the camouflaged man

Oh my Sir!

2012-01-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

You ARE happy to see me!

The Question

2012-01-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

Steven over at thestateofthenationuk.blogspot.com has ended 5 on the fifth, in favor of something new, a thought provoking question is put to us. This month the question is

What you attempt if you know you could not fail?

That is the easiest question ever.

1) come out to EVERYONE

2) transistion, and live a full life, not this half hidden life that is strangling me.

What would your attempt be?

Of Fish and Birds, a guest post by T

2012-01-21T16:49:00.000-08:00

Recently my friend Biki posted in blog "A fish may love a bird, but where will they live?" It is an interesting presentation so for all of us I will try to answer it.

The duality we all have in life whether we are any of the letters in LGBT is one of conflict. More often than not it is an internal one. It is our struggle to fit in a society that is ill prepared for us. Because of this ill preparation we are usually in the midst of defining our lives by standards and terms that really do not apply to us. We struggle.

What we need to discover is the power of love and creation. We must love who we are and who we want to be. We must love the journey that takes us wherever we will go. In that journey we should realize its success or failure is our creation. Like any traveller we can choose to flock to the masses or find our own path and enjoy the adventure on our terms.

Life has many obstacles, pit stops, even questions. Some may take our whole lives to figure out but that's fine. We are all works in progress, ever learning and changing. We are our choices and experiences. We are expression. Maybe that is the answer.

If there is no definition, space, or even feeling or thought about something express a new one. It does not have to be universal because our lives are our own.

So to answer my dear friend Biki I say this:

They live by the river, the lake, the sea. The bird soars proudly looking down upon its love always in sight. The fish gazes upward in joy. Diving forth the bird plunges through the watery surface for the brief foray to love's world. Bursting forth back to the air the fish surges up nudging the bird, a tantalizing embrace. It is not a perfect love but who said love is perfect?

The boundaries in our lives are usually set by us and as long as we follow someone else's definition we will never embrace our love fully. Fish or bird, it's expression is our own and as long as we are happy with it then it is a perfect love.

Love and create it's expression

Love is Never Wrong

by T http://links-of-love.blogspot.com/

"A fish may love a bird, but where will they live?"

2012-01-15T12:07:00.001-08:00

I have no pronouns that "work". I'm happiest with the male pronouns, but not 'seen' as male so only female ones are attached to me. I dont feel female, but dont look male.

Sent from my iPad

Baka Hoka*

2012-01-13T07:31:00.001-08:00

The traffic for the first few days scared the shit outta me. I haven't driven in heavy traffic since I was 18! So, huge learning curve there. The GPS who I have named "wife" cause she bitches at me when I dont manage to follow her orders, has for the most part done a great job getting me where I've wanted to go. There was one very odd day where "she" had me across the street from where I wanted/needed to be. Luckily I had a huge thirst for a frosty beverage of the coffee type, and there was the mother ship gleaming at me from across the street, Starbucks. And when I got out of my car and looked around.....yup! There was the store I was attempting to locate. But hey! I got to wander around a really cool unexpected store, so it's all good!

I've spent quite a bit of time driving around getting the odds and ends that I seem to need and had forgotten. Water purifier, measuring cups, bath rug, etc. As the days past, the comfort level with the traffic has increased, to the point where I'm taking the highway if the "wife" says to, and have actually charted a few trips without "her" guiding me along. Grid streets are a huge help to finding ones way about.

The other day after having a wrong address to a asian market I wanted to visit, decided to do a wander around one (!) of the huge local malls. I've never seen a cheesecake factory in person. Its well odd to see a chain restaurant selling mid-level food, looking like it has been transported from Vegas. I wandered into and out of many stores in the mall. Many of which I've never heard of. I mean I've heard of Lucky brand jeans, but didnt know they sold anything else! And actually bought two new shirts.

Girl shirts.

and I'm ok with em. Sure they arent very girly, or show chest or cleavage, but still.

While the main reason for me coming here was to get out of the cold for health reasons, and yes, I can't remember the last time I've felt this good, tis been a very long time. No limp, no brain fog, and the exhausted weight in my chest is gone. And now when I do get tired, its a 'normal' tired. I've stumbled across a surprised benefit, time to actually think about things.

A retreat in the desert, a time apart, a time to finally hear me, and to find out who I am without the context of the modifiers of wife and mother. And one thing that has become obvious to me, is that I submarine a lot of me to fill those rolls, something that makes me a stupid other*. If TH didnt like the person I was to begin with, he wouldnt have fallen in love with me. I've got to find him again. Because submerging so much of me has turned me into a stupid other*.

Sent from my iPad

Whew!

2012-01-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

It's been very busy these last few days. When I left home, it was -35, and was a fantastic 70 here. OH! You'll never guess what occurred the day I left Alaska. I had texted eldest to see if he would like to meet up for supper, and possibly take me to the airport. He answered back, how about lunch with me and baby, AND I'll take you to the airport. And so he did! 'twas quite wonderful.

So, I get into Phoenix, did some texting with Newleaf, took a shower, changed clothing and we met for lunch. TH got in around 6 pm, safe and sound, that was a long, cold hard drive let me tell ya. I gave my list of apartments that looked good on the web to Newleaf, so he could plot it all out. The next day, Newleaf picked TH and I up, and off we go apartment hunting. By noon, we had found the one we wanted and started the process of getting all our ducks in a line to make it ours.

Newleaf took us to a magical land by the name of Ikea. Zomg, it's completely fantastical! We walked thru the entire store, something that IS rather a PIA, because if you only want to visit one select area, one must still wander through the entire store, small moment of grrrr for that. We all had a nice dinner, and Newleaf showed me how to use the garmin gps.

Yesterday morning, TH and I wake up bright and early and head over to the apartment to sign the lease, and get the keys. Then off to a whirl of shopping. Ikea for furniture, Walmart for dishes and even though I though we had decided on not splurging on a tv for me, TH bought me a nice tv. Back to the apartment to dump that stuff off, then onto the grocery store. After getting the food put away, we were completely trashed tired. We ate some left overs, good thing I can never eat all of my dinners, yeah? And we're dead asleep by 9. Yes, sigh, by 9. And the alarm rang all to early at 5 am. TH got a shower, we ate and was at the front lobby by 6 for the ride to the airport.

And so the adventure begins.

Sent from my iPad

Acceptance and Peace

2012-01-03T03:34:00.000-08:00

Today, I was sitting on the sofa re-reading a favorite manga series, when my phone chimed a calendar alert. Having no clue to as what I have scheduled I pull it out of my pocket, and oh, its my "Out of the Closet Birthday". Whoa, has it been a year already? A warm feeling filled me, and unlike last year when I was a baby at accepting me and learning who I was, there wasn't any fear or grief, only a pleasant feeling of.....love. For quite possibly the first time in my entire life the war that screamed in my head of self hate and disgust had faded into a dull whisper. It had faded so slowly that I never noticed the loss of the internal cacophony that had raged within me. Feeling love and not disgust, being at peace with who I am, and not what I'm not is quite pleasant.

Am I happy when I see a girl looking back at me from the mirror? Well, no of course not. But girl and I are learning to work together a bit better.

The trick is how to integrate the outer shell with the inner true self, not an easy feat, at least for me.

Looking back on this year, it was a year of growth and acceptance, a year learning how to be the most authentic self possible. There have been several stumbles, and a few landslides, and several successes. My one big success is dressing to please me, not others. And the only time I dressed to please someone else caused a huge upheaval, and later a melt down when the wedding photos arrived from 3rd son. I've determined if indeed youngest son gets married next year, I will stand to my personal guns and go in some sort of pants. The day of me in a dress are over.

I leave tonight for my "Great Adventure". Yes, that's what I've decided to call it, sounds ever so much more exciting than "wintering for my health", yeah? For the first time ever, I and no one else will be master of my time, of what I do, what I wear, of my entire world. After endless days of whining about being afraid, the fear is gone, and I'm rock steady. I am ready to go, excited to go. And sad to say, ready for TH to fly home leaving me to my own devices. What I do find interesting is that my trip coincides with my closet b'day. Rather a total re-boot of my life.

Unlike last year, when the future scared me down to my atoms, I'm racing into my future, happy and laughing. This year could well prove to be a pivotal year as a trans person. Ditching the parts of me that only hold me back, clinging tight to the things that really matter.

My only fear is that TH wont fit into my new view of who I truly am, not who I'm expected to be. But, as my grandmother used to tell me, "don't bother trouble, until trouble bothers you." If indeed this fear of mine comes true, I'll cross that bridge tomorrow. Damn! I sound rather like Scarlet O'Hara when she said, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." But she rather had it right, don't ya think? We can worry ourselves into a frazzle about something that may never come to pass.

Candy Canes of Death and Destruction

2011-12-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, not really....but man, if they sold those evil little crooks of minty sweetness all year 'round? I'd be in a sugar coma non-stop. I have absolutely no will power to resist them, zero ability to not power them down. Rather like a beaver....I gnaw and suck, and chew and bite and lick.....and sigh tis all gone... sigh. So what do I do then? OPEN ANOTHER ONE!!! YIPPEE!!! What you don't know is that it can take me several days to finish a candy bar the size of a Hersey's, so yeah... I have it bad for these thank gods only seasonal treats.

I've been a bad blogger, and haven't updated my blogs, and only sporadically read and commented. Sorry about that folks, but winter has me in her cold and dark talons and I'm lucky to get outta bed. It's gotten to the point of the year where I have to decide if I cook dinner OR shower cause I dont have enough energy to do both. A good day for me now is to manage both, which leaves me weak the next day. I sure do hope my winter sojourn to Arizona gives me back some semblance of life, I'm well tired of flying a sofa thru my day.

Last Christmas was such a disaster, TH and I almost gave away or threw out everything that had anything to do with Christmas. Early in November 3rd son, called me and said, "Turkey day is at our house this year. What would you like to bring, the turkey? hint, hint, hint..." "Hahahaha! Sure kiddo, I'll do the turkey." Turkey day was a huge success, and yeah the turkey was tasty too. ;-p Eldest and his wife didn't show, which is why it was a drama and stress free zone. In fact it went so well, TH and I decided to give Christmas a try again. However being so burned from last year, we went in a different direction. No decorations, no gifts to each other, only for the kids and baby, and a non-traditional dinner menu. I went with a super bowl theme. We had hot wings, teriyaki wings, hot german potato salad, green salad, yeast rolls and desserts. I did make gingerbread, but its a cake like thingy, and we never made it for Christmas, traditionally I made it during fire wood cutting days. The guys would come in all cold and tired and be met with the fantastic smell of gingerbread. While we never had a wood burner, TH cut many cords of wood for elder neighbors, or families where the husband was north working, and didnt have time to get their wood 'in'.

We called all the boys, even the one who is currently living in Minneapolis, we didn't want him feeling left out. I had picked the Friday before Christmas, thinking that would work for everyone. However, youngest had a 'do' at his GF's father's home, so we scooted it back to Thursday. I didn't manage to get eldest on the phone, so finally ended up texting him about the date change, and he never answered my text, which TH and I took to mean, he wouldn't be attending.

Monday the temperatures started to climb up the scale until we hit +30! Whoo-hooo!!!! And they held pretty much consistent, which made me functional. Halli-fucking-lula! The day started out with building the brine for the wings, and off to the desserts, the afore mentioned gingerbread, peanut butter cookies, and a cookie we christened 'dutch crunchies' due to none of us being able to pronounce them. Call them what you will, these are great cookies! Then the steamer was drug into duty for the potato salad, and while I was working up the dough for the rolls, my nerves started to ramp up. TH had the same haunted look around his eyes as well. By 6 the wings were done, the rolls in the oven, and we waited for the doorbell to ring.............

3rd son and bride came first. The door bell rang again, and thinking it was youngest and gf, I answered the door, and almost fell over, it was eldest with the baby, and no wife. It was awkward for a moment or two, and then he leaned over and gave me a hug, and on the way back up, I bussed baby's cheek. The fact that DIL (the daughter in law) wasn't in tow wasn't spoke of. Shortly after eldest arrival, youngest came with gf. Now bride and gf dont get along really well, and its a silly reason really, but we were hoping they could get along for the evening, and they did! So, that leaves TH and I wondering how much of the friction between these girls is made worse by DIL?

The night was a total success! It was easy like it was before DIL came with her drama, and her need to be the center of attention, and her need to stir up conflict. We laughed, everyone played with the baby, we ate, talked, told stories, and everyone had fun playing with baby and her new toys. When everyone left, youngest told TH to wait it out, he thinks things will get better, so we shall see. TH and I went to bed happier than we had been in many a day.

I'm almost completely packed for my trip. TH leaves Thursday morning in my packed car, and I fly out the 3rd. Since we have air tickets and a hotel room, the trip is a concrete thing. I'm getting better with the idea of being alone without TH for 4 months. We can't afford for him to come down very often, so yeah it will be a swim situation. Sinking is NOT an option. I know I can do this, I know I can.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to one and all!

with affection and gratitude,
Biki

And The Winner is........................TH!

2011-12-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

For years now, TH has been attempting to have me go to a warmer climate for most of the winner, and every year I've dug my heels in and refused to go. Why? For many various reasons, but the two most important boil down to:
1) I'd miss TH like crazy
2) believe it or not, I'm a shy person in real life and slow to open up. I'm fantastic with the superficial stuff, like with clerks and waitstaff. But put me in a social situation, and I'm at a loss, sigh.

But after years of quiet wrangling back and forth, never a fight, never a cross word, just that defeated look in TH's eyes when I again refuse to go, and again fall ill due to the cold and dark, I finally gave in. This September when I hied off to Atlanta to visit Steve and his hubby and go to the concert, I couldnt believe how good I felt. No painful joints, loads of energy, and my allergies were much improved, and then it hit me I am stone dead tired of being ill all the damned time. I love and adore Alaska, but it seems the love is rather one sided as the climate here isnt all that good for me.

So, January 3rd will find me on a plane to Arizona. TH is driving my wee car down for me, and then flying home after a few days visit. And then it will just be me, alone.........for the first time in my life. I went from home (not that my homelife was all that good, but I knew my place in that world), to college, and then to TH and later the boys.

Knowing that unless I make a huge giant effort, I'll spend the 4 months alone, I've come up with what I hope is a workable plan. It's a mix of taking some classes and hopefully some volunteer work. I've found a place that rescues homeless teens, some of them are street kids while others are removed from their families by the courts. They ofer the older teens classes in life skills, and that is something I would be good teaching. Even better? They serve LGBT teens, which is something that is vastly underserved as you know.

As for classes? Well.................I'm a rabid knitter, yeah. My grandmother taught me to knit. Early on she discovered the trick to shut me up was to fully engage my brain. My poor grandmother, I know that I drove that poor woman to distraction. After grandmother passed away angel uncle took over teaching me knitting. If I dont have something on a set of needles, I feel restless and at loose ends. Its what I do while tv watching. If I just watch tv without doing something else, I become like a caged lion and pace, and get jittery. Yeah, me and tv not the best of combos. Lately my passion for knitting is for socks. I dont go in for the fancy stitched socks, but just brightly colored socks. These all were knitted these last six months.

But in the world of knitting there is loads of stuff I dont know how to do, or an easier method to do something, so knit classes here I come! Ya know how it is, sitting with people all engrossed in the same pursuit, tis mega easy to chat, and if nothing comes out of meeting these knitters, at least its time not spent alone, so that's to the good. Maybe I'll take a language course, a wire jewelry class, maybe a tai chi class, which is something that has interested me, but never had a chance to take, who knows the sky is the limit, yeah?

And if you are curious as to if I'll still be blogging during this time? Hellz yeah!

tis been a while

2011-12-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Hello All!

Yeah, I know that I've been gone awhile again. Remember that virus that laid me out? Well, ya see, for some reason that crazy assed virus got to comfy living in me, and wouldnt move on. For the most part, I've been sofa surfing and bed lounging. Long dark days where I slept more than was awake. Long nights of no sleep, my longest stretch was 28 hours and then only napped for 3 hours, and was up again for over 24.

Part of the issue is I have a compromised immune system which is worsened by the cold. Yeah, lucky me huh? It's been a bit warmer of late, and so I'm feeling a bit better, don't know how long it will last, but one must enjoy every morsel, yeah?

So, what occupied my waking hours? Hmm, lets see......ok I watched way way to much tv. I watched so much of Mythbusters, my all time favorite show, next to Star Trek, that I can tell in what order certain scenes were filmed. How? Well, some by the size of Kari's tummy the year she was preggers. By the healing of scrapes and burns, and ultimately wardrobe. No, really! But one must watch episode after episode to see what order the clips were filmed.

I've read loads. No, let me repeat that, I read LOADS AND LOADS.......there that's better! I'm what most people would classify as an eclectic reader, and most of the books I read are e-books. Why? Well, many of the inks and glues burn my hands, however a more precise view honestly is, what bookstore is open at 2 am? Exactly, none are, but Kindle and iBooks never close! Whoo-hoo!! Books available 24 hours a day! Now that is my idea of heaven on earth.

Here are just a few from my "hit" parade.
"the kids from nowhere" The Story Behind the Arctic Educational Miracle by George Guthridge

Life in most of Alaska is vastly different from the "lower 48". We seem to view things differently here, and for the most part it isnt what you wear, what you do for a living, what you drive or even what your home looks like, if indeed you have one that you're judged by, but its who you are, if your word is able to be trusted that matters. But as different as the larger towns here are from y'all, the villages are a world apart from everyone. To a great extent they are still tied, willingly mind you, to the tides and seasons of the year. Honestly to me they lead a much more authentic lifestyle, than our acquisition centered lifestyle. They live in the here and the now, not next week, month, year but now.

George drags his family to an extremely remote corner of Alaska, and yeah I hear what you're thinking, and yes they can see Russia from their house on a clear day. Schools as a whole in Alaska are rather dismal, but schools in villages are the absolute dregs. We get the teachers that no one else will take, the fresh faced kids right out of a large school from the 'states' who think teaching in Alaska will be.....sigh "romantic". But every so often we capture a rare gem, and George is the rarest of the rare, he battled the other teachers to prove these kids were teachable. Found ways to reach these kids who scholarship was just a waiting time until their real lives could start, where school honestly to them was a monumental waste of time. These kids are all ESL (English as a second language) who had grave issues writing in English, as Yupik is arranged differently than English. George was tossed into teaching a class on Future Problem Solving, without any resources or experience, and in two years took two groups to the nationals, and won fighting against enormous odds. Before you have a chance to think, "ahh, one of those pat myself on the back books", no no George is quite clear that while he pushed them forward, it was the kids who were motivated to win. The first year they wanted to win because they knew they would be the only Eskimo team competing in Anchorage, and wanted the chance to prove they were more than whale hunters, the second year they wanted to score better to show that their last placement wasn't a fluke.

Dragon's path by Daniel Abraham

A solid book, there were several characters that really stole my breath with how well Daniel managed to "draw" them. I'm not quite sure how to classify this book, I'd suppose fantasy as at one point in time there were dragons, but they aren't any left when the book takes place. There isnt any magic, at the heart of the story is political intrigue and how the most far flung person can cause epic changes. What I liked about this book the most was that their world is populated by many different types of people, think Star Trek with the mix of all the cultures/beings, and ya got it. Some of these beings were created by dragons to be servants, and as in any society there is class distinction, and racism. Daniel draws his people with a deft hand, and isnt shy about peeling away the thin veneer of society and showing the raw underbelly many people possess. There is one character who did a deed so vile, so horrific I had to put the book down for awhile. But then, y'all know my low threshold for violence.

Josh Lanyon

I adore Josh's writing, and haven't found anything he's written that I haven't loved. What is it about his writing that draws me? Hmm.....his word usage, his playfully smart dialog, and his everyman characters. He is to use a rarely used term, witty.

My first introduction to his work was the Adrien English Series. Adrien is a owner of a mystery bookstore who keeps getting drawn into murder investigations, the first of which because he was a "person of interest" to the police, and was afraid if he didnt investigate he would be railroaded straight to jail. As the case unfolds a very unlikely romance develops between Adrien and Jake. Jake is everything that Adrien hates, a closeted man, but something about Jake gets under Adrien's skin. Adrien has a mom that worries about him non-stop as Adrien has a bum ticker, and is honestly not healthy. As Adrien works his way through the murder of his high school best friend and more currently employee, he fights with his mom about moving back home, works to keep the store staffed, and tries to figure out what to do about Jake. There be sex here, but unlike many m/m books tis a book that includes sex as a normal part of Adrien's life, not a word porn book with just enough plot to hang a story on.

Take The Lead by Johnny Diaz

Johnny's book is a loving portrayal of a son's love for his dad who is dealing with the debilitating effects of Parkinson's while he navigates through the dating world. Gabriel is a college professor who has moved from Miami to Boston, leaving his family behind. All is well with Gabriel's world until he realizes that his father needs help, and he begins to look for something, anything that will help his dad move better. Then he finds an article on how dancing improves some of the issues Parkinson's patients have, and while exploring the dance class he begins to crush on the dance teacher, Adam.

