Sunday, October 31, 2010


How many times are we asked to describe ourselves, on job applications, college forms, etc?  And why is it always so hard to do? Why do we struggle so to put words to something as highly personal as our very own self?  Ok, how about we try it now, yeah?

Ready?!  Alright, let's go!

Use only one word to describe you.

 Let me guess, you picked some version of male. Isn't that interesting that we are so tied to our sex?  Something that for the vast majority of us is easily distinguished by looking at us.   But why is it that we all feel that our sex is THE most important thing about us?  Why do we identify so strongly as either female or male?  I don't have a clue, do you?

Moving on, let's add one more word to our description. If you're an adult i would guess that your job is what you have chosen to add.  If your still in school then the range becomes wider but still describes what we are doing, rather than WHO we are. Is what we do, who we are?  Is being a student, a programmer, etc that tied to who we are inside, or are we describing ourselves for others and not us?

How far down the list if we keep at this is our age, weight, or other physical characteristics?  Still for the most part we are using external cues to describe ourselves.

What does this say about our society and it's views on summing us up for public consumption?  Is that why it's so vitally important for others when they discover our sexual orientation?  Could it be because supposedly we are out of where "normal" lies, and some of the interest in us is nothing more than the juvenile need to group everyone into "alike" groups, and when we are no longer in the "correct" group it throws off their world view?  Considering how adaptable and intelligent humans are, why is different such a fear ladened word?  Which makes me wonder if this fear of  the different, the unusual, hardwired in?  If that is true then at some distant point in our past fearing the different instead of being drawn to it must have served some kind of self preservation function. However, we can be taught to accept, embrace and perhaps even love the different among us, and that to me is the true definition of evolve.

So if we can't use external words, how do we describe ourselves if only to our selves?  I know that I all to often fall into using only the negative adjectives, rather than positives. Let's give using positive adjectives a go, shall we?  Words that paint us with a brush full of good will towards ourselves, rather than a boot full of gloom.

If you ask a child to describe themselves, they will usually only use positive words. They see only the good in themselves and others. When do we lose that ability, and why?  Is the loss of being able to paint ones self with positive imagines the beginning of when being different becomes bad?

When we can't see the good in our own person, how can we see the good in others?  To protect us from others we begin the hideous slide into picking on others hoping no one will look at us twice.  Unless of course you're already a victim of bullies, then it steadily becomes harder to describe yourself with any positive words at all.

Would we learn how to describe ourselves more clearly, using positive words rather than negative, if we at least attempt to see the good in others?  Accept the differences, embrace where we do meet up well and let the rest go?  If in looking for the good in others, would we find the good in ourselves?  Learn to love our quirks, accept ourselves as we are, and not as we want to be.  And in doing so, allow us to really love life, eager to greet each day so we can wring every drop from it. Propel our selves with purpose, listening to our true desires and interests, rather than just listening to the popular culture noise.

Ok, so let me take a crack at describing myself, using only positive words.  I'm loving, talkative (yes I do think that is a positive trait), funny, optimistic, curious and full of life.

Your turn!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Leaving the Grey Room

Malcolm  and Micky have opened up a new blog.  It's still in its infancy but I sense good things on this blog in the future.  They are co-writing a blog about abuse, well rather than me tell you, let them tell you.W

"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us.

And if you can, then please help us to all help each other by adding to our Links List of resources for Survivors of Abuse.

t happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us."

Interested?  Then head on over to "Leaving the Grey Room".  Follow them, link them in your blogroll, because the sad thing about being abused as a kid is that we all think we are the only ones.  Being abused is very embarrassing, and most of us will go to any lengths to keep others from finding out, because for some reason we always felt as though it was something wrong with us that made our adults treat us in that manner.  If only we were better, smarter, neater, better behaved, more something they would just stop hurting us.

Give Malcolm and Micky some blog love, yeah?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Some questions answered, yet many remain

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, so hugs and kissies for all of your help.  Am going to respond to your comments here to make sure you see them, cause as you know, I rarely if ever respond to comments.

@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog.  My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name.  The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband).  Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons.  But I can see how that would be a valid worry.  I hate not being honest with them.  There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices.  And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.

@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy.  However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me.  The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again.  One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.

@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him.  He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy.  And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life!  As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.

For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone.  It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal.  So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me.  And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason.  It just might be my stubborn independence streak?

Being TG is very different from being gay.  For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.

@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go.  Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....

@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this.  I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.

@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them.  But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....

@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go.  The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt.  And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them.  There will be differing reactions.  I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it.  There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me.  There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while.  One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf.  For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.

@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!

TH told me today that he is worried about me.  He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy.  When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better......  It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before.  So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone.  Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound?  Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Opinions and suggestions please

I finally seem to have myself back to what passes for normal.  Now that I know that this will be the carapace that will be my home for the rest of my life, and there is no possible way of becoming a man with a male body, I feel much less trapped and unhappy.  My joy is slowly returning, and my smiles now are in my eyes, so life is getting good again.  I still have sad times, and down moments, and clothes are still my major malfunction, but am working on that as well.

I want to come out to my sons.  They are all adults, and we are a very close family.  They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it,  so they know something is up.  Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues.  They thought we were working towards a divorce.

My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition.  Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months.  TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer.  But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self.  I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them.  TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me.  I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.

What do you think?  Should I come out to them?  Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me?  And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well?  Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?

I want to take the next step, what do you think?