes back to the whole won't talk about it issue. I think the best thing to do right now, is just to let things sit. Let him calm down and just allow him the time to process things. He doesn't ever jump to make any decision. No, T.H. is more of a studier, a thinker, a mull things over kinda guy. Me? Oh I am one of those snap decisions kinda person.
When I changed my name he acted just like he is doing now. At first very supportive of it, and then as time passed things changed, and he didn't want to hear me talk about it any more. Totally clammed up, sound familiar? Yeah, it does to me too. So, what I expect will happen, is that a funny look, or a short word from him, will cause me to blow open, and everything will come tumbling out of me. Will it be pretty? No. Will it be loud? On my part, hellz yeah! And this is just what happened when I changed my name. Even though he knew how important it was to me to have a name that was clean and free of bad memories, he pulled away from it. Until like now, I was left alone in my decision. Then one day the damned up feelings burst out of me, and I pushed him into a chair and basically screamed at him. Telling him that I gave him a chance to voice his disagreement back at the beginning of that long journey, and that it was high time he lived up to that commitment he made to me then. T.H. had the balls to tell me he wasn't going to ever use my new name! Yeah, that didn't go over well to say the least. I put him on notice that he had until my court date to get used to my name, and after that he had to use my new name. He was stubborn for a while and refused to call me anything at all. He has come to terms with my name, it took him about 6 months or so. And he often pointed out to me, quite gleefully in fact, that he wasn't using my new name and wasn't sure he was going to.
My role in our relationship seems to be to keep him moving. He is a rock, you always know what you are going to get out of him. My more quicksilver person is to keep him rolling into the now and towards the future. He would be stationary I do believe if it wasn't for myself and the boys. He kicked and hollered about getting cellphones, but he is rarely without his now!
I have been thinking about talking to a therapist myself. Never have I had any luck with them before. In the past I saw one hoping to be able to talk out some of the feelings I had pent up inside of me from the years of abuse from my mother. All she was interested in was giving me tips on how to deal with her now. And yes, that was very helpful, but that's not what I needed. So, am rather wary about trying again. I don't trust easily tbh, and the only therapist in town that deals with gender issues, is a woman...... and I don't ever seem to connect well with them. So, idk.
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I can't even imagine my life without T.H.! He is my world. Do I love him? Hellz yea! The even bigger question, am I still in love with him? Yes, yes, yes. When I hear his ring tone, my heart just soars. And when he wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his chest, I am home. From the way he holds me, I know he feels the same for me. These past few weeks have been hell, and if I allow him to continue on as he is doing, I can see us getting a divorce. Because once again he has gotten stuck in the rut of stubbornness…… and it is my job to dynamite him out of it.
For now? I will go it alone, cry on all of your shoulders, and into my pillow when he isn't' home. The introspection into me, and what if any changes, including both superficial and physical that I want to make, will continue. He is living on borrowed time, the countdown has begun. If he fails to come to terms with it? Refuses to open up and talk to me or a therapist about it? Well then, it could be the beginning of the end. Because I refuse to be a doormat and submerge my feelings forever.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Arma-goddam-motherfuckin-geddon
Ok, so you all know I have a new hairstyle that looks boy, especially from the back. Well the other day, I was on my knees and I felt him loose interest........ and no, that hasn't ever happened before. Later on he off hand mentioned that when he looked down it was like a boy giving him a bj.
yeah...................................... ok
and since then? there has been space between us, there is s cold spot between us. he is snapping at me, not getting as many hugs, and the bed is cold also.
damn
so, i have been wearing make-up again, not that i ever wore it daily to begin with, but the last two days, i have made sure to put it on. wear my most fem tops, that show a lot of chest (uggh!) that i just hate wearing, hoping to remind him that i am indeed at least sexed female.
shit
while trying to put him at ease, i feel stifled. just finding out what/who i really am, and now having to back pedal is super painful. because my fears is this will become status quo... and i will never be able to express who i really am inside. that my boy will have to be crammed away again, just as i was planning to jettison my more fem clothing that i despise this occurs
fuck
fucking hell
to keep him, do i have to keep me hid away again? Oh, fuck i dont wanna do that! finally beginning to feel whole, feeling more alive inside, than i have in many years. and last week, i got the doctor to write me a 'script for testosterone creme. why? cause it makes me feel better, makes me more alert, just happier, many women use it. but i am wondering if this is also part of the problem? does he see this as me wanting to be more boy?? idk idk idk idk!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fucking shit
is this the beginning of the end? we have had our rough patches over the years, but never anything like this, ever! this cold space feels almost empty between us...? so talking about anything real is out for now, i am trying to keep it light and fluffy, something i excel at. but how long can we live on this? idk, and my heart squeezes tighter with the thought. it doesnt take much sometimes to kill a relationship sometimes, and everything feels off kilter, wrong, and it makes me wanna shout
arma-goddam-motherfuckin-geddon
yeah...................................... ok
and since then? there has been space between us, there is s cold spot between us. he is snapping at me, not getting as many hugs, and the bed is cold also.
damn
so, i have been wearing make-up again, not that i ever wore it daily to begin with, but the last two days, i have made sure to put it on. wear my most fem tops, that show a lot of chest (uggh!) that i just hate wearing, hoping to remind him that i am indeed at least sexed female.
shit
while trying to put him at ease, i feel stifled. just finding out what/who i really am, and now having to back pedal is super painful. because my fears is this will become status quo... and i will never be able to express who i really am inside. that my boy will have to be crammed away again, just as i was planning to jettison my more fem clothing that i despise this occurs
fuck
fucking hell
to keep him, do i have to keep me hid away again? Oh, fuck i dont wanna do that! finally beginning to feel whole, feeling more alive inside, than i have in many years. and last week, i got the doctor to write me a 'script for testosterone creme. why? cause it makes me feel better, makes me more alert, just happier, many women use it. but i am wondering if this is also part of the problem? does he see this as me wanting to be more boy?? idk idk idk idk!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fucking shit
is this the beginning of the end? we have had our rough patches over the years, but never anything like this, ever! this cold space feels almost empty between us...? so talking about anything real is out for now, i am trying to keep it light and fluffy, something i excel at. but how long can we live on this? idk, and my heart squeezes tighter with the thought. it doesnt take much sometimes to kill a relationship sometimes, and everything feels off kilter, wrong, and it makes me wanna shout
arma-goddam-motherfuckin-geddon
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Pushing Me Away
I went to the salon a few days ago to have my haircut. Usually my hair is the same old bob that i have worn for years, sometimes a different, but for the most part, I've been wearing a bob now for idk 10 years or so. I went in to the salon with a few ideas, but nothing concrete to tell the stylist. I was thinking about an asymmetrical bob, that would be very short under one ear and would almost touch my shoulder on the other..... but it was still a bob......sigh.
While I was sitting there waiting, the memory of a emo hairstyle I had seen on a very cute boy, popped into my head. And before I could really nail down what about that hair style that so captivated me, it was my turn in the chair. As I sat down, worry began to swirl around me, every single time I have gone into a salon without a set in stone plan for my hair, the worst ever hair carries me out. It always turns out way to fem for me to enjoy or actually even know how to maintain it if that was something I would want to look like.
As she swirled the cape around me, she asked what kinda of hair style I was looking for, and lost I looked up right into the photo of a cute guy.... My mouth seemed to open on its own, and what fell out of it was something like this; I want the back short, shaped in layers like a guys, up and over the ears, they must be showing, i want those fringe like things in front of my ears, and the top long and messy with no part.
She clarified a few points with me, led me back to the shampoo bowl and washed me straight up, and led me back to the chair, and began to cut. About half way thru cutting the back, way way to late in the game for me to pull out now, I got a severe case of cold feet, knees, legs and torso. I sat there frozen in fear, wondering how long it would take to grow out enough to cut it into something more reasonable. Hat season doesn't last forever, even in Alaska!
With my heart frozen, and my hope for a good hair style on the floor with all of my hair, she started on the front. I hate getting hair in my eyes and so I closed them, and thankfully didn't have to watch with fear any longer. And at one point I just had to see just how horrible it was turning out to be, so I peeped out and was amazed!
THE BEST HAIR STYLE OF MY LIFE!
It's kinda boy, but still girl enough not to raise eyebrows. It's just perfect! I started to grin at my reflection and just couldn't stop! I grinned the entire time I paid. Grinned while calling T.H. to come pick me up. Grinned like a fool all the way to the truck. And the thought that he wouldn't like my hair, never entered my mind. But guess what? He loves it! So double score!