Ooku: The Inner Chambers by Fumi Yoshinaga

Manga about the Edo period in Japan where a strange new disease called "Red Pox" has begun to kill the country's men, and continues to do so until there is only a quarter of the men left. This manga explores how society would change to accommodate this occurrence. Men become too valuable to use for manual labor, war is a thing of the past as they cant be so easily thrown away. The Shogun is now a woman who has an "inner court" ie concubines of over 800 men. An unbelievable wealth in a society where every man is cherished. Men no longer work, but are cosseted and cared for, and women pick up the slack doing traditionally male centered jobs. The main portion of the series takes place in the inner court and the repercussions it has on all of these men who have no outlet for their sexual needs, their needs to having something to strive for and against. And so they plot and conspire against each other. When one young handsome man comes in, the men who have been there longer take an instant dislike to him, and after dark rape him. A very multi layered series. It reads from the "back" of the book to the front right to left on each page. If you only try one manga, this might be a good one to try. Like 99% of manga available only in print form.

And if you were curious as to just how dark it is in the winter here during the day? Well, we havent yet approached the darkest day yet, but it sure feels like it.

This was taken at 2:30 pm. Yeah just a typical day here in the frozen north. If I think about it, I'll do a picture tomorrow at noon, yeah?

See y'all soon!

Merry Turkey Day!

2011-11-24T02:09:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

It seems as if we mostly only hear gloom and doom in our daily life. The cable news networks seem to enjoy breaking our hearts with daily stories of rapes, murders and worse. I'm not sure why bad news is such a draw over happier, uplifting stories. Could it be that we are that jaded? Or is our daily life so devoid of joy, that we really can only bear to see people worse off than us?

Hmmm…….what I think is really going on, is that big horrid occurrences DO draw in the viewers, but the day to day updates on a missing person or murder trials seems more like a reality show. We turn in to see what's up with the hunt for the missing human, or to see how the prosecution is doing against the lawyers for the defense, and somehow thru the medium of the tv, it looses its 'realness' and becomes little different than "Big Brother" or "Survivor". Both are similar really, they both have their 'villains' their 'heroes' and of course a winner that we hash over days after that current cycle of the show ends. But, today I'm doing a happy story, a true story, a story that needs a wider audience, because this man is a shining star indeed.

Jimmy Creech was a United Methodist minister, yes past tense, he is an unsung hero of the trenches of fighting hand to hand for marriage rights for all Americans, and for his unrepentant fight he was defrocked. Jimmy felt the pull to be a pastor, he loved nothing more than holding his parishioners hands and hearts in their time of need, spreading the God he knew, which was a God of love and of peace. This is a man who lives the word of God, no shilly shalling about, he believes what he preaches.

Like most people who don't realize they know LGBTQ humans, Jimmy was typical in his blindness to their daily struggles to live a 'normal' life. While in his office one fine morning one of his flock came into his office saying how he was finished with the Methodist church. How Adam refused to support or attend a church that hated him. Jimmy calmed him down and pulled the reason out of him. This is what drove 'Adam' from his church of birth;

"The United Methodist Church does not condone the practice of homosexuality and consider this practice incompatible with Christian teaching. We affirm that God’s grace is available to all. We will seek to live together in Christian community, welcoming, forgiving, and loving one another, as Christ has loved and accepted us. We implore families and churches not to reject or condemn lesbian and gay members and friends. We commit ourselves to be in ministry for and with all persons." (1)

Adam's grief and anger ripped the blinders from Jimmy's eyes, and he began a spiritual quest to seek the answers. This is a quest that began in 1984 and still continues to this day. At one of his church trials, this is what Jimmy had to say about how he felt that God, the bible and his faith intersect;
"It is my belief that the position taken by The United Methodist Church regarding same-gender unions, as well as that regarding "the practice" of homosexuality, is wrong, unjust, discriminatory and inconsistent with the spirit of Christ and our Wesleyan and Methodist traditions…"

"Sexual orientation is not a moral issue; it is morally neutral. Sexual ethics are simple: sexual relationships should be mutual, non-exploitative, nurturing and loving. What is immoral are unequal, exploitative, abusive and unloving sexual acts toward another person. This is true regardless of the orientation of the persons involved. I believe that sexual activity which is considered moral when practiced by two people of different genders, is no less moral when practiced by two people of the same gender. The crucial test is whether the activity is mutual, non exploitative, nurturing and loving.

I believe that the sin of heterosexism is no less a sin than that of racism. While some of the dynamics may be different, they are fundamentally identical in nature as an expression of a dominate culture over another.

Just as it was the church in the South that perpetuated racism so that slavery and white supremacy could have legitimacy, the Christian church has been responsible, more than any other institution, for perpetuating the sin of heterosexism as a form of control over what is feared within all of us: the mystery of human sexuality and intimacy (sexual or non-sexual) with persons of the same gender.

Because of the heterosexism taught and practiced by the institution of the Christian church, countless young people have committed suicide, adults have lived lifetimes of lies, families have been destroyed, gay men and lesbians have been cruelly treated and murdered, the spirit and lives of millions of gay people have been crippled, and they have been told that the love of God is denied to them because of who they are, and will continue to be unless they become other than who they are.."(2)

This is a man who loved being a pastor, who loved ministering to his flock, and worked hard at his job, who took a pay decrease when times were tough at his church. Even though he lost one church due to his stance on believing, no strike that, he knew that God and Jesus loved all of his children, gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual and transgender, that Jesus would have welcomed all into his church, and allowing all to marry. After getting a chance at a new church, Jimmy didn't blanch or hedge his bets, he carried on, trying to make the new church more inclusive, more open to lgbt humans, causing the church to split in two factions, the group that grew to understanding that God loved all humans no matter of their sexuality, and the group that lives in the past with hate and bigotry.

Jimmy's work caused him to lose this new church, and later be defrocked, which for a man who believes in God and his church was wrenching, but once he stepped off the curb and marched in his first gay pride parade, carrying a banner saying that God loved all his children, he never looked back, never wavered, never changed his stance, his tone, his belief.

If you 'know' me, you'll pick up quite quickly that I'm not a religious person. I was raised going to church on Sundays, summer bible school and the whole 9 yards. Even as a small person however, I saw the hypocrisy in singing, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so" and then listening to the 'pastor's' hate filled preaching, at that point in time, the hate was spewed towards the blacks. This was the time period of the race riots, freedom marches and the beginning of desegregation of schools.

I lived in an apartment complex that primarily served military families, I was the only kid in our square whose daddy wasn't in the military. I had friends who were black, who were half asian, latino, heck it didnt matter to me what color they were, still doesn't. We were a rainbow, and got along great with each other. From making mud pies, to playing pick up games of football, racing around on our bikes, and sharing lunches, and following the mail man every single day all of us talking to him at once, I knew these kids were no different from me. The flyleaf of my children's bible was Jesus surrounded by children, and they were from all over the world. I remember laying on the floor one sweltering hot summer day, (this is when only the rich had air conditioning!) and looking at my bible, and remembering the 'message' from the previous Sunday, and I couldn't get what I knew to be true, and what a man of "God" said about blacks.

So began my quest for answers. No one was safe from my questioning, and I never did receive an answer that satisfied me. And as the young and innocent will often do, I came to my own conclusions, I was right, the adults were wrong, God did love us all, even the stupid.

Give Jimmy's book a try, and see if he doesn't make you feel just a wee bit better that not every christian in the whole world hates the lgbt humans, and gives you hope that times are a changing.

"Adam's Gift: A Memoir of a Pastor's Calling to Defy the Church's Persecution of Lesbians and Gays"
376 pages
Publisher: Duke University Press books (March 14, 2011)

Hardcover from Amazon.com is 19.77
Kindle version from Amazon is 16.47

(1) United Methodist Church doctrine
(2) Adam's Gift by Jimmy Creech (i'm sorry i cant give you the page number, my copy is a kindle book)

It's all about love, yeah?
Hope your thanksgiving was a happy day filled with laughter and hugs.

Beyond the binary

2011-11-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

An incident occurred while I was at the Trans conference that I've never written about. Why? Well, I was totally overwhelmed at the conference, without a doubt it was an entire weekend of overloaded circuits, and I wanted to make sure that there was process time between the occurrence and the writing about. While I finally had it all worked out in my mind ages ago, I didn't feel the need to write about until now, but something R.J. said in her comment to my last post, sparked the need to talk about it.

I have been discriminated against by a couple of T girls for not having transitioned and I never understood it. by R.J.

Fledging me was sitting at one of the dinners at the conference, chatting happily with the people sitting at my table. Dinner was over and there was a great deal of table hopping going on. The two ladies next to me, took their purses and disappeared into the mix. The lady on the other side asked me to save her seat, as she need to use the restroom. I'm sitting all happy as a puppy, sipping the last of my beer, when this lady I didn't know, but had seen here and there around plopped down next to me.

Working on the confidence I'd gained over the past couple of days, I greeted her first, with a happy welcoming smile on my face. Not the reserved one that I usually wear. And then, the other shoe fell hard on my neck. This is the gist of our "conversation". Conversation is in quotes, because really it was an interrogation.

Her: So, we have all been wondering about you. Just what do you think you are?

Me: Umm, what do you mean?

Her: WHAT do you THINK you are?

Me: ……………..

Her: (very condescendingly) Are you a guy or a girl?

Me: Oh! I'm a guy. Why?

Her: Well, you have earrings on, nail polish and boobs. You were confusing us.

Me: My earrings are guys, and if you'd look around, you'd see most of the transmen wearing earrings. I have on polish sure, but its black and left over from the decades dance. I was a rocker and forgot to purchase the special remover this polish requires, So I left it. And yeah I have boobs, my body is female.

Her: You should bind and not wear earrings and polish so not to confuse us.

At this point I was beyond speechless. Heretofore I didn't realize this event was policed by the styling mafia. Did I mention her ill fitting wig? Or the poorly applied makeup? I did not. Why? It wasn't any of my damned business.

One sweet transguy asked to sit with me, said he wanted to talk to me. This was after the interrogation, and I was leery to say the least. But he was sweet, and kind and we really hit it off. At the end he asked me if he could use me as an example to his therapist. It seems the therapist has a very narrow view of what it means to be male, and an even narrower world view of what being a trans person should be. He actually said, "You've given me hope that I don't have to cookie cutter myself to be trans. I want to model myself on you."

Well, knock me over with a feather! I was surprised to say the least. At this time I still hadn't dove deep into the trans pool and both of those responses took me by surprise.

And this is what I was talking about in the last post, of trans people policing their fellow trans so very closely. What do the transmen think? I'm not really sure actually, as a whole they are very quiet. This is a really representative view of what a great deal of transsexual women feel.

Transgender is a term created by a transvestite to rename her kind to a more acceptable sounding word. Virginia Prince so named herself and others of her kind such in the late 1970s. Since that time the LGBT political mongers have included everyone who is gender variant under that term. It is predominantly Gay Males who want us included in their psycho-sexual world. This gives them some sort of vindication that they are the same as us. Not even close.
A transsexual person is dealing with a congenital birth defect. This is a medical fact. Therefore there is no possible way we are the same thing. Ours is medical theirs is sexual and political.
What occurred with the ENDA mess has verified just how bad this word is to us. We are grouped with the TGs and that is part of the problem. This effects us in work, housing, and every other part of our lives and being associated with them is damaging us politically. While we may all have differences within ourselves in so far as our sexual orientation we who are transsexuals all have the common bond of the medical issue. Ours is gender identity and not sexual orientation.

…………yeah…..ok……….whatever

But really, this is what a great deal of the rhetoric I hear around the blogworld when I hang out in the transsexual spaces. I heard much much hate towards the cross dressers. And how they screw up their ability to gain civil rights due to their outrages actions, and the fact they only dress as women now and then, so no one will believe them. Sound familiar? How many times have I heard guys complain about the flamers in their wee spangled thongs at pride fest, and how it makes the rest of the "normal" gay world look bad?

I do have to agree that cross dressers do seem to cause a chilling effect on the trans world in winning civil rights. Makes it seem more of a "game" than a "real" problem. However, its the "haves" that are causing the ripples in the trans pool, we are just silly enough to allow those ripples to cause class war within the trans ranks.

Most of the transgender people I've been lucky enough to meet, either in the flesh, or in the virtual world all say, they knew they were different from a very early age. They don't quite fit comfortably within the body they were given. They don't have the extreme form of needing surgery to feel whole, they are more of a blend than a mono-gendered person. And after a struggle session, have come to terms with who they are a beautiful blend of male and female, or they realize they have no gender. I think this song from the Disney movie Mulan is quite apt as to what most of us feel at one time or another.

Truthfully I've more or less decided not to attend the trans conference this winter. But I will go back, perhaps next year when I have more a concrete platform nailed down. And when I do come back, it will be to host a program, of which I already have a name for, "There is more than one way to be Trans, and all of them are right."

My response to the militant transsexuals? Is this quote, The true civilization is where every man gives to every other every right that he claims for himself. --Robert Ingersol

The Barrier Method

2011-11-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

When society closes its doors of privilege to certain people the stress it causes the shut-outs is immense. So immense that just being a member of this shut-out group lowers life expectancy, and increases substance abuse, and in some groups lowers the age of sexual activity. What I find fascinating is how each and every marginalized group goes through the exact same steps, no matter who the group is or when the marginalization occurs.

There are quite often physical signs telling the group they are not allowed, as with both the Irish and the Blacks. Then their are the hidden signs but they are clear nevertheless, as in Jewish people not being allowed to join country clubs or professional societies. Or the unspoken, unwritten rules regarding LGBT's in the work force.

While the majority really gives little if any thought to the hated "group du jour", the outsiders give massive amounts of thought to living within the restrictive confines allotted to them. Which is why when each and every hated group begins to demand their civil rights, the majorities response is usually the same to each group.
"We've done so much for them! They need to be grateful for all we have given them!"

"Well! They need to know their place! And stop flaunting themselves around."

"I have nothing against ____. In fact I have a friend that's ____."

"Let's go slumming and hang out at the _____club. They are such a fun 'people'."

"The bible says ….."

Within group du jour life is often arbitrary and conflicting. Some members are picked out by the majority society and are considered "better" than the rest of the shut-outs, which quite often starts a chasm within that group, that is often unable to ever be repaired. And because of this arbitrary mark of being allowed certain access to the majority of society, the shut-outs often fall into inter-group bickering about which members of the group is more deserving of the largess of society.

When only scraps of the pie are given to marginalized people, what's left over is quite often fought over without any thought to sharing. And this is where I feel the LGBT is today, especially the T. Each letter of our rainbow has a certain faction that feels some level of hatred towards members of their own letter, and dissatisfaction towards the inclusion of certain other of the letters to the rainbow. All of the infighting stems from the 'haves' of society cherry picking which members of the shut-outs are less objectionable to them.

And so we have gay men often looking down on the femme more flamboyant gay men, the men who really can't hide who they are. However, if you think about it, its the flamboyant men who were first accepted into certain areas of the 'haves' lives, fashion, decorating, and theater for example. Now if a femme wanted to teach school? Heavens above, like that would ever fly! So, we have the more blend-able men being able to do most any job, and the femme guys regulated to only certain areas of society. But the blend-able men also suffer, and mightily so, in order to keep their wee corners of ledge they had to hide and lie about who they were. The femms were free to be 'out' but only in certain situations, and so are curtailed on their own ledge.

In the transgender group, t women who can 'pass' consider themselves better, much better. Lately an interesting new chasm has arisen with the trans group, that is of transsexuals not wanting to be grouped in with the transgendered, in any way whatsoever. Reading many of the transsexual's posts one gets the feeling t girls feel superior to the transgendered members. Cutting the group into ever finer slices transsexuals who have had SSR feel they are more authentic women than those who are still intact and are tucking. All of this infighting has lead many transgendered folks away from the T and to the Q. Many of them call themselves genderqueer because there is much less binary thinking within the Q than within the T. If you want to see a conservative group, just look within the T's. Many of them rigidly hold on to the binary gender rules, and woe to anyone who doesn't want to fit into their neat box, or who can't.

Many people in the LGBTQ feel that the T or the Q for that matter, don't belong within their rainbow, say its not the same thing at all. Well, yes it is the same thing, but you have to be willing to see the larger picture, and not the narrow one. Many T's at one point in their journey are considered to be either gay or lesbian. M2F's who are attracted to men start out as gay, but when they transition they are now straight. Some M2F's start out as straight, but after transition are now seen to be lesbian. Interestingly enough, some people after transitioning, change the sex they are attracted to, which needless to say is very confusing to them. The transsexuals who are bi to start with have all the marbles, yes? But even looking past this position of transsexuals being two letters of our rainbow, there is yet another view point, that of to many 'haves' view gays and lesbians as flaunting gender rules. Think of the stupid question many gay men and women get when they are with a partner long term, "so, which one of you is the girl/guy?" They can't imagine that two women or two men can live as spouses and not have one of them act the part of the opposite gender. So while gays and lesbians don't see themselves are gender warriors, the 'haves' do.

Within the lesbian circle there is a group of radical feminists who look down on any woman who has been married to a man, or who enjoys penetrative sex. Yes, you read that right, they look down on those women for enjoying a good fuck. They consider penetrative sex as "rape", sigh. Umm, without any woman being penetrated there would be no children, am I right? Of course the butch lesbians don't blend in real well, and suffer more discrimination than the femme's do. Many lesbians have extreme anger at m2f's, and feel they are attempting to take over womyn's spaces with their male prerogative. They feel that f2m's are poor deluded women, seduced by the lure of male prerogative who would butcher their bodies to get that golden ring. And of course many lesbians plain out hate all men, so they see no reason to bind their L to the G or B and never! the T.

Ah, the lot of the B's. They seem to be dismissed on all sides. Unbelieved by all to be actually bisexual. Yes, there are some men who stop at the way station between straight and gay at bi. Why? Because it has that wonderful aroma of possibly being straight, of being just a touch gay, so no worries. While many men use the bi station to rest up before the next stop, it clouds the reality of life as bi. There are many ways to operate as bi, and they are all completely and totally valid ways of being.

And while how the society views these different groups varies, life outside is a cold and unwelcoming place, and warming ourselves over the fires of other shut-outs is beyond the pale wrong. The more we bicker among ourselves the better off the 'haves' are. Remember the old saw from school, "divide and conquer"? The 'haves' are doing a fantastic job of throwing scraps to us to keep us divided and no threat to their status quo. If we want equality, throwing some of under the bus to get there, isn't a good thing at all. When the 'haves' keep some of us under foot, and elevates other's it causes this nasty bit of infighting and the forming of micro groups, and this has to stop. And not just for the achieving of civil rights, but why alienate those who understand what your world is actually like?

Each group seems to go through a period of worrying about loosing their culture if they are assimilated into the 'haves' of society. The Jewish leaders say the easy acceptance in America is leading to the eroding of their culture. Deaf people are fighting against cochlear implants, because they see it as the end of their culture, and many parents who chose cochlear implants for their young children are shut out of the deaf culture. It is so bad that it has divided entire families!

A few weeks ago Rachel Maddow was talking about how marriage equality would disintegrate gay and lesbian culture. At first I understood what she was attempting to say, and then slowly what occurred to me wasn't the loss of gay culture, but the loss of how we lived as a hidden culture. During the dark days surrounding the build up to WW2, many people who were on Hitler's list of hated people, learned to submarine who they were in order to live. They lived a shadow life, a life filled with fear of being discovered that was so great many of them refused pain medications afraid they would blab who they really were. Is that what we want to keep as our culture a remembrance of life as a 'shut-out'?

We need to understand that many of us don't want to get married, and thats perfectly fine and dandy. We also need to understand the grief many of us feel about not being able to marry our beloved partners, never being able to mark the box as married. While I don't think that marriage equality is the end all and the be all for LGBTQ people, we do need to be on equal footing across the board with the 'haves' with civil rights.

But on our march to equality we need to remember our weaker members, the young and the elders. Since many shelters are ran by religious groups they refuse access to gender variant teens, or outwardly gay kids, leaving these vulnerable members out on the street and prey for the wicked. Why the police don't prosecute the parents who throw their children out into the wild, is beyond my ability to understand. If they don't want the child back, that's perfectly fine, but make them pay for housing these kids in a more welcoming and hopefully loving situation. Ideally what would be the best of all possible worlds if the child cant be with loving parents, would be to have group homes ran by LGBTQ. But where would the money come from? At the present all of our funds seem to go toward fighting marriage equality, state by slow slog state.

The elderly have an entirely different concern, the death of a spouse and the loss of their pension can mean the loss of their home, the inability to afford medical care. There are living centers for elders that allow spouses to share a space, this option is usually not offered to gay or lesbian couples.

Again due to the fact we are marginalized in all facets of our lives, its the weakest members who suffer the most. The members who have no lifeline from the 'haves' to grab hold on until things get better. So, what's the answer? Not to get involved with the back stabbing, to not get drawn into bitch sessions about other parts of our rainbow, to truly find ways to stand together, firm on what is right, what is morally important. We need to start yelling louder at our LGBTQ groups to find ways to protect our more at risk members. More importantly we need to consolidate our civil rights groups into fewer, which I know to be a complete pipe dream, but at the least have them operate in tandem pushing together will accomplish much more than fighting separately.

Come on, lets join hands and hearts and win this fight, yeah?

5 on the fifth

2011-11-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

Howdy y'all! It's photo share time of the month again. After looking at mine, stop on over to Stephen's blog and see all the great photos!

The theme this month is movement, and it took me awhile to come up with some ideas. Enjoy my typically twisted view of the world.

The Chena River flowing slowly thru town.

My car moves me, yeah?

Escaping from the tedious day to day.

I've moved to the moon! Well, no not really, tis only the snow on my mailboxes.

An action shot! Snow doing what it does best, fall!