It has been a few days now, and I can't stop touching it, I can't stop looking at me in the mirror..... something I honestly try really hard not to do, me and my reflection have never been friends. But, it looks like me inside, kinda and right now am happier than I have been in a very long time with my appearance. The first week of March, I go back to the salon for a color....
My hair has been threaded with gray since I was 23, and have at random times have colored my hair various shades of brown, or auburn. So, I have new a decision to make, what color? The part of me that wanted facial piercings, wants eggplant colored hair with the tips and the back in black. However there is a big part of me that is worried about looking like a silly person, who is much to old to wear that kind of colored hair........ So, once again the eternal struggle between what I want, and what I think I should have.
Lately I have lost the ability to talk to T.H. about my gender issues. Two weeks ago I was talking on the phone, I have always hated my voice with a passion. Why? It is very high, I have always said that my voice sounds like Mickey Mouse. And like a bolt out of the blue, it hit me, I hate my voice because it's not what I sound like inside, I sound much more masculine in my head to me. Needless to say, I was all kinds of excited and rushed to tell T.H. And then I saw it, his face just closed up taking my heart with it. I had passed some sort of no fly zone that I never knew existed, and he didn't want to hear it.
It was everything I could do not to cry, but as I struggled to hold the tears back while I was folding laundry, I felt a part of my newly opened self wither. I have had a few other revelations, that in hindsight are so obvious as to be glaring, how on earth I never connected the dots before this is beyond me. But, each and every time I open my mouth to tell T.H. I just can not get the words pass my throat. And a few times have had to think of something quickly to cover the fact that I was going to say something, but changed my mind.
So, now I find myself in a funny place indeed. My best friend in the entire world, doesn't want to hear what I need to say. This is really the first time in our relationship that I can't bring my thoughts and feelings to T.H., and am rather stymied by it. I need to talk about this. I have to talk about this. And no, I have not become a one topic pony. My conversation still flows over and around many topics each day, business as usual in my daily chatter. Days will pass where I don't feel the need to talk about being androgyne. Then an idea or a question occurs to me, and there is no one to talk it over with leaving me sad and rather adrift.
I'm hoping that this is only temporary, but something inside me tells me it's not. That this is the new status quo for the topic of my gender issues. For now, I will let it sit, maybe it was just moving to fast for him to deal with. He likes to take his time and mull things over. Me? I am more of a quicksilver person making up my mind quickly and am usually happy with the results of my decisions. So, I am going to give him some time to process this new and still unfolding me, and hope for the best. How long will I wait until I shake him? That is hard to say. His clock is ticking though, the countdown has begun, and one day soon it will run out into the woods of the most dreaded words any couple can hear from their partner, "We need to talk."
While I was sitting there waiting, the memory of a emo hairstyle I had seen on a very cute boy, popped into my head. And before I could really nail down what about that hair style that so captivated me, it was my turn in the chair. As I sat down, worry began to swirl around me, every single time I have gone into a salon without a set in stone plan for my hair, the worst ever hair carries me out. It always turns out way to fem for me to enjoy or actually even know how to maintain it if that was something I would want to look like.
As she swirled the cape around me, she asked what kinda of hair style I was looking for, and lost I looked up right into the photo of a cute guy.... My mouth seemed to open on its own, and what fell out of it was something like this; I want the back short, shaped in layers like a guys, up and over the ears, they must be showing, i want those fringe like things in front of my ears, and the top long and messy with no part.
She clarified a few points with me, led me back to the shampoo bowl and washed me straight up, and led me back to the chair, and began to cut. About half way thru cutting the back, way way to late in the game for me to pull out now, I got a severe case of cold feet, knees, legs and torso. I sat there frozen in fear, wondering how long it would take to grow out enough to cut it into something more reasonable. Hat season doesn't last forever, even in Alaska!
With my heart frozen, and my hope for a good hair style on the floor with all of my hair, she started on the front. I hate getting hair in my eyes and so I closed them, and thankfully didn't have to watch with fear any longer. And at one point I just had to see just how horrible it was turning out to be, so I peeped out and was amazed!
THE BEST HAIR STYLE OF MY LIFE!
It's kinda boy, but still girl enough not to raise eyebrows. It's just perfect! I started to grin at my reflection and just couldn't stop! I grinned the entire time I paid. Grinned while calling T.H. to come pick me up. Grinned like a fool all the way to the truck. And the thought that he wouldn't like my hair, never entered my mind. But guess what? He loves it! So double score!
It has been a few days now, and I can't stop touching it, I can't stop looking at me in the mirror..... something I honestly try really hard not to do, me and my reflection have never been friends. But, it looks like me inside, kinda and right now am happier than I have been in a very long time with my appearance. The first week of March, I go back to the salon for a color....
My hair has been threaded with gray since I was 23, and have at random times have colored my hair various shades of brown, or auburn. So, I have new a decision to make, what color? The part of me that wanted facial piercings, wants eggplant colored hair with the tips and the back in black. However there is a big part of me that is worried about looking like a silly person, who is much to old to wear that kind of colored hair........ So, once again the eternal struggle between what I want, and what I think I should have.
Lately I have lost the ability to talk to T.H. about my gender issues. Two weeks ago I was talking on the phone, I have always hated my voice with a passion. Why? It is very high, I have always said that my voice sounds like Mickey Mouse. And like a bolt out of the blue, it hit me, I hate my voice because it's not what I sound like inside, I sound much more masculine in my head to me. Needless to say, I was all kinds of excited and rushed to tell T.H. And then I saw it, his face just closed up taking my heart with it. I had passed some sort of no fly zone that I never knew existed, and he didn't want to hear it.
It was everything I could do not to cry, but as I struggled to hold the tears back while I was folding laundry, I felt a part of my newly opened self wither. I have had a few other revelations, that in hindsight are so obvious as to be glaring, how on earth I never connected the dots before this is beyond me. But, each and every time I open my mouth to tell T.H. I just can not get the words pass my throat. And a few times have had to think of something quickly to cover the fact that I was going to say something, but changed my mind.
So, now I find myself in a funny place indeed. My best friend in the entire world, doesn't want to hear what I need to say. This is really the first time in our relationship that I can't bring my thoughts and feelings to T.H., and am rather stymied by it. I need to talk about this. I have to talk about this. And no, I have not become a one topic pony. My conversation still flows over and around many topics each day, business as usual in my daily chatter. Days will pass where I don't feel the need to talk about being androgyne. Then an idea or a question occurs to me, and there is no one to talk it over with leaving me sad and rather adrift.
I'm hoping that this is only temporary, but something inside me tells me it's not. That this is the new status quo for the topic of my gender issues. For now, I will let it sit, maybe it was just moving to fast for him to deal with. He likes to take his time and mull things over. Me? I am more of a quicksilver person making up my mind quickly and am usually happy with the results of my decisions. So, I am going to give him some time to process this new and still unfolding me, and hope for the best. How long will I wait until I shake him? That is hard to say. His clock is ticking though, the countdown has begun, and one day soon it will run out into the woods of the most dreaded words any couple can hear from their partner, "We need to talk."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Camera Follies
Well, Monday dawned bright and beautiful, so out we went for a wonderful ride. We drove to Delta Junction, which is about 202 miles from the Canadian border. The sunshine was so bright in my eyes, it was just fabulous! I had only been through Delta before, and only in the dark, so this was a trip to new, and I loved every minute of it.
Delta is a farming community, and I was lucky to see cows. Yes, yes, I know, but I love cows! The are the cutest and tastiest animal I know. We had a nice lunch at a very cute cafe. My BLT was super, the bacon was some of the best I have had in a long time. T.H. had a great mushroom burger, tons of mushrooms that were well seasoned and cooked just right.
Delta has wild buffalo (bison) and I had high hopes of seeing at least a few, but sigh, no. Eastern Alaska traditionally had herds of wood buffalo that died out around 100 years ago, due to changing climate and over hunting. In 1928 a herd of 23 plains buffalo were brought up and released. In the 50's due to problems with farmers and the nearby Air Force Base had trouble landing their planes due to buffalo loitering around on the runways a hunt was started to keep the herd to a stable size. Here is a link if you want to read more about the hunt.
I took my new camera with me and was busy snapping pictures. Especially the pipeline crossing the Tanana River. It is impressive to say the least! The towers holding the pipeline up are TALL! Wanna see? The entire time I was snapping pictures my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, but not having really used it since getting it at Christmas, I didn't know any better.....
The first thing I did after getting home was to run to my computer and download my pictures from my shiny red camera. And then the reason my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, it was taking movies....... sigh. I studied the booklet that came with my camera again. And knowing me, will have to study it a time or two again before I have all of the buttons and functions all worked out. But, still.............. my first trip with the camera was a total bust in regards to pictures.
The weather is supposed to stay warm at least through the weekend, so I have high hopes of another trip out of our little city. Yes, Red Camera will come with me, along with the helpful booklet. Now I am on a quest to take some pictures, not movies....
Delta is a farming community, and I was lucky to see cows. Yes, yes, I know, but I love cows! The are the cutest and tastiest animal I know. We had a nice lunch at a very cute cafe. My BLT was super, the bacon was some of the best I have had in a long time. T.H. had a great mushroom burger, tons of mushrooms that were well seasoned and cooked just right.
Delta has wild buffalo (bison) and I had high hopes of seeing at least a few, but sigh, no. Eastern Alaska traditionally had herds of wood buffalo that died out around 100 years ago, due to changing climate and over hunting. In 1928 a herd of 23 plains buffalo were brought up and released. In the 50's due to problems with farmers and the nearby Air Force Base had trouble landing their planes due to buffalo loitering around on the runways a hunt was started to keep the herd to a stable size. Here is a link if you want to read more about the hunt.
I took my new camera with me and was busy snapping pictures. Especially the pipeline crossing the Tanana River. It is impressive to say the least! The towers holding the pipeline up are TALL! Wanna see? The entire time I was snapping pictures my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, but not having really used it since getting it at Christmas, I didn't know any better.....
The first thing I did after getting home was to run to my computer and download my pictures from my shiny red camera. And then the reason my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, it was taking movies....... sigh. I studied the booklet that came with my camera again. And knowing me, will have to study it a time or two again before I have all of the buttons and functions all worked out. But, still.............. my first trip with the camera was a total bust in regards to pictures.
The weather is supposed to stay warm at least through the weekend, so I have high hopes of another trip out of our little city. Yes, Red Camera will come with me, along with the helpful booklet. Now I am on a quest to take some pictures, not movies....
Sunday, February 7, 2010
You Could Have It So Much Better
A short time ago I came up with an idea to start a new blog. But, this blog I want to be different from the average one. What I want with this blog, is to have many different people post things they feel are important or just want to share, and hopefully we can all learn from each other. It could give us a chance to maybe post things that maybe just doesn't fit in with our usual blog.
So, far the blog is only up to 5 posts, but hope to do much better in the near future. I have some posts planned. And just so you understand, this blog is not about me. It's about ideas and information. Go check it out and see what you think!
You Could Have It So Much Better
Today I posted a video story on the new blog. It is told very movingly and in a very novel way. He has used pictures to portray the people in his life and puts the conversation under the pictures. And every bit is true. It's called My First Love. It's about a young 14 old boy whose family hates him because he's gay. His best friend has turned on him, and then a new family moves in, who prove to be a ray of sunshine in his very dark and lonely life. Go and watch, I think you will be as moved as I am. And remember as you watch, it's all true....
Runaway
I'm sick and tired of winter. The snow is no longer pretty, and it will be unwelcome guest until around the beginning of May. Yeah, you read that right, May.......sigh. The temps will rise though up enough for me to be out of the house, by April. But from here? That is a hell of a long way away.....
I want to runaway and open up my mind......................
To be very truthful here I have been battling depression the last few weeks. Being cooped up in the house is really starting to get to me. And to make matters worse, the condo that we live in has a two story ceiling in part of it, so no matter how high up you crank the heater, it's cold downstairs. So, I am living primarily in our bedroom. So, not only am I a prisoner of our home, which is bad enough on it's own, I am stuck in an even smaller place. If the weather is kinda warm, I do layer up and go down and cover up and watch some tv and visit with the family. But on the whole? It's just me up here alone, and I am well tired of it.
The next few days are supposed to be warm, and I intend to make the most of those days! Will be out of the house as much as possible! Tomorrow of course is the super bowl, Go Saints!! So, no going any where tomorrow!! But come Monday?? All bets are off as to being one minute longer in the house than I have to be! What will I do?? I don't have a clue to be honest! All I do know is the truth to this equation:
biki+out of the house = happy!
So, all I can really do, is to live for the minutes where I can be out of the house. Storing up each and every minute of sunshine, blue sky that I am not seeing it through the glass of my bedroom window.
Hey, there is nothing to worry about, I am ok, just very sad. Am fighting the good fight against the dragon of depression, but am well tired of it. What happens if i loose my battle? You just won't see me around much, until I can climb up out of my grave of grief. It has been many years since that battle was won by the dragon, so no worries, ok?
I want to runaway and open up my mind......................
To be very truthful here I have been battling depression the last few weeks. Being cooped up in the house is really starting to get to me. And to make matters worse, the condo that we live in has a two story ceiling in part of it, so no matter how high up you crank the heater, it's cold downstairs. So, I am living primarily in our bedroom. So, not only am I a prisoner of our home, which is bad enough on it's own, I am stuck in an even smaller place. If the weather is kinda warm, I do layer up and go down and cover up and watch some tv and visit with the family. But on the whole? It's just me up here alone, and I am well tired of it.
The next few days are supposed to be warm, and I intend to make the most of those days! Will be out of the house as much as possible! Tomorrow of course is the super bowl, Go Saints!! So, no going any where tomorrow!! But come Monday?? All bets are off as to being one minute longer in the house than I have to be! What will I do?? I don't have a clue to be honest! All I do know is the truth to this equation:
biki+out of the house = happy!
So, all I can really do, is to live for the minutes where I can be out of the house. Storing up each and every minute of sunshine, blue sky that I am not seeing it through the glass of my bedroom window.
Hey, there is nothing to worry about, I am ok, just very sad. Am fighting the good fight against the dragon of depression, but am well tired of it. What happens if i loose my battle? You just won't see me around much, until I can climb up out of my grave of grief. It has been many years since that battle was won by the dragon, so no worries, ok?
Friday, January 29, 2010
And now for something completely different?
I have at long last a name for my oddness the weirdness that is me. But, while it's nice having a name, a tag, a category it still leaves the question unanswered, now what? How is this going to change my life? To ask the even bigger question, should it? And in what direction do I want to go, how far do I want to go with my label as androgyne?
Tis true that it's only one part of me, it's not the whole me, yeah. But, this part of me, has been buried so long, so squashed, so entombed with most of my out loud personality that has been pulled down to monochromatic instead of vibrant clashing colors. Living in a small town, having to hide the true me, never fitting in and not wanting to fit in to be very honest. T.H. didn't care if I fit in, but he did look askance at my clothing after I arrived in Alaska, and the dulling down of me began. He didn't want me to stick out to lessen the amount of gossip and hate aimed at me. So, while he was trying to help me, it led me to constructing a very workable fake front me.
It's almost like an archeological dig, carefully peeling back layers of empty dross, to unearth what makes me, well me. I have become very introspective of late, searching for meaning of my actions, clues of my emotional being as to what I read and listen to. A few years ago I became very depressed, which is very unusual for me and my music of choice? Linkin Park.... which is about not fitting in, not getting what you want, and not really being able to get what you strive for. My current Marilyn Manson infection? He is all about punching normal in the face, not caring if people think you are weird, because weird is better than being a cookie cutter person. Fight against the molding of society, live as you want, not as someone wants you to live.
So, now what?
I don't really know. I am happiest not looking extremely feminine, but the other end of the stick, the butchy girl? No, not really that either. So, what do I want? I don't have a clue. Am rather at a loss to be very honest. I do know that there is some articles of clothing that will be no longer worn. I hate tops that show a large amount of skin, and I have been pushed into those by my daughter in laws... Why? They were very vested in making me over, and just kinda ran over my protests. Did I protest very loudly? No I didn't. Why.....sigh, I want their love, and was hoping that being compliant would make/keep them happy with me. I know, what a pathetic person.....
Aek and I were chatting about what I want the other day for me. What parts of my true personality do I want exposed for all to see. What physical changes do I want, if any. I think the best thing would be to take small steps into my new life. First things? Hair, glasses and tweaking the wardrobe. Looking for clothing that makes me happy to wear, rather than a sigh when I look in the mirror. Hair that let's even strangers know that I am...... original..... different...... unusual...... an individual and not an herd animal. My glasses already reflect that but they are green. I am hoping to dye my hair an interesting color, and I don't want my glasses to clash. We will see.