Snapshots

2011-11-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

I tend to work on TH's last nerve, or thats what he likes to tell people, but I know the truth, he loves it when I tweak him. A few years ago, before he went back to work, cause I dont care what people say, 50 is way to young to retire, TH turned into a real bear to live with. He was grumpy, short tempered, and all the fun had drained out of him. There were many, many days where it was all i could do, not to murder-ize him.

So one day after a partically trying day, I decided to tweak him, and the assault began. I carefully laid a sheet of newspaper between the bed and the bottom sheet. He got into bed, and it kept crinkling every time he moved. He leaped up and ripped the bed apart with a roar. At this point I was thinking, "hmm did I go a bit to far?" Then TH began to laugh so hard tears ran down his face. The next day saw a much more pleasant TH to be with.

Since that night I've put the oddest things on his side of the bed, cheerios, metal washers, pennies, etc. And oddments in his shoes, coat pockets, hats, fingers of his gloves. Adding things to the inside of his gloves didnt go over well, the pennies got stuck in the fingers and he was almost late to his appointment! So, that's a no-go-zone!

Then about 2 years ago he got a job at the local goldmine as a night warehouseman. At first he was happy to head out to a job he loved, then last summer he was worried to leave me alone for 14 hours at a stretch. And while the suicidal thoughts have for the most part fled, he still worries. Years ago one of us ordered something or other, and this wee red dragon came with. Last summer began the hiding of the dragon in unexpected places, it gave me something else to think about, and him a surprise.

We take turns hiding our dragon around where the other will find it. He's been on top of the shower stall with my toothbrush wedged along his back. After a bath, he hid in the ice maker waiting for TH to fill his water bottle for work. He was hanging from the switch on the bedside lamp yesterday for me to find. Today he perched on TH's door handle waiting for him to leave for work. Each time we hid or find our wee dragon, it makes us grin, yes we are really that easy.

TH and I have this running argument about locking my hatch on my car. When he drives my car, the first thing he does is lock it. Then because I'm not expecting it to be locked because I NEVER lock it, I go to open it and about rip my fingers off. GRR! The last time that happened, I told him, "Look! It's my car and a cheap one at that, why would anyone want to steal it? So. Leave. The. Hatch. UNLOCKED!"

Now, I own this pair of pants I dearly love...except for the republican pockets. Why do I call 'em that? Cause they are good for nothing! But really, they have to be the most useless pockets I've seen in a long time. I forgot and put my iphone in the front pocket, and off I go to get my kona coffee for the morning cuppa. Somewhere along the way, I felt my phone evacuate my pocket, sigh. After pulling into my parking spot, I started looking for the phone, to find it wedged under the passenger seat. I put my keys in my pocket, and get into the back seat, and after much wiggling around finally managed to lever my phone out. I locked the doors, and went in to get my coffee. On the way to the car....I realized my keys weren't in my pocket. Ok, no reason to panic, I have loads of pockets. Search, search, search...oh fuck. Hoping that I was the last one to drive the car, I walk around the back and tried the latch.... success!!! It only took me a few moments to work my way into the back seat, to find my keys laying on the floor.

When I woke TH up to go to work, I said to sleepy him, "Well, I just won the argument."

"Huh? We were having an argument?"

"Yup! We were, and I won."

"Baby, I just woke up, what ARE you talking about?"

So, I put the poor dear out of his misery and told him the whole story. Which proves his point, that with it unlocked my car is easily gotten into. But today, it saved my butt, cause we dont have a phone in our bedroom, I would have had to call a taxi to get me home....but then no way in, and you cant hear the doorbell from our bedroom.... so yeah.

Oh yeah, hopefully I've learned my lesson about putting things in those front pockets!

down but not out

2011-10-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

not long after my last post, TH came home with a fever, cough and sneezes loud enough to wake the neighbors. usually i dont catch things, so i'm a great nurse that way. TH managed to recover in a about 6 days, normal path for a virus, and was back up running again. but whatever killer virus he brought home about laid me out. i'd get better for a few days, and then wake up feverish and sick again. but i've felt better now for about 4 days, so i'm hoping that my feet are firmly on the path of health. today for the first time in ages managed to walk on our treadmill. what a joke that was. took me 6 minutes to walk 0.11! but at least im walking again after endless days marooned in bed or the sofa.

now if only this good health continues!

Illumination

2011-10-15T03:36:00.000-07:00

Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain. —Helen Keller

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down. —Mary Pickford

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. -Friedrich Nietzsche

The Diabolical Dichotomy Net

2011-10-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

I hate her!

HATE HATE HATE HATE HER

but without her i wouldn't have my family

and i seemingly love them more than i do myself

i'm torn to shreds inside

i cant be who i am

   caught like a fish in a net
                          unable to find a way

to be    whole / not fractured

psyche super glue is required

Mechanized machines of death

2011-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

When my friend....ok this is awkward so we shall give my friend a nom de plume....lets call him....Steve! Ok, so when Steve found out that I've never ridden a roller coaster that was placed on the menu of things that HAD to be accomplished while visiting. I was game because coasters go fast, my favorite thing almost ever. As we walked from the parking lot, I was noticing just how high some of these coasters were......a sinking feeling started to build within my stomach, because your loyal blogger is petrified of heights. I tend to walk up very slowly up to hand rails that loom over several story drops, and the only ladder I'll happily climb is a 6 foot model. Silly me I hadn't realized they were quite so tall.

Now, I made it quite clear that I needed to start slow and easy on this adventure. After Steve spent some time looking at the map o' fun he determined that the best ride would be one called Mind Bender. I looked at it with some apprehension, however he's been riding coasters for 30 years, so I bowed to his greater knowledge and got ready for my first coaster experience. About half way up the climb to the top, I started to panic a bit at how high up we were going, so I became very interested in the mans nape in front of me, chanting my worn out mantra, "don't look down, don't look down...." and just as I was beginning to think, oh this isnt so bad, the world dropped out from under me. I was terrified from that point on, and I never knew that terror could keep growing ever larger, but mine sure did! When thankfully the ride came to a halt, about 100 million years later, I was a shaking leaf of a person. I shook and quivered and have to admit that I required a long long long hug to be able to move again.

So, we walked around the park, Steve got on other coasters, I quite happily sat and people watched. Then the brain started kicking in, oh my stupid, stupid brain!, "hmm, maybe it was the loops that were the worst bit of the ride, and maybe just maybe a non-looping ride would be ok??"

"Hey Steve! Is there any coasters that don't loop? I think that's what scared me."

"Well, yeah! We could ride the Georgia Cyclone!"

"There's NO loops, right?" I gave Steve a hard, hard look, cause he's a bit of a trickster.

"NO! This is a replica of the one from Coney Island...." And truth to be told at that point of the story I kinda zoned out. So, off we trekked to the Cyclone. Only to be terrified by this ride as well. Ok, tis a potent combination of both drops and loops that scare me colorless, the drops alone are only slightly less terrifying, no shaking like a leaf after this ride, but still a ride that was horribly scary.

More walking about the park, more watching and blanching at the rides Steve happily rode and making the FIRM decision to NEVER EVER RIDE A COASTER AGAIN!, we came to Bugs Bunny Land. Oh, the land of the Loony Tunes! Fun, and there a coaster sat, gleaming in the afternoon sun. I begin to think....."tis Loony Tunes! For wee kids! How bad could it be?"

"Um, Steve? Could we ride this one?"

"Sure! This one is fun! OH..... I suppose we should have started here...."

Standing in line for a little kids ride made me feel quite silly and overly large, but pfft! At that point ask me if I cared. All I was worried about that I would once again be scared stupid. The cars came to a stop and we got ready to ride the Wile E. Coyote Canyon Blaster.

I LOVED this ride! Rode it twice! Would have ridden this ride all day, and loved every single moment of it. It turns out that in the world of coasters? Yeah, I'm like 7.

5 on the fifth

2011-10-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yup folks its that time of the month again, yippee!! So after getting a gander of my pictures wander on over to Stephen's blog and say "hi!" and look at all the other eye candy. And without further ado...here we go!

The theme by the by is "pleasure", and my first thought was not "G" rated, but after a bit of thought came up with these pictures.

Seeing an Apollo capsule, in real life, whoa that gave the geek boy in me a huge jolt of pleasure. I wanted to touch it so very badly, but was good and didn't. sigh

Din-o-saurs!!! Need I say more!

Bristle Combs! Went to an aquarium in Chattanooga while down in the Atlanta area, and saw all manner of creatures. These however are a special favorite of mine. At one time I thought about becoming a marine biologist, but wee babies kept me in dry dock.

The Black Keys in concert! Let me tell you they ripped it up! As you can see, I wasn't all bowed up near the stage. It was hot and muggy and this Alaskan isn't used to the heat nor the crowds, so no go. If you are wondering why there is a fence between us? Its cause TH bought VIP tickets, so there were seats, and air conditioned bathrooms, and really yummy free food! The fence is to keep the rabble out ya know! LOL

Is there any better pleasure than spending time with really wonderful friends? If there is, I sure don't know what it would be. This is my friend's back garden at night, what a perfect evening it was. A warm beautiful night, the air was scented with the perfume of the garden, and peaceful, happy companionship.

And there you have a mini snapshot of my trip to Atlanta.

Hazy Shade of Winter

2011-09-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, the leaves have defected from their tree homes.

The dragons are hatching out, they are rather cute when they are tiny, yeah?

End of growing season is a sad time of the year for me, I'm a farmer at heart I suppose.

After picking all of those tomatoes, something had to be done with them! So, I made relish. It's a rummage sort of thing, as it contains loads of things; green and red tomatoes, sweet peppers, onion, cabbage and celery. Full of summer sunshine, warm breezes and bright blue skies.

I leave Alaska in a little over 1.5 hours! Couldn't be more excited if I tried. Ever seen a 6 year old full of sugar? Yeah, that's where I'm at! Full of excitement! One of the bands playing at the music fest in Atlanta is 'The Constellations'. Their music reminds me of hot summer nights, flying down the highway, good friends filling the seats, the windows are all down, trailing the music behind us as we head into tomorrow and a breakfast at a local diner.

I.P.V.

2011-09-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

Intimate Partner Violence

Partner abuse comes slipping into the relationship quietly. The abuse slowly ebbs and flows over a period of time, until one day you realize you are neck deep in an abusive situation. A sharp word here, a put down there, a slow eroding of you, that begins without notice but carries on until you doubt your own worth, or that you do deserve to be treated with kindness and consideration.

Partner abuse is something as common in gay, bi, and lesbian relationships as it is in the straight world, but it's largely ignored in the glbt communities. We need to start talking about it, need to fill the gaps our knowledge that, yes, this occurs, and, hopefully, as marriage equality spreads through our country, the police and court systems will finally catch up. It's taken them quite a bit to catch up to men being abused by their wives, but better late than never, yeah?

An abuser is an abuser, no matter what the relationship looks like: m/f, f/f, m/m, or trans/partner. It seems that partner abuse has very few differences from the straight world to the glbt world. The only big difference is the potential threat of being outed, should the partner being abused seek help. Often that is one of the threats the abuser will use against you. "I'll tell your (parents, work, etc)". And so you stay, for more eroding of your self confidence, more bruises, and a continuing downward spiral of isolation from family and friends.

Emotional abuse means that your needs are never an important consideration, ever. He always comes first: his wants, his desires, him, him, him. He's always too busy, too tired, too broke, needs money for something he needs right this minute, etc.; you will just have to wait for him to be not be busy, tired, broke etc, etc, in other words, you will be in waiting in line, for it to be your turn for the rest of your life.

He tells you how lucky you are that he stays with you. You're unworthy of love and affection; he is doing you a favor by staying. After a while, you begin to believe him; you are so lucky he stays with worthless you.

"You're not really going to wear that, are you? You need to lose weight, get something done with what passes for hair, get some sun, shave/grow appropriate body hair, etc, etc."

It's a constant run down on your looks and what you wear. Of course, some of your "flaws" are things that aren't fixable, like the fact your hair is defecting from the kingdom of your head. So, you go on a diet, pour lotions and potions on your head, tan, gain weight, etc.; anything to please him and hope for some kind words.

He cuts you down in front of his friends, his family, your family, anyone, and everyone. He tells you, and anyone that will listen, how stupid you are. He blows normal mistakes into huge stories that make you appear a complete buffoon. Until you get to the point where you are afraid to open your mouth, voice an opinion, or want to visit with your family and any friends you still have left. At that moment in time, he has won, he now has a slave that will never tell him no. Emotional abuse is hardest to get past. The self doubt that was planted into you, will never fully be weeded from you. It takes constant weed whacking to believe that you do deserve better, you are worthy of a loving relationship, your needs do matter, they don't need to come last, you may take a turn at being first in line!

Sexual abuse is never about sex, but about power, the taking of it. Forcing you to engage in sexual acts you aren't comfortable doing, forcing you to have sex period, is abusive. With holding sex can also be a part of the abuse cycle, but that is usually hand cuffed to physical put downs as to why he wont have sex with you. It doesn't matter one nano gram at all if you begin the sexual encounter being a willing partner, only to later changing your mind. You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to say NO! at any point during sex. If he tells you "I was to worked up to quit!" Well then, he is no better than an animal, yeah? Sex is about giving and sharing, not taking and forcing. For the vast majority of us, sex isn't about causing pain in our partners, isn't forcing them to do something they don't want to do. However, having said that, we need to contrast abusive sex with BDSM, which are two completely different animals. Because at the bottom of a BDSM relationship is trust, safe words and most importantly, this is something that both partners want, they know each others limits, and just how far they want and can be pushed; which is not what sexual abuse is like at all.

Physical abuse starts with a slap, and apology and then a "honeymoon" period. As time flows by however the physical abuse ramps up, the honeymoon periods shorten, and it takes less and less for him to strike you, and the physical abuse gets more and more intense, doing ever greater damage. You can't muck about with this, you need to get out and now.

Leaving is often when it becomes very dangerous to your life. No matter how badly you have been beaten before, after you leave is when his rage becomes unhinged. Before you leave, you need to do some ground work first, you need an exit plan, and it has to be fool proof. If you can't get any relief from the police/courts, then its going to be all up to you as to how to get out safely and stay alive. It might take you a few weeks, a month or so to get your ducks lined up, but take the time to do so. The only way to flee without a safety net, is if you fear for your life Now! Then by all means RUN RUN RUN! Don't wait to pack anything, just flee for your life. Everything is replaceable except you. There are shelters out there for men, and many will take in GLBT. If you live in a very small community where there are no shelters for anyone except women, then you are going to need to get creative at a point in your life when your creative jug is empty. If nothing else, drive as far as you are able to, and stay in a hotel, do not stay local, get as much distance between you and him.

Your family members. Speaking as a mother, no matter how long its been since you've been able to be with them, they will most likely take you in. Don't call ahead, just show up. If they are the closed minded sort who when you came out to them they threw you away, give them a second chance. They might hate the fact that they lost you, but didn't want to lose "face" by trying to contact you again. And lets be honest, if you're not out to them and you are over the age of 30, and have had male "room mates" since you left home/college, believe me they know. Take a chance and go to them, give them a chance to be a wonderful parent. If that door is firmly closed? Then try your friends, yes the ones who no longer call you, because he pushed them out of your life. We are talking life or death here, only the most callus of people would turn you away in your time of need.

Resources: If you know of others in your area, please add them to the comment section.

For USA http://gmdvp.org/

       and              http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm

New York City   http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/issues/lesbian.shtml

Massachusetts http://www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_srv_services_vrp_Resources

Los Angles    http://www.lagaycenter.org/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_DV_Family_Violence_Partner_Abuse

North Carolina http://www.projectrainbownet.org/resources.html

For Canadians http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/

For Australians http://www.anothercloset.com.au

International resource list   http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=3

If you are a woman, and are facing domestic violence, please understand I don't think lightly of your plight, only that there are very few resources for battered men and even less available for gay men. People "get" that women are all to often victims of IPV, but less likely to think men can be and are victims of people they love.

five on the fifth

2011-09-05T03:07:00.000-07:00

Hello all! Its that special time of the month again! Yup yup! Stephen's 5 on the 5th! This month's theme is MESS. Some of these are a stretch to fit the theme, but hey! Tis me, and if anything, I'm known as a rule stretcher. So, without further ado....

A "mess" of tomatoes that I picked off of one of our tomato plants yesterday. To tell ya all the truth, shocked is the best word to describe my feelings of growing such a bumper crop of tomatoes here, in Alaska without a green house!

A "mess" of leeks. I thought it was odd how they all lined up on the knife that way. I'd never seen them do that, and since my phone is always in my pocket, it was quick work to snap a pic. Of course what you're not seeing is all the pictures that have made a permanent home in the digital trash can.

A "mess" of pine cone litter on the forest floor. I've never seen such a deep carpet of pine cone litter under a tree before this. There must be a entire village of squirrels that live in this area. And yeah, those little tree rats are cute....when they aren't ripping the insulation outta my roof!

I climbed over a barrier and slid down some slippery rocks to snap this pic....sigh only to find out after we were miles away that I had shook my hipstamatic and didnt notice. Now depending on how you look at it the app has a feature that's either cool, or pain in the ass, when the iphone is shook, it changes the "lens" and the "film". Which is all cool cool cool, unless you dont freaking notice! So, I'm looking at my pictures, and get to this group that I worked so hard to get to, and sigh....they are all black and white! Insert many filthy words! Since I was unhappy with it, I decided to run them thru yet a diff app called Tiltshiftgen. And this is what I got out of a "mess" of a picture, kinda a cool mess.

A "mess" of sap. What caused this leakage of sap, was a grizzly biting the tree. Ya know how a dog will pee on something to mark his territory? Well grizzly's do it by biting a tree, as high up as they can reach. Hey! Would you like to see the bite? Ok, well its not one of the 5, but a necessary extra, yeah?

This bite mark is about 8-ish feet off the ground. That gives you some idea of just how big this bear is. If ya look closely you'll see the tooth gouges on the trunk. I don't know about y'all, but a bear this size sure isn't something I'm looking forward to running across out and about in the woods!

Ok, had fun? Coolness! Now head on over to Stephen's blog say hi, and lookie loo at all of the other nice bloggers pictures.

Gandhi Thoughs

2011-08-30T03:31:00.000-07:00

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win."
Mahatma Gandhi

If Mahatma is correct, and this is indeed the path one has to travel to win against an oppressor, lgb are almost at the finish line. By my best guess we are in the "they fight you" turn. I think we have turned the corner from the ridicule portion of the program. Why? Well, really when was the last time you heard anything different from the right? Yeah, me either. The last few years, its all been recycled stuff. Oh, look at how good earth stewards the right are, they are recycling even their shit.

Walking Gandhi's path of non-violence has been a hallmark of glbt. Every violent encounter has been met with passive resistance. It's been the glbt that has been on the end of bats, fists and death, not the straights. Even though we were denied access to the hall of civil rights, we never thought of burning it down.

I dont know if you noticed the absence of the "t" at the end of glbt in the first paragraph. Yeah, while there is light at the end of the tunnel for gays, lesbians and bi's, trans folk are still stumbling along in the dark. While there is an "ick" factor for many straight's when they think of same sex people enjoying sex, it doesnt even come close to how many people feel about trans folk.

I've given the "ick" factor about trans people a great deal of thought. I think what bothers most people is the mutilation of the body that many trans folk under go to allign their inner selves with their outer shell. The idea of cutting off penises, testicles, or breasts is a vision for cis people that is akin to a horror movie. But to trans these body parts mean nothing, only a hindrance to be able to be seen as who we truly are.

Lately the label of trans is pinching me. Why? Because if you want to talk to a group of people who are totally wedded to gender norms, haul up a chair at any gathering of trans. The transwomen really are cruel to the T-ladies who no matter what, will never ever pass. They give each other shit for leaving the house without make-up on, or not dressed up, their hair not styled, their nails not done. And before you sit and shake your head thinking, "Well of course they are like that, they are women after all", there is more to it than that. Transmen are just as bad at judging each other. The worst thing in the transman world is to be femme. T-men have to be uber macho, have large muscles, have some righteous ink, and never flip a wrist, or forget and cross their legs. To be a femme T-man is to be ridiculed, and to be honest after all these years living as a woman, there is no way I could ever be a totally masculine guy if I transistioned. I could pass as male, but never as anything but a femme gay guy. And while I'm ok with that, it leaves me out of the loop in the T-man world.

While attending the conference this last January was liberating on many fronts, it also illuminated that this was yet another area where I didnt fit in totally. I was met with odd expressions, and was asked several times, "What or who I thought I was" Now this really took me aback. I was being asked what I was at a trans conference? One of the T-men I met told me later that he uses me as an example of "there is more than one way to be trans." Isn't that the saddest thing ever? To have to hold up someone else as an example to defend who you are, not to the straights, but to other transmen, is beyond ridiculous.

So what label am I looking at now? Well, I could fall back onto my original label of androgynous. Or, I'm toying with genderqueer. They seem to be a more fluid group. I belong to a yahoo group for genderqueer, and many of these people are living my life, having the same problems finding a way to express their true selves without being pigeonholed as one sex or another, which is something that is becoming more and more important to me. There is no way to keep my current life with TH and my boys if I trade out my girl shell for a boy one. And I'm ok with that. Just not comfortable being squashed and twisted so as I can fit into the box labeled female. I'm sick and tired of living my life in a labeled box. What I want to be is.........ME. Damn the labels. So the Gandhi quote at the start of this applies to this gender and label journey I've been on. I've won against my own self war, I'm fuck all tired of walking that path, and am going to strike out on my own, forging my own path. If ya wanna, you are most welcome to come with.*

*if you're from the midwest, that last sentence is a complete sentence, yeah it really is.