Body modifications? Humm, no I don't really think so. Well, I would like to be taller..... I mean I would like to look less like a girl.... but as to removing parts, or modifying others? No, that's not really right.... I AM both male and female and trying to make your outer fit that is tough. Do I ever feel completely female? Not since my last pregnancy. During the years that I was building babies and when they were very small I felt very feminine, and my clothing choices, the make up wearing showed that quite clearly.
In high school my favorite way to dress was either the jeans and tees model or the "girly" outfit I wore. My "girly" outfit was tights, high top converse in black, short jean skirt, long sleeved tee shirts or sweatshirts that were huge and shapeless and almost as long as my very short skirt, and a military jacket from Angel Uncle. A delightful mix of boy and girl. No make up, no perfume, no purse, but a short skirt and tights, the body of a female and a mind of..... a boy/girl.
My closet door is still firmly closed. I did tell a very good friend of mine. Why her? Because we have been friends for years, and I knew I could trust her to understand, and even more importantly accept me. Until I have done a more thorough excavation into me, and what if any thing I want to change, I am putting off telling the boys. I need to be more settled in my feelings, more sure of who I am before I tell them.
I need to decide if I do want this to be a spring board to changes, and just how radically of a change I want/need to make to feel complete and whole. So, is it now time for something completely different?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Prayers for Lee and his family
Everyone who has met Lee, all knows what a very special person he is. So full of love and caring for others. I've never met a more accepting person in my life, ever! When ever anyone stumbles, it seems that Lee is there, offering a hand up, a pat on the back, and endless patience in listening and offering advice.
Lee has made a huge difference in my life, and I can't believe that I'm the only one. So, for every nice and kind thing he has left in your comments, or spent time on chat trying to help you, say a prayer for Lee and his family. And if you aren't the praying sort, then keep him in your thoughts, and drop him an email, telling him you are thinking about him.
Friday, January 15, 2010
random things times 10
Hello!! New and shiny followers!! So nice to have you come and visit, pour yourself something cool to drink, or warm depending on your preference and get comfy for our visit. So, I think most of you know me pretty well by now, but still there are some weirdness lurking around that ya just don't know. There are a few things on the list that I will admit are fodder for teasing, and I'm cool with it, so let the teasing begin!
1.) Ok, this is something that is definitely fodder for teasing, and that's why I started my list with this....... I like polka music. Yes, polka. And, I enjoy dancing the polka too.....
2.) I don't like jelly on my peanut butter sandwiches. My favorite way to eat a peanut butter sandwich?
with Miracle Whip, and a few leaves of iceberg lettuce.
3.) I would rather eat with my fingers than silverware. But, not when I'm out to eat, or having company in. I do have some manners.....
4.) One cup of coffee can jack me up for the entire day. Yes, just one cup, and no, not super strong
either. In fact my coffee is a very light brown, almost a tan with the amount of milk I add. Oh, and
lashings of sugar.
5.) I used to play both the violin and the piano. Strange thing though was that reading music for me was always a struggle, luckily after only a few times playing the piece I usually had it memorized.
6.) For the life of me I can't remember phone numbers, yes including my own. However, if I have dialed the number enough, you can just hand me the phone I can dial it for you..... I don't know or understand it either.
7.) Number one played song in my itunes list is "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. How many times?
Oh, only 423... And the lest played from my Top 25 Most Played Songs on itunes is "Twisted Transistor" by Korn at 161. I have only listened to that song for about 5 months or so.
8.) I love to swim! Water, I swear is my natural element. Six months preggers I could out swim T.H.! And not by a teensy bitty bit, but not even half way there before I was done.. My favorite stroke used to be the butterfly. When done correctly, not only do you fly thru the water, it just feels perfect in some weird way to me. I tried out for the swim team in high school, didn't make it due to my poor diving ability coupled with my slow back stroke. But, came in the top 3 in breast stroke and crawl during practices before I was cut from the team.
9.) I have a collection of teddy bears. My favorite one is just a brown jointed bear that came with a sticker on his tummy that said, "tip me i growl". So, I did what the sticker said, tipped him and he.... well he mooed. Yeah, mooed like a cow. Of course that lead to tipping everyone bear on the stand and they all growled except that one bear. It was a week before Christmas, and all I could think about was the land of misfit toys, so of course he had to come home with me.
10.) I don't really care for greasy or fatty foods, but every now and again I just gotta have a plate of something fried! French fries, onion rings, fried fish...... what have ya not so picky. How often does the desire for fried items hit me? Umm about every two or three months I'd say. I'm super picky about how much butter goes on my toast, very little on super crunchy toast. Don't eat the fat around any meat. But love bacon cooked very crisp, none of this floppy bacon for me thank you!
Ginormous hugs for all of my new and old followers, meeting all of you has enriched my life beyond my wildest imagination. My life since I have meet you is so much richer, fuller and I'm happier than I have been in many a long while. And a special shout out to Victor the rodeo star!
Biki!
1.) Ok, this is something that is definitely fodder for teasing, and that's why I started my list with this....... I like polka music. Yes, polka. And, I enjoy dancing the polka too.....
2.) I don't like jelly on my peanut butter sandwiches. My favorite way to eat a peanut butter sandwich?
with Miracle Whip, and a few leaves of iceberg lettuce.
3.) I would rather eat with my fingers than silverware. But, not when I'm out to eat, or having company in. I do have some manners.....
4.) One cup of coffee can jack me up for the entire day. Yes, just one cup, and no, not super strong
either. In fact my coffee is a very light brown, almost a tan with the amount of milk I add. Oh, and
lashings of sugar.
5.) I used to play both the violin and the piano. Strange thing though was that reading music for me was always a struggle, luckily after only a few times playing the piece I usually had it memorized.
7.) Number one played song in my itunes list is "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. How many times?
Oh, only 423... And the lest played from my Top 25 Most Played Songs on itunes is "Twisted Transistor" by Korn at 161. I have only listened to that song for about 5 months or so.
8.) I love to swim! Water, I swear is my natural element. Six months preggers I could out swim T.H.! And not by a teensy bitty bit, but not even half way there before I was done.. My favorite stroke used to be the butterfly. When done correctly, not only do you fly thru the water, it just feels perfect in some weird way to me. I tried out for the swim team in high school, didn't make it due to my poor diving ability coupled with my slow back stroke. But, came in the top 3 in breast stroke and crawl during practices before I was cut from the team.
9.) I have a collection of teddy bears. My favorite one is just a brown jointed bear that came with a sticker on his tummy that said, "tip me i growl". So, I did what the sticker said, tipped him and he.... well he mooed. Yeah, mooed like a cow. Of course that lead to tipping everyone bear on the stand and they all growled except that one bear. It was a week before Christmas, and all I could think about was the land of misfit toys, so of course he had to come home with me.
10.) I don't really care for greasy or fatty foods, but every now and again I just gotta have a plate of something fried! French fries, onion rings, fried fish...... what have ya not so picky. How often does the desire for fried items hit me? Umm about every two or three months I'd say. I'm super picky about how much butter goes on my toast, very little on super crunchy toast. Don't eat the fat around any meat. But love bacon cooked very crisp, none of this floppy bacon for me thank you!
Ginormous hugs for all of my new and old followers, meeting all of you has enriched my life beyond my wildest imagination. My life since I have meet you is so much richer, fuller and I'm happier than I have been in many a long while. And a special shout out to Victor the rodeo star!
Biki!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Perry v. Schwarzenegger Trial Begins in the Supreme Court
Yesterday the Supreme Court heard opening remarks in the Perry v. Schwarzenegger trial. I won't go into details here due to the fact it is much better to read it yourself. All the links are at the bottom of the page. But, reading the trials give and take is fascinating, the first witness up is a historian who is laying the groundwork demonstrating the years of discrimination, and doing a bang up job of it too.
This is fascinating reading on many fronts. The first of which of course is to see this horrible discrimination come to an end in our country. And the second is the fact that it is happening in our lives. This is something that will be remembered for many years, and we have front row seats! No matter how this court case comes down, I think it will be a seminal moment in our country's history. As other "recent" country defining snapshots have been. President Kennedy's and Martin Luther King Jr. assassinations, civil rights movement, the peace marches, and of course 9-11.
This morning when I woke up, I noticed a strange silence over most of blogger land and was very surprised by the silence. I would have thought that this one topic would have been on the finger tips of every blogger! I would have thought that discussions and debates would have flowing back and forth fizzing thru the web and buzzing in everyones head. My blog roll is fairly long, and out of all of them, only two are talking about the trial. Two! This could be the year when gay marriage is finally legalized in our country. Not some pale imitation like civil unions, but honest and true marriage. Or this is could be the year when the many years of hard work to win legal protections and freedoms is rolled back to zero....
If you are against marriage for LGBT thinking it will dilute the gay culture, that I can understand. Assimilation is the way most people lose their culture, and you are proud of who you are. This court case is still vitally important to your future and I truly can't understand the silence. Why or how is this case important to you? If it is proven by the highest court of law that discrimination is acceptable when dealing with marriage for LGBT, what other legal rulings will come under attack? What other protections that have been hard won could be pulled back? Yes, it could happen.
Start reading, keep up on the current events of this trial, and if you are a praying sort, pray this goes in favor for all LGBT.
Here are the two blogs that are discussing the trial:
http://gayfamilyvalues.blogspot.com/2010/01/perry-vs-governatorpart-one-youtube.html
http://gayfamilyvalues.blogspot.com/2010/01/gays-v-governator-part-deiuxtwitter.html
http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com/2010/01/five-best-things-ted-olson-said.html
Here are the opening remarks
http://www.equalrightsfoundation.org/news/text-of-ted-olsons-opening-statement-in-prop-8-trial-as-prepared/
And here is the step by step from the web site Prop 8 Trial Tracker. There are several parts.
http://prop8trialtracker.com/2010/01/12/liveblogging-day-2-part-iv-afternoon-session/
This is fascinating reading on many fronts. The first of which of course is to see this horrible discrimination come to an end in our country. And the second is the fact that it is happening in our lives. This is something that will be remembered for many years, and we have front row seats! No matter how this court case comes down, I think it will be a seminal moment in our country's history. As other "recent" country defining snapshots have been. President Kennedy's and Martin Luther King Jr. assassinations, civil rights movement, the peace marches, and of course 9-11.
This morning when I woke up, I noticed a strange silence over most of blogger land and was very surprised by the silence. I would have thought that this one topic would have been on the finger tips of every blogger! I would have thought that discussions and debates would have flowing back and forth fizzing thru the web and buzzing in everyones head. My blog roll is fairly long, and out of all of them, only two are talking about the trial. Two! This could be the year when gay marriage is finally legalized in our country. Not some pale imitation like civil unions, but honest and true marriage. Or this is could be the year when the many years of hard work to win legal protections and freedoms is rolled back to zero....
If you are against marriage for LGBT thinking it will dilute the gay culture, that I can understand. Assimilation is the way most people lose their culture, and you are proud of who you are. This court case is still vitally important to your future and I truly can't understand the silence. Why or how is this case important to you? If it is proven by the highest court of law that discrimination is acceptable when dealing with marriage for LGBT, what other legal rulings will come under attack? What other protections that have been hard won could be pulled back? Yes, it could happen.
Start reading, keep up on the current events of this trial, and if you are a praying sort, pray this goes in favor for all LGBT.
Here are the two blogs that are discussing the trial:
http://gayfamilyvalues.blogspot.com/2010/01/perry-vs-governatorpart-one-youtube.html
http://gayfamilyvalues.blogspot.com/2010/01/gays-v-governator-part-deiuxtwitter.html
http://ishouldbelaughing.blogspot.com/2010/01/five-best-things-ted-olson-said.html
Here are the opening remarks
http://www.equalrightsfoundation.org/news/text-of-ted-olsons-opening-statement-in-prop-8-trial-as-prepared/
And here is the step by step from the web site Prop 8 Trial Tracker. There are several parts.
http://prop8trialtracker.com/2010/01/12/liveblogging-day-2-part-iv-afternoon-session/
Saturday, January 9, 2010
reflections on my new birthday
After the meltdown, a few nights ago... sigh... sorry about that, life for me has been very unusual. My outward life has not changed at all, still same same same. But, my inner life? It is as different as if I moved out of my head and into someone else's. And, I guess to a great degree that is what happened.
My inner life was noisy and chaotic, full of sound and fury. Getting to sleep at night, has always been a chore for me. Making my mind shut it, so I can sleep has been something I have fought as long as I remember. I sleep well, but getting the brain to quiet down and let me be, is something else.
I'm so happy, so calm, so....... at peace within. Free. I feel free. What a wonderful feeling.
But, I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this peace, this freedom. So, while I was chatting with Lee tonight, I asked him, hoping he could shed some light on the subject. And, his answer made total and complete sense to me. His words were pure wisdom to a new born.
Lee said, "Because you have been holding on trying to understand how you felt and knowing it now frees you."
Yes. That is it. I am no longer white knuckling my inner self. The feeling is indescribable, however wonderfully glorious it feels.
I haven't been around many people since I've had my new birthday, and am honestly wondering how it is, if it is, going to change how I act. I have a tendency to fade into the background around many women, so I am kinda wanting to try out my new inner confidence, and see what occurs. Will it change anything for me? Could it change my actions? These questions will have to bubble and brew until I have a chance to try.
A few nights ago, once again in our darkened bedroom, very quietly T.H. asked, "Umm, do you want me to treat you any differently?" My poor T.H. is adrift and is floundering, but is only thinking of my happiness. I reassured him that no, he treats me wonderfully and he was never the problem. This is not something he has done, or not done, but something that has been inside of me as long as I can remember. He was reassured, and relieved. I have certainly put T.H. through the wringer in our years together.
In 1995 I legally changed my first and middle names. I wanted a clean unsullied by hate and violence name. Every time I heard my named called out to me, it made me wince, an inner flinch I would suppose would be the best way to put it. I gave T.H. proper warning, telling him that I was looking for a new name, and when I found it, would be changing it. After a few months of "shopping" I don't know how many different names, I finally found the one for me.
Each time we were building a new baby, we would hunt for names, both boys and girls. And of course none of the girl names ever got used. T.H. so wanted to use his favorite girls name, and to be quite honest, I didn't like the name at all. Every single time he would mention it, I would sigh, and write it down, without any intentions of ever using it on our baby girl. But, when the babies all proved to be boys, he was let down he truly wanted a little girl. What better way to honor his love for me, than to gift him the use of his favorite name. When I filled out the paper work, and showed it to him for the first time, he was both shocked and touched.
So, yeah for both T.H. and myself yet again a new beginning. And if you think about it? He hasn't truly been married to the same wife for 31 years! He had one wife for 16 years, one for 14, and now he is starting off with a new shiny model again! Humm, does that mean in 12 years, some other large change is going to occur for me, for him? Who knows! All I do know, as long as he is there to hold my hand, dry my tears, and love me, love me, love me, I am blissed out with his love. Because all I really want, all I really need? Is T.H.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Meltdowns and Closets
Wow! Umm, so sorry about that last night. Was over stressed to the breaking point, as no doubt you could see. The last week had taken it's toil on me, and the weather was stupid cold -30's, which makes my emotions fly all over the map. I was pushed to the edge wanting to tell T.H. and fearful of telling him. Several people told me not to tell him yet, to wait. And what you have to know about T.H.'s and me? Is that we share everything. We have no personal secrets from each other, and the thought that everyone was telling me not to tell, when all I wanted to do was to tell? And since I am so new, I thought everyone knew better than me..... and kept it bottled up. And as the day spooled out I just got more and more upset, until a silly little misunderstanding with a good friend on chat, broke me down into unstoppable tears. After crying for several hours, like a silly goose, I wrote that last post..... And I did promise Aaron that once a post is up there is no pulling it down, it adds to the integrity of the blog. So, my ugly meltdown will stay up.
So, there I was, completely over whelmed and felt I had no where to turn, was alone with all of this angst and it was just flowing out of me, and I couldn't get it to stop. Finally showing some intelligence for the first time I swear to you in all of yesterday, I went and woke up T.H. He has a terrible cold and hasn't been sleeping well....but at this point I had had had to have him hold me. Yes, I know, how selfish of me, but I was out of options and as you can see there was puddles of me everywhere.
I woke that poor man out of a sound sleep. He was met with a mess, face and shirt soaked from my tears, shaking and unable almost to talk by this time. T.H. didn't even ask me what was wrong. He just pulled me into him and held me, until I calmed down.
I screwed by courage to the sticking point, and told him. My voice was a quivering mess, tears were still on tap, and I just wanted to vomit I was just that scared. Finally getting my voice out, I asked him not to interrupt and let me go until I finished. So, here is a bit of how it went....
"Umm, you know how I have always felt like a freak? Never fit in at all? Well, I now know why. I'm a...a...umm androgyne...... ummm transgendered."
"Ok, baby ok. I just need to know two things. Do you want a sex change operation? And are you going to leave me because of this?"