OMG NO!

2011-08-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

It can't be the beginning of fall! It just can't be. Sigh, winter's cold blue breath will be knocking blowing down my neck before I know it.

Yes, yes I know. Winter follows summer. What? I forgot fall in there? Well, the deal is that our bridging seasons, spring and fall, are usually micro mini short. I've seen 14 inches of snow in the middle of September, and no it didn't melt off.

Our summers are so short we don't even have a chance to get bored. Or too hot. It's been in the low 60's for almost 2 weeks. The nights in the high 40's.

There is one bright spot though! I got my b'day wish! I'm a going to Atlanta to the musicfest. Whoo-hoo!! Can't. Wait. For. September.

Our Anniversary

2011-08-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

Our anniversary...hmm well it depends on who you ask, as to what answer you'll get. If you ask TH, then you'll hear the date of the day we married. Ask me, and you'll get the day we met. Yeah, time challanged me, remembers THAT date. Saint Paddy's day. When we locked eyes with each other, it was as if the world stopped spinning, time itself held her breath. For someone who didnt even believe in love, lust hellz yeah, love pfff no! Falling into love between one breath and the next, blew my windows out. Slowly, step by step I learned what it felt like to be cherished, to be wanted, and that love, real love isnt laced with fists, cutting words, or the hot end of an iron. Yeah, life wasnt pleasant growing up with my female parent.

We have been married now for 33 years. Whoa, what a huge ass number of years! And while it hasn't all been perfect, it's been an unbelievable ride of companionship, affection, love, lust, and support. I mean really, how many "women" could tell their husbands they are guys inside, and still have them around a year later? Most of TH's friends all told him to leave me. Or at the very least get drunk, and screw every female around. We both have a different view of monogamy, we have both offered each other the ability to go and have sex with others, something that so far hasnt been followed up on. However, it's always on the table. We came to this after I stepped out on TH in a very dark era of our marriage. Me having sex with someone else, woke him up as to how unhappy I was with him. Before that? Yeah, he totally didnt get what his attitude during that time period, was doing to me, to us. The "infidelity" wasn't even an issue, it was what brought me to that point. So in a weird ass way, me having sex with someone else, saved our marriage.

This weekend was spent opening our hearts to each other, something that we had stopped doing for fear of hurting each other, fear of breaking our bond for good and all. This past year hasnt been kind to our marriage at all. This past year was a mine field of hurt feelings, mixed signals, and not knowing how to help each other over the mud puddles. The hard questions were asked, and openly answered, no hedging, no softening the answers, but the boldly lit truth. We talked about sex, and the lack of it in this past year, and I think we are to the point again where the energy should start flowing again. Fantasy's were discussed, and when TH asked me mine, I told him he already knows my fantasy. When he realized what my fantasy is, to be a flesh and blood guy, he looked sad, but agreed with me that transitioning would be hard on my relationship with our sons. Losing TH is still beyond my ability to grasp what shape my life would take without him in it. He isnt able at this point in time to be with a guy, sexually or emotionally, and I totally get that.

So our marriage has again weathered a storm, battered but very intact. TH and I are in this for the long haul it seems. How we managed to find each other in a sea of others is beyond me. We fill each others needs, we are more together than we are separate.

Summer!

2011-08-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

I was a wee bit surprised by the comments on my last post about how green it is here. Summer is fleetingly short, but its a very intense summer. No, not temp wise, at least compared to most places. However the interior does record the highest temps each summer, ....and sigh the coldest winter temps.

I love to grow food. Not really all about growing flowers, I love to look at 'em, but meh about growing them. I suppose at heart, I'm a farmer. This spring we built two earthtainers, I haven't grown anything in a few years, and was really feeling the lack. We bought 2 tomato plants and 2 cucumber plants. As of today, this is what they look like.

A close up of some of the tomatoes.

Some of them that were picked today. Not all of them in the above picture were ready yet, some were hidden under the dense foliage.

A view up into the air. I love, love, love trees. The sound of the wind ruffling their leaves. The dappled shadows they draw upon our mundane earth bound life.

And Daniel and Newleaf are right, most of Alaska is riddled with mosquitoes. Any shady place, any damp area are filled with the wee little blood suckers, unless there is a nice breeze blowing, you are either spraying the bug dope, or waving your arms like a fool. This pic was snapped on the RUN! due to the kamikaze brigades of voracious mosquitoes. Which for some unknown reason is our state insect. Could it be one needs a highly developed sense of sarcasm to live happily in our state?

TH went fishing for king salmon down on the Kenai River. These last few pictures are courteous of him. This is really the color of the water, no optic tricks here. Its glacier fed, and is beyond beautiful in real life.

A nice little moose family by the river.

Hope you enjoyed seeing a bit of our fabulous summer! Now, I'm off to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes, yummi! Then for afters local made ice cream from Hot Licks. To top the day off, we are going to the late show for Cowboys and Aliens. I've heard uneven things about this movie. But I mean come on! Aliens??? WITH cowboys? Hot cute guys on horses, what's not to like?

See ya all laters!

5 on the Fifth

2011-08-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

The theme this month is My Town. After looking around our town, I decided to go in a slightly different direction, and just post pictures from two places in town. One is a a refuge for migratory waterfowl, and the other an outdoor museum park.

Clickity to embiggen.

A bit of info about the "line" as it was locally known.

Party, Party, and Party Again!

2011-08-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Y'all!

Well, since the last update I've clicked a new number on my personal calendar. Yup! Your's truly has reached a new milepost, age wise. And I'm way time challenged, I thought I was a year older than I am! LOL yup yup, I'm really that clueless. For some reason, I've never really cared how old I am, like never.

On the actual b'day I had dinner out with my sis in law. Yesterday, b'day part II occurred with dinner out with my friend from the video store. Tonight is b'day supper with TH. Even tho I'm a total nerd, I'd LOVE it if the apple Apple pie was my b'day cake, for two reasons. One, I despise cake, no really I do! And two, tis an apple APPLE pie. Apple pie is my fav, and then add on the fact its an APPLE pie...sigh perfect, just totally perfect...

If I can get my buddy to go with, this is what I've asked for gift wise. I sure hope he'll go!!!

hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Each year on my b'day I take stock of the year past, to see if it was a year of treading water, or more successful, this is personal wise. The take on this past year? I think it will go into the successful column. The family front is still fractured due to eldest, who by the by DIDNT call me on my b'day, but I still firmly have a good relationship with the two youngest. 3rd son, has moved outside for work, and his wife moved out to get her PH.D.

Personally though, I feel ever so much stronger. I no longer have suicidal thoughts, which can only be considered a good thing indeed. I'm beginning to find how to blend the inner male me with the outer girl me. My blend seems to be rather androgynous, bits and pieces of both. So, I'll wear my leather beaded bracelets with my guy shirts and my skull tennis shoes. Some from column a, some from column b, which adds up to me. I weathered the girl clothing just fine for the wedding, with only a bit of personal fraying. But when I would feel my true self start to fade, I would walk to somewhere. Why? Because I no longer walk feminine, I use wider larger strides, bolder as TH says, and after a few steps whew!, I was firmly back, back, back.

I've become more relaxed with my status of a guy. No longer do I cringe with fear that someone will find out. Nor do I want to tell one and all who I am. When I have someone important to me that I want to KNOW the real true me, then I tell them. Do I still have a hateful relationship with the body? yeah...a bit....yeah. The thing that bothers me the most is my breasts, which seems to be an issue for most of us f2m's. Because really thats the first thing that one thinks of when one hears the word "female". How often do you check out the chest on a person you're not totally clear on if they are male or female. Yeah... Do I still crave, desire a male body, oh hellz shit yeah. But, I'm beginning to learn how to be me within this body, and of late doing pretty good i think!

I wanna do a shout out a HUGE mega thank you to Jay for my b'day card! Hugs and kissies to you my friend!

Bad Dog No Biscuits!

2011-08-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

"Mom? Would you mind watching Kobe while we are in Hawaii on our honeymoon?"

"I'd love to watch him! He's such a little sweetie pie!"

Ahh, the "joy" of living with a 100lbs, 9 months old, untrained puppy. Sigh....yeah.... lack of sleep for me, the mass destruction of our stuff, and the sweetest dog when he wants to be.

This is Kobe, also known as, "NO! DAMNED DOG, DROP IT!" Doesn't he have the sweetest face?

While out one day, I bought a game for hubby and I to play, Labyrinth the Duel I unpacked the pieces left the box lid on the back of the sofa for just a second while I ran to the bathroom. And this is what I came back to. Yeah, I mended it with tape, but really I couldnt have been gone more than 2 minutes.

Yesterday I was doing dishes, and realized that someone wasnt laying on the floor in the kitchen. Oh..no.....and there he laid on the floor pleased as punch with himself chewing up TH's favorite hat. While there is only a small hole in the front, the closure in the back is gone, gone, gone.

Remember the high school graduation we attended in May? Well, that little sweetie made me a pillow one year for Christmas. Yup, you guessed it he snagged it off the sofa while I was cooking supper, and was happily chewing his way thru it. It and the other throw pillows, my emergency sweatshirt, are now under lock and key in the downstairs bath.

Yup, thats the guts of the above pillow, and the wee black bits? Thats the closure of TH's hat. Yes, before I could even get the pieces of the hat cleaned up, he had destroyed the pillow.

The new home of the garbage can. Thats the only place out of his reach. We had the trash in the bathroom for a while, but talk about a pain to keep having to walk to the bath to toss the trash.

The bride and groom come home tonight, and Kobe will be going to the airport with me, and then home with them, and boy howdy will I miss him. I mean really what a sweet boy he is!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
If you are wondering where I got the title from, tis a song from the "Cowboy Bebop" anime. Written by the wondrously talented Yoko Kanno. Here is the song...enjoy!

Whew! What a whirl

2011-07-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all!

Sorry I've been gone so long, but things have kinda piled up on me. I was running on around 2-4 hours a sleep each night during the build up to the three big nights and I think it just caught up to me. Been under the weather, we are puppy sitting, whom I'm allergic to, and now! have a tooth abscess, sigh....

So, will attempt to do some sort of run down on the week.

The cooking was exhausting, but everything came out wonderful! I ended up only making 2 types of cookies, and we bought a cake, that hadnt been cut by the end of the evening. On the journey of preparing all of that food, I learned several things:
1. to Never trust food allotments one finds on the web. I had acres to much food! An impressively large amount of leftovers actually. TH took them to work for his co-workers to enjoy.
2. when making potato salad, never boil the potatoes, but STEAM them! Not only do the potatoes come out tasting much better, but is ever so much easier. No large vats of water to lug around, no pouring of boiling water, just fill up the bamboo steamer stick it on the pan of water and steam away, and in a short 14 minutes, your potatoes are perfectly done. They seem to cool quicker and to my mind at least, absorb the flavors better.
3. a food processor makes short work of the slicing and shredding and I was a FOOL for not having one before this. a total and complete id1ot!

I didnt get a very good picture to share with y'all, sorry about that. The rest of 'em all have people in them. But those are SOME of the containers of food. I had another one of slaw and one more of broccoli salad.

So, the morning of the bridal shower I wake up to realize that I have mucked about so long trying to decide what to wear, that I have nothing to wear! eep! I have already decided not to wear a dress. My sister in law and I were the only two who didnt wear a dress, but it wasn't commented on, at least to our faces. I rush into the sewing room, and pull out my meager stash of fabric. Last summer I bought some printed knit material, its soft and lightweight, it would look nice with a pair of white pants. I look thru all of my patterns...holy ants and cats! Those would all take forever to make! Ok, time for a Project Runway Moment, I re-purposed a chinese coat pattern front, and bam!, I had the top done in a little over 2 hours. The top is very comfortable to wear, cool on our "hot" days. I've already worn it three times!

I dithered around so long, I never could decide on what top to make so I ended up wearing the skirt I made, a white sweater, and a teal top. I looked ok, not great, way out of the league of most of the people who attended. However, my clothing was so simple and for the most part, comfortable enough for me to ignore it most of the time. Here's a picture of the skirt, which wasnt hemmed when I took the picture.

Without a doubt, this was the best wedding I've ever attended. Why? Because the bride and groom GLOWED with happiness throughout the entire ceremony, and into the reception. The best man, youngest did a great job with his speech. He brought tears to everyone's eyes with his story. Bride looked beautiful in her dress, dancing with her dad. I didnt recognize the song they danced to, it was a country song. For the song 3rd son and I danced to, was one we fell in love with on a family vacation to Hawaii.

What a week this will be!

2011-07-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Howdy all!

So this is the run up week to 3rd son's wedding, and what a week this should prove to be. Yesterday in a moment of mental clarity I decided what i needed was a to-do list broken up into days. After working on my schedule, and my list of things to buy, my mountain of responsibilities seems even larger. Silly me, I thought the writing of the list, would reduce my trepidation about the coming week, but nope! I had to keep coming back to add stuff to my list, sigh....

My skirt is finished, except for hemming. Next up is the top. And i still need something to wear for the bridal shower. The invitation stated to come in a summer dress. So, I guess I'll have to whip one of those up as well. I have a half done t-shirt that I didnt like how it fit, and some fabric that after I got it home I didnt like. Surprisingly the two go well together, and it shouldnt take long to morph the items into a quick dress. Gah! I cant believe I have to wear two different dresses, within the space of 3 days!!!

I need to finish up the sewing by Monday at the latest. That way I can be clear for the big push towards the groom's supper. Now where I grew up, if there were loads of people traveling for a wedding the rehearsal dinner was changed to a groom's supper and the out of town guests were invited. What with the bridal party and out of town guests we are looking at close to 50 people. The groom's family are in charge of the rehearsal dinner. 3rd son and wife to be want a barbeque which is fine fine by me. But lordy lordy that's a load of food to have to prepare! If you are wondering why I just dont buy the food ready made, its because silly me is allergic to fake food ingredients. So all of those ingredients that read like a chemistry experiment is what makes me ill. I would like to be able to eat more than just a burger and chips, ya know?

Here's the menu:
burgers, hot dogs, chicken breast fillets in teriyaki sauce, cole slaw, potato salad, broccoli salad, chips, and cookies for dessert. I'm making chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies, and washboard cookies.

Last week I purchased my first food processor and took it out for a test spin. Made cole slaw, and damn if it didnt take me longer to peel the carrots and core the cabbage! Trying to decide on if i should just buy potato salad, or make it. I decided to experiment with the cooking of the potatoes, because honestly thats the time intensive part. I filled my bamboo steamer with the cut potatoes and steamed them for 20 minutes. The texture was perfect, and it was almost effortless. No mucking about with large vats of water, filling waiting for it to heat, boiling, draining, refilling vat....etc etc etc. All that will need to be done is to top off the water in the skillet between batches and toss the cooked potatoes out, and toss the raw ones in.

Wednesday is cookie day. Also up is cooking all the bacon that goes into broccoli salad, which will ease up...
Thursday....ahh sweet sweet Thursday. Cole slaw, broccoli salad, and potato salad. And for an extra special kick, the bridal shower. I'm trying to keep an open mind about the shower. But I usually dont fit in well at these functions. Hopefully after a bit I can ignore my dress and relax. I'd like to enjoy this shower, so am trying to stay positive about it all.
Friday will be a day of last minute darting about. The rehearsal is at 4 pm. Then on to the barbeque.
Saturday afternoon is the wedding.
Sunday will find us used up, wore out and much much poorer. The dinner at after the wedding was paid for by us, and for the prices per person I'm not sure why we arent eating larks tongues off of gold plates. But whatever, its only money.

Ok, until next week
bye!

update: a loyal reader wanted to know what washboard cookies are. they are very simple to make, but have a complex flavor thing going on. how that works im not sure, but they are tasty!

Washboard Cookies
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar, packed
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon hot water
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups flour

Milx butter, brown sugar and egg. Stir together soda and water, add to egg mixture. Add flour and mix well. Shape into balls. Place on greased cookie sheets, flatten with fork both ways (thats how the cookies got their name) Bake at 325 for 15-20 minutes.

Links of Love by T

2011-07-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all.

I dont know if any of you read Links of Love but if you don't, you should. T is a wonderful person, whose outlook on life is filtered through the lens of love, acceptance and understanding. After my post yesterday, T wrote a post for me on Links of Love. T shone a light on my journey and how it is seen by others in a way I've never thought of before.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Life Should Fit to a T

One of the few things in life we all struggle with is finding who we are and then accepting ourselves. Its not always easy or glorious. It is what it is, a journey of many roads and destinations. One surety along the way is our life needs to fit us to a T, as the old saying goes. For those who are Trans, even more so.

I can't say I understand everything that it means to be Trans but I know it has to be a constant struggle. Being stuck in a body that does not match your sexual identity can be depressing and frustrating. Even more so to those around you who care.

As one begins to be more confident in themselves and sure in who they are it can cause those around us to question themselves. This is probably more so true for the Trans community. I can see a parent, a child, a spouse questioning not only their relationship but themselves. Its not an easy thing to deal with for anyone.

Just as a Trans person struggles to find their identity the ones around them struggle to find theirs. A mother might question how she raised her child. A child might question their relationship, since they see a new person emerging. A spouse may question their own sexuality or relationship.

The reasons may be countless but the struggle is the same. A great upheaval or change is occurring in peoples lives. When you change yourself in life you change how you deal with those around you. You may not realize it but you do. Others see it even if you don't. Maybe not always consciously but they feel it.

When we make changes in life we have to remember those around us. The bigger the change in us the bigger the change in those around us. It may take time for its ripple to impact but it will hit and it will ripple back. Hopefully those in our lives can absorb change and the ripple is love and accepting.

Regardless of outcome our journey does include those around us. So if one of us falters or questions along the way maybe we should stop and take the time to reassure or help them as best we can. If people matter to us then our struggle is their struggle and that is our relationship.

I don't want to say this is a magic answer for things but it is an important step if we want to try and keep special people in our lives. It may not work and the issues may be ultimately to large or personal for someone to accept. Not everyone is strong enough to accept core change in themselves or those around them. But we should know if we change who we are, we change our relationship with those around us.

We may be the same person to ourselves but simply expressing it more outward. The problem is our view of change and that of those around us is usually far different. What may be simple or logical to one may be unfathomable to another.

I wish I had a magic answer but there isn't one. People are people and they have to adjust. Some will bounce back freely and others will never absorb the hit of change. That is true of any relationship in life. But I do believe if we truly try and extend patience and love to those who matter to us we can at least maintain a level of connection if not make it stronger.

With all that I have said one must be ones self. Our journey in life may need camp sites to allow those around us to rest but it it should not stop the journey. Because life should fit you to a T.

Love is Never Wrong

Posted by T at 7/11/2011 01:07:00 AM

Sunset

2011-07-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

I've fallen into discrepancy as to my level of happiness. Life has become a series of still and empty hours interrupted by activities that must be performed, like dinner and laundry, bills etc. When people are around, I liven up only to fall silent when they evaporate.

TH and I have fallen into platonic roomies, and nothing more, and I miss the tight tight closeness we used to enjoy. We had each had our own friends and had separate yet co-joined lives. No matter what was going on, we met back at the end of each day in a joyous meeting of minds and souls. Sex has been a struggle throughout our marriage, TH just cant get past feeling guilty. Where as I am a free spirit when it comes to sex. Sex is like water and air to me, and twice in 6 months is suffocation rations.

TH cant get past the whole "my wife is a guy". He claims he is/has, but he really hasn't. I've been advised by friends to give him more time, and I am. But I'm worried these are our sunset days.

If these are the last gasping days of our union, I'm afraid to look into the vista of tomorrow.

In the dark, whispers echo through my mind. Whispers of body modification, of removing my breasts, going on T.

TH says I walk different, more confident. Larger strides, more aggressively. Not feminine.

Lies, dirty lies I'm telling myself that I can be happy living within a woman's body. Because since that day I turned my back on living as my true self, depression has been my constant friend.

Nothing has changed at all for me. Choosing to live as my true self, I lose TH, choosing TH I lose my inner happiness. But really I feel as though I've lost him, lost us.

fucking no choice at all that works completely

Five on the Fifth

2011-07-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

The theme this month is silver, which I'm interpreting into black and white, sorta kinda, you'll see. And yeah, there are 6 pictures. But after seeing one of my subjects in very close up-ness I thought maybe you'd like to see the entire thing!

A very weathered log on Fox Island.

A drain grate at a historical house in downtown Anchorage. I took many pictures of this, you might be seeing more of this grate in later posts. I fell in Love with this grate. Yes, I know, I'm well odd, but hey you already knew that about me.

The water has a thick and viscous look to it. Shooting water in black and white really changes how it feels.

A signpost at the pipeline viewing station outside of Fairbanks.

An extreme close up of a grill. To let you see what the rest of this gorgeous grill looks like.....

A custom imperial serie CL convertible sedan built in 1932. The CL model was built in limited numbers from 1932-1933 and is regarded by many as the greatest of all Chrysler's. This was snapped at the wonderful auto museum in Fairbanks. You can see the whole car if you visit the link.

Beautiful Seward

2011-06-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

Went to the dentist today for some gum work, so not very chatty today. Honestly though, Seward is like this wee little jewel tucked up against mountains and the sea.