"NO! I don't ever want to leave you!!! And I don't want a sex change either!"
"Good! We can work around anything else."
We sat in the dark together for hours talking through everything. T.H. agreed that having words to define me brought clarity to me and my actions. He then told me something he had never told me before. That all of his friends thought that I was a very unusual female, and that they meant it a good way! They said I made sense, unlike most females. As the night wore on, into really morning by anyones standards, T.H. said the best thing to me,
"I loved you before this, I love you now, nothing has changed there. This makes no difference to me at all. Except that maybe you can find some happiness within yourself."
Today while chatting with Dave, he noticed that I wasn't quite my normal me. And when I recounted my whole story. Dave said, "You came out of the closet Biki! Congrats!" And so a person, that didn't even know she had a closet? Found the doorknob and let herself out.
From here on out, January 4, 2010 will be my personal birthday. And yes I do intend to celebrate it, from now on! And Lee, thank you for pointing out it WAS my birthday!
Hugs all around!!
Biki!
So, there I was, completely over whelmed and felt I had no where to turn, was alone with all of this angst and it was just flowing out of me, and I couldn't get it to stop. Finally showing some intelligence for the first time I swear to you in all of yesterday, I went and woke up T.H. He has a terrible cold and hasn't been sleeping well....but at this point I had had had to have him hold me. Yes, I know, how selfish of me, but I was out of options and as you can see there was puddles of me everywhere.
I woke that poor man out of a sound sleep. He was met with a mess, face and shirt soaked from my tears, shaking and unable almost to talk by this time. T.H. didn't even ask me what was wrong. He just pulled me into him and held me, until I calmed down.
I screwed by courage to the sticking point, and told him. My voice was a quivering mess, tears were still on tap, and I just wanted to vomit I was just that scared. Finally getting my voice out, I asked him not to interrupt and let me go until I finished. So, here is a bit of how it went....
"Umm, you know how I have always felt like a freak? Never fit in at all? Well, I now know why. I'm a...a...umm androgyne...... ummm transgendered."
"Ok, baby ok. I just need to know two things. Do you want a sex change operation? And are you going to leave me because of this?"
"NO! I don't ever want to leave you!!! And I don't want a sex change either!"
"Good! We can work around anything else."
We sat in the dark together for hours talking through everything. T.H. agreed that having words to define me brought clarity to me and my actions. He then told me something he had never told me before. That all of his friends thought that I was a very unusual female, and that they meant it a good way! They said I made sense, unlike most females. As the night wore on, into really morning by anyones standards, T.H. said the best thing to me,
"I loved you before this, I love you now, nothing has changed there. This makes no difference to me at all. Except that maybe you can find some happiness within yourself."
Today while chatting with Dave, he noticed that I wasn't quite my normal me. And when I recounted my whole story. Dave said, "You came out of the closet Biki! Congrats!" And so a person, that didn't even know she had a closet? Found the doorknob and let herself out.
From here on out, January 4, 2010 will be my personal birthday. And yes I do intend to celebrate it, from now on! And Lee, thank you for pointing out it WAS my birthday!
Hugs all around!!
Biki!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
unkillable monster
and yet again the monster has escaped from its cage leaving me torn and bleeding......will this never stop?...i suppose it never will.......forward progress is made......happy me.......and then i stop watching it........and someone slips in and opens the cage door...................................................................................only this time im very very tired of fighting it...........so for once it can have its way with me.........and i shall see how this all ends.......not talking of suicide not a coward....love my family to much........but done battling against an endless tide.................................................................................................................................................. i shall see who wins the monster or me......................................at this point i dont really care anymore.........
Monday, January 4, 2010
Unscheduled Scenic Routes...... is gone
Well, as you can see, I have changed the title of my blog. And why? Well the old name reflected my feelings of being lost, not understanding why I was different, only knowing I was. Finally understanding who I am, and not being the freak that I have always felt is beyond words wonderful. It is just as a window being opened into an long unaired room, blowing in fresh air, and dissipating the dust and despair.
I feel free in a way I haven't felt in...... well forever. The last few days have brought clarity to my past like never before. Feeling like a new born had me desiring to jettison my old blog title, and this new one describes how I feel now. Out from my confusion, isolation, and into the possibilities that today and tomorrow hold. If there is any regret at all for me, it's the years of wasted effort flailing and thrashing around in self doubt and anguish.
Thank you all again for being so supportive of me!
Continuing the theme from my previous blog, the banner pictures will continue to reflect my mood at the time of the post, except for now they will reflect my feelings of my androgyne gender. Is it a boy, or a girl putting on the jacket? Who knows, and that alone makes me smile. How long will this continue? I don't know, for a while at least.
I feel free in a way I haven't felt in...... well forever. The last few days have brought clarity to my past like never before. Feeling like a new born had me desiring to jettison my old blog title, and this new one describes how I feel now. Out from my confusion, isolation, and into the possibilities that today and tomorrow hold. If there is any regret at all for me, it's the years of wasted effort flailing and thrashing around in self doubt and anguish.
Thank you all again for being so supportive of me!
Continuing the theme from my previous blog, the banner pictures will continue to reflect my mood at the time of the post, except for now they will reflect my feelings of my androgyne gender. Is it a boy, or a girl putting on the jacket? Who knows, and that alone makes me smile. How long will this continue? I don't know, for a while at least.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Clarifications, Classifications, and Cookies
Well! The last few days have been interesting to say the least! The out pouring of acceptance and love, yes love, from you my fellow bloggers was overwhelming to me. To say only thank you seems so very weak in response to your love, but can not find any other words that come close to expressing my feelings for you. So, until such a time as I can come up with better words for this emotion in my heart and mind, know that I am saying it with the deepest regard and friendship.
Thank you!
So, now on to straighten out some misconceptions that seem to be floating in the air. Yesterday, I spent more hours than I ever had before chatting, mostly answering the same questions from everyone. So, for those of you who read me, and do not chat with me, I'll answer the most common questions here for you.
1) Do you want a sex change operation?
No, I do not. I am transgender, not transsexual. The easiest way to describe this is thus. Sex, is about what is between your legs, gender is what is between your ears. The definition of a transsexual is a condition in which an individual identifies with a physical sex that is different from their biological one. And for the most part, I have been ok with my body, not a perfect harmony, but not ever unhappy with my physical sex. The times I am happiest with my body is when I am just me. Not having to fit some sort of cookie cutter female mold. But allowed to dress as I wish, act as I wish.
2) Do you want to live as a man?
No, I do not. If I was to live wholly as a man, then that would make me unhappy. I am both male and female genders, and they both want to be expressed. My male side is more pronounced, but I am a female also. The reason it pinches so to identify as a female/woman is that it's not really how I feel about me. If I had to identify as a male/man, it would feel as wrong.
3) Do you want to have sex with women, or threesomes?
Absolutely not! Well, ok a threesome? Sure, but only with two guys.... ;-p My sexual orientation is straight. I have no interest whatsoever in sex with women at all.
4) Do I want to look like a man?
No, no I don't. But am I comfortable in extremely frilly feminine clothing? No, I'm not. I do wear dresses and such, when the occasion demands it. But it feels like a costume, and it takes me quite a while to ignore what I have on, and relax enough to enjoy the occasion. And if I go shopping with other women they are forever forcing me into clothing that I am just not comfortable in. Sometimes, I am a doormat enough to buy what they are pushing me into. Rarely if ever do these clothes get worn.....
5) Do I like anything that is considered girly?
Yup! I have a huge, and I do mean huge, thing for Hello Kitty!! OMG! She is so cute!! Yes, I know she is pink, but cute!!! Kawaii!!!!!! I love bracelets of all kinds! Especially the thin metal type, I love the tinkling sound they make when I move my arms. Earrings are also something I love. However, I don't like the large, showy chandelier type. I do wear dangling ones, but they are fairly plain, and not showy. So, I do like girly stuff, just on a much more muted level than many girls. And for the most part can live without it, if I had to.
6) Do I do anything that is feminine?
Yeah, I do. I love to knit! So, much fun! I like to sew and embroiderer, and a few years ago learned to crochet. I only really play girly type of games on my DS and my game cube. But, rather than it being a function of femininity, it is rather more of a inability of mine, to enjoy killing things.... which most male games seem to be based on. Is my issue with killing things a gender thing for me? No, it is a byproduct of my abuse as a child. It has left me almost unable to hurt others, even with speech. The only times that I have hurt someone, is when they have hurt my boys. Because no one hurts my babies!
So, whew! I think that answers most of the questions that I have been asked. If you think of any others that you would like answered, just let me know. And if you want to chat with me to ask me more, please feel free to do so. My addy is in the side bar over there --->
And now on to the cookies!
These are the best peanut butter cookies ever!!! Why? Because they taste like peanut butter! No, I didn't forget the flour, these are flourless cookies.
1 cup smooth peanut butter, 1 cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla.
Preheat oven the 375. Mix all together in a bowl. On a small saucer pour a small amount of sugar. Roll the dough into smallish balls. Roll really well, to make sure the cookies hold together after baking. Roll them around in the sugar from your saucer, place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Lightly flatten with a bottom of a flat glass. Bake for about 11 minutes. The tops of the cookies should be lightly cracked, and the edges are a slightly different color. Cool for a few minutes on the cookie sheet before moving them to a cooling rack. Enjoy!
Thank you!
So, now on to straighten out some misconceptions that seem to be floating in the air. Yesterday, I spent more hours than I ever had before chatting, mostly answering the same questions from everyone. So, for those of you who read me, and do not chat with me, I'll answer the most common questions here for you.
1) Do you want a sex change operation?
No, I do not. I am transgender, not transsexual. The easiest way to describe this is thus. Sex, is about what is between your legs, gender is what is between your ears. The definition of a transsexual is a condition in which an individual identifies with a physical sex that is different from their biological one. And for the most part, I have been ok with my body, not a perfect harmony, but not ever unhappy with my physical sex. The times I am happiest with my body is when I am just me. Not having to fit some sort of cookie cutter female mold. But allowed to dress as I wish, act as I wish.
2) Do you want to live as a man?
No, I do not. If I was to live wholly as a man, then that would make me unhappy. I am both male and female genders, and they both want to be expressed. My male side is more pronounced, but I am a female also. The reason it pinches so to identify as a female/woman is that it's not really how I feel about me. If I had to identify as a male/man, it would feel as wrong.
3) Do you want to have sex with women, or threesomes?
Absolutely not! Well, ok a threesome? Sure, but only with two guys.... ;-p My sexual orientation is straight. I have no interest whatsoever in sex with women at all.
4) Do I want to look like a man?
No, no I don't. But am I comfortable in extremely frilly feminine clothing? No, I'm not. I do wear dresses and such, when the occasion demands it. But it feels like a costume, and it takes me quite a while to ignore what I have on, and relax enough to enjoy the occasion. And if I go shopping with other women they are forever forcing me into clothing that I am just not comfortable in. Sometimes, I am a doormat enough to buy what they are pushing me into. Rarely if ever do these clothes get worn.....
5) Do I like anything that is considered girly?
Yup! I have a huge, and I do mean huge, thing for Hello Kitty!! OMG! She is so cute!! Yes, I know she is pink, but cute!!! Kawaii!!!!!! I love bracelets of all kinds! Especially the thin metal type, I love the tinkling sound they make when I move my arms. Earrings are also something I love. However, I don't like the large, showy chandelier type. I do wear dangling ones, but they are fairly plain, and not showy. So, I do like girly stuff, just on a much more muted level than many girls. And for the most part can live without it, if I had to.
6) Do I do anything that is feminine?
Yeah, I do. I love to knit! So, much fun! I like to sew and embroiderer, and a few years ago learned to crochet. I only really play girly type of games on my DS and my game cube. But, rather than it being a function of femininity, it is rather more of a inability of mine, to enjoy killing things.... which most male games seem to be based on. Is my issue with killing things a gender thing for me? No, it is a byproduct of my abuse as a child. It has left me almost unable to hurt others, even with speech. The only times that I have hurt someone, is when they have hurt my boys. Because no one hurts my babies!
So, whew! I think that answers most of the questions that I have been asked. If you think of any others that you would like answered, just let me know. And if you want to chat with me to ask me more, please feel free to do so. My addy is in the side bar over there --->
And now on to the cookies!
These are the best peanut butter cookies ever!!! Why? Because they taste like peanut butter! No, I didn't forget the flour, these are flourless cookies.
1 cup smooth peanut butter, 1 cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla.
Preheat oven the 375. Mix all together in a bowl. On a small saucer pour a small amount of sugar. Roll the dough into smallish balls. Roll really well, to make sure the cookies hold together after baking. Roll them around in the sugar from your saucer, place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Lightly flatten with a bottom of a flat glass. Bake for about 11 minutes. The tops of the cookies should be lightly cracked, and the edges are a slightly different color. Cool for a few minutes on the cookie sheet before moving them to a cooling rack. Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I'm just a painting that's still wet.....
So, yeah now you know.... sorta, kinda. It is very hard to really explain how it feels to know you are different, and not really have the ability to express it others. Why can't I express it to you clearly? Because I have no experience as anything else than what I am, and you only have experience as to what you are.
I have been told, "What's the big deal? You're just a tom boy." Umm, no tis so much more than the enjoyment of participating in masculine activities. It isn't a physical expression, but a mental one.
"That's just weird!" Sigh. That one? Yeah, that one hurts, quite sharply actually. Don't you think I know it's weird to not be any one gender? To know that I don't 'fit' in? And, to know that I'll always feel some sense of alienation by people of the same sex as my self?
To clear things up, here is a handy way of looking at the difference between sex and gender. Sex? Basically it's what's between your legs. And gender? It's what's between your ears.
Technically? I am a transgendered person. This is what wikipedia has to say about transgender. "It's a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies to diverge from the normative gender roles. It's the state of one's 'gender identity'. A self-identification as woman, man or neither." Does that mean that I chose this gender identity? No, what it means is that for some reason, people like me don't take our gender identities from our sex.
How long have I felt this way? As long as I can remember..... I don't ever remember looking at any female, ever and thinking that I wanted to look like or to be like them. It was always males that I wanted to look like, act like, to be. Tough, cool, and oozing maleness....
It has always..... pinched, itched, didn't fit/feel right to be identified as female/woman..... never been comfortable marking that box. Chick is about the only female word that I am comfortable with. Do I use she? Yeah, am cool with she, her, etc.
Until a short time ago, I had never met anyone who was like me, at least not knowingly. And finding this new friend has allowed me to talk to someone who truly understands what I feel. And he has been educating me, holding my hand and helping me come to terms with it. What his friendship has meant to me, is beyond words. I'm not sure that I have ever met a sweeter kinder gentler person, ever. There isn't enough words to ever express what he means to me. My kk lol ;-p friend.
For years, I just let it lay in me, occasionally it would bubble up to the surface and I would feel so....... stifled by my sex and without an outlet for my gender, it would lead to bouts of short temper and depression, and tears.
Does T.H. know? Yeah, he does. Understand? Not really, but how can he? When I would be upset and rather manic about it, his only response, which didn't help at the time, but was the only way he knew how to 'fix' it was to tell me over and over that he loves me just as I am, and wouldn't change anything about me, and that he loves, loves, loves me. And how much more can I want? Nothing.
This post title? It's a lyric from the song "Leave a Scar" by Marilyn Manson. Why did I choose this as my title? Because, at some level, I feel unfinished, waiting for some undefinable something...... So, I am still in the process of learning to be me. Learning what it means to BE me. Learning, well me.
I have been told, "What's the big deal? You're just a tom boy." Umm, no tis so much more than the enjoyment of participating in masculine activities. It isn't a physical expression, but a mental one.
"That's just weird!" Sigh. That one? Yeah, that one hurts, quite sharply actually. Don't you think I know it's weird to not be any one gender? To know that I don't 'fit' in? And, to know that I'll always feel some sense of alienation by people of the same sex as my self?
To clear things up, here is a handy way of looking at the difference between sex and gender. Sex? Basically it's what's between your legs. And gender? It's what's between your ears.
Technically? I am a transgendered person. This is what wikipedia has to say about transgender. "It's a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies to diverge from the normative gender roles. It's the state of one's 'gender identity'. A self-identification as woman, man or neither." Does that mean that I chose this gender identity? No, what it means is that for some reason, people like me don't take our gender identities from our sex.
How long have I felt this way? As long as I can remember..... I don't ever remember looking at any female, ever and thinking that I wanted to look like or to be like them. It was always males that I wanted to look like, act like, to be. Tough, cool, and oozing maleness....
It has always..... pinched, itched, didn't fit/feel right to be identified as female/woman..... never been comfortable marking that box. Chick is about the only female word that I am comfortable with. Do I use she? Yeah, am cool with she, her, etc.