This is the view from my hotel room, lovely yeah?

Hotel lobby. Love those windows! Sure wouldnt want to clean 'em.

Downtown Seward has many "old" buildings. I say "old" because the town was established in 1903, but for Alaska tis old. Oh....see the wee little orange car? Yup! That's mine.

No, I have no idea what I.O.O.F. stands for, and there wasnt any signage to explain it, sure wish there had of been.....

I'm not sure if this was a dock that was damaged in the '64 earthquake or not. I just thought it was picturesque.

Wee little mussels (?) live between the rails of the dock from above. Dinner anyone?

Yeah a hipstamatic pic, couldnt resist.

Kenai Lake on the way out of Seward.

I promise that I'll get caught up on my comments on everyone's blogs, but am so behind the power curve right now you just wouldn't believe it. And now, I'm going to go lie down, my mouth is throbbing. See ya!

The Long and Winding Road

2011-06-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Whew! I'm back and had a terrific time! Best damned vacation I've had in many a long day. What made it so good? Well for starters Newleaf is a great guy, and he has the same talent that I have for making anything, and I do many ANYTHING dirty. We can double entendre like you wouldnt believe.

Looking over my pictures I took of our trip, I couldnt decide what to post, so many...... Alaska is just to photogenic! LOL So, today I'll post pictures of just our trip onboard the Kenai Fjord Tours boat, which left from Seward. I didnt get pictures of some of the sealife. Why? I was to amazed to even remember that I had a camera! And there were times when it was to far out for my point and shoot to pick up. I didnt get a picture of the sea otters, porpoises, the humpback whales, or the fin whales. Yeah, we saw all of those, and more. And here we go!

Our ship pulling into the slip. This ship was very smooth even on choppy water, and amazingly quiet.

Lush islands in Resurrection Bay area.

Harbor seals at rest.

Killer whales!!!! This is the adult male of the pod. Killer whales stay in the pod they are born into their entire lives. When different pods meet up the males will go over and mate with a female and then go back to his mother. This pod was comprised of this whale's mother, his sister, and several of her offspring. He is the only one that got close to the boat. His sister had a new baby that was so tiny! To explain just how big he is, the dorsal fin is 6 feet (1.828 Meters) tall.

Sea Lions. Yeah, I know they are kinda smallish. If you click-ity the pic to embiggen it, you can see them better. Next time I go, I'm going to have a better camera! But let me tell ya, sea lions STENCH! Image a combination of wet dog, cat pee and rotted fish. Whew! As you see we didnt get all that close either. I cant imagine getting closer to those smelly beasts. But still it was cool to see them, and hear them vocalize.

As we got closer to Aialik Glacier the more slush was in the ocean. The temperature dropped several degrees also.

The chunks of ice got bigger as we drew ever nearer Aialik glacier. Mentions of the Titanic were heard from our fellow passengers. We could hear them bump against the hull, a few of them caused the boat to slightly shudder.

The ice continues to get ever larger!

This was a monster iceberg! We passed several of these, causing the passengers to become eerily silent.

Aialik Glacier. It was huge! We saw it calve a few times, but alas I didnt have my camera pointed in the right direction. (wipes tear) When the ice would hit the water it sounded like gun shots. None of the pieces that fell were very large, so we didnt get much in the way of ripples.

I moved away from the glacier side of the boat to let more people have picture access. While standing at the rail, I heard what to me sounded like breakfast time. Then I realized it was the ice making that sound. If you look closely you can see the air "boil" out of the ice. When the snow compresses into ice, the air gets trapped, and when it melts it pops.

If you ever get the chance to visit Alaska, this trip is a must do, no question about it. The scenery, the sea life, and what made it even better, is the running dialog about what we were looking at from the captain. They were informative without being the least bit boring.

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!

2011-06-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Sunday evening Newleaf will be coming into town, for a fun filled week. Its been cooler and rainy, thank heavens, calming most of the forest fires, and letting the crews get a handle and getting a few of them out. While we desperately need rain, I'd like a few days of clear skies so we can see the mountians and whatnot without smoke or clouds getting in our way.

Usually whenever we have guests up, they are squired around by TH due to one reason or another. This is my first time showing someone our lovely state. I'm excited and hope I do a good job so that Newleaf has a great time.

So until next Sunday I'll be away, see ya all next week!

Bye!

Cowboy up

2011-06-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to man up, and wear a dress for both occassions. And yeah, this time the decision sticks. A friend of mine told me to "cowboy up", and that's what I'm doing.

Also, I want to tell ya all mega thanks, for reading my whining about the whole stupid clothing thing. You've heard the last of the clothing issues from me.

and the fork ran away with the spoon

2011-06-10T03:38:00.000-07:00

Usually I'm a very decisive person. When I have a decision to make, I look at the choices, weigh each option, and then make a decision, done. I've always been that way. I may agonize a bit over the choices, like last summer. The decision that I arrive at might not make me totally happy, however if I feel that to be the best thing to do, that is what I do, end of story. While my decision to never transition hasn't wavered, it's a continuing source of sadness for me. Something that I don't see changing, but really I dont see myself happy with either choice that is available to me.

What is driving me nuts is my lack of being able to make a decision and stick to it on what to wear to the wedding.

A decision is made, a choice is thoroughly thought out and I'm ok with it. But within days, or at times even hours later the desire to attend in that fades completely away.

Truthfully it's all I can think of. Day and night, the question floats around in my head. Options, choices float by, each having a great reason for being there, until I grab one, and then it flares into smoke in my hand, and I'm left with nothing.

Here's my choices as I see them.
1. I wear a dress and make everyone else happy, but not me.
2. I wear a dressy trouser outfit, this choice would make me happier, but not 3rd son.
3. I come as I wish, something rather funky, rather unusual, look like me, but really really stick out like a sore thumb. And feel awkward all night.

After writing this all out? I can see what my major malfunction is. It's who to please, them or me. I'm tired of submersing my needs and desires for others. I fear upsetting the family, as I've been tossed away by my birth family, and am really on thin ice as it is with eldest. I'm tired being discarded by people who claim to love me.

How weary I am though of never being able please me. Always having to please others first, or only. I've been called a "doormat" before by a friend on blogger. While some of my actions could be seen that way, what I think it all boils down to is the fear of being tossed away. TH has always been there for me, never wavered in his devotion to me, and before this winter, I thought that my relationship with my sons was secure as well. If we could pop their females out of the equation then I know where I stand with the boys. Add them in, and the whole game becomes a wild card, a crap shoot, a step into the unknown, and that's where my fear lies.

I never in my wildest dreams thought any thing in the world would come between myself and eldest. We were so damned tight. We were simpatico. On the same page. And possibly that could have been Dil's issue with me, she felt threatened by my presence in Eldest's life and I had to be eliminated.

Which leaves me standing at a fork in the road, whom to please? Them? or Me?

5 on the Fifth

2011-06-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Stephen Chapman of the blog, The State Of The Nation UK runs the 5 on the Fifth bloggerthon each month.

Some how, I managed to fall off of his email list again. Thanks Daniel, for reminding me today is the 5th!

My new game passion, We Rule. Tis a bit like Sim City, but better. Much more free form, something I adore.

A New forest fire! If you are curious about just how much of our state is currently ablaze, clickity . One of the buttons on the site also shows the smoke.

A New-er more improved night sky, due to the forest fires! At least they are good for something, yeah? But I would much rather have dull sunsets, thank you very much!

New baby cucumbers! Yay! I do love growing tasty things to eat!

A fresh New hell. Not only am I expected to wear a dress to the wedding, but now I have to wear one to the bridal shower. So, am thinking of funking up the bridal shower dress, ya know? But we shall see.

Hello! My name is Jim

2011-05-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

Last week I ran into one of those "friends" who are always saying, "Oh! We should get together for lunch soon!" So, I pushed the issue, and suggested meeting for lunch next week. Shocked me to pieces when she "Great!"

Ever since then, the idea to come out to Ginny has been perking around in my brain. And after a few days thought, decided that I would. If she didn't accept me or believe me, it's really no big deal. We only see each other occasionally.

I drove to her office, and she drove to lunch, the food sucked by the way. I'm not a huge fan of this particular Thai restaurant. But anyway. We had been chatting about one thing and another on the ride over, and I'd decided that I would tell her at lunch.

After the flurry of water, menus, talking about what to order, separate plates or shared, we went separate plates. The orders were taken, and then we were alone at the table again.

I took a big breath, held out my hand for her to shake. She took it with a rather quizzical look on her face. And I said, "Hello! My name is Jim*, I'm a guy who lives inside a girl."

She had a load of questions, understandable. But the good thing was she was totally cool with it, and seemed to totally believe me, which is always a worry for trans people. Ginny and TH and I have been friends for quite a long while now, and of course some of her questions centered on how TH felt about my being a guy, and a gay one at that.

The funny thing was that I was totally calm about it all. I wasn't worried nor nervous. Still not completely sure why, only that as time as gone by, I've grown more and more comfortable with being trans. I still have periods of sadness and grief about never being seen as who I am; I really don't foresee that going away either. When I told her about loosing me or loosing TH, she got a sad look on her face, I knew then that she GOT it.

* Jim isn't my real name, yeah?

Music, music and heart strings

2011-05-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

As a one of those rabid Apple fans, I have itunes installed and haven't bought an actual cd for years. Now my only complaint with itunes is that their jrock music is really thin on the ground. They also don't have a large catalog of anime music either. Y'all know I'm a huge fan of jrock (japanese rock), so when I saw that itunes was selling the newest Miyavi cd it was a very very good day indeed! I quickly hit the buy button, and for the most part love love love the album. There are a few of extremely slow songs that I haven't managed to make it all the way through yet. What surprised me is how many of his songs have English words in them. And my favorite song is only in English. I know he loves touring in the States, so he might be trying to get a larger fan base here. I'm hoping the next time he comes here that I can see him.
So, here is my favorite song. I picked the video so you can make out what he's saying. But I don't know why the poster didn't pick a more recent pic of him....shrugs shoulders.

If you are looking for something different to listen to, are past tired of the same cycle of songs that the radio plays in tight rotation, pop on over and visit my good blogger friend Lightning Baltimore. He plays stuff that never ever came close to Billboard must less the top 40. Come with an open mind, and to make things easier for you, check out his tags at the bottom of each post. He is the KING of tagging. But hey! be brave and listen to stuff outside of your comfort zone. He does love comments, even the snarky ones. Because half of my comments are way snarky.

LIGHTNING JUKEBOX

This Sunday, TH and I went to a graduation of a very dear girl. We are her honorary Uncle and Auntie. She's gone fishing with us, loves riding on the ATV with TH, went to the movies, watched loads of cartoons, shared books, baked loads of cookies, and just generally have a wonderful time when ever we are together. When it was her turn for the Rose Ceremony, she surprised us by giving TH and I a rose. We were so moved that she would honor us with a rose. However smarty pants TH, figured that we would be getting a rose from her, but it took me totally by surprise.

If you are unfamiliar with the rose ceremony, its a way for the seniors to show their appreciation to the people that have helped shape their lives. That helped them in some way ease their way through school. That they love. And TH and I kinda fill all of those blanks for her.

Let's all play nice

2011-05-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon, Th (the husband) and I were sitting around chatting with Youngest Son, when the doorbell chimed. TH jumped up to answer the door, it was Eldest Son, DiL (daughter in law) and the grand baby. To say that we were stunned or shocked, would be to mild. How about flabbergasted?

They came in, sat down and pretended that all was rainbows and sunshine. The last time we had seen DiL was Christmas day, what a horror show that day was. Eldest"invited" us over when DiL was gone, for a grand total of 3 times.

Have I mentioned that after months of stiff silence from Eldest, I finally found out what my crime was? Why they turned on me so viciously? Supposedly I was having an affair with Newleaf. Yeah.... like that would happen. Straight people just don't seem to get that opposite sexed people can be friends and nothing more. What I think happened, is that DiL got suspicious, and planted the seed of doubt into my son's head. Who proceeded to call at least 2 of his brothers, spreading the lies further into the family.

TH dug the truth out of Youngest Son, and proceeded to set the record straight. Youngest had questions, and TH answered all of them, as truthfully as possible. And since then Youngest and I have been on good terms. And I'm sure that Youngest had a hand in Eldest and family coming over Sunday. What I think happened is that because TH told Youngest and his GF, it was ever so more believable than it would have been if it had been me that had told them. I'm sure Youngest told Eldest the truth.

Since Sunday afternoon, I've been very unsettled, and depressed. Yesterday it took all of my will power not to get fall down stinking drunk. I stood in the kitchen forever with the opener in one hand and a beer in the other.

I'm floored that we are all supposed to play pretty now and bury all of the hurtful words and actions. Like throwing away our Christmas gifts to the baby.

I'm hurt beyond belief that I'll never hear the words "I'm sorry Mom". I need to hear those words, petty as it may seem. I need to know that they understand how deeply they hurt me. And the damage they inflicted on our family.

There is a part of me that doesn't want Eldest back in my life. Why? Because my time as a closeted person is drawing to a end. I promised TH that I wouldn't physically change anything until after Third Son's wedding, nor would I come out to them. The wedding is in July. The girl suit stays, at least for now, but the closet is going. I don't imagine that Eldest will deal well with me being a guy, getting him back fully into my life only to lose him again later will just be to damned hard. I think Youngest will be ok, and will understand. Third son will have to be told by TH. Second son? While living in Japan, he knew several transsexuals, M2F's and was cool with them, so I'm hoping it will be cool cool with him. And for most of my life he has called me "dude", weird yeah?

Berries and Needles

2011-05-03T01:56:00.000-07:00

My mind runs seriously at 100 mph all day long. While tis very hard for me to get bored, its soo not a good thing for me to be bored. I get reckless or fall into depression. So busy is always the word of the day. Now your definition of the word busy and mine are most likely miles apart. As long as my brain has enough input flowing in to keep it happy, to me that is being busy. My body can be busy, but if my brain finds the activity boring, good things never happen.

As ya all know I'm not a huge tv watcher. However there are shows I adore. River Monsters, and yeah I have a wee "thing" for Jeremy Wade. Not sure what's that all about, but something about him lights me up. Besides the whole "damn I could tap that" with Jeremy going on, the show interests me. I love to fish, and would happily travel the world until the day I crumble into dust. Bizarre Foods is also a fav of mine. And except for the bugs, I would like to think I would try most of what he eats. Most other shows I sit and watch with TH (the husband) kinda bore me, but he wants me to sit and be with him. We really dont get to spend a great deal of time together.

To keep me from driving TH nuts while he watches tv "with" me, I knit. Now most shows I can knit and watch and totally keep up with both. The knitting bleeds off the boredom and keeps TH from throttling me. Since I'm no longer knitting for the grandbaby, I needed to find something else to knit. While I'm happiest dressing in black, I do enjoy brightly colored socks. I found a cool pattern that knits the socks from the toe to the cuff! Oh, I had to give those a try. I had a bit of an issue with the use of two pairs of circular needles at first, but then changed those stupid things out for my trusty double pointed needles and life was good again.

This first picture is the start of the heel. If ya count closely? I have 5, yeah count 'em 5 needles in this one wee sock! However, one of the needles is lazy and is only holding stitches until I need 'em later. The lazy needle is the metal cord you can see peeking out on the top right of the pic.

The finished socks. Not perfect by any means, but for a first pair, I'm happy.

I used to love jam, but since the world has gone to adding other sugars than just plain granulated sugar to jam, it's all to sweet and sticky for me. While ya can buy the made with sugar jam, the price is thru the roof. The idea of paying $8.00 or more for a wee jar of jam is just out and out painful to me. The last time I buzzed the grocery, I picked up the supplies to make the stuff myself. I used to can a great deal. I used to go and help my Grandma "put up" as she termed it, jams, ketchup, tomato sauce and applesauce. We also blanched and froze a ton of veggies each summer. After marrying TH, I started my own garden and began to "put up" stuff for the long cold winters.

Just a bit more than an hour and my strawberry jam was finished and sitting on my cutting board.

If your wondering how much each jar cost? I figured around $4.50 a jar. These jars hold 16 oz. While there is cheaper jam out there, it tastes cheap and to me is unappetizing. I'm thinking about making apple jelly next. I love that on biscuits. If I can find a good apple juice it's a go!

A Mammoth Weekend

2011-04-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

TH (the husband) works a schedule which gives him 4 days off one week, and 3 off the next. And every stupid weekend its usually the same same thing, we do nothing at all. To be honest, there is little of interest to do in our town, that we haven't already done. There is still to much snow on the ground to go for nature walks, and to chilly really to go on long ATV rides, and there you have it. Sigh. So, we sit and read, rent movies and really do nothing on his weekends. Our nerves must have been on edge cause we got into a stupid little tiff, that left both of us shouting at each other! In the middle of the shouting TH said, "Let's go to Anchorage to the mammoth exhibit!" While packing we still found the time to snipe at each other, talk about your multitaskers! Within 15 minutes we were packed and out the door and on our way. The sniping slowly died away, followed by a period of quiet, not the uncomfortable quiet that grates on ones nerves, but a happy comfortable quiet. We chatted about one thing and another on the way to Anchorage, a 6 hour trip.

Snowy weather on the way.

A nice meal in Anchorage.

The Anchorage museum, this building shines and glows on a sunny day, but on this rather gloomy day, it looks gloomy as well.

A mammoth skull. This exhibit was developed by the Chicago Field Museum, and will be touring for the next four years. There was interactive displays and videos, along with the fossils and life size models. What we found interesting though was how many of the fossils in the exhibit were from the University of Alaska Fairbanks, like this one.

These mammoths were huge, giant and unbelievably ginormous. They were 14 feet at the shoulder. The pictures are grainy due to the low light levels.

After enjoying the mammoths, we visited the Alaska Native floor. I would have gotten a better picture, but it wasnt allowed, and the entire time we were there an employee was wandering around.

All in all? It was a great trip. We were gone for 2.5 days, had some great laughs, great meals, and had an all around good time. Our next four day weekend is looming up on us, I'd better start planning yeah?

Strawberry Skies

2011-04-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Getting out the ingredients for the marinade for char siu for steamed buns, I'm digging around in the fridge looking for the hoisin sauce. Rats and Cats! None to be found. Oh well, that is one of the perks of living in town, a grocery store only 6 minutes away. Before when we lived in "hell town" the nearest grocery was 90 minutes one way, quite a trek when you're missing one lone ingredient. Backing out of the car, I noticed that the sun was setting, it was sinking below the low hills, lighting up the sky with the prettiest colors.

Once in the store, I take the short cut through the produce department, when my nose was seduced with the ripe and luscious smell of ripe strawberries. Taking a detour in dairy, I snag a carton of whipping cream, strawberry shortcake I do so love thee! At the last moment, remembering why I was in the store, one jar of hoisin joined the party. Looking at the odd collection of items, wondering if there was any way to marry these three items, I'm a huge fan of the tv show Chopped, and now look at ingredients in an entirely new light as to what I think could/should/would meld well together.

Still wrapped up in the world of food, I'm totally stunned into stillness by the sky. I've never seen a sky quite like this one.

The sponge cake with strawberries and cream came out wonderfully tasty! Usually, I'm not a fan of cake, but this cake was blow my doors off good. After finishing a bowl of it, I transcribed this recipe into my cookbook! Yeah, it was that good.

TH (the husband) and I went out to the Sportsman Show yesterday. We had a lot of fun, looked at stuff, bought some raffle tickets for guns, and fishing trips, saw some friends we hadnt seen in a long time, and I found my birthday gift! A white water raft trip, which includes class V rapids! Oh Hellz Yeah!

While out and about yesterday, I started Operation Dress by walking through the women's department, something I hadn't done since August of last year. I started at the easy end, jeans, and ended up at the dresses and very feminine tops. I stood there, just looking, heart beating fast, before turning away and quickly walking away. This may be harder for me to accomplish than I thought. If I already had a dress, had I kept any of my girl clothing, then maybe come wedding day I could just toss the dress on, and leave the house without looking in the mirror. But finding a dress as well as wearing it? Wow... so my current strategy is to attempt to pretend that I'm on stage as an understudy for a woman, as in "the role of mom of the groom, will now be played by Sam".

Alien Supper

2011-04-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Life has been rather interesting here of late. Loads of drama, and intensively busy moments, interspersed with acres of hanging time. Let's see where to start.......

Ok, first up third son's fiancee's (aka "wife to be") mom was flown to Anchorage from her little village, and placed straight into ICU. Her family was told, get everyone up here quickly we really don't think she will survive this. Third son drove to Anchorage, fiancee flew, and we were left babysitting their 5 month old puppy. I had forgotten how much work was involved with a puppy around. Between keeping him out of things, taking stuff outta his mouth, playing with him, and all the inning and outting a puppy has to do, there was little free time, or so it seemed at the time. Also compounding this was our sleep schedules were wildly different. Puppy goes to bed early, around 9-10 pm, and my sleepy time is around 2-3 am. He is ready to meet the day around 7 am! OMG! After only a few hours of sleep, there is no way I'm ready to play, especially at 7 am! Yikes! Thankfully, her mom is healing and the outlook is good for her making an almost total recovery.

Fiancee sweetly asked me this last Sunday if I had picked out my dress for the wedding yet. So, it looks as though I'm wearing a dress after all. Am I happy about it? No. Will I do it to make her and third son's day happy and stress free? Yes! I've become much more comfortable in my own skin lately, and am finding the triggers that upset me and cause me to lose my edges. I'm afraid that seeing myself in a dress, the most feminine article of clothing, will knock me off balance, and erase months of hard work.