Until a short time ago, I had never met anyone who was like me, at least not knowingly. And finding this new friend has allowed me to talk to someone who truly understands what I feel. And he has been educating me, holding my hand and helping me come to terms with it. What his friendship has meant to me, is beyond words. I'm not sure that I have ever met a sweeter kinder gentler person, ever. There isn't enough words to ever express what he means to me. My kk lol ;-p friend.
For years, I just let it lay in me, occasionally it would bubble up to the surface and I would feel so....... stifled by my sex and without an outlet for my gender, it would lead to bouts of short temper and depression, and tears.
Does T.H. know? Yeah, he does. Understand? Not really, but how can he? When I would be upset and rather manic about it, his only response, which didn't help at the time, but was the only way he knew how to 'fix' it was to tell me over and over that he loves me just as I am, and wouldn't change anything about me, and that he loves, loves, loves me. And how much more can I want? Nothing.
This post title? It's a lyric from the song "Leave a Scar" by Marilyn Manson. Why did I choose this as my title? Because, at some level, I feel unfinished, waiting for some undefinable something...... So, I am still in the process of learning to be me. Learning what it means to BE me. Learning, well me.
androgynous me
So yesterdays post, was a keeping everyone at arms length way of talking about me.... I have been slowly telling people in blogland, and sometimes it is just very hard to get people to understand what it really means, to be androgynous. And how it has made me feel..... different my whole life.
Did you know there are actually four components of gender? Identity, presentation, performance, and role. Gender identity concerns how you think about yourself. Presentation describes how you look. Performance is how you act. Role is what you do for a living, and domestically. The last three is gender expression, which is external. Identity is internal, how you feel.
Gender should not be thought of as binary construct, because everyone is a blend of both masculine and feminine traits. Some of express more from one end of the continuum, some are more blended, and some like me are in the middle. Neither quite female nor quite male, but somewhere in the middle, but for the most part I lean more towards the male side.
I had two dolls that I loved to death, Suzy and Scotchy. Suzy was a baby, and she was fairly small. Scotchy was a toddler type of doll, and I loved him to death. But, to me? They weren't dolls, but my babies, and every day I would wash their faces, and change their dresses. Yes, Scotchy was a boy, but he wore a dress.
My favorite toys though were cars of all sorts, mud, the woods and my bike. I loved climbing trees, jumping the fence to get away from the cows that we had riled up. We loved to throw cow patties at each other! My aunt hated it, made us stink like you wouldn't believe, cause we didn't always use the dried ones.....
In high school there was no dress codes, unlike in junior high. Needing school clothing I started looking at the clothing, and nothing seemed right to me at all. To flowery, to frilly, to pink (shudder), and then I found a cool tee shirt. Had a graphic design on it, in shades of black and grey. I tried it on, and it fit perfectly! So, back to that area again and started picking up shirts and pants, and everything not only fit my outsides, but made me happy as to what I looked like in them. They were all boys clothing. In fact I saw several of my shirts on guys at school. And everyday was happy to get dressed, unlike in previous years. I ended up getting boy tennis shoes and several jackets.
This was a bad time period for me at home, and I was drinking quite heavily. There were several times, I allowed guys that I had just met to take me home with them. Yeah, home. I usually dated out of high school aged guys. And several of them, were surprised as hell that I was a girl, when they got my clothing off. Some of them got my clothes back on just as fast, and others, well....... The one thing this group of guys all said, was that I didn't seem or act like a girl. And I took that to be a compliment.
Through out all of my years of school, including my year of college, I have been severely bullied by girls. I have no idea why they don't like me, maybe they sense the difference in me? I don't make friends very easily with women, and the few that I have had, all have turned on me, in a very cruel and unnecessary manner. To be honest? I don't understand women at all! They for the most part are a complete and total mystery.
Most of my true friends have always been male, always. I understand guys, they make sense to me. And when I am with guys? I am at ease, and my full personality comes blooming forth. I am relaxed and happy, and that is a very unusual state for me to be around women. After knowing me a little bit, most all guys tell me that I am not like any other woman they have ever met. They say I make sense, and why can't all women act like me. Maybe because I'm not fully a woman?
The only full on female part of me? Is being a mom. And yes, I know guys can be very nurturing, but honestly? I think those men, have a great amount of female in them. I love and cherish my job as a mom. It is the most important thing I have ever done or will ever do. And funnily enough? All the boys have told me that I am not a woman! And then they feel the need to fix it up, thinking they have hurt my feelings, and they add, your just mom to us.
Do I hate my body? For the most part no. I out grew that when I had my first baby. I came to love my female body at that point, and was totally awed and amazed at the wonder of growing a new life inside of me. Before? Yeah, I was never fully comfortable in my body, it always felt not wrong, but not right either.
So, that is me.
Did you know there are actually four components of gender? Identity, presentation, performance, and role. Gender identity concerns how you think about yourself. Presentation describes how you look. Performance is how you act. Role is what you do for a living, and domestically. The last three is gender expression, which is external. Identity is internal, how you feel.
Gender should not be thought of as binary construct, because everyone is a blend of both masculine and feminine traits. Some of express more from one end of the continuum, some are more blended, and some like me are in the middle. Neither quite female nor quite male, but somewhere in the middle, but for the most part I lean more towards the male side.
I had two dolls that I loved to death, Suzy and Scotchy. Suzy was a baby, and she was fairly small. Scotchy was a toddler type of doll, and I loved him to death. But, to me? They weren't dolls, but my babies, and every day I would wash their faces, and change their dresses. Yes, Scotchy was a boy, but he wore a dress.
My favorite toys though were cars of all sorts, mud, the woods and my bike. I loved climbing trees, jumping the fence to get away from the cows that we had riled up. We loved to throw cow patties at each other! My aunt hated it, made us stink like you wouldn't believe, cause we didn't always use the dried ones.....
In high school there was no dress codes, unlike in junior high. Needing school clothing I started looking at the clothing, and nothing seemed right to me at all. To flowery, to frilly, to pink (shudder), and then I found a cool tee shirt. Had a graphic design on it, in shades of black and grey. I tried it on, and it fit perfectly! So, back to that area again and started picking up shirts and pants, and everything not only fit my outsides, but made me happy as to what I looked like in them. They were all boys clothing. In fact I saw several of my shirts on guys at school. And everyday was happy to get dressed, unlike in previous years. I ended up getting boy tennis shoes and several jackets.
This was a bad time period for me at home, and I was drinking quite heavily. There were several times, I allowed guys that I had just met to take me home with them. Yeah, home. I usually dated out of high school aged guys. And several of them, were surprised as hell that I was a girl, when they got my clothing off. Some of them got my clothes back on just as fast, and others, well....... The one thing this group of guys all said, was that I didn't seem or act like a girl. And I took that to be a compliment.
Through out all of my years of school, including my year of college, I have been severely bullied by girls. I have no idea why they don't like me, maybe they sense the difference in me? I don't make friends very easily with women, and the few that I have had, all have turned on me, in a very cruel and unnecessary manner. To be honest? I don't understand women at all! They for the most part are a complete and total mystery.
Most of my true friends have always been male, always. I understand guys, they make sense to me. And when I am with guys? I am at ease, and my full personality comes blooming forth. I am relaxed and happy, and that is a very unusual state for me to be around women. After knowing me a little bit, most all guys tell me that I am not like any other woman they have ever met. They say I make sense, and why can't all women act like me. Maybe because I'm not fully a woman?
The only full on female part of me? Is being a mom. And yes, I know guys can be very nurturing, but honestly? I think those men, have a great amount of female in them. I love and cherish my job as a mom. It is the most important thing I have ever done or will ever do. And funnily enough? All the boys have told me that I am not a woman! And then they feel the need to fix it up, thinking they have hurt my feelings, and they add, your just mom to us.
Do I hate my body? For the most part no. I out grew that when I had my first baby. I came to love my female body at that point, and was totally awed and amazed at the wonder of growing a new life inside of me. Before? Yeah, I was never fully comfortable in my body, it always felt not wrong, but not right either.
So, that is me.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
What's your gender?
"Gender identity (otherwise known as core gender identity) is the gender(s), or lack thereof, a person self-identifies as. It is not necessarily based on biological fact, either real or perceived, nor is it always based on sexual orientation. The gender identities one may choose from include: male, female, both, somewhere in between ("third gender"), or neither."
Are you curious now? Take the test, it's very simple, fairly quick, then tally your score. Ready? Bem Sex Role Inventory test
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Merry Christmas!!!
I hope you have a wonderful day, and that all of your heart wishes came true!
Hugs and best wishes!
Biki
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