After the puppy left, I realized just how bored I've been. So after casting around, have decided to attend our local uni starting this fall. Not really looking for a degree, and all of my past credits have expired. No, what I'm looking forward to is learning for the sake of learning. I'm a human sponge when it comes to knowledge, and am actually excited about being in a classroom again. What classes will I take? History, art, and possibly a language. Which one, I havent decided. TH (the husband) and I want to visit Europe and speaking at least one of the languages before going over would sure help. I took German in high school, and some of it is still in there rattling around, so might take that one. French drives me nuts to listen to, so wont be taking that. Italian is a pretty language, so thats a possibility.

Second son received a job offer to good to turn down, and so he left the state a few days ago for the twin cities. His wife leaves in August to begin her PH.D in linguistics in Wisconsin. The family had a going away dinner, and Dil (daughter in law, married to eldest son) was there. No, I wasnt allowed to play with the baby. It could have been worse I suppose, but the fact was we just ignored each other. Sat on opposite ends of the table, and I pretended she wasnt there. What I did find interesting, was that third son and fiancee were also ignored by Dil, and they ignored her as well. Youngest son told TH a few weeks ago that, "We had the best family around, until Dil came into our lives, and she broke our family."

Spring is finally here, we have water puddles everywhere. Rotten snow banks, and the first goose was sited a few days ago. It cant come soon enough for me. Am now awaiting the first buds on the trees, the smell of spring in the air, and the sight once again of the ground. Green up cant come soon enough for me.

Oh? You're wondering about the title and the header picture? Umm, I thought it looked like an alien being, and it was on the cutting board. So, alien supper!

5 on the Fifth

2011-04-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hello All! It's that time again for photo fun. This months theme is BLUR. I'm not a very seasoned photographer, and was having trouble getting pictures that were blurry in an artistic way. So, decided to twist the theme into things that blur time, blur boredom, blur pain, and something that causes my happiness to blur into sad.

I love to read! I read when I'm happy, sad, bored, etc. Basically I read, therefore I am. And yeah, I do love reading history, but read from almost every genre.

Tech, tech, TECH! I love my computer, love my iPad, and my DS! I also love my iphone but couldnt figure out how to add that in the photo! lol lol I can go onto the web to look something up, and hours later wonder how on earth I went from that start point to where I'm currently at. I use my ipad to play games, check my email, surf the web, and oh yeah...... read, shocking, isn't it?

I love to knit. My favorite time to knit is when I'm watching tv. Why? Well, to tell the truth I get bored watching tv, and knitting gives my brain just enough busyness to keep me happy. Currently working on my first pair of socks, not as tricky as I had feared, at least so far!

Yeah, I think this one is rather obvious how it blurs me.

Loneliness. I spend a great portion of each day alone, and for someone whose happiest having people around me, it's tough. But unfortunately, I'm also very shy, so meeting new people is hard.

Ok, now go and visit Stephan's blog and see all the wonderful pictures!

Falling Rose Petals

2011-03-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

I used my iphone 3, with hipstamtic app. Dried rose petals from the Valentine's Day bouquet from TH, and window insulating film.

Our economy is really this bad?

2011-03-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Well, in my mistaken opinion, I had thought our economy was slowly improving. After seeing this sign in my local Megamart, it seems that I was overly optimistic. So, if any of y'all are looking for cute houseboys, here's your chance! This could also be your big chance to fulfill your harem fantasy! I was all set to pick me up a two-for-one, but sigh TH nipped that idea in the bud!

Biki and the Pflag Meeting

2011-03-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

The day peeked around the shades in the darkened bedroom, slowly Biki was beginning to rouse. After floating for a while in that blissful state between awake and sleep, suddenly was ripped from that nirvana by the remembrance that today was the DAY. Speaking in front of others day. Speaking about being an other. Speaking to others about being a patchwork person.

In an effort to find a way back to connect on any layer with the feminine, small things have been lately tried by Biki. The one thing that he can get out of the house with is black fingernail polish. For whatever reason, black is Biki's strength color. Wearing black makes Biki feel brave, strong, and able to deal with other people without fear. Slathering a thick coat of black on nails, grabbing the blackest shirt, black earrings, grabbing the catalog from the transgender conference, he was ready to go.

In the car, blasting The Gazette hoping to fill the worried scared crevices with head bang deliciousness, he drove to the wrong street. Pulling into an empty parking lot, pulling out the trusty iphone, ahh ... okies not 4 Avenue, but 8th! Still even with the unscheduled scenic route, he wasn't late. But what's this? No Pete? Sigh, he couldn't make the meeting, and it was ran by Beverly. Okies, he can deal with that. As the meeting wandered through new business, and the old that needed to be dealt with, Beverly looked up and asked, "Any new business?" Well crap on a damask tablecloth, Pete had forgotten to put him on the agenda.

"Umm, yeah.... I guess Pete forgot to add me to the agenda." This was it, the moment that he was dreading. Telling people, random people what he is, giving them the ability to see Biki for what he is. The only thing worse than not being seen, is being seen. Leaping off the cliff, Biki began to speak, and badly at that...sigh..... Mixing up genders, mixing up the days, the Biki car was completely out of control. And then to make matters worse, as if that was even possible, he realized just how out of control Biki was, he was doing the feminine. Fluttering hands, voice climbing ever higher, tears held back only by surface tension, sitting ever smaller.

In the train wreck, the governor came off Biki's tongue and stuff started falling out of his mouth. Things that Biki didn't intend to share started leaping out of Biki, and into the bright light of the day. And as he slowly came to a stop, it was to dead silence. No one knew what to say to him. Then finally, thankfully someone asked why I didn't want to sponsor anyone younger than 18. When Biki said, "I don't want to have to monitor them at the dance, to make sure they aren't caging drinks off of someone. And for sure I'm not going to going to want to keep track of their bed, either if they are in it, or whose in it with them." That loosened everyone up. Whew! Then of course someone HAD to mention the fact that 18 is not old enough to drink, when a voice countered with, "Yeah, of course. But the deal is Biki wouldn't be legally responsible for any of their actions."

The meeting limped to an end then, and Biki leaped out the door, as if the hounds of IRS was after him.

Two days later at the video store, while chatting with the clerk, who is a real fun girl, some portion of Biki's brain took over, and told the her, "Hi, I'm Gill, and I'm transgender. I'm a boy living in a girl." She took it well, and the conversation continued, it was both a fearful thing, and a heady thing for Biki to say out loud. Straight up, Biki needs to be more wary of his tongue in the future.

Transgender Despair, by Charles Asher

2011-03-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

A Real Boy

2011-03-15T21:02:00.001-07:00

Finally!

2011-03-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

Finally, a Lady Gaga song I like! Cause really, if one can't headbang to a song, is it really music? Ok, I suppose it is, classical music this is a nod for lovely you. But, life is to short not to headbang at every and any moment, yeah??

From The Inside

2011-03-12T14:41:00.000-08:00

Walking through my daily life, I know that no matter where I go, what I wear no one will ever mistake me for a guy. I'm not androgynous enough looking to spark confusion, or even the hateful adjective "it" that is used when some ones sex is completely ambiguous.

The last few weeks has seen me in an emotional tailspin, depression shadowing my every breath. Holding back the despair, only works for brief moments at a stretch. Clicking away with my Hipstamatic app, playing my ds game Phoenix Wright Attorney at Law, and my mind is miles away from my corporal self. And I enter that blissful state of not having a sex or gender, and am able to enjoy life. The bliss is short lived and all to shortly I'm slammed back into this confused whirlpool mind.

I can't go back and live wholly as a female, that door is firmly shut. However, life as male isn't an option either. I stand in the hallway of gender, unable to open the door to either gender.

The only way to describe myself is as two puzzles that have been mingled together, some of the pieces of each lost, and now the only way forward is to somehow make those two disparate pictures combine into one. But the trick is, how? How to keep my inner guy happy, living within a female body? How to live always being perceived as female, seeing the feminine form in the mirror?

I've become overwhelmed with can't.

There has to be a different way forward, a way to create a wholly new person from these pieces and parts that don't play well together.

Being overwhelmed with can't, I've decided to work with what I am. My list starts at the very bedrock, hopefully as I finish the foundation of me, I'll begin to find ways to erect the framework of who I can be, rather than who I can't be.

Who I Am.

a good person
kind
a worthwhile person
loving
generous
unique, and that's not always a bad thing
gentle
funny

Turning down the noise of can't, squelching the all pervading strictures of society, ripping off the layers of past, I know my answer is there, within me. I just need to listen harder.

Buddha, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

5 on the Fifth

2011-03-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

Stephen started this wonderful idea, to show our world through the lens of a camera. This month I used my iphone with an app called Hipstamatic, whose tag line is, "Digital Photography Never Looked So Analog". This month the theme is lines.

lines in the snow

lines of communication

lines of photosynthesis

lines of power

lines of bamboo, dinner!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

2011-02-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

While reading around the web tonight, I came across this story coming to us from Augusta Maine. And at first was like ho-hum the fear of the transwoman in the bathroom boogy man yet again....and then? Ok, here is the main thrust of the story.

Fredette, a former member of the Maine Human Rights Commission who was elected for the House of Representatives in November, seeks to overturn a 2010 commission decision regarding transgender students in public schools. In September the commission opted to work with the Department of Education after the gubernatorial election to develop guidelines for how to accommodate transgender students’ use of bathroom and locker room facilities. That process has yet to unfold.

So, once again, people are fighting over letting transpeople use the correct gender bathrooms. If we have read this once, we have read this what, a million times? This Mr. Fredette who should know better, gets it ever so wrong.....

The bill would add a paragraph to the Maine Human Rights Act that would make it legal to designate a bathroom or shower facility “to the use of members of the designated physiological sex, regardless of sexual orientation,” according to a draft provided by Fredette.

Sexual orientation? Umm, what? Does this mean that their are lesbians wanting to use the men's rooms? Or gays who want to use the ladies? Being transgender is not an orientation! Sigh....

Reading into this matter futher, following the articles back into the dim reaches of the past, the next one was from eons ago... 16th of February, 2010 and this little tidbit caught my eye.

For some, including the Christian Civic League of Maine, the commission’s guidelines are “the latest outrage by radical homosexual activists” which constitute “an impossible absurdity,” according to a press release.

Cool! There are now radical homosexual activists who want to help transpeople be able to use the correct bathroom! Yippee! It won't be long now until this entire bathroom waterloo is over! Oh...wait.... radical homosexual activists are like the easter bunny and santa claus, right? Well shoot! Here I was hoping that we had some muscle in the fight, because having a RADICAL activist sounds just so awesome!

Continuing on with that same article, again our jolly little rainbow colored car runs up against the barrier of the same old argument of GLBTA wanting "special rights" that is seemingly always trotted out against any and all requests for civil rights or for protection against discrimination.

“That schools should take all reasonable measures against harassment is something the MSMA (Maine School Management Association ) supports and believes in,” he said. “What [the commission has] done is go beyond the issue of ‘you shall not discriminate’ to say [transgender students] will be given certain specific accommodations. Our sense is that this goes well beyond what the statute says. This is a specific policy issue that should go before the Legislature or at least through the administrative rule-making process.”

The last time I looked in a school, there were "specific accommodations" made for children who use wheelchairs, children who require steadying bars in the bathroom stalls, and for children who are special needs. What about the specific accommodations given to school athletes? Schools build sports fields, locker rooms, sheds for and filled with equipment, and hire coaches and the very affluent schools even have physical trainers. All of these sports "accommodations" are only used by a small percentage of the student body. For a group of"specific" students.

But you ask for a safe and secure place for a transgender child to use the bathroom or locker room, and suddenly all hellz breaks out. What do they expect these children to do? Continue using the wrong bathroom? Oh...wait, yeah I know now, facepalm! They want to "fix" these confused transgender students, just like they want to fix the gay and lesbian ones. All they need to is receive Je-bus into their hearts and they will be healed from their confusion placed there by our old friend, Ol' Scratch himself!

Call me naive, but I really don't understand the worry that christians seem to have with transgender humans. Except for the admonishment about wearing incorrect gendered clothing, I'm not aware of any biblical verse that is against transgender people, and I suspect neither do they. That's why they fall back upon the worn out "Oh! Won't you please, think of the children!" Except this time we are thinking about the children, trans children.

*the A at the end of GLBTA is for asexuals, they too deserve a place at our table.

Pork, Eggs, and Milk

2011-02-23T13:53:00.000-08:00

I have this idea percolating, and I wonder if it could work. Here's what I'm a thinking. Remember when pork, eggs and milk were considered to be non-healthy food choices? Even after eggs were clearly shown to have no effect on blood stream cholesterol, doctors were still wary about endorsing the eating of eggs. What to do, what to do? Brilliant ad-men came up with the idea of blitzing our media sources with campaigns showing us rank and files that eggs, pork and milk were all good for us! Everyone remembers these tag lines: "The incredible, edible egg", "Got milk?", and of course, "Pork, the other white meat."

Now its a true hard case, that isnt moved by the sight of a pretty child. Most all humans love children, and watching them at play, laughing, sleeping will bring a smile to the face of even the most hardened of hearts. And I think that's the place that GLBT need to strike, with the face of children. Read my idea for an ad campaign. This campaign would run with separate ads for boys and girls.

You were there when he was born.

His first tooth.

That first step.

The tear laden first day of kindergarten.

You've been there through nightmares and skinned knees,

fights with friends, sleepless "sleep overs"

and countless days of laughter and hugs.

Won't you be there for him now, when he comes to you with the scariest thing in his young life?

This isn't something he "chose", in fact he would do anything for this not to be happening to him. He's your son, and he's gay. Now show him the depth of your love for him, and accept him as he is. Now more than ever, he needs you. Don't let you son become a statistic. If you need help in how to talk to him about being a gay teenager, please call xxx-xxx-xxxx or visit our website, www.abcdefg.org

Remnants

2011-02-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

I hate to admit it, but TH (the husband) is right. About what you ask? I am changing, slowly evolving into a different person. I didn't realize it until my cell rang the other day, and when asked who this was, without any thought at all, I responded, Bob*. No hesitation whatsoever. It's the first time that I didn't say Bobbie. The first time I didn't waver around on if I wanted to say Bob, or Bobbie.

Clicking the box for female is becoming something I have to stop and think about now. My first instinct is to mark the male box.

A blogger friend Peter, was trying to help me find something to wear to the wedding, sent me some links of possible looks for me. Sweet guy that he is. The first two were of nice outfits featuring trousers and jackets, but in a relaxed style. However.....the second two were skirt outfits. Seeing those two pictures of very feminine outfits caused a physical reaction. I wanted to vomit. I got shaky, and had to close those two tabs on my browser. I'm not real sure why the outfits had that effect on me. But since then, I've on purpose looked at skirts and dresses, with the express desire to see if the same thing would happen. And if I'm just looking at clothing, im fine. However, if I ask myself, could you wear this? I get that dark pit feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The day of wearing skirts or dresses is over for me.

As I slowly unfurl, I wonder, where this is going to end? Will I end up under the surgeons knife with a blood stream full of testosterone transforming myself into my inner self? Or will I be happy living a twilight existence, only being seen by people who actually know me?

I missed the last Pflag meeting, due to still being ill. I wrote and told Pete, the president of our local Pflag, why I wasn't able to attend, and mentioned going to Boston to the transgender conference. And some how he took a leap, and decided that I meant I wanted to talk about it to the next meeting. So..... yeah. The one meeting I've managed to attend, only Pete knew that I was trans. The ladies there assumed that I'm lesbian, and keep inviting me to their dances. So, since I'm being forced out into the open, I'm going to tell the nice ladies who keep inviting me, about my status. If they still want me to come and help out with the snacks or whatever, I'm cool with that. But I feel that I really should be truthful to them about why I keep turning them down.

As I expand into my true self, peeling off each layer of not me, I quake with fear. I fear that my growth will push me from TH's arms and love.

and so it goes........

*of course Bob, Bobbie isn't my real name, but it works as a non de plume

Adrift

2011-02-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm in a real quandry about what to wear for Third Son's wedding in July. This has been bothering me for a quite while now. Why? Well, I dont want to cause any hurt feelings by not dressing appropriately. I dont want attention drawn to myself by my clothing, as the attention should be fully on the bride and groom, not some weirdly dressed mom of the groom.

I've looked at pant suits for women, and ok they are very "stuffy" and would look out of place in our fairly casual Alaskan world. I've looked at ethnic clothing, thinking a long tunic and pants would fit the bill. However, it all depends upon the fabric/color choice on if its seen as an outfit or as a costume. Outfit ok, costume, so not ok.

I wore a dress to Eldest Son's wedding, in fact it was the only dress in my closet when I ditched all my girl clothing. Third Son is very easily hurt, he really is a marshmallow of a boy. And part of me worries that if I dont come in a dress, his feelings might be hurt. With all of the upheaval in our family of late, we don't need any more drama period.

And if you are wondering, no things are no better with Eldest Son and his family. We have seen him and the Grand just once since Christmas, at his house, wife gone, but constantly texting him to see if we were gone yet. The visit was by invitation, and both TH and I were on edge the entire time.

Looking in my closet its bare of anything that even comes close to dressy attire. All I own is long sleeved, primarily black long sleeved thermal shirts, and two hoodies. The newest one is mega funny to me, as I drink very little, usually never more than a beer with supper.

I've been going to websites featuring woman's clothing, looking for articles of clothing that straddles the crack between what I would feel comfortable wearing and what is appropriate for a beloved son's wedding. Clicking on the pages featuring dresses, skirts and feminine tops, causes my stomach to curl up, my chest to constrict. No matter how hard I try, I just can't see me in any of these dresses. In my mind I'm ok with the "idea" of wearing a dress, but faced with choosing one, feels me full of dread and grief. The idea of seeing me dressed as a female is very upsetting to me. It's hard enough living within a feminine body, without wearing full force fem clothing.

Attempting to look androgynous, has helped me deal somewhat with finishing out my life as a woman. But the veneer is oh so very thin, and easily cracked and broken by the most innocuous occurrences. Pulling me under, bashing me along the rocks of what I want, and what I need, and what I'm not willing to give up, let go of.

Tiny wee devils

2011-02-10T16:23:00.000-08:00

Both TH (the husband) and I have managed to both come down with a great whopping case of pneumonia! Yeah. At. The. Same. Damned. Time.

See ya later bloggers!

We need a new bracelet

2011-02-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

We have all seen those bracelets with the letters WWJD (what would Jesus do) upon them. I think its time for a new bracelet. From what I can see, what Jesus would do is to deny a place at his table for a sizable portion of humanity. Religion seems to be more exclusionary than inclusiveness, pushing many people out of the reach of God and churches. Why else would pastors, ministers, and priests rail against so many humans from their sermons each week? Gays are evil! Trans people are an abomination! They are ensnared by the devil's net, and do the devils work, bringing our country to its knees by their evil deeds.

A country who used to pride themselves on a firm and clear division between religion and government has inexplicably become the religious rights submissive slave, being increasingly shackled by the "word of God". Which version of God are we supposed to believe in, there are many to choose from. I feel that we are on a balance point, and life could go either way. The scales could tip and slide us into a fundamentalist country on par with many of the middle eastern countries, or it could slide us into a more secular form of society.

The last 50 years has seen a slow erosion away from many Americans belonging to, and regularly attending churches. And I think that's whats behind much of the noise and fury of many religious leaders. They know their realm of influence is waning, and they are making us believe their are devils behind every door, under every bed, and evil agendas from the downtrodden portion of society. Fifty years ago, all of this hatred was heaped upon black americans, arguing that if they could vote, attend the same school, drink from the same water fountain, or marry someone out of their race our country would suffer the wrath of God. After a few federal rulings, blacks were finally granted their long over due civil rights. And then the hunt was on to find the new evil, and for a while it was women, but its hard to hate women. Everyone loves a woman at some point in their lives, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, sisters, cousins, girl friends, and as friends. So, cue the next boogie man, and he is LGBT.

Now I'm a huge history nerd, and have been reading a book about Abraham Lincoln and the possibility that he might have been gay. I'm almost finished with the book, and yeah I'm convinced he was. But thats not why I'm bringing him up. He was a brilliant man thrust into a horrid period of our history, but he was without doubt the right man for that job, anyone else would have messed it up.

I can't help but to make comparisons between Lincoln believing that all Americans should be free and able to enjoy the same civil rights, and his efforts to free the slaves, and our current struggle for civil rights across the whole of LGBT. At a time when most of our countrymen were of a more religious bent, Lincoln was not. If you read his speeches he never once invokes Jesus, or rarely God, but talks about man as something stronger, and greater than we know.

While Lincoln was president, many religious leaders would come to him, "that Lincoln might improve himself and / or his administration in the eyes of God by citing this or that expression of the divine will." And he stood firm against them by saying, "I hope it will not be irreverent for me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others, on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me."

So, I'm proposing a new bracelet, one that reads WWLD (what would Lincoln do). We know that Lincoln forced Northern generals to fight against the southern armies, and those that wouldnt fight, were removed from their positions. Many historians believe that the reason Lincoln was shot was his desire to see blacks have the ability to vote, as he wanted complete and total freedom for all americans.

What we need is our own Lincoln. One who doesnt kowtow to the religious leaders, one who isnt afraid to stand up and point out the travesty of a country who prides itself on freedom for all, creating a second class of citizens through laws and statues. If you read my post on my second blog, you know the plight of transgender americans. By not allowing gays and lesbians and some transpeople to marry, what you are doing is codifying bigotry and violence, which kills our most vulnerable members, teens and transwomen of color. Each suicide, each gay/lesbian/trans bashing that leads to a death can be directly correlated to the laws restricting our freedoms and impeding us from our civil rights. And since most of these laws flow from religious groups, each death needs to be placed on their bloody bloody door step.

It's time to stop sitting in the back of the bus. It's way past time for us to stop squabbling with each other and start to fight with one voice, one purpose freedom for all LGBT and hopefully a kinder more gentler nation.

5 on the Fifth

2011-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

The suggested theme this month was Reflections from Stephens blog.

The turbulent sky reflected in a small lake near Anchorage.

The sky, yet again reflected in a fountain in Scottsdale.

The late evening sun bouncing off the trees in our back yard.

A reflection of my greed. I. So. Want. This. Car!

A reflection of our past. Mud bogging has to be the best thing ever! The smell of mud on a hot exaust manifold is.........ahhh.....perfect. I love the sound of the clumps of mud hitting the windshield, how the truck bucks and jerks, and of the crazy conversations we had. Man do I miss this truck and the times we had in it.

The long and winding road

2011-02-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

Thursday night TH (the husband), and if you are wondering, I do call him that in real life, something that New Leaf got a huge kick out of, asked what we had planned for Friday. Planned? Me? I rarely, if ever intentionally plan anything, as I enjoy just taking each day as it comes. But I married a type A, Class 1, Gold Star plated planner. At times, I actually think he would be happiest if everyday for the rest of his hopefully long long life was planned out, and marked down in some giant tome.

It turned out that TH had the itch to go....someplace. He wanted to go to Tok, its a nice long drive, read about 5 hours or more one way. Never having been to Tok before, I wanted to wait until summer, more daylight ya know? After kicking places around for a while, we decided to head up the Steese, to at the very least Central. Friday we were up and out of the house before daylight, now before any of you get all excited that vampire me, was up at a ridiculous time, we left the house at 9 am. The sun came up, well UP is a relative term in the winter, as the sun has a low horizon in the winter. So, as we wove between mountains we were alternately bathed in sunlight, and then around the next corner doused in twilight.

I had packed sandwiches and drinks into our cooler, added a roll of t.p. and headed out. We ended up at Circle City.

And while I know its hard to believe, while in the one store in Circle, asking to use their restroom, found out that the owners and TH had friends in common! Yeah, thats what's it like traveling around with TH. The kids and I all swear that if he has enough time when he meets a fellow Alaskan, he will somehow have some connection with them, especially with long time Alaskans, sourdoughs if you will. The bathroom turned out to be in the "washateria" across the street, which is very common in small Alaskan communities. It had 3 washers, 4 driers, and two bathrooms complete with showers with coin operated hot water. Many Alaskans live without running water, and depend upon washateria's for clean water both for bathing and for hauling home for cooking and drinking.

For whatever reason, I love caribou, and yeah they are mightily fine eating as well. My eyes were peeled hoping to see some along the way, and luck was with us, as we most likely saw close to 100!

It was nice chatting along, enjoying the rare sunlight, the companionship, and doing some decision making about what we have planned for the coming year, I told you he loves to have life planned out!

We talked about his fears about me attending the conference in Boston, he was sure I would come home ready to begin the transition process as soon as Son #3's wedding is over. My ability to keep my girl suit, he has grave doubts and doesn't trust me to keep my promise, his lack of confidence in me has thrown me into a spiral of depression again. Leaving me once again to find my way back out of this dark place. But, I've done it before, and I'll do it again. When I asked a good friend a while back, how he manages to stay mortal, he answered, "Sheer bloody mindedness". I liked his answer and have stolen that idea from him, it's just one more twisting turn on my long and winding road.

Snapshots on the last day

2011-01-24T04:35:00.000-08:00

A common theme throughout the workshops was to find your own narrative. Finding yourself in the louder noise of society. It doesn't matter what others see, only who we know ourselves to be. By not allowing others to label us, often with hurtful language, empowers us. I think this is true for everyone.

As I calmed down, and left the fearful, and shy zone, I noticed that almost everyone attending had the saddest eyes. Years of not being able to be "seen" for who they are, being afraid of others reactions, has left it's mark. Even though I was still hampered by bouts of shyness, I made sure to look my fellow trans in the eyes, and smile, to validate their existence and worth as humans. I began to get loads of smiles back.

Everyone there is worried about "passing". And yes, some do it much more successfully than others. But even the most successful of these worried nonstop about not looking right, not sounding right, moving in a way that doesn't break the illusion they are weaving. The transwomen worry about not being feminine enough, and the transmen worry about not being stereotypically masculine.

Among both groups there seems to be a hierarchy, yes even among us trans, there seems to be a need to pick on each other, sad isn't it? The transmen seem to garner disapproval by other transmen by not being hyper masculine by coming across as a "femme" gay guy. I talked with one guy about it. He said he didn't care if he got hate by other transmen, he wasn't going to change how he acted to please others. I really enjoyed talking with him, we really hit it off.

While the vast majority of transwomen were in their 40's, most of the transmen were young! The youngest that I met was 16. The under 18 crowd had to be chaperoned. Needless to say these young teens were overwhelmed and out of their element. So, why are there young transmen, but not transwomen? I don't know, this has really made me curious.

I got a few dismissive looks from some of the late 20's transmen, which were extremely hurtful. It's funny, I felt completely comfortable with the transwomen, but my own gender made me feel uncertain and tongue tied. Made me feel unworthy and as if I shouldn't even have been there.

After each nights dinner banquet there was dancing in the lounge. I was standing watching people dance when a woman came up and started flirting with me!!! Last night one woman wouldn't take no for an answer! She kept touching me, stroking my arm, leaning on me, sigh. As I made my escape from her, I was asked if I was dancing. I didn't understand at first, but finally realized she was asking me TO dance. Yes, yes I know, a total face palm moment for me. We did finally dance, and spent hours talking, she is a very cool person.

This morning I had the pleasure of having Jamison Green sitting down next to me at brunch. He is handsome, sexy, and one of the smartest person I've met in a long time. If you ever get a chance to hear him speak, go you won't be disappointed.

Ok, so now the hard question, did this change my mind about transitioning? No, and yes. No, because the reason can't, or more correctly won't transition hasn't changed. Yes, because I saw ftm's that while short, could totally pass and they looked good! I was rather jealous seeing the teen trans guys. If I was a teen now, that could be me getting ready to starting testosterone, and being able to live as a visible male.

Sent from my iPad

Second day

2011-01-22T04:38:00.001-08:00

What to say about yesterday? The entire day was filled with running from workshop to workshop, and I missed one I was looking forward to. I met a therapist who was talking to me about if I should come out to the children or not, due to my desire to live a life in the middle, androgyny "r" I.

What I learned from from her is that transgender people are helped by therapists who specialize in PTSD. Which I found rather odd, until she explained it. Growing up never able to trust your instincts, always feeling off kilter from others, causes built up stress, starting from the time we are very young.

I found that the age I began to know me as a boy, around 5, is the most common age of awakening.

WHOOT!

FTW!

For the first time in my life I've done something in the normal column of life. Let me tell you, that felt mega cool to be one of the herd.

Everyone running the conference, the workshops, and the people I have met and chatted with have without fail been wonderful.

And yesterday at a workshop I was lucky enough to meet Jamison Green! His book literally changed my life. I told him so, and thanked him. So that was a totally a Wayne's World moment for me.

Today all the F2M workshops are being held. With a luncheon by none other than Jamison Green. So this should be an interesting day to say the least.

Unless something occurs between this year and next, I will be back!

The first day

2011-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a day! Last night when I arrived in Boston, I was trashed, tired, and only wanted 3 things.
1. A shower
2. Dinner
3. SLEEP

And that's just what I did. This morning I headed to the restaurant, ate a nice breakfast, drew in a big breath, and went in search of the conference.

Today was a slow day, but it was a good way for me to ease onto this. Today was mostly vendors setting up, a movie marathon, that I wasn't to interested in, and the Decades Dance and dinner.

I'll tell you the truth, I was mega freaked about attending the dinner and dance. I jumped onto chat, and Jay was on. We chatted while I was getting ready. He gave me the confidence to head on down. I bought black nail polish, it's very odd to wear polish again. I was supposed to wear guy liner, but the pencil had dried up and it didn't work, sigh. What I found cool, was that many people thought my tat sleeves were real! If only!!!

These two sweet and wonderful women took pity on me when they found out I was new and nervous, and sat with me. One of their friends "Jane" sat down with us as well.

They started the dance and "Jane" asked me if I knew how to jitterbug. Nope, I sure didn't. But was open to giving it a try. Turns out it was a money dance! And we won! Then we danced again....and won again! A different couple won the third dance, they were good! "Jane" and I were the grand prize winners! Together total we split $125.00!

The food was great, the music fun, and the company was even better.

Tomorrow the workshops begin, and I can't wait. I'm so very happy I took the chance and came.

Best. Decision. Ever!

On my way!

2011-01-19T01:56:00.001-08:00

Today the fact that I'm actually going to this conference, alone, finally sunk into my thick brain. Which sparked a mercifully short panic attack. Why did I panic at this late stage? This is kinda a big deal for me, adding in the fact that TH (the husband) won't be with me.

So, I decided to just man up and deal.

I have freak fever, is it the end of the world?

2011-01-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

Chris Crocker - Freak of Nature OFFICIAL (uncensored) MUSIC VIDEO!! from chris crocker on Vimeo.

Ok, I'll admit it, this is the ONLY dance music that I have ever bought. And is it just me, or is Chris hot as both genders? Wow....If I'm listening to dance music, whats next? Country? Shudder, I don't even want to think about that.

I do have one other dance song on my itunes, yes I have only two. The other one is by a Korean guy, G Dragon. Wanna see?

Ok, let the teasing begin!

Decision Made!

2011-01-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the whole what I should wear to the dance was wearing me out! Finally, I just decided to have fun with it all, and dress how I want to. So, even though the decades for the dance officially end at '80s, always being someone who enjoys pushing things a bit, am going as a heavy metal rocker. And my look is rather more '90s than 80's but hey what are they going to do, toss me out?

So, here is bits and pieces of my look for the dance.

My shirt!

My tattoo sleeves.

My earrings, second, or upper piercing, yes on my ears!

Lower piercing earrings, and yeah still on the ears.

So, add jeans and my trusty skull trainers, my new avatar, and thats my rocker outfit.

Let's Get This Party Started!

2011-01-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday! Not the day of my birth, but the day of my awakening. What a year this has been. I have been re-reading my blog from the time when I began to wake up, coming out of my personal coma, and into the light. Needless to say, it hasn't been an easy year, but one that I wouldn't trade away, period. I have seen the deepest despair, and the giddy heights of pure and unadulterated joy.

Despair, knowing there isn't any way to maintain anything close to my current life if I transition. Stratosphere heights came from finally at long last knowing who I am, and how with this last piece of the puzzle of me, everything finally fits, makes sense. Joy and despair all rolled into one convenient package. Yeah, that about sums it up.

Last year at this time, with the voyage barely began, I was convinced that I was androgynous. I know now that not to be true. I'm a transsexual. And an anomaly according to my ex-therapist. According to her, she hasn't ever had a person realize they are transsexual, know they would be happier living within a proper gender conforming body, and then choosing not to.

At first my decision not to transition was based solely on keeping TH (the husband). We have been married since the dawn of time, 32 years. And like all long married couples we really no longer have a clearly delineated where "I" ends and "you" begins. As this year flowed by TH's views on my physical body shifted as he began to slowly understand what this was in reality doing to me, and as his comfort level grew with the whole idea that, yes I'm a guy.

One fine day, we were out shopping and he said to me, "You don't move like a girl anymore. Not that you were ever very girly, but now….you take up more real estate, you walk bigger, sit bigger."

I let this simmer for a bit, then worked up my nerve to ask fearing the worst, "Does it bother you?"

"Sometimes."

While the statement was painful to my fledging heart and identity, at least he was truthful.

At first when I made the decision not to transition, the grief about killed me, and I began a death spiral down, cumulating into a 24 hour period that almost saw me leaving all of the pain and grief behind me for good. If it hadn't been for two really good friends talking to me for hours, I honestly doubt there would be this post, yeah it was honestly that hairs breath close. Why wasn't TH the one to hold me together? He was out of the state, visiting his best friend. He realized when he called me how bad I was, but he was out of reach. His first instinct was to call one of our sons, and I'm rather glad he didn't, as I'm sure I would have spilled the truth to them. Something I'm honestly frozen with fear of them knowing.

Late this summer, TH gathered me into his lap and arms and told me very seriously that he wanted me to transition, I needed to live for me, not him. While the selflessness of his offer was breathtaking, the reality of it is just to stark. Living without my best friend, the one person on earth who loves me for me, is an alien planet I don't want to discover.

Last week I was answering an email, giving the person my physical address as I had won a book by him. I go by a diminutive of my name, ending in an "ie". Now without the later part of my name, tis a guys name. I rattled off my name and addy and then paused……and backed up and changed Bobbie to Bob*. I sat and rolled Bob around my mind for a while, and then hit send.

Today I was going to celebrate my b-day with going shopping for an outfit for the "Decades Dance" for the trans conference. I couldn't manage to get myself out of the house. One problem its very hard in this smallish town we live in to not run into someone we know. Yes, I'm very deeply in the closet, and fear the daylight.

And so the year ends rather as it had began, with me trying to live an androgynous life. Trying to walk the line between nothing overtly feminine and not looking "butch". I'm not really sure why, but the idea of coming across as a butchy lesbian bothers me to no end. Yeah, yeah I know weird, but whatever.

This is going to sound odd, but I feel as though I'm on the cusp of …….. something. I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling, but ya know the feeling you get when you first wake up and your dream is so vivid, but as the seconds tick past, it fades quickly, no matter how hard you grasp to keep it? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling lately. There is something tickling the back of my brain, but I just yet grasp it. It will come to me, of that I'm sure.

Ok, and now a question for all of you. It was brought to my attention that the name I've chosen to write under, Biki and my avatar is a sorta feminine. What do you think, should I change them? And if you have been wondering how I pronounce Biki, tis said bee-key.

Love ya all!

*my name is NOT Bobbie

Yippee!!

2011-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, life is pretty damned perfect! TH (the husband) watched "Taboo" on Nat Geo, the topic was "The Third Sex". The trans people on the show were m2f's, but seeing their faces when they talked about being trapped inside the wrong body, explained more to him in the length of the show than I have managed to explain to him over the course of nearly a year. When he saw the relief in one woman's face after having completed her surgery, now at long last her body conformed to her gender, he finally understood what its like for me. I really believe that was the turning point for him, his pivot to really and honestly getting it.

Since that show, our lives have changed dramatically. He is much more open with me now, and I no longer feel so tongue tied around him. So, I'm opening up more to him, and he is at long last willing and able to listen to me. This is such a relief you cant even imagine, part of my depression has been the gulf between us, that I didn't know how to bridge. While we don't have the same taste in many things, we do mesh well together in life. Having that large and silent wasteland between us, that I didn't know how to fix or if it could even be fixed, was cutting me off from my best friend, my confidant, my love.

We talked long into the night several days in a row. But what really meant the most to me, is when he told me he would love me forever, no matter what body I'm in. And that if I changed my mind, and transitioned, he would move stateside with me. He didn't promise anything more than trying. And yeah, I'm ok with him possibly not being able to deal with me in a man's body, I know that there is no way I could deal with him a girls body.

I have the ticket, the room reserved, and have paid for my place at the conference. So, everything is all set for me to go. I have looked at the workshop chart and there are a few places where I'm truly divided about what to attend. If you are curious about the conference here is their link.

So, for all of you bloggers out there I would need to ask you for help. They are holding a dance, and at first I wasn't going to dress up for it, but have since changed my mind. So, here's the question. Its being called a Decade Dance, and I'm supposed to dress up as my favorite decade. Now, first off the idea that someone could/ would even have a favorite decade rather surprised me to no end. I mean come on, really? A favorite decade? Anyway, I need clothing help. I have no idea what to wear at all. Remember that I need male clothing, yeah? And please, no suggestions of disco clothing. Cause I really don't like my clothes to shout HERE I AM LOOK AT ME! Any suggestions?

What ever doesn't kill you

2010-12-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

This has been a week of extremes, ya know the sort that leave you stumbling for stable footing, and leaves you feeling rather unraveled. I didn't know it was possible to feel the emotions of happy, depressed, surprised, heart broken, and faintly optimistic more or less with in the small space of a week.

While on the computer early in the week googling around the web, I happened across a transgender conference that was being held in Boston in the later part of January, and started to read. Usually, most of these are geared more towards the m2f's, and little if any of the workshops are aimed at f2m's. But oh buddy, not this one! There is loads of interesting things for the f2ms! What I really liked about this conference is that they have two full days of "partners in progress" for partners of trans folk, no matter which way your partner is going. I thought, "excellent! TH (the husband) could attend with me, and get to at least listen to others who are more or less in the same boat as he is. Faintly optimistic

I thought about it overnight, and then showed him the website, opened to the part of the brochure that dealt with him, and he read it, got very quiet and then answered, "no, I cant do that. I cant go to that." And then in the next breath, he urged me to attend. We talked about it a bit, and then he left for work. Two days later, still trying to decide if i should go, I mean for cripes sake its in Boston! he asked me if I had purchased my ticket yet!!! After being asked again the next day if I had my ticket yet, I decided that he really was serious about me going, and that he isn't ready yet to attend. Tonight i bought my ticket, and paid the conference attendance fees. Tomorrow, the hotel will be reserved. So, off I go to Boston! Happy

Last night after we watched the movie "Despicable Me" part of my christmas gifts Th had given me, I went upstairs to read, and TH stayed downstairs watching tv. He had to stay up until 7am before he could go to bed, he works nights. I was tired out and was hoping to be able to sleep after a very long week of not sleeping well, I'll get to the reason for that later on. But, alas sleep was elusive, and being thirsty I went down to get a drink. Turns out, that TH had watched a Nat Geo show called Taboo, and this episode was about transgender people. Now, even though we have been working on this almost a year, I never really knew how much of what I was going thru that he understood. But, there was a m2f on there, and seeing her talk about it, seeing what she went thru to match her inner gender to her outward sex, and hearing her talk about how free she felt now, and finally at peace with herself, he at long last, finally got it. He understands so much better than he ever has! FTW!

If you read my last post, you know that things aren't happy families with eldest son and his wife. We didn't know if they were even going to come for christmas dinner or not. The way our holidays work, is that I make the meat, the yeast rolls, and maybe one more thing, and everyone pitches in to fill in the menu. Being so upset, I forgot to ask for desserts.....so this is the first christmas dinner ever within my memory that we didn't have some sort of sweet to end our meal with. Auntie came, and she was very sweet to me, and was trying to boost my spirits. I've had a solid rock in my stomach this past week, with the worry about what was going to happen on Christmas. Would they even come? Would they come and a huge assed stink happen? Or even worse would people be forced to chose sides?! All of these things have happened before with Dil (daughter in law) at different gatherings, but mostly at Thanksgiving and Christmas....sigh. depressed

Seven o'clock came and....son #4 and his gf and wee doggie. Things seemed ok with them, they seemed happy to be here. A bit after 7, and son #3 and his wife to be, and their new puppy came in. They were fine as well, whew! Now wife to be and Dil don't get on, Dil treats her terribly! Wont speak to her, ignores her, or says very not nice things to her. Wife to be's crime? Who knows, its all part of Dil's craziness. And time passed, and then the doorbell rang....heart in my throat I ran to the door. I felt if the doorbell was being rang, it wasn't good news, because we never lock our door on holidays, and the boys all know to just come in. Whew! It was because Son #2 had his hands to full to open the door! His wife comes in......followed by eldest son, baby and Dil. faintly optimistic

I tried to smooth things over, I gave Dil a welcoming hug, no dice, she didn't return it, wouldn't look at me, sigh. We ate, but she didn't even sit down. She actually left to go and fetch a soda at the local convenience store. Ok...yeah... While she was gone eldest son started to interact with us, but as soon as she came back, he shut right down again. Ok, I asked wife to be to be our christmas elf and hand out gifts. TH and I didn't get a single acknowledgement for our gift for either her or the grand. Now, I luckily didn't see it, but Auntie and TH both saw her rip the paper off her gift and throw it at eldest son. What did we get her? A gift certificate to her favorite clothing store.....I wonder if she just threw it away when she got home. depressed

TH's and I worry now that Dil has broken our family. Son 4 and gf both told me this will blow over, but after seeing her actions we're not giving their views much credence. We are hoping that this will be patched up, but at this point, we are not holding out much hope. Son 3 is getting married this summer, and there will be a round of showers and parties and of course the wedding itself, and these gatherings will be ripe to cause more friction and dissension within our family. Last year, Dil had a baby shower and didn't invite wife to be, and gf, and gf has been with our family now around 6 years..... They couldn't attend she said, cause they aren't married and don't understand anything about babies. However Auntie was invited and she is unmarried and childless, its just more of Dil's way of throwing bombs into our garden hoping to blow it to smithereens. pessimistic

Bloggers!

2010-12-21T00:04:00.000-08:00

So, I was in Arizona for two weeks accompanying eldest son, Dil (daughter in law) and the grand. We were there for medical treatment for Dil, as our doctors in Alaska for anything out of the slightest realm of normal are nearly worthless. Now, I've had a rocky relationship with her to be sure, and a great amount of that rockiness is caused by her crazy as fuck family.

I've never come across a family dynamic like Dil has. She only has sisters, and they fight all the time, and gang up on each other. Yeah. And to add a moist turkey to boiling oil, her mother choses sides, pits one daughter against the others, and keeps the battles going as long as possible. Lovely, huh?

Well, things went bad rather quickly between Dil and myself, and my son was caught in the middle of the whole thing. He could have made things better, had he tried, but he isn't good with confrontation any more than I am.

But into this maelstrom of unhappiness were two wonderful guys.

New Leaf and I have been email buddies for quite a long while, and when I knew that I was Arizona bound, I wrote and asked if he would like to meet for a drink. In my world of easily getting lost, that meant that either Eldest son dropped me off or NL (new leaf) came to pick me up, which is what he did. I suppose it would have been a bit smarter to have sent a pic so we knew what each other looked like, but hey! That would make life to easy and way boring, yeah? So, there we were wandering around the parking lot of the condo. Luckily there was only one other person, and he headed for a condo, so that was easy, but being me I had to ask.
"NL?"
"Biki?"
Yeah, we are both that smooth. Aren't you jealous now?

Have you ever met someone that you had an instant rapport with? Thats what it was like with NL. We met for the first time on Saturday, and sat and talked and talked. We managed to meet up three times while i was there. And he did really went out of his way to take me to the airport when I left early, due to my being unable to deal with Dil and her craziness any longer.

NL asked me what pronouns I'm happiest with, and that is what he used making me happier than you can believe. The only funny thing was that even though he did acknowledge my maleness with the proper pronouns, he still kept holding the door of restaurants open for me. His mom raised a very polite son.

If you ever want to scout around a deserted Walmart at 3am, NL is your guy! Without a doubt he is fun to hang out with. The hours would just evaporate in the blink of an eye when we were together talking about absolutely every thing under the sun. He really is a very wonderful person, someone that I hope to call a friend for many years.

The weekend that fell in the middle of our trip I flew to spend 24 hours with Mr. Hci and his husband. Now we had shared pictures of each other ages ago, so I knew what he looked like....but not his car! But some texting and a really fun sign in the front window of his car cleared things right up!

It was super to sit and talk and talk and not be interrupted by silly stuff like internet issues, chat programs being silly, or a huge time zone difference. It was nice to finally met his husband, who is just as sweet as Mr. Hci is.

There was one really funny point soon after I arrived, I'm not sure if Mr. Hci forgot to mention to hubby that I'm transgender or if hubby forgot. But when a male pronoun was used in reference to me, it received a "huh?" Only to have it repeated to him again a bit more forcefully, and no, not by me but by Mr. Hci.

I ran around out in the yard helping work on the built in sprinkler system the next afternoon, and yeah I throughly enjoyed doing that! I mean really, whats not to like? With good friends, outside, beautiful afternoon, and running from sprinkler head to sprinkler head, hollering questions and orders to each other. Life is good.

Finally meeting two bloggers that I've been either chatting or emailing for over a year now was perfectly wonderful. Being with two people who knew the real me, that I could just be me with was like a drink to a man dying of thirst. There isn't anyone in my "real life" that I can be that open with about being transgender. I'm out to a few people, but one lives in Utah, and the other one lives in Kenai, so its not like I see them that often, and they are rather new at this whole GLBT world.

Life is good on blogger, and I hope this year to visit with a few more blogger friends.

The FAIR Education Act

2010-12-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

I received this email from Equality California a few days ago, that I quickly read, and didn't really think to much about it. But then a few hours later, I found myself reopening my mail and re-reading it again. This occurred several times over the course of the next few days. Finally it dawned on me that what kept bringing me back to this mail was that what a good idea this is, and yet a sense of sadness that we have to resort to the making of laws to be treated equally. But if we have to legislate ourselves into being equal, so be it.

LGBT youth deserve to thrive in school and in life.
But to thrive, they need to feel safe and confident. They need to see and be inspired by LGBT role models who are changing the world for the better. They need to feel like they belong. Too many of our youth are struggling with harassment, feelings of worthlessness and even suicidal thoughts. We have to make our schools safer and more positive environments for LGBT youth.
It’s time for us to come out of the education closet. Ask your legislators to support the FAIR Education Act, SB 48, authored by Senator Mark Leno.
Existing laws require classes in the social sciences -- including history, sociology, anthropology and similar subjects -- to teach students about the contributions of men and women, racial and ethnic minorities and other groups. The FAIR Education Act, sponsored by Equality California and the GSA Network, would require these same classes to teach students about the contributions of LGBT people.
This important Act would also prevent the use of teaching materials that have negative images of people for being LGBT. Current laws already protect other groups in this way.
This bill can give LGBT youth hope, both for their future and for their lives today. All students will learn about how LGBT people have helped shape history, helping them to better understand their LGBT classmates.
Share your own story with your legislators about how this law would have helped create a safer, more welcoming environment when you were in school. They need to hear about the difference it will make.
Equality California will also be sponsoring a major anti-bullying bill -- authored by Assemblymember Tom Ammiano -- that is designed to significantly strengthen and expand California’s existing anti-bullying laws.
Together, we can and will create an environment across California where all youth -- including LGBT youth -- can achieve their best and know that they belong.
In solidarity,

Geoff KorsExecutive Director
Equality California
P.S. If you are already registered for Equality California's Action Center, simply reply to this email and your message will be sent automatically to your legislators.

At this point in time, I'm trying to think who in our Alaska government to contact to see about getting a similar law here. This is one law that I would like to see copied all across our country. I'm sick and tired of living in a country that is held hostage by the views of religion.

Butterflies and Beer

2010-11-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

All day yesterday I worried and stewed, and was unable to concentrate. I worked on my parka a bit, and after making three stupid mistakes which involved a turn with the seam ripper, I called it quits and left to go do something else. I tried reading, and realized that words weren't sinking in any further than my eyes. Sigh. Oh! Its Sunday! I turned on football, and managed to sit and watch that and did a few rows on my pattern knitting. Which was just complicated enough to hold my attention, but not to the point where I would screw it up. But really wasn't enjoying the knitting, and laid that down as well. In the end I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen, while watching the game, and then packed TH's (the husband) lunch.

Now, I have a tendency to get lost, and TH knows this, so Saturday night we went looking for Pete's house. The road was easy to find, but the house was a whole different story. The house number turned out not to be on the house but on the oddly placed mailbox, making it hard to see from the street. I'm glad TH took me to find the place because as upset as I was, I'm not sure that in the stress of looking for the house, and being stressed about the meeting that I wouldn't have just turned around and headed home.

I get in the car confident on knowing how to get there, but anything but confident that it would all be ok once I was there. As I drive, my nervousness expands to fill the car, in desperation I turn on some music and crank it up. That did help to pull my mind off the hamster wheel it had been spinning on all day. Sigh...thats a bit better. The one thing that I didn't want to have happen was to show up with tear tracks on my face, and yeah I was in that level of melt down. One little dust mote landing wrongly would have pushed me over the edge into tear town, something I really really didn't want to do.

Pulling up to the house, I see someone else pull up, and for some reason, I'm scared! so I keep driving.... I go only a bit further down the road, and turn around. I turn the car around, park, big breath in...... and get out and lock it. I walk up to the door, and pause a moment, yet another big breath, and ring the bell. The person who had walked in right ahead of me, opened the door, and welcomed me.

Her name is Cara, and she was very sweet, and introduced me to BEVERLY! OMG! She came, she came, she came, she came! At that very exact moment, is when I finally began to relax and decide that this will be ok after all. Pete is very sweet and kind guy, oh and really really tall, his silver hair contrasted with a youngish face, and a gorgeous silver goatee. Cara is older also and a bit taller than me, with salt and pepper hair and a soft feeling to her personality. Beverly is also tall and very thin, with the coolest piercings, ears, she has a conk piercing in both ears, in her tongue and around her ear lobes. Kelly came in right after me, and she is young and very cute, and very friendly. Nicole came in rather late and really wasn't very.....friendly, she only talked to Pete, am reserving final decision about her until the next meeting.

Pete had made supper so we ate and chatted, and I calmed down even more. There was some general talk about one thing and another, then the meeting bit of the program, which was interesting, then more chatty. And almost shockingly soon, the meeting began to break up! Oh! Cara and Beverly walked up and asked me if I would like to go for a drink. Yes, yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!

I got to know Cara a bit better, turns out she's not a football fan, but Beverly is. We chatted a bit about this and that, and then it was time for Cara to go home. I'm not sure why her wife didn't or doesn't come to the meeting, but it was nice to get to know Cara. After she left, Beverly started talking about being trans.

Overly wordy me has absolutely no words to describe how it felt to sit there, in real life, and talk to someone about being trans. I no longer feel like such a total freak-a-zoid. Beverly is M2F, and has been living as her true self for 5 years. We exchanged phone numbers and email addys.

This is the happiest I've been in.....................................well I can't remember when the last time I was this happy! The tears are no longer on the surface, threatening to burst out of me. My shoulders are relaxed, and the nonstop clench in my jaw is gone as well. I feel totally at peace with myself. The next meeting is in January, and you can bet I'll be there!

Faltering steps

2010-11-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

My social life consists entirely of my family, our sons and their wives, to be wives, and girl friend. The few friends I did have before moving, have all drifted away, leaving me without a single friend. TH (the husband) says I'm looking in the wrong place for friends. He told me to stop looking for women to be my friends, and to be friends with guys. Ok, that makes sense, as I've always gotten along better with guys. But if the men are married, their wives don't understand wanting to hang around a female bodied person with out sex occurring. And two, where would I meet new guys, because if a "woman" is friendly and open with a guy, they assume, wrongly, that I'm looking for sex.

So, as you know, November 20th is International Transgender Day of Remembrance. I was curious if our local PFLAG group was holding a memorial. And I wrote this email to them.

Hello,

I was wondering if there was going to be a local Transgender Day of Remembrance in Fairbanks? I would like to attend if you are having one, as I'm transgender myself.

thanks
Biki

Receiving this mail in response:

Hi Biki,
At this time, PFLAG Fairbanks has not organized a day of remembrance event. Last year there were a few transgender members who met a few times, but the person heading that up has not been to a PFLAG meeting for a while.

Pete

Then, drawing my courage around me, I wrote Pete again:
Hello Pete,

Do you think that any of the transgender members would be willing to meet again? I'm newly out, and horribly shy, but could really do with a 'community'. Maybe not an official sorta of meeting, but a meet someplace and chat sorta thing? I feel rather alone, and would love to be with people who actually understand me.
Biki

And then this arrived in my inbox:
We can probably make that happen. Let me get in touch with Beverly and see what her schedule is.
-pete

Five days ago this landed in my inbox:
Hi Biki,
Beverly said she would be available to help with establishing a circle or support network. She works morning shifts, which cuts down on her availability. I'm hoping she can make the PFLAG meeting next Sunday at 4pm here at the house. We don't have much business going on, so it will be somewhat informal.
-pete

It was at this point, I screwed my courage up, and told TH about going to attend a meeting with them this Sunday. Dead silence. Finally he asked me, "Do you expect me to attend THAT?" Letting me know what he thought about it. Then yesterday he asked me, "What are you hoping to get out of this meeting? What if they are like everyone else, and they tell you to transition too?" Ok, so now the truth comes out as to why he's rather against it. And yes it made sense to me why he would be afraid. He doesn't want to lose me, and to him my transitioning would be losing me. I explained to him that I want, no I need friends, and if any of the trans members become friends how wonderful it would be to have someone really and truly understand me. After he thought about it for awhile, he agreed, that I would be happier if I had a circle of friends.

Now what you might not know about me, is I'm horribly shy, especially when I go someplace alone, that alone will be a huge step for me. Then if you add the fact that this will be the first time that I'll be "out" to random people, it has just grown even bigger.

I'm worried that they won't like me. I'm worried that my shyness will make me look unfriendly. Also, our city is rather small, and part of me is worried that word will get back to the kids...... I'm just plain worried, about well everything. But I can't live like this any longer, so Sunday will find me knocking on the door. Wish me luck!

cornered

2010-11-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I spoke about the suicide of Brandon Bitner. After reading the story at Queerty, I did an internet search on the news, because they can kinda play fast and loose with the facts at times. However, this time they were completely correct, FTW! Any way..... TH (the husband) happened to call right around the time I was crying at the waste of yet one more precious human life. Needless to say, I was very upset, and didn't really carefully monitor my words. After hanging up from him, I realized that about half way through the conversation a chill point had occurred.

Last night TH told me what had upset him on the phone. It was the use of the word "us" in talking about bigots and GLBT haters. Us? How is that such a hard word for him to swallow? He said it puts "space" between us. Moves me further away from him. He has also gotten into the habit of using feminine pronouns with me again, especially in front of others. But to be fair to TH, a few bloggers of late have referred to me as "she". So, is it just habit with him? Or is it him wanting me to fit into my old space in our lives? Back when our lives ran on greased rails, and we were so tight a ray of light couldn't fit between us. Before TH and I starting drifting apart. Some of that drift is due to my unending depression. It's much better than it was this summer, but I'm still not back to anything that could be termed normal behavior for me.

So, I'm out and about doing errands and whatnot, or in some sorta social situation, where I'm expected to agree with someone when they refer to me in the feminine. I do try to avoid it, but for some reason often they back me into the corner, until I have no choice but to agree with them. Which feels like a knife to the gut.

This summer, I was filling out my fishing license to go silver salmon fishing. And ya know how it is when you are filling out stuff that really doesn't take any brain power at all do accomplish, your brain idles down, and its just kinda on rote. Name, address, height, weight, age, sex. Now I went through the list, chatting with TH about nothing of import, and just barely caught myself at the last moment. What did I almost do, without thinking about it? I almost marked the box for male. My pen came to a wavering halt, and for the longest (at least it seemed that way) time I was confused as to what box to check. Finally I remembered and X'd the box for female.

I thought i was doing ok, but TH told me last night, that I'm not doing very well. I feel as though I'm stuck. I think I might be ok with this girl body, if I could express my maleness with the proper pronouns. But to be honest, I'm not really sure about that either. So, I'm just plain stuck, like a fly in tree sap. There is no going forward, no going back. Not sure how much of TH's vision is correct, as he can be a negative nelly most of the time. I really honestly don't know what to do. Is it that I'm denying who I am, to please others? Is that why I don't transition? Is this yet again a manifestation of my abusive childhood? Where I was taught so very well, that I had no worth, no voice, and was unwanted by everyone? Fuck, I wish I knew the answers to all of my questions.

Sticks, stones, words and yet another teen suicide

2010-11-09T03:48:00.000-08:00

Brandon Bitner dead at the age of 14. Trying to find release from the constant bullying at school, committed suicide by throwing himself in front of a tractor trailer. He walked 13 miles to end his pain. I can't imagine his last walk, and the thoughts that were swirling through his head knowing what he was planning to do.

The school had an anti-bullying assembly that week, how nice of them. The school ass-hats claimed after Brandon's death that the school didn't have any history of bullying issues. Oh, really? Gee-whiz school officials, that's not what your current students and your past students say. Click here for the full story.

The asshats that "run" the school, kids that attend, quality or lack thereof of parenting, I'm sure with little effort, a giant list of reasons why kids bully could be compiled. But, in the face of it, reasons why kids are bullied isn't really germane to the conversation. What is germane is why we are so blase about bullying, we say kid's will be kids, etc. Well until a child commits suicide or is bullied to death, then suddenly we CARE.

Our eldest son, for reasons we never did quite figure out, was bullied, would you like to know who first started in on him? I'll give you one guess........his teacher. Yes, he was a scapegoat no matter what he did, and the kids all picked it up, and of course ran like deer with it. And because the teacher had started it, of course she didn't attempt to stop the students from picking on our son. It got to the point where he was afraid to ask to use the restroom. Why? The teacher would make fun of him, in front of the class for needing to use the restroom. Yes, we did go to the principle and complained about the teacher. We went to the school board to complain about the principle. And the only thing that came of our complaining was that the teacher ramped up the bullying, with the students following tightly in lock step. At one point we were told it was good for him, would toughen him up.....

I was chatting with Malcolm today about how little children are valued in our society. Something that hasn't changed since, well forever. Why children aren't seen as the treasure they are, has pestered me for years. One reason I think boils down as to how we view children as a whole. We see them as "owned" by their parents, rather than people in their own right. They have no rights, at all. In fact most of our civil rights come to a halt at the school doors for children, lovely huh? If GLBT are second class citizens, what does that make our children, classless?

The only way I can see to end this morass of administrations turning a blind eye to bullying, is to hit them where it counts. No, not there, but hey as a parting gift, I'm game! In the wallet. If a student loses the will to live, due to bullying, and takes their own life, I say fire the entire administration of the school. All of them. From the secretary, through the councilors, and only stopping after the principles are gone as well. As for the teachers? If they saw it, started it, let it go, then we no longer need them in the halls and rooms of our schools. As a nation we need to make this a priority when we are electing school board members and hiring school employees. Often we blow off the local elections and only really pay attention to the state and federal elections. This is the reason we have people on the school boards for 20 years. Yes, I'm sure that there are a few long term members out there who do a great job. But, how many are on these boards to grind an ax, push through an agenda, and care really very little about the students as people and not as mere numbers, or see them as wee little $ signs?

We need to get mad, we need to stay mad, and we need to slap down groups like Focus on the Family. Who are currently fighting, yes I said fighting against the "Safe Schools Act" watch and read. It's time to take our schools away from the incompetent, the lazy and the bigoted.

Words

2010-10-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

How many times are we asked to describe ourselves, on job applications, college forms, etc? And why is it always so hard to do? Why do we struggle so to put words to something as highly personal as our very own self? Ok, how about we try it now, yeah?

Ready?! Alright, let's go!

Use only one word to describe you.

Let me guess, you picked some version of male. Isn't that interesting that we are so tied to our sex? Something that for the vast majority of us is easily distinguished by looking at us. But why is it that we all feel that our sex is THE most important thing about us? Why do we identify so strongly as either female or male? I don't have a clue, do you?

Moving on, let's add one more word to our description. If you're an adult i would guess that your job is what you have chosen to add. If your still in school then the range becomes wider but still describes what we are doing, rather than WHO we are. Is what we do, who we are? Is being a student, a programmer, etc that tied to who we are inside, or are we describing ourselves for others and not us?

How far down the list if we keep at this is our age, weight, or other physical characteristics? Still for the most part we are using external cues to describe ourselves.

What does this say about our society and it's views on summing us up for public consumption? Is that why it's so vitally important for others when they discover our sexual orientation? Could it be because supposedly we are out of where "normal" lies, and some of the interest in us is nothing more than the juvenile need to group everyone into "alike" groups, and when we are no longer in the "correct" group it throws off their world view? Considering how adaptable and intelligent humans are, why is different such a fear ladened word? Which makes me wonder if this fear of the different, the unusual, hardwired in? If that is true then at some distant point in our past fearing the different instead of being drawn to it must have served some kind of self preservation function. However, we can be taught to accept, embrace and perhaps even love the different among us, and that to me is the true definition of evolve.

So if we can't use external words, how do we describe ourselves if only to our selves? I know that I all to often fall into using only the negative adjectives, rather than positives. Let's give using positive adjectives a go, shall we? Words that paint us with a brush full of good will towards ourselves, rather than a boot full of gloom.

If you ask a child to describe themselves, they will usually only use positive words. They see only the good in themselves and others. When do we lose that ability, and why? Is the loss of being able to paint ones self with positive imagines the beginning of when being different becomes bad?

When we can't see the good in our own person, how can we see the good in others? To protect us from others we begin the hideous slide into picking on others hoping no one will look at us twice. Unless of course you're already a victim of bullies, then it steadily becomes harder to describe yourself with any positive words at all.

Would we learn how to describe ourselves more clearly, using positive words rather than negative, if we at least attempt to see the good in others? Accept the differences, embrace where we do meet up well and let the rest go? If in looking for the good in others, would we find the good in ourselves? Learn to love our quirks, accept ourselves as we are, and not as we want to be. And in doing so, allow us to really love life, eager to greet each day so we can wring every drop from it. Propel our selves with purpose, listening to our true desires and interests, rather than just listening to the popular culture noise.

Ok, so let me take a crack at describing myself, using only positive words. I'm loving, talkative (yes I do think that is a positive trait), funny, optimistic, curious and full of life.

Your turn!

Leaving the Grey Room

2010-10-28T00:39:00.000-07:00

Malcolm and Micky have opened up a new blog. It's still in its infancy but I sense good things on this blog in the future. They are co-writing a blog about abuse, well rather than me tell you, let them tell you.W

"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us.

And if you can, then please help us to all help each other by adding to our Links List of resources for Survivors of Abuse.

t happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us."

Interested? Then head on over to "Leaving the Grey Room". Follow them, link them in your blogroll, because the sad thing about being abused as a kid is that we all think we are the only ones. Being abused is very embarrassing, and most of us will go to any lengths to keep others from finding out, because for some reason we always felt as though it was something wrong with us that made our adults treat us in that manner. If only we were better, smarter, neater, better behaved, more something they would just stop hurting us.

Give Malcolm and Micky some blog love, yeah?